Sunday, December 06, 2009

Meet The Press - December 6, 2009

December 6, 2009
Sec. Hillary Clinton
Sec. Bob Gates
Sen. John McCain
Tom Friedman
Bob Woodward
Gregory: Welcome Secretaries to meet the press

Gates: rock on

Clinton: hey-o

Gregory: so are we finally leaving Afghanistan
or what?

Gates: we are beginning to thin our forces

Gregory: so fewer troops over time

Gates: no we’re just feeding them less

Gregory: does a deadline give our enemies a
green light to bide their time and then attack
us after we leave?

Clinton: no because this deadline is to tell
the Afghans to get off their asses and take
over their own country

Gregory: but this is a signal of weakness!

Gates: Calm down Fluffy - how can we ever
leave without planning on leaving?

Gregory: we could just leave unannounced
one night like my relatives when they come for Thanksgiving

Clinton: Look Greggers George W. Bush lost the Afghan war and we’re finally going to send the Marines and kick Afghan ass

Gregory: Bob is it true that George Bush refused
to send reinforcements to Afghanistan?

Gates: yes - Bush wanted to send all out troops to Ukraine and Australia

Gregory: that’s Risk

Gates: tell me about it

Gregory: are we finally downsizing the War on Terror and upping the War on Panic?

Clinton: not at all - we’re never leaving Afghanistan but we’re putting civilians there instead

Gregory: But Dick Cheney says Obama is weak
and we must kill all bad guys!!

Clinton: I recently got a PDB: “David Gregory Determined to Remain a Moron”

Gates: I helped write that

Clinton: awesome

Gates: Osama bin Laden is only one who wants
us to stay there forever

Gregory: and Cheney

Gates: well of course

Gregory: so when are leaving so I can accuse
you of surrendering

Gates: eleventy-never

Gregory: When will you go after the Baddest
of the Bad

Clinton: I don’t know anything about Tiger Woods

Gregory: Don’t you have to kill Osama bin Laden?

Clinton: I’ll strangle him myself if I have to

Gregory: isn’t this a quagmire just like when the USSR invaded?

Gates: no not at all we just have a lot of troops attempting to impose a government in Afghanistan going house to house to eliminate any domestic opposition to our invasion

Gregory: right

Gregory: But Tom Hayden says this is immoral!

Clinton: let’s not bicker about who invaded who - good grief we’ve got kids planting fucking seeds!

Gregory: but I just realized this invasion is
so expensive!

Clinton: who gives a fuck - this is war!

Gregory: Is failure an option in Afghanistan?

Gates: Seriously, he can’t be this stupid can
he Hillary?

Clinton: no Bob he really is

Gates: Fascinating

[ break ]

Gregory: Should we ever withdraw from Afghanistan?

McCain: first let me say casualties will go up and many more young people will be killed and therefore I strongly support the decision

Gregory: of course

McCain: Afghanistan, India, Iraq and Pakistan are
all now panicking because we might end our occupation of that region and boy do they hate that

Gregory: what’s your answer?

McCain: we must stop Al-Qaeda from looking at their watches by taking away their arms

Gregory: their weapons?

McCain: no their actual arms - and legs if necessary

Gregory: but that’s a forever war!

McCain: no the goal of all war is to break the enemy’s will

Gregory: oh that’s right - you’re fucking crazy

McCain: we must crush the people psychologically

Gregory: the people are so depressed they veer between being suicidal and engaging in wholescale revolution

McCain: the Afghan people are not there yet

Gregory: I was talking about America

McCain: kill! kill kill!

Gregory: Karzai is corrupt - why should we commit ourselves there?!

McCain: because Maliki was ineffective in Iraq
until we started killing on his behalf

Gregory: um what?

McCain: nothing succeeds like success - we just have kill more people and then the Afghan government will be really popular!

Gregory: can we catch Osama?

McCain: the bad news is we can’t catch him but the good news is al-qaeda will attack us anyway

Gregory: is Obama surrending the war on terror?

McCain: you are an idiot

Gregory: but the message of weakness!

McCain: taking to time to think about our policy didn’t help our enemies

Gregory: is the stimulus working?

McCain: no

Gregory: really?

McCain: well maybe it did

Gregory: I don’t understand

McCain: Generational Theft!

Gregory: Health care public option?

McCain: I hope the American people will reject Medicare, Medicare, Veteran’s health and what
all Congressmen get

Gregory: tell me about Sarah Palin

McCain: I am very entertained when I see
her attacked

Gregory: she thinks you’re an senile fool

McCain: Todd lent me his silk underwear so
we’re friends now


Gregory: Tom you’re a bloodthirsty maniac
- tell me about Afghanistan

Friedman: the key issue is that our chief ally Karzai is corrupt and so we must fight him so we can then support him

Woodward: the good news is Obama has pleased the Village which loves good war

Gregory: will Pakistan attack the Baddest of
the Bad guys?

Friedman: there is only one indicator of success
- if I sell more books

Gregory: that’s all?

Friedman: The Afghans have to want to destroy
their country more than we do

Gregory: doesn’t a withdrawal giving the enemy
an advantage?

Woodward: [ laughs in Gregory’s face ]
man you’re dumb

Friedman: we need to encourage a bloody civil war in Islam

Gregory: wow - you’re still crazy after all these years

Friedman: those fucking muslims make just want to bomb all of them

Woodward: we should smoke bad cigarettes and use toilets with Afghans

Audience: truly a meeting of the minds this morning

Gregory: Obama said failure is an option

Friedman: we should impose a gasoline tax now that a Democrat is President

Woodward: what they are really saying is let’s see what happens on the ground

Gregory: oh really

Woodward: but then there could be another horrible attack on America which would change everything

Gregory: we can only hope