Sunday, June 28, 2009

Meet The Press with David Axelrod, Lindsay Graham & Mitt Romney

Meet The Press
June 28, 2009
White House Advisor David Axelrod
Sen. Lindsay Graham
Fmr Gov Mitt Romney
Gregory: axel f you have a crazy energy bill

Axelrod: yeah it's awesome

Gregory: but the GOP says it's a jobs killing
jobs killer

Axelrod: um yeah meanwhile the polar bears are dying off faster than celebrities

Gregory: can you fail less on health care than
you have failed on energy?

Axelrod: oh we'll get a public choice plan and
we'll call it ‘competition’

Gregory: that’s what terrifies me

Gregory: Obama won't draw a line in the
sand but Dr. Dean did

Axelrod: if we don't have a public plan it won't be bad for the Democrats it will be bad for America

Gregory: to oppose a public plan because it will be both threatening and bad is not logical

Axelrod: the needs of the many outweigh the
needs of the few

Gregory: will you issue an ultimatum?

Axelrod: maybe

Gregory: will Obama ram it through?

Axelrod: he will fight

Gregory: but not demand it

Axelrod: jesus you are tiresome

Gregory: dood you passed a stimulus -
where are the jobs?

Axelrod: this is the worst recession in decades fool

Gregory: but you passed the stimulus
and unemployment went up

Axelrod: that's called economics 101 david look it up

Gregory: Buffet says we need more stimulus

Axelrod: well maybe we do

Gregory: so commit right now

Axelrod: you are an eminently silly person

Gregory: can you really engage with Iran since they
are acting like crazy people?

Axelrod: good point dancin dave but that's precisely why we have to talk to them

Gregory: but Members Only is all up in our face

Axelrod: who gives a fuck

Gregory: should there be consequences for
beating protestors?

Axelrod: if we really hated them we could send them the white house press corps

Gregory: what about Gov Sanford?

Axelrod: i don't give a fig about that loon

Gregory: midterm elections?

Axelrod: we would be in trouble if the GOP weren't the biggest bunch of dicks i have ever seen

Gregory: give me an example of their dickishness

Axelrod: well to be clear we will work with them on things like immigration but they have a tendency to be a little insane

Gregory: OMG you let Nico Pitney ask a question just because he has better sources than Chuck Todd

Axelrod: oh give me a fucking break

Gregory: but that's not democracy - a truly free country has an uninformed press

Axelrod: jesus christ

Gregory: was the significance of michael
jackson significant?

Axelrod: i heard you were a moron


Gregory: OMG after I repeatedly pressed him Axelrod said he might have another stimulus!

Graham: it’s was so very very sad - when
Obama passed a stimulus package he was just like Karl Rove

Gregory: clearly it was oversold!

Graham: I’m so upset at Obama’s failures to get Republicans to support him

[ wipes away tears ]

Gregory: so Obama has failed?

Romney: he failed to succeed to fail

Gregory: should Sanford resign?

Graham: why - just because he disappeared from the state and fled to his mistress in Argentina?

Gregory: um, yes

Graham: oh that's silly and I'm the Godfather!

Romney: whether he resigns is for
him and his family

Gregory: jesus christ he's the governor and he vanished from the state without telling anyone!

Romney: this is about a poor family suffering

Gregory: it’s not about an affair it’s about a Governor skulking around like Tim Matheson in Fletch

Romney: well that is a good point

Gregory: is the GOP still a party of values?

Graham: we're a party of sinners

Gregory: we all know that

Graham: but we're a party of good things and it's good to be good

Gregory: you voted for impeachment

Graham: yes but Clinton was very crude

Gregory: talk to me about family values

Romney: the GOP aspires to higher conduct for example we don't like it when men and women love each other

Gregory: but you sound like hypocrites

Romney: yes but must still unite in American around our hate for gay people

Graham: well Mitt I think it's stupid to say we're for families and Dems are not - I mean look at us and look at Obama

Romney: erp [ reboots self ]

Graham: the GOP would be in trouble but Obama is just like Karl Rove - so we're back in the game baby!

Gregory: Mitt you are dumb but you have big shoulders - are you running for President?

Romney: damm right - I'm going to win on school choice, increasing global warming, tax swaps and the other great ideas of Charles Krauthammer

Gregory: what about Sarah Palin?

Graham: who?

Gregory: who are your leaders then

Graham: me, John McCain, young people who will revolt against being given health care

Gregory: when do you stage your comeback?

Graham: 20 years from now

Gregory: will Obama get a public plan?

Graham: no that will nationalize health care - we will instead have a massive subsidy for health insurers

Romney: we can insure everyone without evil government

Gregory: but you lost on climate change

Graham: only because Obama is beating people up just like Hitler

Gregory: Obama is withdrawing troops from Iraq
like he said he would

Romney: no fair Obama is just doing what Bush was going to do if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!

Gregory: is Obama no longer passive and weak?

Graham: yes - and who better to judge than me?

Gregory: good point - what about
prolonged detention?

Graham: i think Bush should get a fair trial dave

Gregory: no i mean for Gitmo detainees

Graham: oh yeah sure whatever

[ break ]

Romney: [ removes battery, powers down ]

Gregory: wow that Sanford is a real piece
of work isn't he

Brooks: this is entirely excusable i mean he works hard and he is lonely white man

Gregory: he also sounds like a bad governor

Murphy: inside baseball blah blah blah

Gregory: one could almost think that Republicans are as bad as Democrats

Dionne: being a DC pundit i hate the idea of
people having sex at all

Myers: maybe he was a having a midlife crisis Brooksie but he also seems pretty dumb

Murphy: the Presidential race should
be very interesting

Gregory: yes the upcoming election
will be fascinating

Dionne: doods we just had a presidential election!

Brooks: the road back is to be boring - so we need
to nominate Mitch Daniels

Gregory: are you serious

Brooks: we may also need to deemphasize selfishness a little

Murphy: Obama is a terrible leftist which is bad for us because we will win the next elections too easily just being jerks

Dionne: Reagan is dead doods

Brooks: is he?

Dionne: Sanford turned down the stimulus
- that's the real scandal

Gregory: Dee Dee Obama is popular and successful on the one hand but then on the other hand Lindsay Graham doesn't like him so is he a total failure?

Myers: i want access to your brain dave

Gregory: will Obama fight for a public plan?

Murphy: it's a great tragedy that we may not require people to buy insurance and then funnel government money to insurers

Gregory: indeed it is

Murphy: single payer would crush the republicans because it would be popular but it would hurt Obama because I would haz a sad

Brooks: we should just give up trying to have any health care and start again in 20 years

Dionne: the GOP is desperate but guess what it's too fucking late - we're getting a public plan and you all are going to have to suck on it

Myers: we tried to ram a plan through in 1993
and it failed

Murphy: the great tragedy of Obama is that he
could pass George Bush's legislation but he
just won't do it

Brooks: i agree it's mystifying why he is not
doing what i want

Gregory: but Obama is a failure because he keeps failing to stem baseless GOP criticism of him which i repeat endlessly

Dionne: i can't improve on that Dave
Written by Culture of Truth

The Chris Matthews Show - June 28, 2009

Matthews: OMG Obama's health care plan
could have saved Michael Jackson!

Rather: you can put a frog in a skillet
but you can't make it dance

Kay: there can be no consensus between insurance companies and the non-bloodsucking American community

Cooper: he's trying to avoid bill clinton's mistakes

Tweety: Sanford should have tried that!

Ignatius: giving people health care will bankrupt the country

Matthews: but insurers are the best!

Ignatius: at making money, yes

Kay: you may get Snowe and Collins on board

Tweety: you maniacs you blew it up!

Matthews: OMG Obama is smokin'!

White House Press Corp: We are shameless on pressing this very very important issue after all it's almost like going to war!

Rather: we should report on this because Obama’s smoking has a great impact young people considering losing a limb in Iraq!

Matthews: I am optimistic about Iran!

Ignatius: that's because you are a idiot

Matthews: but the Supreme Leader!

Ignatius: Diana Ross?

Matthews: yeah!

Ignatius: long-term the Ayatollah is fucked

Tweety: should Obama try to crack them
like an egg and refuse to negotiate

Kay: that won’t help

Matthews: Obama's very dainty and gay

Cooper: you can't work the Iranians
Chris they're fuckers!

Rather: you can teach a donkey math but don't make him Fermat

Matthews: do they realize the West will prevent them from having the bomb?

Kay: hey all the parties in Iran are assholes it's just that one side stole an election

Cooper: true but Mousavi wanted to
reach out to the West

Ignatius: we were all set to talk and then this
crazy shit happened

Matthews: tell me about Michael Jackson!

Kay: he taught my generation to dance badly

Cooper: when I fled repression i took a teddy
bear and "Off the Wall"

Rather: MJ led directly to the election of Obama and was the face of America to the rest of the world

Chris: wow!

Ignatius: i tried to moonwalk

Matthews: good god you are the whitest man I know

Cooper: it was weird he was a young black man and then he turned into a cross between Liza Minelli and Joel Grey

Matthews: what an American story!

Matthews: does the GOP have any credibility
on family values?

Kay: oh they'll still ride that hypocrisy horse

Rather: the Dems are just as much to blame

Cooper: they're all incorrigible

Ignatius: um doods Obama has family values and the GOP it appears does not

Matthews: ha!
Posted by Culture of Truth

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Obama Press Conference - June 23, 2009

Obama Press Conference
June 23, 2009

Obama: Ok I want to say at the outset that of course I condemn the psychotics beating protestors in Iran and there is a retrograde group of knuckleheads who want to claim the US is interfering in the Iran and inciting violence and seize their country and overthrow their government - I am talking of course about the Republican party

Now I also want to talk about something equally controversial - windows and windmills - let me give a shout out to Waxman and Dingell and that guy on the agricultural committee

AG guy: woo hoo that’s me

Obama: and thirdly of course I want to talk about health care and how it can be free if we just stop giving out those free pens to doctors and lollipops for ever child?? I don’t fucking think so!

Now I know many Americans are happy that they have any health insurance at all, but you should know eventually health care costs will exceed the entire federal budget and then the sun will go nova and swallow up the earth

Q: will you still talk to Iran what with all the killing?

Obama: well sure it looks bad but I don't hate the Persians or their wacky religion all I want is for them to pull their godamm heads out of their asses

Nico Suave!

Nico: i have a question from a genuine Iranian - when do plan on betraying the brave Iranians?

Obama: whoa hold on there Nico - I didn't observe the election and it's not for the U.S. to say who won

Nico: awwwww

Obama: but look if you want to know who won an election you don’t look to see who has the best bat-wielding motorcycle riding maniacs

Mel Gibson: shit!

Q: Grade the Fed for me

Obama: I won't say anything bad about Bernanke - however he is a idiot and this is all his fault

Q: oh ok then

Obama: since then he has done a good job of taking the heat for me so that's good

Obama: hells my dog Bo got a credit card with
a $5,000 limit!

Q: wow

Obama: I know! I'm not paying for his night out on the town with some bitch he met on Petfinder!

Q: Bailouts?

Obama: if we had more laws in place before maybe this wouldn't have goddamm well happened!

Q: what took you so long to express your meaningless outrage about an election in a far-off country where we have a history of illegal interference?

Obama: because I'm not a total dumbass and didn't want to give the Iranian government ammunition!

Q: that's Reagan's job

Obama: exactly!

Q: will you still invite Iranian officials over for
the 4th of July?

Obama: if they want to - I'm serving hot
dogs and beer

Q: Will a public plan destroy America?

Obama: Look dipshit premiums are doubling every 9 years - at this rate they will swallow the whole planet!

Obama: oh I know everyone is worried about the deficit - well guess what fuckers it's because we have really high costs and a shitty system with 47 million uninsured

Q: oh

Obama: i want to cut costs, treat people, and spend money efficiently

Q: like how?

Obama: like take it away from insurance companies who waste it on trips to Vegas - yeah i said it Goodman!

Obama: jesus h christ you've got people out there who think they are insured and suddenly they're out 50,000 motherfuckin dollars!

Q: woo

Obama: so I'm talking about disciplining those fucking insurance companies - I'm gonna get medieval on their asses!

Obama: I mean why not offer people the choice of care that fucking members of Congress get!!

Q: but that will drive private bloodsuckers out of business

Obama: well fuck if they can't compete with the government who they say can't do anything right then maybe they fucking suck

Potato Chip!

Chip: My friend Lindsay says you are timid and weak and John McCain says you are gay

Obama: what do you think Chippy?

[ full bore glare]

Obama: Lindsay said i was weak? that asexual freak?

Chip: and John McCain

Obama: how nice for John but I won the fucking election meaning I'm the fuckin’ President and Lindsay is a big baby and by the way if I took the side of the protestors the regime would say there were being paid by the CIA

Chip: so what you said just now helps the regime!

Obama: oh fuck off

C Todd!

Todd: aren't you surrendering to the regime?

Obama: hey i know you have the attention span of a puppy on crack but I don't - next question!


J-Tapp: will you sign a public plan or not?

Obama: that's your fucking question?

J Tappp: no I have another

Obama: who the fuck are you Tip Tap the ombudsman?

Tapp: ok Spock won't you drive poor little businesses out?

Obama: don't snark me dood

Obama: Look we all know insurers only have one job - take your money today and tell your to fuck off tomorrow

But look if you believe in the free market and then what the fuck are you worried about?

Tapp: but you promised that employers would keep health insurance forever

Obama: no I never did

Tapp: i know that

Q: you signed an anti-smoking bill - will the bill you signed stop you from smoking?

Obama: oh i see you think you're very clever

Q: no it's a serious question

Obama: no it wasn't and you know it - Macarena!

Macarena: talk to me about Chile

Obama: i like mine with beans, meat, and a lot of heat

Q: no the country

Obama: oh that - hey Chile may bail out California which would be awesome

Q: Brazil?

Obama: well that's very different - their President has the full Brazilian which is very cool

Hans: do we need another stimulus?

Obama: hey I've said it before - no on knew just how shitty Bush's economy was and we still haven't recovered

Obama: my stimulus is working and it will keep working but we are after all in a little Depression

Now I watch Chris Matthews moan about poll numbers and I say hey fucker we're doing everything we can but I don't blame people for being unhappy - I mean just look at Jon and Kate - this is a tough time in America!

April: black Americans are living through a real Depression dood if you won't help who will!?

Obama: Pete Hoekstra's never wins at video poker so he knows how they feel

April: true

Obama: but never fear we are training young people to text and e-mail

Suzanne: did you see the video of Neda??

Obama: yeah it's not as much fun as all the cat videos on YouTube

Suzanne: will you let people in Iran vote?

Obama: i support freedom of speech unlike some previous administrations I could mention - but this is about Iran not America and as Martin Luther King said the Justice League will prevail!
Posted by Culture of Truth

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Meet The Press with Sam Nunn and Fred Thompson - June 21, 2009

Meet The Press
June 21, 2009
Israel Prime Minister Netanyahu
Former Sen. Sam Nunn
Former Sen. Fred Thompson

Gregory: the Supreme Leader says
the protestors are terrorists

Arouzi: that’s right so now Bush will
waterboard them

Gregory: no I mean the Ayatollah in Iran

Arouzi: oh yeah him too

Gregory: so the protestors are beaten and
the journalists are harassed?

Arouzi: it’s crazy - I haven’t seen anything like this since Republican convention in New York

Gregory: so why is the Iranian tv showing
the protestors?

Engel: they call them domestic terrorists and
claim they’re attacking the police

Gregory: oh they’re the Bill Ayres of Iran

Engel: Mousavi wants to be a martyr to freedom

Gregory: Now he knows how Pete Hoekstra
feels - today he ordered a non-fat skinny
latte and got cream

Gregory: Should Obama Dare to be Stupid and do what the GOP wants him to do on Iran?

Engel: no he shouldn’t and you know what I
heard - American doesn’t get to decide what happens in Iran!

Gregory: No!

Engel: Yes!

Gregory: is this is the beginning of the end
of the regime?

Arouzi: Mousavi and the Government are in
a fight to the death

Gregory: this looks bad for the crazy fundamentalists

Engel: Ahmadinejad claims this is all a revolution fueled from the outside

Gregory: so naturally Obama should take from McCain’s advice and play right into their hands

Engel: right

Gregory: fascinating

[ break ]

Gregory: Bibi what’s going on?

Netanyahu: the Iranian regime are a
bunch of fucktards

Gregory: this is all about America of course -- so what should Obama do?

Netanyahu: he already said he supports a free Iran and that’s enough

Gregory: Bibi that’s not good enough! Doesn’t America have a unique role to play in a country thousands of miles away where they once overthrew a democratic government and is held in wide suspicion if not outright hatred?

Netanyahu: your grasp of international politics is
indeed keen Greggers

Gregory: Is this a game changer for Iran’s nukes?

Netanyahu: I talked to Obama and he said we are going to prevent Iran from getting nukes and that’s final

Gregory: How are we going to defang Iran??

Netanyahu: we’re going to kick some
fucking Iranain ass

Gregory: frawesome

Netanyahu: hey if Iran gets nukes it could spawn
a nuke arms race in the middle east

Gregory: oh noes!

Netanyahu: no its true

Gregory: but you have nukes

Netanyahu: yes but god gave them to the Jewish people 3,000 years ago

Gregory: did the Bush strategy work?

Netanyahu: yeah it’s worked wonders

Gregory: what’s the winning formula for peace

Netanyahu: it’s a secret like the formula for
Coke or the KFC 11 herbs and spices

Gregory: give me a hint

Netanyahu: The Palestinians have to do something
they’re not gonna want to do

Gregory: host a morning talk show?

Netanyahu: something like that

Gregory: Senator you’re a former bad actor and no one likes you - so give us all your expertise on Iran

Thompson: Obama’s not taking a strong stand for freedom and when he doesn’t come from the heart

Gregory: in my opinion hasn’t done enough in country thousands of miles away

Nunn: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: but these protests are all about
the United States

Nunn: no they are not fluffyhead

Gregory: so sad

Gregory: Fred - George Bush called them the Axis
of Evil and it didn’t work

Thompson: George Bush was a wimp and weak
and a cream puff

Gregory: interesting I didn’t know you this crazy

Thompson: we need support the freedom loving protestors and bomb the fuck out of Iran

Nunn: I agree with Fred we need to take tough steps by sitting down with Iranians and telling them if they don’t stand for freedom we are going to pulverize their cities and kill their children

Gregory: should we declare war on North Korea

Nunn: this is a jump ball

Gregory: well Obama does play basketball

Gregory: is Obama’s health care plan
on life support?

Thompson: yes it’s going to cost one million dollars which shows no one has any clue I mean a million is what I got paid to say stupid shit on Law & Order

Gregory: it’s a trillion actually

Thompson: What!? Holy shit!

Gregory: this is very scary

Thompson: there will be rationing and deaths

Nunn: look the old bed was on fire when the
dog went out hunting

Gregory: um what

Nunn: if you want the cookies and ice cream
you gotta milk the cow

Gregory: gosh it’s like being with two charming
old senile grandpas

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] the deficit!! Omg!!!

Thompson: demmit we could just send out a few vouchers and cut entitlements and everything would be fine grrrrrrrr

Gregory: have the Republicans found
their voice finally?

Thompson: yes giving people health care is crazy

Gregory: there is high unemployment 5 month into his presidency - is Obama the worst President ever?

Thompson: I am forced to agree David Gregory

Gregory: should we let gays serve honorably which they already do but in secret?

Nunn: no we’re in the middle of 2 wars

Gregory: so maybe we need all the good soldiers
we can get

Nunn: hey if I can’t have gay sex why should
they have all the fun?

Gregory: i hear you sammy

Posted by Culture of Truth

Sunday, June 14, 2009

60 Minutes - June 14, 2009

60 Minutes - June 14, 2009
Harry Markopolos on Harry Madoff
Kroft: how many times did you
alert the SEC about Madoff

Markopolos: eleventy times

Kroft: what happened

Markopolos: they gave him an award

Kroft: how long did it take you to figure
out he was a fraud

Markopolos: five minutes

Kroft: why so long?

Markopolos: i used a slide rule

Kroft: maybe he was just naturally good

Markopolos: yeah just like Sammy Sosa

Kroft: you wanted a whistleblower award

Markopolos: i discovered this in 2001 and
by 2005 - i was waving semaphores in front
of SEC headquarters

Kroft: what happened

Markopolos: they said Ayn Rand told
them to leave Bernie alone

Kroft: who knew he was cheating?

Markopolos: oh everyone knew

Kroft: really?

Markopolos: oh yeah in the men's bathroom
at Goldman Sachs it said "Bernie Madoff
is a Big Cheat"

Markopolos: the SEC investigated
Madoff for a whole year

Kroft: what happened?

Markopolos: they found out he wore
brown shoes with a blue suit

Kroft: bastards!

Madoff: it's impossible to cheat
with the SEC watching you

SEC: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Kroft: what's wrong with the SEC

Markopolos: it's full of lawyers

SEC Lawyer:
[ removes shoes and socks, counts to 20 ]

Markopolos: it was a big 'affinity scam'

Kroft: so who would you scam for example

Markopolos: the Greeks

Kroft: but you didn't

Markopolos: oh no those fuckers will kill you

Kroft: so who are the biggest suckers in America?

Markopolos: people in Greenwich Connecticut

Kroft: what do the brilliant
feeder funds guys do?

Markopolos: they research and vouch for funds

Kroft: how did that work out

Boies: they gave all their client's money to Bernie Madoff and it vanished

Kroft: but they lost too

Markopolos: yes they were forced sell their homes and move to luxury homes in the Caribbean

Kroft: oh noe

Kroft: well at least the SEC finally
caught Bernie and stopped him

Markopolos: no he turned himself in

Kroft: that's odd

Markopolos: no that's how the SEC works - they like to wait until evildoers show up on their doorstep

Kroft: so it's like Bush and Bin Laden

Markopolos: right
Posted by Culture of Truth

Meet the Press with Vice President Joe Biden - June 14, 2009

Meet The Press
June 14, 2009
Vice President Joe Biden
Joe Scarborough
Mike Murphy
Gregory: welcome back Jack

Biden: my name is Joe

Gregory: whatever

Biden: ok

Gregory: so did Members Only win the election in Iran or not

Biden: yeah he won like Bush won Florida in 2000

Gregory: so you’re saying he did win?

Biden: no you idiot

Gregory: but Ahmadinejad says he won

Biden: I find it unlikely he won Palm Beach considering he wasn’t even running in
the United States

Gregory: some would call that odd

Biden: The Supreme Leader has the final say

Gregory: the Ayatollah?

Biden: no buddy - Barack Obama

Gregory: Members Only seems emboldened

Biden: he protests a little too much I think

Gregory: Obama reached out and the Iranians
still voted for the Crazy guy

Biden: if you believe the so-called results

Gregory: well I do

Biden: yes I saw you dancing with Ahmadinejad

Gregory: just on “Iran’s Got Talent”

Biden: good luck on that by the way

Gregory: should Iran have nuclear power?

Biden: P5 + 1

Gregory: you sank may battleship!

Biden: you will stop their nukes?

Biden: God and Obama willing

Gregory: in that order?

Biden: not necessarily

Gregory: what about the lunatics in North Korea?

Biden: hell even the Chinese recognize
this guy is a total wacko

Gregory: what does he want?

Biden: who knows - we offered to
send him Madonna and A-Rod

Gregory: how did that go?

Biden: he asked for Angelina Jolie and
either Jon or Kate

Gregory: oh my

Biden: he’s a very tough negotiator

Gregory: you’re in charge of the
$800 million stimulus

Biden: frawsome baby!

Gregory: did you really create 100,000 jobs?

Biden: yes but they were all spades

Gregory: um what

Biden: but clean and articulate

Gregory: defend your job losses

Biden: hey we lost 300,000 jobs and
Bush lost 700,000

Gregory: but you’re still losing jobs

Biden: but losing them at a slower rate!

Gregory: so did you oversell the plan?

Biden: what if we did? it still worked

Gregory: but there are still
unemployed people in America!

Biden: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: regardless I still don’t like you

Biden: things are getting better

Gregory: that’s true - look at my hair

[ fluffs hair ]

Biden: we saved the fucking auto
industry for god’s sake

Gregory: but you haven’t spend enough

Biden: here Dave here’s 100 bucks

[ hands Dave a one hundred dollar bill ]

Gregory: wow a bennie gosh thanks jack

Biden: joe

Gregory: right

Biden: the spades are in the ground!

Gregory: oh dear

Gregory: OMG I just remembered
that the deficit matters!!

Biden: after 8 years this occurred to you

Gregory: exactly!

Biden: you are such a whore

Gregory: but the Washington Post
called for less spending!

Biden: what about the wars that
Fred Hiatt loves so much?

Gregory: well naturally not those wars

Biden: we’re going to repeal the Bush tax cuts

Gregory: which will make the debt worse!

Biden: are you huffing glue flufflyhead?

[ stops in mid-huffing ]

Gregory: um what?

Biden: get the hook on this clown

Gregory: how do you pay for
$1 trillion in health care??

Biden: we already pay for it dipshit

Gregory: but the taxes!

Biden: let the Democrats in Congress raise taxes

Gregory: we must save the insurance of course

Biden: fuck that shit

Gregory: do you want a public plan?

Biden: why not?

Gregory: Republicans say they can’t accept it

Biden: so what those fuckers in the minority

Gregory: but they have a majority of my heart

Biden: I think you are suffused
with Republican mitochlorians

Gregory: speaking of that it’s outrageous that you are increasing government and not giving free money to executives on welfare and regulating energy

Biden: so sad

Gregory: what achievements do you have to show?

Biden: we saved a million jobs fool

Gregory: what’s the exit strategy?

Biden: NOW you fucking ask that question!

Gregory: you gave money to AIG

Biden: no Bush did that

Gregory: no that’s different
- he gave me a funny nickname

Biden: of course

Gregory: you’re meddling in the natural
order of legal bankruptcy

Biden: which is pure of course

Gregory: Chapter 11 is God’s Law

Gregory: you are only making unconditional demands on Israel

Biden: that’s total bullshit

Gregory: nevertheless I say it

Biden: what a silly person you are

Gregory: ok name me a demand
you made on the muslims

Biden: they have to stop bombing innocent Israelis

Gregory: tell me - is the President a bad man?

Biden: shut the fuck up stupid

Gregory: do you have President’s ear?

Biden: yes and they huge

Gregory: um what?

Biden: and clean

Gregory: ha ha

Biden: I used to say stupid things to Supreme Court nominees in Committee and now I get to say them in the Oval Office

Gregory: that’s better for us all

Biden: indeed

Gregory: what’s up with the GOP

Biden: a bigger bunch of idiots I have never seen

Gregory: George McGovern?

Biden: fair point but it’s not even close dood

Gregory: what is the deal with Dick
Cheney - does he wish America was attacked?

Biden: he’s not wrong just evil

Gregory: your son is in Iraq

Biden: it’s good for politics

Gregory: should he run for office

Biden: hell I ran when I was 29 why not

Gregory: please offer your paens to Saint Timmy

Biden: it was bittersweet because you are stupid but then again it’s easier to debate you

Gregory: thank you

Biden: god you’re dumb

Gregory: me am smart

Biden: Timmy was a blue collar guy

Gregory: with a 7 million dollar house on Nantucket

Biden: the awesome

Gregory: I miss him so much - he stood for all of us

Gregory: and next to debate Obama’s
policies - two Republicans

Biden: [ sobs]

Gregory: I miss Tim too

[ break]

Gregory: talk to me about the Democrats

Scarborough: I thought George Bush was a reckless spender but paying for health care is crazee!!!

Murphy: sounds to me like he opened to the door to surrendering to Republicans on health care

Scarborough: wow Biden thinks the
Iran election was fixed!

Murphy: so why engage - we should bomb them

Gregory: good idea

Scarborough: this fixed election is all Obama’s fault for promoting freedom in Cairo

Gregory: we were sold this hideous stimulus but Obama has only saved 300,000 jobs

Scarborough: even I think
you’re full of shit David

Murphy: Obama is responsible for
mortgage rates adjusting

Scarborough: nancy pelosi!

Gregory: ok, how can the three of us rescue the Republican party?

Scarborough: I wrote a book called “Bush Was a Fucking Idiot”

Gregory: sounds good to me

Scarborough: Bush was a big liberal you know

Gregory: fascinating!

Scarborough: conservatives believe in less
debt and less government power

Gregory: since when?

Scarborough: George Herbert Walker Bush was that kind of conservative

Gregory: no, he had record debt
and mocked the ACLU

Scarborough: Ok Reagan then

Gregory: no he was big spender, taxer
and grew government

Scarborough: Nixon

Gregory: Nope socially we he was a
big spending liberal

Scarborough: Eisenhower?

Gregory: Try again

Scarborough: Hoover!

Gregory: that’s your model?

Murphy: right - we need to emulate
Herbert Hoover

Gregory: and what else

Murphy: accuse Democrats of being almost as bad as Republicans

Gregory: someone at my kid’s soccer game called me a GOP whore

Murphy: wow who was it?

Gregory: sadly it was my son!

Scarborough: sharp kid

Murphy: in retrospect Republicans shouldn’t have spent three decades being lying,
incompetent and racist

Gregory: how interesting

Scarborough: we should probably stop
idiotic name-calling

Murphy: indeed

[strokes ratty beard ]

Scarborough: look our only real problem is that Republicans are acting fucking crazy

Gregory: well good luck with that
Posted by Culture of Truth

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Brian Williams Inside the White House - June 3, 2009

Brian Williams Inside the Obama White House
June 3, 2009
Host: Brian Williams
Barack Obama
Michelle Obama
Williams: Barack is crazy multitasker

Obama: damm right I am [ tweets,
reads book, pets dog ]

Williams: Rahm Emmanuel is the enforcer

Emmanuel: fuckin’ A!

[slaps Williams]

Williams: Joe Biden shares an office
with the Bo the dog

Biden: I don’t mind - I love dogs

Bo: arf arf arf

Williams: what did he say

Pixar: he said ‘remember what happened
to henry wallace’

Williams: Michelle has multiple jobs

Audience: wow for a second I thought you were
going to say something else

Williams: she’s a Harvard grad and hot MILF

Michelle: pet the dog Brian

Williams: can I play on the swing set

Michelle: first do your homework buddy

Williams: ok

Williams: she has a garden and the first
beehive since Mamie Eisenhower

Williams: Michelle will you hug me

Michelle: down boy

Williams: ok sorry

Michelle: I wuz talking to the dog

Williams: what is your message michelle

Michelle: life isn’t rocket science just
try hard and do yur best

Williams: also have a deep voice and perfect hair

Williams: speak for youself

Williams: [ deep voice ] ok

Michelle: William Hurt’s character in Broadcast
News was based on you, wasn’t he

Williams: is it that obvious?

Williams: you seem determined to raise
two well-adjusted daughters

Michelle: well of course

Williams: oh you should meet the Bush family

Michelle: I made Barack run for President
so he would be home more

Williams: naturally

Michelle: Barack and I work out together

Williams: show off

Williams: hey here’s the president and the dog

Barack: I taught him a trick - he’s a good boy!

Michelle: I caught him chewing up a
magazine but he’s a sweetie

Williams: yes he seems like a sweet dog

Barack: we weren’t talking about the dog

Williams: your daughter has epilepsy

Axelrod: just like Justice Roberts

Gibbs: we get to see our families again in 2016

Williams: wow I work 15 minutes a day

Rahm: all families must be crushed to
the agenda!! [ stabs table with knife ]

Williams: ok ok

Axelrod: yeah Rahm’s high strung

Obama: don’t talk to me about sacrifice - I campaigned non-stop for 2 fucking years

Williams: you got a swing set to be close to your kids

Obama: it’s not just for my daughters - Joe Biden can use it too

Williams: you uprooted your girls from Chicago

Obama: yes but my mother in law embodies Chicago - she was a point guard for the Bulls and was a linebacker for the Bears

Williams: wow there are kids in the White House just like when Kennedy was President

Obama: if they go on dates I for one will be relieved that the Secret Service is there

Williams: I hear you brother

Obama: men with guns guard my daughters dude

[ break ]

Williams: Dick Cheney says America is less safe because you are playing basketball instead of boiling people in oil

Obama: yes but the difference is people working in the White House now know what the fuck they are doing

Williams: General Motors is your Vietnam

Obama: well McNamara ran Ford to that makes perfect sense - if you’re a moron

Williams: you went on a date to New York City and California - why not visit America once in a while?

Obama: I’m trying to give Biden the pig flu

Williams: I sense that George Bush couldn’t
have given a speech to the muslim world

Obama: no he could have given such a speech
- it’s just that he would have sucked

Williams: true

Williams: a doctor was just shot in a church
-- what is your message to both sides - the pro murder and anti-murder side?

Obama: brian are you out of your fucking mind??

Williams: what about the gays and lesbians
and also homosexuals?

Obama: they should be able to visit each
other in the hospital - if they are lucky enough to have health insurance

Williams: what’s your economic plan?

Obama: we had to have a stimulus or we
risked a Great Depression

Williams: we already had one of those

Obama: ok another one

Williams: so what’s your long term goal?

Obama: we have to reform health care and gets costs down to France or Britain otherwise we might as well fold up the tents

Williams: you get many letters

Obama: yes from single mothers everywhere - look here’s one “I’m a Hispanic single mom and would like to be a Supreme Court Justice”

Williams: wow we deployed 35 cameras to capture this white house in full

Obama: I only saw 2

Williams: the other 33 were on the dog