Rev. Franklin Graham
Rev. Tim Keller
Dr. Richard Land - Southern Baptist Convention
Rev. Al Sharpton
Eboo Patel - Interfaith Youth Core
Amanpour: what is Easter all about?
Graham: Jesus paid off all my debts
Amanpour: ooh could he do that for America?
Graham: it’s worth a try
Amanpour: you say the Anti-Christ is back and bigger than ever
Graham: yes look at the tragic failure of government to endorse my religion
Amanpour: what is the role of the church now?
Graham: to answer that question I would say the government should not help poor people
Amanpour: you have been to the scene of numerous disasters like Haiti, Japan, and the NY Mets
Graham: According to the Bible the Second Coming is nigh when ‘the Spider-man shall descend from the sky with a mighty crash’
Amanpour: oh my
Graham: indeed proof we in the final stage of human history
Amanpour: really - how long do we have?
Graham: between 10 and 1,000 years
Amanpour: how do you know we are living in the End Times
Graham: there’s earthquakes, tidal waves, nuclear meltdowns and Dancing with the Stars
Amanpour: you say the Antichrist is here and living among us
Graham: it’s a big government socialist with the mark of the beast
Amanpour: do you know who it is?
Graham: well the night Obama won the election the first thing he did was announce he was getting a dog
Amanpour: you seem to really believe in all this
Graham: I believe in the Bible cover-to-cover!
Amanpour: even the Book of Revelations?
Graham: ‘verily I beheld a great Red Dragon clad in red socks start the season 0-6’
Amanpour: What makes you think Jesus will return now?
Graham: because everyone has cell phones and is on YouTube!
Amanpour: so Jesus will send a universal text message
Jesus: yo whats up im bak 4 reals
Amanpour: or post a viral video
lamest 2nd coming ever this dude sux lol
Graham: the world is going to moan
Amanpour: what exactly do you mean
Graham: During the Apocalypse Jesus will leverage social media
Amanpour: are you saying Jesus is going to be on twitter?
Jesus: hey every1 i need 144,00 follows thnx #jesussecondccoming
Graham: if you are saved he will poke or friend you
Amanpour: do you hate Muslims?
Graham: no I just think they are all going to hell where they belong
Amanpour: your dad Billy is America’s most famous Christian
Graham: my dad says he doesn’t recognize the America he knew anymore - when people were civil and polite and blacks and Jews and Papists knew their place
Amanpour: what about Sarah Palin?
Graham: She’s an idiot
Amanpour: maybe you prefer Mitt Romney
Graham: He’s a nice man for someone with a bizarre fake superstition who worships a false idol
Amanpour: well who do you support?
Graham: Donald Trump all the way Christiane
Amanpour: what do you think of Obama
Graham: Obama is gracious but he’s a socialist!!!
Amanpour: what’s the deal with all this Birtherism?
Graham: I know what room I was born in - does this darkie know from what hut he came into this world?
Amanpour: that’s a strong statement
Graham: that slick negro is hiding something I know it
Amanpour: some people even think he’s a muslim
Graham: Obama claims he’s a Christian but his middle name is Hussein - sorry I don’t buy it
Amanpour: anything else
Graham: he’s also a commie
Amanpour: thanks for coming
[ break ]
Amanpour: wow I’m shocked that religion is not dead
Keller: god rocks!
Amanpour: and people still believe in science
Keller: that’s your mushy middle
Amanpour: you say people like money too much
Keller: my investment banker congregation agree greed is bad
Keller: there’s nothing wrong with making money - just come to church too
Amanpour: if you question greed you will upset the American applecart
Keller: we live in a dog-eat-dog world
Amanpour: which caused the financial crisis
Keller: work with the poor and you will be happier in the long run
Amanpour: we have a lot of political polarization now
Keller: we used to all get along and now we don’t and that’s sad
Keller: We should not demonize each other -- you even have people now question whether a President is legitimate
Amanpour: I just talked to Franklin Graham and he believes we should be very civil and polite while questioning if our first black President is a real American
Keller: well between him and the Catholic church religion has gotten a bad rap lately
Amanpour: but in religion is all about politics
Keller: I have an idea - religion could be about God and not the tax code
Amanpour: Mr Keller that’s crazy talk
[ break ]
Amanpour: happy Easter everyone
Land: Obama is breaking the Ten Commandments by stealing from our grandchildren!
Steve Roberts: there is also a religious call for charity
Sharpton: make the rich pay their fair share!
Land: the rich are paying too much now!
Cokie: there are other values besides getting rich
Patel: I’m a Muslim but we like Jesus too
Land: Jesus was a anti-union capitalist!
Sharpton: dude he said a rich man can’t get into heaven!
Land: the Bible commands us to lower taxes on the rich!
Steve: are you for real?
Land: we need to keep the charitable tax deduction
Cokie: you are so wise
Land: we tithe but if you tax the rich they will not create jobs
Amanpour: Franklin Graham hates big government
Sharpton: how about religion advocating for the poor
Steve: if you tithe then why not tax people
Land: on this Easter Sunday let us admit we can no longer afford Medicare and Medicaid - praise Jesus!
Amanpour: what is the greatest spiritual issue in America?
Land: people need to ask God which Tea Party candidate they should support
Cokie: materialism is rampant
Steve: what my wife said
Sharpton: what if Christians actually followed Jesus’ teachings?
Patel: Faith can be a bomb or bridge
Amanpour: or a drone bombing a bridge
Amanpour: can religion help us have more civil political discussions?
Cokie: religion divides people but at least we’re not killing each other - yet
Amanpour: can religion unite us?
Land: we should not attack people’s motives when there are so many other reasons
Steve: religious people could be a little more humble
Land: those damm atheists are the most arrogant!
Sharpton: Vanity can outrun Sanity!
Land: Good line Al
[ high fives Sharpton ]
Sharpton: I was stabbed and testified for the guy who stabbed me
Cokie: that makes sense
Patel: we have an opportunity to be an example to the whole world of religions getting along
Cokie: In America we’ve had a civil war and then there was some incivility when black children were killed in for wanting basic rights - so things have been worse
Patel: Muslims are worried that it’s ok to hate them in America
Steve: yeah but we hated the Irish too
Patel: we have to push the pendulum
Amanpour: people think Obama is Muslim
Land: that’s unbalanced - he’s a mainline Chicago Protestant - which is worse
Steve: calling Obama a muslim is a metaphor to make Obama seem strange and weird and evil
Cokie: it’s a code for race - they can’t say they don’t like him because he’s black so they call him Muslim which is an acceptable slur
Patel: what a relief
Steve: 90% of young people are ok with interracial marriage - things are getting better and people are more tolerant than ever and that’s all kinds of cool
Amanpour: well ok then