Sunday, January 16, 2011

Meet the Press - January 16, 2011

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY)
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK)
Rev. Al Sharpton
David Brooks (NY Times)
Peggy Noonan (Wall St. Journal)
Tim Shriver (Washington Post)
Sen. Gregory: Kirsten how is Gabby doing

Gillibrand: she’s suffered a brain injury but can
still serve in Congress effectively

Gregory: of course

Gregory: Obama says she opened her eyes

Gillibrand: it’s thrilling for her constituents

Gregory: what was it like to be there?

Gillibrand: her husband is amazing

Gregory: did you know he actually is a
rocket scientist

Gillibrand: she’s a fighter

Gregory: just like mark wahlberg

Gillibrand: she just wants to help people
and bring them together

Gregory: wow that’s very timely

Gillibrand: she always wanted a civil discourse

Gregory: everything was going fine until
she got shot

Gillibrand: small businesses are suffering!

Gregory: thanks for stopping by Kirsten

[ break ]

Gregory: and I'm back with Chuck S and
Tom GoBurn

Coburn: it’s Coburn

Gregory: whatever

Schumer: in Brooklyn we believe in civil
fucking discourse

Gregory: I see

Gregory: Arizona allows people to conceal carry
30 round clips in bars

Schumer: this drug addicted nut should never
have been allowed to buy a gun

Gregory: Tom do people really need to fire
30 bullets at one time?

Coburn: this poor individual needed help

Gregory: you sound like a bleeding-heart liberal

Coburn: he was crazy and if people had noticed he would never have been sold a gun although that was his sacred right

Gregory: well that is rather the point isn’t it

Schumer: 10 bullets is good enough for New York City so it should be enough for Arizona

Gregory: Chuck you haven’t used the word ‘motherfucker’ once and Tom Coburn is sitting
right here

Schumer: I’m trying to be fucking civil Fluffy

Gregory: Tom what about having sane guns laws?

Coburn: we shouldn’t have any laws because
people will just break them

Gregory: that makes perfect sense

Coburn: People need fire 30 bullets to
defend themselves!

Gregory: From who?

Coburn: from crazy people with guns!

Gregory: of course

Coburn: if lunatics are banned from owing guns half of members of Congress will not be allowed to carry and that’s not fair

Gregory: has political discourse gone too far?

Coburn: I’m disgusted by media that suggest that calling Obama a Marxist Nazi Kenyan witch doctor
is somehow wrong

Gregory: how fascinating

Coburn: we need to pay attention to the real risk to America - that Obama wants to prevent law-abiding people from bringing guns to a political rally

Gregory: what about violent political rhetoric?

Coburn: we should all take Glenn Beck’s pledge and set anyone who advocates violence on fire

Schumer: let Democrats sit next to Republicans so I can punch anyone who yells “you lie”

Gregory: Doctor can we repeal health care reform?

Coburn: we need market forces to bring down
health care costs

Gregory: what’s the solution

Coburn: let patients negotiate with doctors

Gregory: how so

Coburn: like offer to wash the surgeon’s Mercedes for a year in exchange for a hip replacement

Schumer: we have the best health care system in the world except the parts that suck

Gregory: Eric Cantor wants Obama to promise extend the recession exchange for raising the
debt ceiling

Schumer: fuck him

Coburn: after 30 years of GOP spending I just realized that big spending is terrible

Gregory: right

Coburn: the bond vigilantes will destroy America!

Gregory: ok ok doctor

[ break ]

Gregory: panel where do we go from here?

Brooks: the lesson from Tuscon is for Obama to bring people together by proposing Republican
tax policies

Gregory: remember how awesome it was when Reagan brought people together after the space shuttle blew up by reading someone else’s poem?

Noonan: he silenced all the damm Shuttle-haters

Gregory: what did Obama accomplish?

Noonan: he told us to avoid the blame game and reminded us that the Internet is full of crazy rhetoric that kills people

Sharpton: this lunatic in Arizona proves we need to find common ground in tax policy

Gregory: Obama told us to be great

Shriver: people are begging to be challenged and involved in their society

Gregory: McCain said Obama is a patriot who is not secretly trying to destroy America

Audience: [ puts down Obama=Hitler poster ]

Noonan: people are not worried about civil discourse they’re worried about murderous lunatics

Brooks: Reagan said you’re in charge of your own mental illness - lucky you!

Noonan: oh that was all the ivory tower liberals fault

[ pours into cocktail shaker]

Shriver: just be a buddy to a crazy person

Gregory: hey I had lunch with Michelle Bachmann

Sharpton: that is one handsome white boy

Gregory: Pawlenty is a very civil homophobe

Brooks: the root of civility is sinfulness and our culture downplays the evilness of liberals and their sinful hippie ways

Noonan: the unwashed masses lack huuumiiilllliityyyy!!!

[ drops ice cubes ]

Gregory: that is so true Peggy

Gregory: Got MLK?

Brooks: ha

Martin Luther King: it’s wrong to ignore centuries of neglect and declare equality overnight

Sharpton: we need to honor King and strengthen education and unions

Brooks: I got an e-mail about how schools are great and government sucks

Gregory: Obama is a black guy

Shapton: He’s the damm President Fluffy!

Noonan: [ open jar of olives ]

Shriver: King was an extremist for love and justice!

Gregory: wow he was like a cross between the Dalai Lama and Superman

Noonan: some documentary movies are Obama’s Nixon to China

[ twirls swizzle stick ]

Brooks: my advice is read a conservative, read a liberal, then read my column and you’ll be
ready for a stiff drink

Noonan: hear hear
[ raises glass ]

Sharpton: King changed white people’s reality -
deal with it!

Gregory: and that’s Meet the Press


1 comment:

Rube Goldberg said...

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