Sunday, December 13, 2009

Meet the Press - December 13, 2009

Jennifer Granholm - Gov. of Michigan
Christina Romer - Chair, White House Council
of Economic Advisors
Mitt Romney
Alan Greenspan
Jim Cramer
Gregory: Obama says Wall Street screwed
over the nation

Romer: yeah pretty much

Gregory: so is the U.S. fucked?

Romer: we were but things are turning around

Gregory: would financial reforms have prevented
the major meltdown?

Romer: that’s the point behind the new laws

Gregory: but answer my hypothetical question!

Romer: are you some kind of idiot?

Gregory: Obama says Wall Street doesn’t get it

Romer: they don’t - unless by ‘it’ you mean free government money in which case they do

Gregory: but Wall Street creates jobs on Main street - why punish them?

Romer: because they’re total fucktards

Gregory: But doesn’t Obama want Goldman Sachs to make money so it can trickle down to the
little people?

Romer: calm down Fluffy

Gregory: how long is this recession going to last?

Romer: we’ll go up and down for a while

Gregory: is the recession over?

Romer: no it will be over when Obama is reelected and we have secure jobs

Gregory: why didn’t Obama declare War on Unemployment

Romer: Greggers we immediately passed the
biggest stimulus in the history of the nation

Gregory: but the stimulus failed

Romer: I don’t have crystal balls

Gregory: I think Mitt Romney has those

Gregory: you said we should have a
$1.2 trillion stimulus

Romer: yeah well I was proven fucking right

Gregory: but shouldn’t have it been bigger?

Romer: it was the best we could get from the assholes in Congress

Gregory: the L.A. Times says we have to cut the deficit first

Romer: ah morons abound

Gregory: so Obama doesn’t care about stealing
from our children?

Romer: recovery is the only way to cut the deficit

Gregory: so you will raise taxes, increase the debt and kill America

Romer: 1 in 10 of Americans are unemployed dancing dave!

Gregory: so how do you pay for it??

Romer: you borrow money in a recession you fool

Gregory: so how will we know when it’s over

Romer: when unemployment is at 5%

Gregory: Ok

Romer: hey you’ve held this job for a year
which amazes me


Gregory: Alan no offense but I get mixed messages from the White House

Greenspan: the bad news is we’re at the bottom but the good news is I’m a bottom

Gregory: Jenny 8,675,309

Granholm: what?

Gregory: that’s the number of jobs Michigan has lost

Granholm: it would have been much worse without Obama’s efforts

Romney: the economy is growing but the stimulus failed and killed jobs

Gregory: some would say that Romney is partisan yet some would say the sun shines out of his ass

Cramer: right

Gregory: some would say Obama is a failure but on the other hand the Republicans had a lot of great ideas like a payroll tax holiday

Cramer: where’s the money!?

Gregory: some would say Reagan was a great President - how do answer this charge Ayn Greenspan?

Greenspan: we did that by wearing onions on
our belts which was the style at the time

Gregory: what jobs will we create - I mean we suck
at everything

Granholm: we’ll make solar panels - we’ll aim them
at Mitt Romny’s ass

Romney: Let’s take the stimulus bill and use that money to allow business to deduct taxes and let’s take wasted TARP money and use the money being returned from banks to give that to banks

Cramer: business are hiring in Brazil and Russia because businesses have successfully captured the governments there

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
a lot of people say the U.S. has no commitment to capitalism and businesses are terrified of government!

Greenspan: banks have lots of money - they just won’t lend it because most small businesses would
lose it

Gregory: the President attacks Wall Street which
is the Happiest Place on Earth - why is he doing that???
[ starts sobbing ]

Granholm: our auto companies would love start making good cars but they need loans to stop manufacturing junk

Gregory: maybe American products just suck

Romney: the problem is people are terrified of financial rules and possible good health care
and so of course make crap

Gregory: Krugman says unemployment is bad

Greenspan: sorry the Fed has done all it could possibly do - TARP was very necessary but inflation is scary so people should just eat apple cores

Gregory: what about Fed independence?

Greenspan: Oh I think it’s terrible that Congress would threaten it

Gregory: like when you shilled for the Bush
tax cuts?

Greenspan: I like pudding!

Gregory: Mitt how do you answer
the charge that Obama is soft on evil?

Romney: [ rebooting ]

Cramer: hey we have to raise taxes to pay
for our wars

Romney: we can pay for wars and lower taxes
- all we have to do cut pay for government workers who make much more money than people in the private sector

Gregory: where will unemployment be next year?

Greenspan: much lower, luckily because of
census employment

Gregory: that’s government

Greenspan: naptime!

Gregory: should we raise interest rates?

Greenspan: we should change rates to 5 bees
for a dollar

Granholm: we can’t be all doom and gloom
- I mean at least we all have jobs

Greenspan: not me

Granholm: be quiet or I’ll put you in place we saw on “America’s Worst Nursing Homes”

Greenspan: I’ll be good

Gregory: ok that’s the final word

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Greenspan as Grandpa Simpson... nice. :-)