Sunday, January 30, 2011

Meet The Press - January 30, 2011

Hillary Clinton - U.S. Sec. of State
Sen. Mitch McConnell - (R-Minority Leader)
Martin Indyk
Richard Engel
Tom Friedman
Fmr. Rep. Harold Ford
Chuck Todd
Katty Kay
Mike Murphy

Gregory: Good morning - Hosni Mubarak still
clings to power in the face of massive protests

Gregory: Hillary is Mubarak really responding to the will of the people?

Clinton: you have to distinguish between protesters and those fucking looters

Gregory: Is Mubarak stable?

Clinton: I’m not a psychiatrist David

Gregory: what does the U.S. want?

Clinton: an orderly transition to democracy or whatever keeps that damn canal open

Gregory: are you calling for free and fair elections

Clinton: we always have Greggers

Gregory: but do you really mean it this time

Clinton: that’s up to the Egyptian people

Gregory: yes but you could make him leave
if you wanted to

Clinton: our position is very clear - we live in a Twitter and Facebook world now and people demand freedom, democracy and a Starbucks
with WiFi

Gregory: can we keep Murbarak in power?

Clinton: fuck that Fluffy - we need to respond to
the needs of the people!

Gregory: neato

Clinton: we need to stage in an Intervention -
this guy is totally out of control!

Gregory: but Hosni has always been good to us

Clinton: I was talking about Charlie Sheen

Gregory: Why not just install Murbarak in an apartment in Brooklyn?

Clinton: well he can live peacefully alongside Jews

Gregory: Do you want him in power?

Clinton: stop putting words in my mouth Fluffers

Gregory: sorry

Clinton: we want real democracy not hipster faux-democracy

Gregory: Are Americans in danger?

Clinton: we’re working triple-time on that gregg

[ break ]

Gregory: what the holy hell is happening Rich?

Engel: fighter jets, angry crowds, looting -
it’s like a SuperBowl here

Gregory: I see

Engel: also there’s a total collapse of Law & Order

Gregory: where’s Jerry Orbach when you need him

Engel: also the army may be planning a coup

Gregory: amazing

Engel: the government is encouraging looting and violence and lawlessness to punish the people

Gregory: oh I’m sure that will work

[ break ]

Gregory: Mitch what is your reaction to what is happening in Egypt

McConnell: Republicans love ships in the Suez and Israel so we love Mubarak

Gregory: but you also called for democracy

McConnell: yes we have asked for this for 30 years

Gregory: if only you had some sway over him like money or something

Gregory: will you recognize a government run by the Muslim Brotherhood

McConnell: hell no

Gregory: what mistakes is Obama making?

McConnell: he’s doing what Republicans would do in a crisis - nothing

Gregory: but we give Egypt over a billion dollars a year

McConnell: yes but need access to the pyramids
to communicate with Seti Alpha 5

Gregory: do the lunatics in the tea party drive the GOP?

McConnell: there are no divisions in the Republican party - Democrats are the ones with all the problems!

Gregory: oh

McConnell: Democrats drove up the deficit and lost million of jobs

Gregory: your reality is quite fascinating

McConnell: thank you

Gregory: will you make big cuts to Social Security?

McConnell: no - we will just cut domestic spending enough now to prevent an economic recovery and get Mitt Romney elected in 2012

Gregory: I see

McConnell: we won’t touch entitlements unless the Democrats do it first

Gregory: you expect Obama to do it without you

McConnell: yes we will very bold - when he acts first

Gregory: will you shut down the government?

McConnell: we have an awesome opportunity to cut spending after not doing anything when Republicans were President

Gregory: so shut the government down or not?

McConnell: give me a fucking break - you try negotiating with that fucking catbird Obama on one side and Rand Paul on the other

Gregory: I hear ya Mitch

McConnell: aw fuck it I love you to man
[ starts sobbing ]
[ they hug ]

Gregory: look at Tweetdeck!!

Indyk: this is a 21st Century revolution - Twitter
and Facebook will bring down dictators all over the region

Gregory: holy crap

Indyk: Shit's gettin' real

Gregory: this guy won Survivor but can he win The Amazing Race?

Indyk: no he’s totally fucked

Gregory: what does this do to Middle East peace?

Indyk: no one knows what the hell is going on

Gregory: Thanks Marty -- Tom what is going there?

Friedman: because Egypt was such a good friend on terror and Israel we gave him a pass on the whole dictator thing

Gregory: and torture

Friedman: actually that was a plus

Gregory: can Mubarak stay?

Friedman: they need get their heads out of the sand and join the 21st century

Gregory: sounds like a plan

Friedman: this dude had 30 years to fix his country and he totally fucked it up

Gregory: wow that is not like America at all

Gregory: I am very scared of Islamic terrorists

Friedman: when you open the lid on a scary society like this you seen anger and rage

Gregory: aaaaaaaaack!!

Friedman: it’s frightening

Gregory: what should Obama do now?

Friedman: Announce that we support peace, democracy
and Facebook

Gregory: did this revolution surprise you?

Friedman: No my taxi driver in Davos told me it was going to happen

Gregory: oh he was from Egypt?

Friedman: no it was Tom Delay

Gregory: Panel look at this crazy Twitter feed!

Todd: the White House is busy following accounts on twitter #whatthehellisgoingon

Kay: Obama read Mubarak the riot act

Murphy: people in the Middle East want freedom and democracy which means of course they hate America

Ford: these young middle class professionals are angry - they should have had the foresight to be born into a rich connected family

Gregory: this is a real test for Obama!

Todd: except Egypt is not actually in America

Gregory: not technically perhaps

Kay: these protests could show that you don’t have to choose between dictatorship and terrorism

Murphy: true but eventually scary Muslims will probably take over - think Kerensky

Ford: Oh fuck Kerensky - it’s all about tumbldeck and Facetweet and Mysquare and Grouplinkd!!

Gregory: are those real?

Ford: who the fuck cares?

Gregory: Obama reinvented his Presidency in his State of the Union

Todd: Obama will merge two cabinet departments

Gregory: which ones?

Todd: Commerce and Housing &
Urban Development

Gregory: C.H.U.D

Todd: right

Gregory: Republicans want see Social Security destroyed - they just want Obama to do it for them

Murphy: Obama needs to jump off a cliff for the
good of America

Gregory: Independents hate spending

Ford: Obama needs to cut Social Security

Gregory: so we’re all agreed - Obama must take steps to guarantee his defeat

Ford: yes - that and create some jobs

Kay: Unemployment will still be high in 2012 - but if Obama cuts entitlements he may be reelected cause Independents love that

Gregory: right

Todd: the GOP have abandoned jobs in favor of banning gun-free gay abortions in downtown Washington DC

Gregory: interesting

Gregory: why doesn’t Mitt Romney announce already?

Murphy: he’s playing it cool

Todd: Romney you can’t skip Iowa - those farmers will gut you with their folksy pitchforks

Ford: the best thing politicians can do now is slash their budgets - people love that

Gregory: of course

Ford: the Egypt crisis is good for Romney

Gregory: he is a bit dim but he’s a serious white
man with big shoulders

Ford: that’s what we need

Gregory: speaking of that next week we celebrate the 100th birthday of Ronald Reagan


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Just a few short years ago, Washington was crowing about how "messy" democracy was...and now they want it "orderly".