December 6, 2009
Sec. Hillary Clinton
Sec. Bob Gates
Sen. John McCain
Gregory: Welcome Secretaries to meet the press
Gates: rock on
Gregory: so are we finally leaving Afghanistan
Gates: we are beginning to thin our forces
Gregory: so fewer troops over time
Gates: no we’re just feeding them less
Gregory: does a deadline give our enemies a
green light to bide their time and then attack
us after we leave?
Clinton: no because this deadline is to tell
the Afghans to get off their asses and take
over their own country
Gregory: but this is a signal of weakness!
Gates: Calm down Fluffy - how can we ever
leave without planning on leaving?
Gregory: we could just leave unannounced
one night like my relatives when they come for Thanksgiving
Clinton: Look Greggers George W. Bush lost the Afghan war and we’re finally going to send the Marines and kick Afghan ass
Gregory: Bob is it true that George Bush refused
to send reinforcements to Afghanistan?
Gates: yes - Bush wanted to send all out troops to Ukraine and Australia
Gregory: that’s Risk
Gates: tell me about it
Gregory: are we finally downsizing the War on Terror and upping the War on Panic?
Clinton: not at all - we’re never leaving Afghanistan but we’re putting civilians there instead
Gregory: But Dick Cheney says Obama is weak
and we must kill all bad guys!!
Clinton: I recently got a PDB: “David Gregory Determined to Remain a Moron”
Gates: I helped write that
Gates: Osama bin Laden is only one who wants
us to stay there forever
Gregory: and Cheney
Gates: well of course
Gregory: so when are leaving so I can accuse
you of surrendering
Gregory: When will you go after the Baddest
of the Bad
Clinton: I don’t know anything about Tiger Woods
Gregory: Don’t you have to kill Osama bin Laden?
Clinton: I’ll strangle him myself if I have to
Gregory: isn’t this a quagmire just like when the USSR invaded?
Gates: no not at all we just have a lot of troops attempting to impose a government in Afghanistan going house to house to eliminate any domestic opposition to our invasion
Gregory: But Tom Hayden says this is immoral!
Clinton: let’s not bicker about who invaded who - good grief we’ve got kids planting fucking seeds!
Gregory: but I just realized this invasion is
Clinton: who gives a fuck - this is war!
Gregory: Is failure an option in Afghanistan?
Gates: Seriously, he can’t be this stupid can
Clinton: no Bob he really is
[ break ]
Gregory: Should we ever withdraw from Afghanistan?
McCain: first let me say casualties will go up and many more young people will be killed and therefore I strongly support the decision
Gregory: of course
McCain: Afghanistan, India, Iraq and Pakistan are
all now panicking because we might end our occupation of that region and boy do they hate that
Gregory: what’s your answer?
McCain: we must stop Al-Qaeda from looking at their watches by taking away their arms
Gregory: their weapons?
McCain: no their actual arms - and legs if necessary
Gregory: but that’s a forever war!
McCain: no the goal of all war is to break the enemy’s will
Gregory: oh that’s right - you’re fucking crazy
McCain: we must crush the people psychologically
Gregory: the people are so depressed they veer between being suicidal and engaging in wholescale revolution
McCain: the Afghan people are not there yet
Gregory: I was talking about America
McCain: kill! kill kill!
Gregory: Karzai is corrupt - why should we commit ourselves there?!
McCain: because Maliki was ineffective in Iraq
until we started killing on his behalf
Gregory: um what?
McCain: nothing succeeds like success - we just have kill more people and then the Afghan government will be really popular!
Gregory: can we catch Osama?
McCain: the bad news is we can’t catch him but the good news is al-qaeda will attack us anyway
Gregory: is Obama surrending the war on terror?
McCain: you are an idiot
Gregory: but the message of weakness!
McCain: taking to time to think about our policy didn’t help our enemies
Gregory: is the stimulus working?
McCain: well maybe it did
Gregory: I don’t understand
McCain: Generational Theft!
Gregory: Health care public option?
McCain: I hope the American people will reject Medicare, Medicare, Veteran’s health and what
all Congressmen get
Gregory: tell me about Sarah Palin
McCain: I am very entertained when I see
Gregory: she thinks you’re an senile fool
McCain: Todd lent me his silk underwear so
we’re friends now
Gregory: Tom you’re a bloodthirsty maniac
- tell me about Afghanistan
Friedman: the key issue is that our chief ally Karzai is corrupt and so we must fight him so we can then support him
Woodward: the good news is Obama has pleased the Village which loves good war
Gregory: will Pakistan attack the Baddest of
the Bad guys?
Friedman: there is only one indicator of success
- if I sell more books
Gregory: that’s all?
Friedman: The Afghans have to want to destroy
their country more than we do
Gregory: doesn’t a withdrawal giving the enemy
Woodward: [ laughs in Gregory’s face ]
man you’re dumb
Friedman: we need to encourage a bloody civil war in Islam
Gregory: wow - you’re still crazy after all these years
Friedman: those fucking muslims make just want to bomb all of them
Woodward: we should smoke bad cigarettes and use toilets with Afghans
Audience: truly a meeting of the minds this morning
Gregory: Obama said failure is an option
Friedman: we should impose a gasoline tax now that a Democrat is President
Woodward: what they are really saying is let’s see what happens on the ground
Gregory: oh really
Woodward: but then there could be another horrible attack on America which would change everything
Gregory: we can only hope