Sunday, November 14, 2010

Meet the Press - November 14, 2010

David Axelrod - White House advisor
Sen. John McCain - (R-AZ)
Alan Greenspan
Harold Ford
Newt Gingrich
Bethany McLean
Gregory: Dave did Obama achieve anything
touring Asia?

Axelrod: Obama is out there fighting for American jobs Fluffy and he rejected a bad trade deal because it wasn't fucking good enough!

Gregory: what about those Bush tax cuts
for the rich?

Axelrod: We can afford to borrow money to keep the tax cuts for the middle class but we can’t afford to borrow to keep the cuts for the wealthy

Gregory: but the rich have suffered so much

Axelrod: John McCain opposed those cuts
and he was right

Gregory: can I get a compromise right now?

Axelrod: are you negotiating on behalf of the Republicans David?

Gregory: it saves time

Axelrod: I see

Gregory: is Obama open to compromise please??

Axelrod: dear god stop whining Fluffers

Gregory: is the President going to move to the right?

Axelrod: the message from the American people is they want us to act together and give them jobs

Gregory: I still hear you still fighting for liberals - dammit will you just stop and be conservative already!!

Axelrod: ok how about tax cuts for businesses?

Gregory: the Chairmen of the debt commission proposed a lot of pain and spending cuts which
I hope will be very popular

Axelrod: no one wants cuts or higher taxes so this should be a lot of fun

Gregory: Is Obama willing to finally stop all this free money going to the elderly and sick?

Axelrod: the right-wing demagogues this issue

Gregory: [ grinning ]
but you won’t even make any concessions on my tv show!!!

Axelrod: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: so did I

Axelrod: this is a dark cloud over us and we
must make these cuts

Gregory: excellent

Gregory: what about Rahm

Axelrod: he’s fucking crazy

Gregory: are we ever going to make progress in Afghanistan?

Axelrod: we need to train the Afghans to fight and love America which is tricky

[ break ]

Gregory: President McCain what would it take to satisfy you in Afghanistan?

McCain: it’s just a fact that we must never leave that far-away country or terrorists will come here and
cut our heads off

Gregory: but President Karzai doesn’t even
want us there

McCain: he’s paranoid

Gregory: you’re calling him paranoid?

McCain: look the entire Afghan government is corrupt and Pakistan is harboring international terrorists

Gregory: these are arguments for staying there?

McCain: exactly

Gregory: what about gays in the military

McCain: Look we need a study that says gays
are icky

Gregory: fascinating

McCain: we need a thorough and complete study to determine the if gay people cause cooties

Gregory: your wife called you a bigot - what
did you say to her?

McCain: I only communicate with my wife through Twitter

Gregory: doesn’t military honor require not lying

McCain: the head of the marines has validated
my bigotry!

Gregory: but what do you believe personally
about gays?

McCain: look I met a soldier in Kandahar who has
to sleep with all the men under him

Gregory: interesting

McCain: these are petty officers!

Gregory: Indeed they are

Gregory: we have more tape of you on Meet The Press than anyone else

McCain: oh noes

Gregory: you blatantly flip-flopped on tax cuts
on the rich

McCain: look this is a very different time - we now know what an incredible hypocrite I am

Gregory: what about the debt commission?

McCain: the American people have sent the message that they hate spending and want to send all of their money to the richest one-percent

Gregory: President Bush is peeved at you for
not campaigning with him

McCain: I had to do it - Obama was trying to
tie me to Bush

Gregory: yes he tried to link you in the public's mind

McCain: no he found us backstage and tied us up!

Gregory: my god - well that’s it until your 60th appearance

McCain: Ooh I hope I get a toaster

[ break ]

Gregory: Alan where are the jobs?

Greenspan: there are no construction jobs because we already built what we need and businesses are very uncertain about the future which we need to be certain about

Gregory: Newt you’re a failure and widely hated - tell us about world economics

Gingrich: all of this is Obama’s fault because he hate business

Ford: Newt is right that I should have been the
first black President

Gingrich: um what

Ford: we should have a moratorium on regulations and accept all the debt commission recommendations

Gregory: Beth how can American thrive until we inflict more pain on homeowners

McLean: if the government stops involvement in housing there will be another crash

Greenspan: hey old white men are doing great

Gingrich: this debt commission report debate is stupid because we won’t cut social security

Gregory: but don’t we have to have an adult conversation that we must
slash funding for the poor and give money to the rich??

Greenspan: the Congress will pass these recommendations because they must or bond traders will have a sad

McLean: we are headed to a huge crisis

Gregory: I’m just a talk show host but we must raise the retirement age!! [ sobs ]

Ford: Newt Gingrich is a close friend and handsome man - why can’t he lead the Democrats to cut social security ??

Gingrich: this stupid chairmen’s plan is a step backwards because it’s a hurtful proposal from bunch of rich people who won’t be affected by their own recommendations

Gregory: gee that’s what I liked about it

Gregory: [ shows tape of people rioting in Europe ]
look at this horrible social unrest just because poor people see all the benefits going to the rich

Ford: I love the Tea Party because they realize that we must eliminate Social Security for young and poor people

Gregory: Newt does Obama have the guts to slash Medicare?

Gingrich: I fear government workers in Albany
will riot

Gregory: over cuts in salaries?

Gingrich: Lack of parking

Gregory: should we cut the debt by extending tax cuts for the very rich?

Greenspan: yes - also the deficit is a real problem which is why we need to cut entitlements

McLean: those tax cuts sure didn’t provide jobs

Gregory: only 8 million were lost

McLean: We’re running out of time - the bond will take their balls and go home and then we will have no balls!

Gregory: what if the government gets out of the mortgage business?

Greenspan: home prices get lower and we will have to foreclose on 8 million people which will be necessary but exhausting

Gregory: Newtie will you run for President please

Gingrich: yes but first I must create a movement for insanity

Gregory: I’m torn between you and Sarah Palin

Gingrich: true - also there’s heavyweights Huckabee, Romney and Barbour

Gregory: Don’t forget my new best buddy - Bobby Jindal - squee!!!


1 comment:

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