Sunday, August 24, 2008

Meet The Press with Caroline Kennedy - August 24, 2008

Meet The Press
August 24, 2008
Caroline Kennedy
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi
Brokaw: Caroline we haven’t seen you since you rode a pony at the white house why come of out of hiding for Obama

Kennedy: cause he's totally awesome

Brokaw: you vetted the potential veeps

Kennedy: well we used to usual criteria - who was white, male and tall

Brokaw: of course

Kennedy: also who had never ever had sex and often wore a flag pin

Brokaw: anything substantive?

Kennedy: yes we looked for someone who liked the Pope but was pro-choice; liked the poor but wouldn't scare the corporations

Brokaw: ok so with all those choices why Biden?

Kennedy: he has never been accused of a crime and appears to love his family

Brokaw: that's unusual but what put him over the top?

Kennedy: he could find Iran on a map

Brokaw: did Uncle Teddy or any of the others icons give an opinion?

Kennedy: irish catholic baby!!

Brokaw: did you help your dad choose LBJ?

Kennedy: yes i said he was a poopyhaid

Brokaw: what did Jack say

Kennedy: i don't remember but Bobby agreed with me

Brokaw: Biden once said something not positive about Obama!

Kennedy: yes and Biden is right about everything

Brokaw: McCain says we should trust Biden

Kennedy: well he says Obama should be president

Brokaw: touché

Brokaw: are you closing the door to running for office!!!??

Kennedy: you bore me you speech-defective sycophant

Brokaw: will you be Secretary of Education

Kennedy: probably

Brokaw: say hi to to the Last Action Hero for me

Kennedy: yeah I'll tell Tiny you gave him your best

[ break ]

Brokaw: People say Obama blinked - after all Biden's a card-carrying traitor - i mean - Democrat

Pelosi: oh i beg to pleasantly differ after all Biden is very smart and experienced - what's not to like?

Brokaw: he's not an anarchist i was hoping Obama would choose one of the Weatherman or Ted Kascynski

Pelosi: Biden was bomb-thrower he once held out for a strongly worded letter to MBNA

Brokaw: everybody hates Congress

Pelosi: yes well we said would end the war, raise the minimum wage, and enforce emission standards

Brokaw: why not

Pelosi: we are totally helpless in face of teh power of Bush's popularity

Brokaw: we all know offshore drilling is a fake but the whole county is convinced it will work

Pelosi: gee i wonder how that happened

Brokaw: beats me

Pelosi: Big Oil wants it

Brokaw: all well and good to wean off fossil fuels but in the meantime lets have an immediate solution like building oil platforms offshore

Pelosi: you're as dumb as you look

Brokaw: OMG you invested in natural gas!

Pelosi: so what i believe in it?

Brokaw: but you are in a position to influence it!

Pelosi: well it's a good idea

Brokaw: i was struck that you didn't mention Al Gore's position that we should harness the power of the Sun

Pelosi: oh Al - i tell you he is annoying - i was trying to enjoy a cocktail weenie the other night and he pulled it out of my hand yelling 'do you know how many polar bears died to wrap bacon and cheese around this tiny hot dog'!!??

Brokaw: he is a tedious fucker

Brokaw: pleez divide the party and bash the nominee over vice president

Pelosi: oh fuck off Tom

Brokaw: pleeeez

Pelosi: no

Brokaw: so-called polls support Obama on the economy but as well as know they are running for the office of Commander in Chief of the America People and he fails

Pelosi: well he was right on Iraq

Brokaw: but but but the polls!

Pelosi: bring it on your cotton-mouthed South Dakotan Villager

Brokaw: As well know The Surge Was Successful

Pelosi: was it?

Brokaw: YES!!

Pelosi: are you sure

Brokaw: goddammit i have piece of paper from the RNC do you think they would lie

Pelosi: didn't they say in a blast fax that Al Gore invented the internet

Brokaw: and that was true

Pelosi: [ reaches across table, slaps Post-It Note labeled "DUMBASS" on Brokaw's forehead ]

Brokaw: [ stares up at own forehead ]

Brokaw: Speaker when does life begin?

Pelosi: if a bunch of celibate old white men in medieval times couldn't figure it out what makes us think we possibly could?

Brokaw: wow that is a good point

Pelosi: then you have the freewheelin' supreme court

Brokaw: the Church now says it’s when sperm meets egg

Pelosi: what's their position on when molestation occurs?

Brokaw: i believe at the moment of conviction

[ break ]

Brokaw: Biden!!

Ifill: fehh a 65 year old white man

Brokaw: hey!

Ifill: eh - at least he reached out to the crackers

Brokaw: i couldn't believe the v.p democratic nominee criticized the GOP nominee after all he was a POW!!

Todd: wow Brokaw you really are a D.C. fucker aren't you - that sure didn't take long

Brokaw: for non partisan perspective here's Parson Meacham

Meacham: Obama raised himself and taught himself kung fu fighting in indonesia

Brokaw: Gotcha! I though he stood for passive surrender

Brokaw: Hillary!!

Todd: the Hillary votes are concerned about issues not personality

Brokaw: but then they should support Obama - it's a no brainer

Todd: well then they are concerned about whether Obama is ready

Brokaw: hmmmm

Todd: she has to tell America this guy is ready to Command white boys and girls

Meachem: people have a hard time envisioning Obama in the White House

Brokaw: well of course he's black

Obama: he's seems foreign

Brokaw: and muslim

Ifill: and they're so knee-jerk on drilling it's very unseemly

Brokaw: who among us doesn't want to drill off new york city

Todd: McCain always wins the daily news cycle i have no idea how that happens

Brokaw: no idea here

The Chris Matthews Show - August 24, 2007

The Chris Matthews Show
August 24, 2008

Ron Allen: Obama has a problem with old white men

Katty Kay: Biden is effective and he and he does it with humor

Tweety: the Velvet Revolver!

Cynthia Cottle: he’s ‘Joey from Scranton’

Chris: ‘Joey’ i love it

Kay: he's teh Kangaroo Kandidate

Stengel: when he puts his arm around the skinny white elitist its very American

Allen: his message to racist whites is calm the fuck down i know he looks funny but Barack Obama is one of us

Kay: but most Americans see the 30-year senator as an insider

Chris: no he's like me and Tim Russert we're all just a bunch of blue-collar workers

Kay: i'm suspicious

Chris: I've never seen him at one of Sally Quinn's key parties

Stengel: i love those

Chris: how does Obama remain Britney and also maintain the ‘wow factor’ and connect with the gas prices crowd

Stengel: Let Obama be Britney!

Chris: but McCain is the rich one

Allen: no no no Obama is the elitist i got the memo this morning!!!!

Chris: [ looks down ]

I see you are correct - today's memo says he is too cerebral to lead the largest nation on earth

Allen: I'm amazed that the elitist tag has stuck

Chris: Sally is very good

Stengel: Obama is fucked - his convention will go very well which will show how he is too popular

Chris: Let's talk about Bill Clinton!!

wow they all have prime time speaking roles let's talk about Jib Jab!!

Tweety: wow she is still calling him 'my opponent'

Allen: Real hillary supporters - real people - are still angry

Kay: it's still about her

Stengel: it's obama's fault for not vetting her

Chris: yes her supporters would be mollified by a symbolic token kabuki vetting

Cottle: her supporters are furious and want a day in the sun - also for Obama to graciously step aside in Denver

Chris: and that would satisfy them

Cottle: actually no

Kay: Obama is worried about such a flood of donations it will kill the internet

Tweety: yeah McCain has a problem too he has to take ten jars of heavy pennies to the bank

Cottle: picking Biden means McCain has to choose Romney not some dumbass like Huckabee

Stengel: ‘Time’ is having some crappy debate about national service like that will solve all our problems

Tweety: i love it - something no one can object to!!

Chris: GOP VP!!??

Kay: Romney for the economy

Allen: he has to think outside the box and choose a moderate like Lieberman

Stengel: he needs to choose a disruptive choice like a non-box thinking dude

Tweety: Brilliant!

Tweety: Thank god 4 Birch Bayh and title IX so our pretty ladies and beat up the world's pretty ladies!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Barack Obama’s Announcemnt of Joe Biden as his candidate for Vice President

Obama's Introduction of Joe Biden as his Choice for Democratic Nominee for Vice President
Springfield, Illinois
August 23, 2008
Sen. Barack Obama
Sen. Joe Biden
Obama: Hellllloooooooo Springfield!!!

Obama: Are the Simpsons in teh House?!?!!!

Homer: woo-hoo!!!!!

Marge: Homey!!

Obama: Thanks Dick Durbin!

Bart: ha ha he said dick

Homer: hee hee hee

Lisa: [ rolls eyes]

Marge: Hmmmmmrrrrrrr

Obama: holy shit almost 2 years ago I said I was gonna be president and no one believed it

Crowd: yaaaaaaay

Obama: as i've traveled all across america i have realized this one truly fucked up nation

Crowd: yeah!!!

Obama: The Time for Change has come

Crowd: Wooooooooo!!!!

Obama: I've searched America for a decent capable old white man

and searched

and searched

Crowd: yay!!!

Obama: and i did not find that man -- so I finally picked Joe Biden

Crowd: whooooooooo!!!

Obama: he is uniquely suited to be my attack dog who is also acceptable to the D.C. media

Crowd: clap clap clap

Obama: Joe Biden was born in Buffalo to Tim Russert's father

this was so traumatic he developed a stutter

Crowd: [ laughs ]

Obama: then as a child he worked in the sweatshop paper mills of Dunder Mifflin

then became a single father which as we all know is a sign of elitism

and rides a train every day which as we all know is all about communism

Crowd: Yaaaaaaaaaaayyy!!

Obama: then he had brain aneurysm - let's face it, between living in Scranton, a childhood working in the Dunder Mifflin paper mill, and catholic school - the man has had it rough

Crowd: awwwwwwwwww

Obama: he looked Slobodan Milosovic in the eyes and told him he was a terrible dresser

he's met with dictators and been in war zones and he even went to Georgia and ate at the best Italian restaurant in Atlanta - the Olive Garden - that my friends is sacrifice

Crowd: yaaaaaaaaayyy!!!

Obama: He's a true statesman who has authored legislation and knows government and foreign affairs and the supreme court has met with world leaders and and done more than i have and that is why he is ready to have a job with no responsibilities whatsoever!!!

Crowd: WOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Obama: it is time for truly radical change - it is time to turn the page - it is time to rock the world - IT IS TIME FOR JOE BIDEN!!!

Crowd: [ clap clap clap ]

Obama: The Next President -- Bruce Springsteen!!!!!

Crowd: Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuceeeeee!!!!

Biden: i not only know how many houses i have i know where my feet are!!

Crowd: Yaaaayy!!!!!!

Biden: Barack is the son of a globe trotting do-gooding white woman and kenyan alcoholic muslim man -- just like me!

Crowd: Wooooo-hoooooo!!!

Biden: laddies and doods teh american dream is to grow up blue-collar and spend your life in teh senate and then run for a meaningless job under a black man half your age

Crowd: [ applause ]

Biden: i know you people are poor and hurting and bush-cheney are fucking you over

Crowd: right on!

Biden: laddies and gentlepersons let's face it there is one hell of a big Shitpile out there

Crowd: damm right!

Biden: i know you sit at the kitchen table and worry -- well John McCain has it worse than you do -- he can't decide which of his 7 tables to sit at


Biden: but the good news we got the skinny guy from Chicago with the funny name

Biden: but we will succeed by telling people the truth

Crowd: no don't do that

Biden: there are 44 senators older than me

Crowd: holy shit

Biden: the reckoning is now

Crowd: yaaaaaaaaaayy!!

Biden: i like John McCain but I'm afraid to say that John supports George Bush

Crowd: Oh noes!

Biden: hell he thinks Bush has been a good president

Crowd: noooooooooooo

Biden: he supported Stupid on Iraq

Crowd: OMG!!!!


Biden: holy shit who are these crazy people

Biden: i like Barack America


Biden: all right jeez

Biden: but i admit the guy kicked my ass in the primaries and he's got something good

Crowd: yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Biden: he's a clear eye pragmatist!!


Biden: he fought against nukes and for ethics and wounded soldiers

Crowd: preach it brother

Biden: What can I say - there is something about this guy - I sure wish i had it but i don't and frankly it's amazing

Crowd: suck it peeps!!

Biden: Obama fought in Patton's army and won eight gold medals and will raise your kids in space

Obama: Boooo-yaaaaaaah!!!!

Biden: i'm here for the white people, the blue-collar workers, the lunch bucket carriers, the mullet wearers of America!!!

Crowd: amen!

Biden: This is America's time and may Jesus Mary and Joseph protect America's troops!!!


Saturday, August 16, 2008

Olympic Opening Ceremonies - Bobblespeak Special Edition

Olympic Opening Ceremonies
Bob Costas
Matt Lauer
Costas: I tell you if you can’t see this is is amazing

Lauer: we’re not on the radio Bob

Costas: so

Lauer: so anyone listening is watching too

Costas: and now, and all-star tribute to the Cultural Revolution, starring Jet Li and Chow Yun Fat

Lauer: these little lights represent the 50 million people who starved to death under Mao.

Costas: the chinese invented the kite

Lauer: i thought that was benjamin franklin

Costas: i dont think he was chinese

Lauer: well what did he invent

Costas: i think the stove or the franklin mint

Lauer: i like mints on my pillow

Costas: hey look the people are forming the shape of refugees displaced by the three gorges dam

Lauer: you can’t say dam on tv dammit

Costas: now they are doing tai chi

Lauer: Starbucks sells that milk and sugar

Costas: the Chinese are now waving their arms for our visually impaired viewers

Lauer: I think I mr. miagyi

Costas: wax on wax off

Lauer: wow its like a big quentin tarantino movie

Costas: water is important

Lauer: i like water mixed with scotch

Costas: this may be lost on some viewers but i'm not wearing pants

Lauer: oooh karate

Costas: no that's japanese

Lauer: ok then tae kwon do

Costas: try again genius

Lauer: judo

Costas: one more

Lauer: ju jitsu?

[ hits him with a rolled up newspaper ]

Costas: even more masses of orientals doing martial arts

Lauer: I’m officially scared now

Costas: this is - as they say - vaguely threatening

Lauer: i want my mommy

Costas: this is the space version of the program

Lauer: the chinese are going to take over the moon

Costas: oh noes

Lauer: hey look a tribute to the mother ship from Close Encounters

Costas: oh goody sarah brightman

Lauer: now finally we get some real culture

Costas: now they are holding up pictures of all the chinese babies adopted by americans

Lauer: wow there are thousands of them

Costas: and that's just angelia jolie

Costas: this is china's finest moment

Lauer: that and the invention of kung pao chicken

Costas: nobody puts General Tso in a corner!

Costas: and here are the caymans

Lauer: a cayman bit my sister

Costas: leading for the Cayman Islands is ken lay

Costas: oh thank god a safe topic - here's Israel

Lauer: the japanese have an old guy who's an equestrian

Costas: that dood from Letters from Iwo Jima?

Costas: Taiwan has it's own special flag due its controversial status

Lauer: just like the confederate states had their own flag in 1996

Costas: there's an old white guy on Gambia's team

Lauer: is that john McCain?

Costas: Mayor Daley is here to get tips

Lauer: on hosting teh games?

Costas: no rigging elections

Costas: here's saint lucia

Lauer: where? i don't see her

Costas: there's Djibouti

Lauer: thanks for noticing bob, i've been working out

Costas: how will they light the flame this year?

Lauer: we all recall 1996 when they fired Muhammad Ali through the air - that was beautiful

Costas: here's lithuania

Lauer: they clearly just came from a frat party

Costas: here is niger

Lauer: [ looks down at cue card ]

Oh man that was a close one!

Costas: here's lichtenstein

Lauer: when they run into san marino they're gonna throw down

Costas: look here are the people left alive in Iraq

Lauer: Bush is applauding their survival of his brutal regime

Costas: no one loves iran

Lauer: no nukes for you!

Costas: Hungary!

Lauer: no thanks i just ate

Costas: here's the DR

Lauer: good i have a tummy ache

Costas: here's Tonga

Lauer: i love their trucks

Costas: wow wimmin in Jordan

Lauer: Be like Mike

Costas: Finland!

Lauer: the President of Finland is really hot

Costas: POFILF!

Costas: where's suriname?

Lauer: it's Lauer bob you know that

Costas: Yes, nothing says Olympic athlete like a MacDonald's supersized meal

Lauer: Latvia appears to have borrowed their uniforms from Burger King

Costas: Kazakhstan, holy fuck -- it's like a kid's birthday party meets project runway!

Costas: Here's the Czech republic, another nation McCain has never heard of

Costas: El Salvador's flag bearer was chosen through on online poll

Lauer: i was wondering what stephen colbert was doing there

Costas: Vietnam's flag bearer offered to free John McCain 40 years ago and he said no

Lauer: we've all had a guest we can't get to leave

Costas: here's the team from Fiji

Lauer: i didn't know corporations got to have teams

Costas: and here's Montenegro

Lauer: whew - another close one!

Costas: and here's the cast from 'Lost'

Lauer: i didn't know they had their own country

Costas: oh yes it's all legal

Lauer: look new zealand

Costas: why is he dressed like the Hawkmen from Flash Gordon?

Lauer: i do not know

Costas: I don't think Moldova ever got over the massacre of Dynasty

Lauer: Hu Jintao just slipped Bush 20 bucks.

Costas: folks Yao Ming just beat Matt Lauer to death with his microphone.

Chinese Organizer: yes i am speaking in Chinese then English, but your grandchildren will speak Chinese then English

Costas: Good night everyone I’m terrified

Sunday, August 10, 2008

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - August 10, 2008

This Week with George Stephanopoulos
August 10, 2008
Guest Host: Jake Tapper
Guests: Gov. Bill Richardson and Gov. Bobby Jindal

Tapper: hi in case you don't who the fuck i am - do not change your channel and watch women's dodgeball -- i'm jake tapper

Audience: hi jake

Tapper: why do you hate america, america?

Audience: booooo

Tapper: Ok Bill-o what's up with Georgia

Richardson: we should go to the Security Council and get them to tell Russia to stop it

Tapper: but they're on the Security Council and can veto that

Richardson: see what a bad idea it is??

Tapper: But isn't John McCain right about everything - shouldn't we resort to name-calling and issue empty threats for all international problems?

Richardson: or we could try negotiation and diplomacy and see if we can get friends to help us

Tapper: oh fuck friendship - that's for weenies

Richardson: sure Tappy

Tapper: omg god this is a serious crisis is it really appropriate to point out that John McCain's top policy guy took money from Georgia while discussing a crisis in Georgia??

Richardson: you're right i apologize - but Obama will bring together unlike Senator McLobbyist

Tapper: Is John Edwards’ career over??

Richardson: oh sure John McCain committed adultery and his career was pretty much destroyed

Tapper: no fair - it's different he's a Republican no one expects them be moral

Richardson: yeah I figured that out

Tapper: if we had drilled offshore 10 years ago we would reap benefits of great lower gas prices right now - isn't the energy crisis all Bill Clinton's fault??

Richardson: thank you for editorializing on behalf of the McCain campaign this morning it saves time

Tapper: you’re welcome

Tapper: what do Hillary supporters want?

Richardson: hell if I know - Hillary wants money and I'm helping her get it

Tapper: Bobby Jindal is Barack Obama an agent of the Kremlin?

Jindal: yes

Tapper: what else

Jindal: he's too young - who can trust him??

Tapper: so are you

Jindal: exactly who on earth would you trust me??

Tapper: McCain says Obama voted for a pork barrel energy bill that you also voted for

Jindal: that was a great bill - there was lots of money that saved coastlines

Tapper: so why did McCain vote against it

Jindal: he's a maverick!

Tapper: should we drill in the Arctic or not?

Jindal: hell yeah - my state is despoiled we should be the only ones to suffer??

Tapper: so McCain is wrong

Jindal: no he's embraced solar energy

Tapper: so should we put solar panels back on the white house?

Jindal: hell no that would surrender to the Heliofascist Conspiracy

Tapper: Democrats in Louisiana are racist but isn't the McCain wallowing in that shit too?

Jindal: of course - but I'm supporting McCain because i'm a loony and i resent the implication that a brown person can't be just as crazy as a white Republican

Tapper: sorry

Jindal: that’s better!

Tapper: should Obama cockpunch McCain?

Will: no Obama is haughty and pretentious and has grandeur

Tapper: seen a mirror lately George?

Cokie: he is the worst whippersnapper ever to darken my home city - what is he doing in a foreign exotic place like the set of Lost?? oh my stars!!!

[ whips out fan and pearls ]

Clarke: oh calm down cokie

Tapper: tire gauges - Torie!!

Clarke: this is ridiculous - all i know is people should inflate their tires and Obama is a silly person

Bye: there is no such thing as right or wrong -- i will simply repeat the campaign talking points

Cokie: this is horrible even Lindsay Graham undercut my best friend John McCain

Tapper: what the fuck does McCain believe anyway?

Will: McCain's charm is that he doesn't believe anything - he just reacts on instinct

Cokie: that's what we need - a true break from the Bush administration!

Cokie: no one likes self-righteousness

Tapper: seen a mirror lately Cokie??

Tapper: Edwards!!

Torie: women cheat too - but female politicians have already scarificed too much to get where they are whereas men see fooling around as a perk of the office

Will: why didn't the press report on this unknown fake non-story before?

Tapper: maybe they didn't know or care

Will: if the press had reported on that fucker FDR's wheelchair we would have been spared that damm New Deal

Bye: this is just like Larry Craig although he committed a crime

Cokie: Edwards is news because he might have been attorney general under Obama and we can't have an AG with a wandering penis

Will: Obama is too soft on Russia they are an evil empire

Tapper: but Bush was hugging Putin at the Olympics

Torie: true but Bill Richardson has a beard and is fat

Cokie: why don't we rush to Georgia's aid and send troops now??

Will: i loved the attack on the Falklands we should do that again

Cokie: Obama needs to surround himself with a white-haired respected guy like Nunn -- i just don't trust that dood

Tori: Nunn- give me a break

Tapper: does Evan Bayh provide gravitas

Cokie: i like Evan Bayh

Will: Bayh or be radical and choose Biden

Tori: yes it must be Bayh

Tapper: Bayh it is - Barack -- The DC Beltway Establishment has spoken

Obama: [watching tv at home in Hawaii]

oh well fuck all of you then

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Meet the Press with Joe Lieberman and John Kerry - August 3, 2007

Meet The Press
August 3, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Sen. John Kerry
Sen. Joe Lieberman
Brokaw: So holy Joe Saint McCain says we should have a respectful campaign but then we have an ad with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton - is that respectful?

Lieberman: oh it's definitely respectful - but if it isn't people should lie back and relax enjoy it - but we compare him to Moses which is a compliment - but if it isn't then people should get a sense of humor

Brokaw: ok that's stupid

Lieberman: but this is a very very serious the ad goes to a very specific point - which is that Obama is popular in Germany and other countries and we can't have that in an international war against terror

Brokaw: it seems like a stupid cheap mudslinging ad

Lieberman: no it has a very serious point - by having Britney Spears in it it shows that Obama is not in favor of offshore drilling!!

Kerry: they have decided they can't win on the issues so they've decided to take the low road of silly insults

Lieberman: no it's an ad that says we must elevate America's values by not electing a popular black man

Brokaw: Obama played the race card and you know it - that's what the dollar bill comment was

Kerry: no he said they are scaring the American people which McCain and Rove are doing

Lieberman: look it's obvious -- how can a man who commands crowds of 200,000 lead people?

Brokaw: but Wes Clark said being in a plane as it falls out of the sky is not a qualification for President

Kerry: well of course i disagree

Lieberman: McCain obeys the law of gravity whereas Obama floats above the earth - how can you trust him??

Brokaw: Obama flip-flopped on offshore drilling the liberal bloggers are gonna be mad!!

Kerry: it's a carefully circumcised proposal

Lieberman: ouch!

Kerry: Exxon made a trillion dollars last month

Lieberman: that's outrageous - but the point is that we are in a crisis and McCain has strength of decision -- he will rapidly make crazy-ass decisions while Obama will think about and use evidence and that will tell you what kind of President they both will be

Kerry: that's right McCain is an irrational whacko and Obama thinks carefully

Liberman: but that's American oil!!!

Obama is a bad man and i know John McCain and he is not a bigot

Kerry: high praise indeed from Holy Joe

Brokaw: Is John McCain Stupid?

Lieberman: McCain is all Male - believe me I know

Brokaw: he's lying and running an inept campaign

Lieberman: here's why I'm voting for him - he is not a partisan and he's really really old

Lieberman: he may raise taxes but he will break through partisan gridlock by running ads comparing his opponents to David Cook and Reese Witherspoon

Brokaw: admit it Frenchy the Surge worked

Kerry: no there were no surge troops until after the Anbar Awkening

Brokaw: well I will editorialize here now and disagree with you

Lieberman: John Kerry clearly hate the troops

Kerry: Maliki wants us to leave

Lieberman: no he doesn't

Brokaw: who can say?

Kerry: Obama was right about everything

Lieberman: Obama wants us to lose the war

Kerry: there's no political reconciliation

Lieberove: yes there is

Brokaw: that's right

Lieberman: Let me just say Obama doesn't care if we lose the war - also I hate mudslinging

[ break ]

Brokaw: how great was that Paris Hilton ad?

Murphy: it's incredibly stupid

Brokaw: is McCain fucked?

Murphy: no one will care about Obama's better makeup and mascara they will turn to a genuine dude like McCain

Todd: hitting Obama as a soft effete elitist is brilliant

Brokaw: no downside?

Todd: McCain wants to be Obama-lite and he isn't that

Brokaw: on noe

Todd: you can attack Obama for being ignorant and saying empty platitudes -- but that's what McCain does too!

Brokaw: so what's the lesson?

Todd: that the real election this year was between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama

Brokaw: How will Bill Clinton help Obama win?

Todd: by going to Africa

Woodruff: vice president - blah blah blah

Brokaw: Obama said he wants someone with integrity

Woodruff: well that rules out most of Washington

Brokaw: could it be Kaine?

Mitchell: yes but he once had a beard

Brokaw: just like lindsay graham

Mitchell: if Bill Clinton sticks around he overshadows Obama but if he's not around it shows disdain

Todd: choosing an elder statesman makes the candidate looks bad

Mitchell: Biden was not invited to Obama's birthday party because he hogs all the attention

Woodruff: criminy Spiro Agnew was on a ticket that won Obama could choose Ted Kascynzski and still win

Brokaw: actually it would help him carry Montana

Murphy: McCain is weak on defense so he should choose someone young and exciting like Bob Gates

Woodruff: speaking of vice president Obama flip flopped on drilling offshore

Todd: People will not give up their gas!!!

Mitchell: Alan Greenspan told me told me the unwashed masses are feeling it

Murphy: experts differ on whether drilling would bring down prices but the people love it

Brokaw: The Conventions!

Todd: Hagel and Clinton - there's a double header!

Mitchell: Lieberman can carry the jews of Florida when he speaks at the Convention

Brokaw: I’m bored give me your vice president picks

Woodruff: Bayh or Biden

Todd: Kaine or Bayh

Mitchell: Romeny

Murphy: Kaine

Woodfurff: Pawlenty or Kantor

Brokaw: oarsome

The Chris Matthews Show - August 3, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
August 3, 2008

Matthews: what should Obama do?

Robinson: bring 15 guys home from Iraq

Borger: bring black power into the white house

Klein: he can't end the war and fix the economy he must choose

Bumilller: politics is real and he must deal

Tweety: i love it!

Klein: but this is different from Bill Clinton because everyone hates Republicans

Tweety: except for you because you say liberals hate america

Klein: right i'm in the middle - i'm neither a lying fuckward or a dirty hippie

Robinson: doods the Democrats might also win the house and Senate and feel their oats

Tweety: that's a lot of power

Klein: that's a lot of red diapers

Tweety: what if it's a Dem landslide in Congress and the White House

Borger: that is very bad news for the Dems and Obama

Bumiller: Obama has to solve peace in the middle east

Klein: how could Obama allow Pakistan to have nukes and terrorists???

Tweety: will Obama pleez work with the Republicans??

Borger: yes if he is willing to compromise - after all there are two sides to every story the GOP and the truth - both are legit

Klein: GOP freak out!

Borger: people are voting for the end of gridlock

Bumiller: no they are voting for an end to the war and the Bush years

Tweety: Lieberman is campaigning for the Republicans - wow his timing is impeccable

Borger: Dems to the left of Hagel seem him as a traitor

Bumiller: he has a three-way with McCain and Graham

Klein: he’s John McCain's Zelig Miller

Tweety: wow McCain is a maverick!!

Tweety: but Nasty Mean Democrats won't work with the war hero!!

Klein: they won't like him because the only way McCain can win is lying and racism

Tweety: but he's a romantic guy and he will be one of our Great Presidents!

Bumiller: that's not the word I would use

Borger: McCain is bipartian and Obama is a terrible mean nasty liberal

Bumiller: McCain always keeps his promises

Klein: McCain is a Bull Moose

Robinson: he's got the bull down

Borger: it depends which McCain shows up the POW -good McCain or the mean-McCain

Robinson: umm, who gives a shit - it's not as if he's going to be President for gawd's sake

Tweety: true but there are 2 sides to every story - the truth and the falsehood that McCain can win

Borger: New Mexico, Nevada, Colorado will be the new battlegrounds

Tweety: who wins?

Borger: i don't know - that's the point

Robinson: the economy will decide this election

Tweety: wow good news for McCain!

Robinson: you keep telling yourself that chirpy

Klein: there's a tidal wave of young black voters!!

Tweety: oh noes a bad sample!