This Week with Christiane Amanpour - April 3, 2011

Guests
Jim Jones - Fmr. Obama National Security Advisor
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL)
****************************
Amanpour: the middle east is falling into total chaos

Audience: well that’s new

Amanpour: some idiot burned a Koran so people attacked a UN post in Afghanistan

Reporter: 6 US soldiers were killed in a vicious firefight on the Pakistan border

Audience: yikes

Reporter: this is a turning point in the war

Audience: problem solved

Amanpour: this moron pastor in Florida is affecting US foreign policy

Reporter: because of this guy people are shouting ‘Death to President Obama'

Amanpour: that’s odd because I heard Obama was a muslim who will impose sharia law

Reporter: it’s complicated

Amanpour: the rebels got killed by friendly fire

Rebels: Han shot first!

Reporter: Tripoli is very normal today - the rebels are disorganized and Qadaffi out taking in the sights
#dictatoronthetown

Reporter: the rebels have no leaders - just a princess, and old man and kid from Tatooine

Audience: and 2 droids

Reporter: that’s not going cut it

Audience: damm

Amanpour: General Jones how is America’s
longest war going?

Jones: it’s all being disrupted by one wackjob
pastor from Florida

Amanpour: when do we win?

Jones: some time next summer or possibly 2014

Amanpour: depending on what?

Jones: on how you define victory

Amanpour: I see

Jones: seriously though - it all really depends on whether Pakistan is willing to go after al-qaeda
which they never have done before

Amanpour: that seems like a problem

Jones: it is

Amanpour: America is also involved in a civil war
in Libya

Jones: the French need our help to prevent illegal Arab immigrants from getting to Cannes

Amanpour: America is out and NATO is in -
but NATO is all-American

Jones: no the US are refueling while the British and French lead the attack

Amanpour: what is the endgame?

Jones: we need Qaddafi to stay because those rebels are untrustworthy

Amanpour: who are the rebels - who are they??

Jones: we know there’s one guy named Fred

Amanpour: ok

Jones: now we need to find out who the rest
of the rebels are

Amanpour: it’s very troubling that we don’t know who they are and what their aspirations are and if they have Facebook likes

Jones: we tried poking Fred

Amanpour: what about our favorite dictator in Yemen?

Jones: it’s very worrisome because he hates al-qaeda like we do

Amanpour: can we keep him in power?

Jones: Sadly those pesky people in Yemen have other ideas

Amanpour: that’s a shame

Jones: all this democracy nonsense is a
vast tectonic shift

[ break ]

Amanpour: The tea party may force John Boehner
to shut the government down

Boehner: we can’t just impose our will [sobs]

Tea Partier: take of the lace panties noodlebat

USAID: the cuts would kill 70,000 kids

Dean: let a shutdow happen and blame the GOP yeeeaaahh

[ break ]

Amanpour: will you guys make a deal?

Sessions: since ignoring the debt under Reagan, Bush I and Bush Jr we have to cut the debt right now!

Schumer: fuck the debt - we need jobs

Session: but the deficit causes recession
oh mah stahrs

Schumer: we should not cut cancer research instead we should cut some of those damm farm subsidies

Sessions: Obama is only adding 100,000 jobs - clearly we need to cut the debt right now

Amanpour: so you say

Sessions: we have to cut $800 billion - did you know we have to borrow all this money?!?

Amanpour: wow was this true when Reagan, Bush and Dubya were President

Sessions: who?

Amanpour: Jeff are the Tea Parties going to
destroy America?

Sess: no they are very mature lunatics

Amanpour: you’re not worried

Sessions: the Democrat debt will cause the shutdown of all social programs in 2 years

Schumer: I feel sorry for the Republicans because the Tea Party are all freaks and crazies

Amanpour: Chuck you called the tea party extreme!

Schumer: you’re damm fucking right I did

Sessions: the Tea Party may not be the fastest cars on blocks but they are fundamentally right about everything

Amanpour: like what

Sessions: Obama really is a black democrat!

Amanpour: thanks for coming guys
************************************