Monday, February 09, 2009

Obama Press Conference - February 9, 2009

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Press Conference
President Barack Obama
Monday, February 9, 2009
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Obama: Hi - Today I was in one of the shittiest economic places in America - in fact local tv interrupt stories about Michael Phelps to tell viewers that their lives really really suck

Audience: ooooh

Obama: if you are still an ignorant fucktard, I suggest you pull your head out of your ass

Now I plan to create 4 million jobs if only the Ayn Randians would kindly get the fuck out of the way

Audience: yeahhh

Obama: we will give $2500 for college, $1,000 to working people, and a dollar for everyone to get the tv they used to get for free

Audience: okayyy

Obama: we're going to invest in roads, bridges, and community theatre - dams, levees, turbines, and goose-resistant planes

Audience: ahhhhh

Obama: and police, firefighters, and increased steriod surveillance for our professional athletes

The Chamber of Commerce and the AFL-CIO Agree: I'm actually black

Audience: wow

Obama: there are no earmarks, pet projects, or money for cats or dogs

Cats: grrrrrrrr

Obama: hey dudes I inherited Bush's crappy economy - and now I Barack Obama am here to fulfill my role of destiny and be America's Magic Negro and rescue you sad, sad white people

AP: Bam you said that America will fail - why do hate America?

Obama: i was talking the language of science - granted, not a real one, economics - but nevertheless i was telling the truth

AP: isn't that highly irresponsible when you run a fake Empire

Obama: hey baby this is the worst the Epic Depression

AP: you mean Great Depression

Obama: no i was talking about the Fall of the Roman Empire

Obama: look some people have this philosphy from Ayn Rand who think FDR was wrong to implement the New Deal and also giving women and darkies the right to vote

Beck: say amen

Obama: genius white people gave me a trillion dollar debt - so if you didn't want this mutt in charge you should't have made me your dictator

Beck: say wha?

Obama: read the fine print doofus

Obama: i sick of motherfuckin snakes on motherfucking planes!!!

AP: to what are you fucking referring?

Obama: fuckin executives on fucking private jets!!

AP: but but the Republicans

Obama: Failed! Epically!

Reuters: Iran - nuke or carpet bomb?

Obama: they're so bellicose - it's very distasteful to someone like me who prefers subtler methods like Jedi mind tricks

Reuters: this isn't the question i was looking for

Obama: sorry about that - anyway I will sit across the table and tell Ahmedinejad very very frankly - nukes are unacceptable and 'dood, Members Only is way out of fashion'

BipartisanChip: What went wrong with your failed Presidency?

Obama: it's the fault of the Atwater-Gingrich-Rove Republicans -- dood I did everything I could to reach out to those lunatics and maybe someday they will stop acting like little babies and when that day comes my door will be open - until then I am the daddy and they are little kids and now it's time for Dad to go to work

Audience: oooo

Obama: there's a set of folks who want to negotiate by saying hey my offer is this nothing - well I'm black not italian and i think we should do something and for the non-dishonest Senators i'd like to have that conversation

Reporter: but the pork!

Obama: ha ha ha yeah coming from the party of waste fraud and abuse and big spending and debts I want to laugh at them, cry and then tell them to fuck off

Obama: I hear Republicans say 'why would you weatherize a building when you could throw that money out of an airplane in a foreign country'??

Reporter: right

Obama: it's like they take pride in being ignorant!

Audience: heh

Obama: or take efficiency in health care - doctors can't write or use computers - or take schools at Harvard one schools is from the 1700s it's terrible!

Reporter: ooh that's true

C-Todd: Sir isn't spending what ruined this economy and isn't it better for people to be noble and poor?

Obama: Toddster I do believe that goatee has sucked the brains outta your haid!

Todd: mooooan

Obama: i know what happened - crazy banks lent money to ever whackjob biped with a name and the ability to sign - well the motherfucking party is over

Todd: [ removes party hat ]

Obama: i didn't come in here ginned up to spend $800 billion on wave pools I had hoped to blow it on the awesomest party ever

Americans: fuck yeah

Obama: calm down -- now in the future my Presidency will be all about being responsible

Americans: [ put away party favors ]

Reporter: tell us the bad news Bam

Bam: The bad news? The bad news??!! Teh bad news is that George Bush was President for 8 years

Reporter: oh

Bam: we barely averted the disaster that was his term in office and now I am in charge and that means no more free rides for obscenely wealthy well-connected idiots from the scum on top of gene pool!

Idiots: aw shit

apper: Sir we are in freefall - how can we as journalists report when your Presidency has officially failed?

Obama: Snake I will create 4 million jobs, then i will restore the credit markets, the restore the housing values, after that i will grow the economy - then finally i will reverse the spin of the earth and bring terry schiavo back to life

Tapped: [ takes notes furiously ] 'spin of earth = fail'

Stupid Ed Henry: will your fulfill pledge to pull all troops out of Afghanistan?

Obama: no i said i would increase troops there and pull them out of Iraq

Ed: oh did you I was in the bathroom in 2008

Obama: it's very sobering to sign all those letters for killed soldiers

Bush: that's why i got lickered up Bammy

[ throws shoe at tv, misses ]

shit

Obama: hey remember how wonderful 9/11 was and we remember it like it was the best fucking day ever well it turns it wasn't so great

American: [ sighs gushes over 9/11 memory ]

Cooper: will require banks to stop using free money on champagne baths and sprinking diamonds on their cereal?

Obama: all i want is for them to use the money to stop eating poor people alive

Garrett: Joe Biden said your Presidency will probably fail - is he right?

Obama: oh joe joe joe - you do realize I hired someone just bumbling enough to make me look good don't you?

Garrett: really?

Obama: plus he's funniest gentile i know

Fletcher: Did you know A-Rod was on the Juice?

Obama: It's too bad because it shows you can be a good looking biracial successful young man and still fuck up

Thomas: Bam Harry Truman once told me i hope one day a black man has access to bomb

Obama: it was always my dream too

Thomas: Pakistan

Obama: it's not acceptable to have whackos living in mountainous caves with impunity - hell with DirectTV they get more NFL games than we do!

Thomas: oh noe

Obama: I will work with Vlad to lean on the Pakistanis - cause they are waaaay crazeee

Huffington Post: Truth and Reconciliation Commision on prosecuting Stupid and Dr. Evil?

Obama: i have this crazy idea about following the law and keeping us safe - now is Mr. Potter broke the law he should be prosecuted just like George Bailey was

Potter: dagnabit

Liasson: will you fail on getting votes from Goppers from now on?

Obama: Mara like i said - all that needs to happen is for the Republican party to sit down, shut the fuck up, and pull their heads out of their goddam asses

GOP: gorp!

Obama: by the way Mara if I had brought the GOP in any earlier they would have been there when my Kenyan father had made sweet love to my white momma

Mara: oh my

Obama: oh did i mention these closeted fuckers have no credibility on anything at all???

Mara: oh poo

Obama: i'm sorry but these assholes piss me off

Obama: now this is what these fuckers do on everything - economics, global warming, flat earth, they just pretend that there is debate and trot out non-experts and it's all fucking bullshit

Mara: but but

Obama: no look I am the eternal optimist that someday the GOP will stop being obstructionist dicks but that's just the kind of happy go lucky motherfucker I am

Good night - i said 'good night fuckers!'

***********************************************

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

oh my goodness - I haven't laughed in ages as much...
shiobhan - over from Atrios

gypsy howell said...

wooo doggy. damn that's funny shit.

M. Bouffant said...

We are amused. Maybe next time for real.

Itchy Brother said...

Culture of Truth has a blog?!!!

Damn it's like having a Tivo for when I miss the liveblogging over at Eschaton.

Lalita said...

Laughed until my ribs hurt. Reposted with attribution at the AVA blog (http://valuesalliance.org).

Brilliant!

Morgan W. Brown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
atheist said...

Dood this iz awesome. Everybody says they "LOL"-ed, I actually laughed out loud.

The Intellectual Redneck said...

Why does President Obama use a 'secret press list' when taking questions at a press conference? Is he afraid of the questions he might be asked? Is this an attempt to punish news organizations that are not obsequious enough? Perhaps, both reasons are in play. No other President has used a screened list at press conferences to my knowledge. There were allegations that the Obama campaign blacklisted certain news organizations during the election. Presidential Candidate Obama kicked several longtime corespondents off his campaign plane in a move to reward news outlets he liked and punish those he did not like. Now, he is using a screened list of reporters and he has moved the "lunatic left' to the front row for press conferences. This is why he is never asked any tough questions. Reporters are afraid of the consequences. This answers the question of why no major reporter ever asked Barack Obama about his failure to produce a 'vault copy' of his birth certificate or release his college records.

Scooper said...

@Intellectual Redneck

http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd350/DJ_Novakain/HA_HA_HA_OH_WOW.jpg

Anonymous said...

My fav exchanges:

BipartisanChip: What went wrong with your failed Presidency?

Obama: it's the fault of the Atwater-Gingrich-Rove Republicans; dood I did everything I could to reach out to those lunatics and maybe someday they will stop acting like little babies and when that day comes my door will be open - until then I am the daddy and they are little kids and now it's time for Dad to go to work

Audience: oooo

------------------------

Obama: I hear Republicans say why would you weatherize a building when you throw that money out of an airplane in a foreign country

Reporter: right

-----------------
Love it!

Taterhaid

atheist said...

There were allegations that the Obama campaign blacklisted certain news organizations during the election.

Thank goodness! I thought he'd never start pushing back against those bullshit artists!

atheist said...

This answers the question of why no major reporter ever asked Barack Obama about his failure to produce a 'vault copy' of his birth certificate or release his college records.

No, that's not the reason. The reason nobody ever asks Obama about his birth certificate is because they don't want to look like a paranoid racist moron in front of the whole country.

atheist said...

My favorite part:

-----

Reporter: tell us the bad news Bam

Bam: The bad news? The bad news??!! Teh bad news is that George Bush was President for 8 years

Reporter: oh

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