Obama Press Conference - February 9, 2009

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Press Conference
President Barack Obama
Monday, February 9, 2009
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Obama: Hi - Today I was in one of the shittiest economic places in America - in fact local tv interrupt stories about Michael Phelps to tell viewers that their lives really really suck

Audience: ooooh

Obama: if you are still an ignorant fucktard, I suggest you pull your head out of your ass

Now I plan to create 4 million jobs if only the Ayn Randians would kindly get the fuck out of the way

Audience: yeahhh

Obama: we will give $2500 for college, $1,000 to working people, and a dollar for everyone to get the tv they used to get for free

Audience: okayyy

Obama: we're going to invest in roads, bridges, and community theatre - dams, levees, turbines, and goose-resistant planes

Audience: ahhhhh

Obama: and police, firefighters, and increased steriod surveillance for our professional athletes

The Chamber of Commerce and the AFL-CIO Agree: I'm actually black

Audience: wow

Obama: there are no earmarks, pet projects, or money for cats or dogs

Cats: grrrrrrrr

Obama: hey dudes I inherited Bush's crappy economy - and now I Barack Obama am here to fulfill my role of destiny and be America's Magic Negro and rescue you sad, sad white people

AP: Bam you said that America will fail - why do hate America?

Obama: i was talking the language of science - granted, not a real one, economics - but nevertheless i was telling the truth

AP: isn't that highly irresponsible when you run a fake Empire

Obama: hey baby this is the worst the Epic Depression

AP: you mean Great Depression

Obama: no i was talking about the Fall of the Roman Empire

Obama: look some people have this philosphy from Ayn Rand who think FDR was wrong to implement the New Deal and also giving women and darkies the right to vote

Beck: say amen

Obama: genius white people gave me a trillion dollar debt - so if you didn't want this mutt in charge you should't have made me your dictator

Beck: say wha?

Obama: read the fine print doofus

Obama: i sick of motherfuckin snakes on motherfucking planes!!!

AP: to what are you fucking referring?

Obama: fuckin executives on fucking private jets!!

AP: but but the Republicans

Obama: Failed! Epically!

Reuters: Iran - nuke or carpet bomb?

Obama: they're so bellicose - it's very distasteful to someone like me who prefers subtler methods like Jedi mind tricks

Reuters: this isn't the question i was looking for

Obama: sorry about that - anyway I will sit across the table and tell Ahmedinejad very very frankly - nukes are unacceptable and 'dood, Members Only is way out of fashion'

BipartisanChip: What went wrong with your failed Presidency?

Obama: it's the fault of the Atwater-Gingrich-Rove Republicans -- dood I did everything I could to reach out to those lunatics and maybe someday they will stop acting like little babies and when that day comes my door will be open - until then I am the daddy and they are little kids and now it's time for Dad to go to work

Audience: oooo

Obama: there's a set of folks who want to negotiate by saying hey my offer is this nothing - well I'm black not italian and i think we should do something and for the non-dishonest Senators i'd like to have that conversation

Reporter: but the pork!

Obama: ha ha ha yeah coming from the party of waste fraud and abuse and big spending and debts I want to laugh at them, cry and then tell them to fuck off

Obama: I hear Republicans say 'why would you weatherize a building when you could throw that money out of an airplane in a foreign country'??

Reporter: right

Obama: it's like they take pride in being ignorant!

Audience: heh

Obama: or take efficiency in health care - doctors can't write or use computers - or take schools at Harvard one schools is from the 1700s it's terrible!

Reporter: ooh that's true

C-Todd: Sir isn't spending what ruined this economy and isn't it better for people to be noble and poor?

Obama: Toddster I do believe that goatee has sucked the brains outta your haid!

Todd: mooooan

Obama: i know what happened - crazy banks lent money to ever whackjob biped with a name and the ability to sign - well the motherfucking party is over

Todd: [ removes party hat ]

Obama: i didn't come in here ginned up to spend $800 billion on wave pools I had hoped to blow it on the awesomest party ever

Americans: fuck yeah

Obama: calm down -- now in the future my Presidency will be all about being responsible

Americans: [ put away party favors ]

Reporter: tell us the bad news Bam

Bam: The bad news? The bad news??!! Teh bad news is that George Bush was President for 8 years

Reporter: oh

Bam: we barely averted the disaster that was his term in office and now I am in charge and that means no more free rides for obscenely wealthy well-connected idiots from the scum on top of gene pool!

Idiots: aw shit

apper: Sir we are in freefall - how can we as journalists report when your Presidency has officially failed?

Obama: Snake I will create 4 million jobs, then i will restore the credit markets, the restore the housing values, after that i will grow the economy - then finally i will reverse the spin of the earth and bring terry schiavo back to life

Tapped: [ takes notes furiously ] 'spin of earth = fail'

Stupid Ed Henry: will your fulfill pledge to pull all troops out of Afghanistan?

Obama: no i said i would increase troops there and pull them out of Iraq

Ed: oh did you I was in the bathroom in 2008

Obama: it's very sobering to sign all those letters for killed soldiers

Bush: that's why i got lickered up Bammy

[ throws shoe at tv, misses ]

shit

Obama: hey remember how wonderful 9/11 was and we remember it like it was the best fucking day ever well it turns it wasn't so great

American: [ sighs gushes over 9/11 memory ]

Cooper: will require banks to stop using free money on champagne baths and sprinking diamonds on their cereal?

Obama: all i want is for them to use the money to stop eating poor people alive

Garrett: Joe Biden said your Presidency will probably fail - is he right?

Obama: oh joe joe joe - you do realize I hired someone just bumbling enough to make me look good don't you?

Garrett: really?

Obama: plus he's funniest gentile i know

Fletcher: Did you know A-Rod was on the Juice?

Obama: It's too bad because it shows you can be a good looking biracial successful young man and still fuck up

Thomas: Bam Harry Truman once told me i hope one day a black man has access to bomb

Obama: it was always my dream too

Thomas: Pakistan

Obama: it's not acceptable to have whackos living in mountainous caves with impunity - hell with DirectTV they get more NFL games than we do!

Thomas: oh noe

Obama: I will work with Vlad to lean on the Pakistanis - cause they are waaaay crazeee

Huffington Post: Truth and Reconciliation Commision on prosecuting Stupid and Dr. Evil?

Obama: i have this crazy idea about following the law and keeping us safe - now is Mr. Potter broke the law he should be prosecuted just like George Bailey was

Potter: dagnabit

Liasson: will you fail on getting votes from Goppers from now on?

Obama: Mara like i said - all that needs to happen is for the Republican party to sit down, shut the fuck up, and pull their heads out of their goddam asses

GOP: gorp!

Obama: by the way Mara if I had brought the GOP in any earlier they would have been there when my Kenyan father had made sweet love to my white momma

Mara: oh my

Obama: oh did i mention these closeted fuckers have no credibility on anything at all???

Mara: oh poo

Obama: i'm sorry but these assholes piss me off

Obama: now this is what these fuckers do on everything - economics, global warming, flat earth, they just pretend that there is debate and trot out non-experts and it's all fucking bullshit

Mara: but but

Obama: no look I am the eternal optimist that someday the GOP will stop being obstructionist dicks but that's just the kind of happy go lucky motherfucker I am

Good night - i said 'good night fuckers!'

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