Sergeant-at-arms: Heeeereee’s Baraaaack!!
Boehner: I just found out this guy is my half-brother - President Obama!!!
Obama: Thanks John
Republicans, Democrats, and Michelle Bachmann - give it up for the Crying Man!!
[clap clap clap]
Obama: Let’s remember Gabby Giffords
[ Applause ]
Obama: Tuscon reminds us that no matter who are or where we come from we live in an America in which we are bound together by the knowledge any of us at any time can be shot by a manic waving a legally purchased automatic weapon meant for killing dozens of people
[ yaaaaaay ]
But however much we hate each others guts we
still have to work together
That’s what the voters want - those fucking idiots
Voters want us to rebuild America, restore manufacturing, and make this nation a beacon to
the whole world - in other words those poor deluded fools want the impossible
But good news America - the stock market is back and Wall Street is rich again!
[ yiiipeeeeeeee ]
Sadly the people still aren’t satisfied - those unemployed losers want even more!
So I gave businesses more tax cuts - which will create even more
jobs and if not then we will cut their taxes even more and more again
I know this is hard to believe, but America once had factories with decent pay and benefits with lifetime jobs
Well that was a long fucking time ago and those jobs have gone boys and they ain’t comin’ back
We spend all our time on Facebook while damm Tiger moms teach their kids in Bangalore and Beijing to build supercomputers to beat our Jeopardy champions
Alex I’ll take Declining Empires for a thousand fucking dollars!
But the good news is for a few more years we
will still have the world’s biggest economy and our universities are teaching people from all over the world to beat us at our own game
Sure our stupid kids don’t memorize facts but
damm we got self-esteem!
[ yaaaay ]
We have to make America great again or at least not suck so much!
[ whoop whoop whoop ]
No one knows where the next jobs will come from but dammit we’re the nation that put a motherfucking car on the goddamm moon and made a 26 year-old socially inept asshole a billionaire ten times over!
50 years ago the Soviets built a robot dog named Sputnik and America met that challenge and built
an android named Al Gore!
[ yeeeeaaaahh ]
After 9/11 we needed some dudes from Michigan to rebuild the Pentagon
Sure we could spend money on clean energy but instead we’re going to hold a contest -- it’s like
reality tv fuckers!
[ much clapping ]
To pay for it I’m asking Congress to stop giving billions to oil companies!
[ confused applause ]
By 2035 I want 80 percent of America’s energy to come clean coal, wind, solar and an army of fucking mutant hamsters!
[ YAAAY ]
Now let’s talk about our idiot kids - they can’t even finish our high schools, which isn’t even that hard!! Criminy people!
Listen up parents - turn off the tv! NOT NOW sheesh!!
Fuck Ben Rothliesberger - give it up for the
nerds and geeks!
[ cheering ]
I invented Race To The Top - first school with 10 students who can run 100 yards without stopping gets a billion dollars!
But not No Child Left Behind - I’m done with that shit
[ CLAP ]
Take some crappy gang-ridden school in South Park Colorado - for years this school killed Kenny and now we have put an end to it - Kenny LIVES!!
[ yaaaay!!!! ]
Let’s honor teachers and build a motherfuckin’ nation here at home!!
We need engineering and science and math teachers!
So will bring here from India and China!! America needs you!
[ muted clapping ]
But let’s face it - college is where the real fun is.
So I told Sallie Mae to fuck off!
[ whooo hoooo ]
By the end of the decade America will have more students going to keg parties than any other
country in the world!!!
[ yeaaaahhh!! ]
America’s colleges are full of foreigners - without them who will staff our IT departments?!? Who will log us on when we have forgotten our passwords? Who will retrieve our lost e-mails?!!?
[ whispered agreement ]
America built the transcontinental railroad!!
But that 100 fucking years ago!!
We could build high-speed rail which is better than flying - without the body groping unless that is you what you want Lindsey Graham
The tax is too damm high!! Let’s cut the tax for
those poor corporations!!
[ YAYYYY ]
I’d like to double exports by 2014!
I’d also like to be a white man with Brad Pitt’s looks, Tom Brady’s wife and Mark Zuckerberg’s money!
[clapping and cheering ]
I ordered Joe Biden to read every government regulation
[ fuck yeah ]
I enacted financial regulation and health care reform!
[ Boooooo ]
Hey morons - you want to reform health care be my fucking guest
Go ahead fuck over people with preexisting conditions - I’m sure the American will love that
Be sure to screw over the young and old people too while you’re at it
All right shitheads let’s talk about the debt created by as usual Republicans
Now that I solved the recession it’s to cut the spending that solved the recession
So tonight I propose we freeze spending for 5 years
[ clap ]
These cuts will be painful - like cutting funding to ACORN and the Pentagon’s Shark-Laser program
But that won’t be enough!
Alan Simpson told me we have to cut spending everywhere! Including Medicare and Medicaid!
What’s the answer? Fucking Tort reform!
That’s right! Kicking it old school!
What about the old, infirm, crippled and mentally ill? What about Dick Cheney?
If we want to buy him that nuclear powered machine in place of a heart we have to raise taxes on the rich!
[ clap ]
While we’re at it - why not simplify the tax code? Hells even Timmy Geithner can’t figure it out!!
[ heh ]
I’m trying be the anti-George Bush! Black articulate and competent!
Did you know there’s one federal department for marijuana in brownies and another when it’s smoked! That’s fucking crazy!
[ whoooooooo ]
If someone sends me a bill with ear marks I will veto it! This ain’t no fucking David Lynch movie!!
[ yaaaaay ]
America’s moral example must always shine for those who stand for liberty, freedom and indefinite detention without charges!!
We’re leaving Iraq and violence is down to less than Camden New Jersey!
As extremists promote violence - I say this to Glenn Beck - Muslims are Americans too!!
We’re getting the fuck out of Afghanistan. It will take the combined efforts of fifty countries to get out us - we’re the morbidly obese of modern empires!!
But we can still kick some al-qaeda ass!!
I got the START treaty enacted, put sanctions on Iraq and spanked North Korea - that’s right I’m a Nobel prize winner fuckers!!
I’ve been to Russia, Asia and India, cleaning up Bush’s embarrassing messes one nation at a time!!
Next year Michelle and I are going to Brazil - Carnavale fuckers!!
Now there is peace in Sudan - of course you’re still stuck in Sudan but whatever
And then there’s Tunisia
I love our troops - they totally rock
[ cheers ]
Let us treat them as well as they have treated us -
or at least better than we were which isn’t much
Our soldiers are Hindu and Jewish and Muslim
McCain: what the fuck
And gay! So let’s be the best gayest military there fucking is!!
[ yaaaay ]
None of this will be easy - especially with a Congress of drooling morons
I wish I was a dictator- believe me
But at least we’re not French with their horrible food and socialized health care
[ clap clap clap ]
We’re a nation where even two white idiots like
Joe Biden and John Boehner can serve in mildly high office
[ yaaaaaaaaaay ]
I have a dream - where Americas can come to the aid of exploited workers halfway around the world
[ fuck yeah ]
We do big things goddammit
We’re a nation of great big huge enormous people! We’re motherfucking supersized!
Good night white fuckers!!!