Olympic Opening Ceremonies
Costas: I tell you if you can’t see this is is amazing
Lauer: we’re not on the radio Bob
Lauer: so anyone listening is watching too
Costas: and now, and all-star tribute to the Cultural Revolution, starring Jet Li and Chow Yun Fat
Lauer: these little lights represent the 50 million people who starved to death under Mao.
Costas: the chinese invented the kite
Lauer: i thought that was benjamin franklin
Costas: i dont think he was chinese
Lauer: well what did he invent
Costas: i think the stove or the franklin mint
Lauer: i like mints on my pillow
Costas: hey look the people are forming the shape of refugees displaced by the three gorges dam
Lauer: you can’t say dam on tv dammit
Costas: now they are doing tai chi
Lauer: Starbucks sells that milk and sugar
Costas: the Chinese are now waving their arms for our visually impaired viewers
Lauer: I think I mr. miagyi
Costas: wax on wax off
Lauer: wow its like a big quentin tarantino movie
Costas: water is important
Lauer: i like water mixed with scotch
Costas: this may be lost on some viewers but i'm not wearing pants
Lauer: oooh karate
Costas: no that's japanese
Lauer: ok then tae kwon do
Costas: try again genius
Costas: one more
Lauer: ju jitsu?
[ hits him with a rolled up newspaper ]
Costas: even more masses of orientals doing martial arts
Lauer: I’m officially scared now
Costas: this is - as they say - vaguely threatening
Lauer: i want my mommy
Costas: this is the space version of the program
Lauer: the chinese are going to take over the moon
Costas: oh noes
Lauer: hey look a tribute to the mother ship from Close Encounters
Costas: oh goody sarah brightman
Lauer: now finally we get some real culture
Costas: now they are holding up pictures of all the chinese babies adopted by americans
Lauer: wow there are thousands of them
Costas: and that's just angelia jolie
Costas: this is china's finest moment
Lauer: that and the invention of kung pao chicken
Costas: nobody puts General Tso in a corner!
Costas: and here are the caymans
Lauer: a cayman bit my sister
Costas: leading for the Cayman Islands is ken lay
Costas: oh thank god a safe topic - here's Israel
Lauer: the japanese have an old guy who's an equestrian
Costas: that dood from Letters from Iwo Jima?
Costas: Taiwan has it's own special flag due its controversial status
Lauer: just like the confederate states had their own flag in 1996
Costas: there's an old white guy on Gambia's team
Lauer: is that john McCain?
Costas: Mayor Daley is here to get tips
Lauer: on hosting teh games?
Costas: no rigging elections
Costas: here's saint lucia
Lauer: where? i don't see her
Costas: there's Djibouti
Lauer: thanks for noticing bob, i've been working out
Costas: how will they light the flame this year?
Lauer: we all recall 1996 when they fired Muhammad Ali through the air - that was beautiful
Costas: here's lithuania
Lauer: they clearly just came from a frat party
Costas: here is niger
Lauer: [ looks down at cue card ]
Oh man that was a close one!
Costas: here's lichtenstein
Lauer: when they run into san marino they're gonna throw down
Costas: look here are the people left alive in Iraq
Lauer: Bush is applauding their survival of his brutal regime
Costas: no one loves iran
Lauer: no nukes for you!
Lauer: no thanks i just ate
Costas: here's the DR
Lauer: good i have a tummy ache
Costas: here's Tonga
Lauer: i love their trucks
Costas: wow wimmin in Jordan
Lauer: Be like Mike
Lauer: the President of Finland is really hot
Costas: where's suriname?
Lauer: it's Lauer bob you know that
Costas: Yes, nothing says Olympic athlete like a MacDonald's supersized meal
Lauer: Latvia appears to have borrowed their uniforms from Burger King
Costas: Kazakhstan, holy fuck -- it's like a kid's birthday party meets project runway!
Costas: Here's the Czech republic, another nation McCain has never heard of
Costas: El Salvador's flag bearer was chosen through on online poll
Lauer: i was wondering what stephen colbert was doing there
Costas: Vietnam's flag bearer offered to free John McCain 40 years ago and he said no
Lauer: we've all had a guest we can't get to leave
Costas: here's the team from Fiji
Lauer: i didn't know corporations got to have teams
Costas: and here's Montenegro
Lauer: whew - another close one!
Costas: and here's the cast from 'Lost'
Lauer: i didn't know they had their own country
Costas: oh yes it's all legal
Lauer: look new zealand
Costas: why is he dressed like the Hawkmen from Flash Gordon?
Lauer: i do not know
Costas: I don't think Moldova ever got over the massacre of Dynasty
Lauer: Hu Jintao just slipped Bush 20 bucks.
Costas: folks Yao Ming just beat Matt Lauer to death with his microphone.
Chinese Organizer: yes i am speaking in Chinese then English, but your grandchildren will speak Chinese then English
Costas: Good night everyone I’m terrified