Sunday, August 24, 2008

Meet The Press with Caroline Kennedy - August 24, 2008

Meet The Press
August 24, 2008
Caroline Kennedy
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi
Brokaw: Caroline we haven’t seen you since you rode a pony at the white house why come of out of hiding for Obama

Kennedy: cause he's totally awesome

Brokaw: you vetted the potential veeps

Kennedy: well we used to usual criteria - who was white, male and tall

Brokaw: of course

Kennedy: also who had never ever had sex and often wore a flag pin

Brokaw: anything substantive?

Kennedy: yes we looked for someone who liked the Pope but was pro-choice; liked the poor but wouldn't scare the corporations

Brokaw: ok so with all those choices why Biden?

Kennedy: he has never been accused of a crime and appears to love his family

Brokaw: that's unusual but what put him over the top?

Kennedy: he could find Iran on a map

Brokaw: did Uncle Teddy or any of the others icons give an opinion?

Kennedy: irish catholic baby!!

Brokaw: did you help your dad choose LBJ?

Kennedy: yes i said he was a poopyhaid

Brokaw: what did Jack say

Kennedy: i don't remember but Bobby agreed with me

Brokaw: Biden once said something not positive about Obama!

Kennedy: yes and Biden is right about everything

Brokaw: McCain says we should trust Biden

Kennedy: well he says Obama should be president

Brokaw: touché

Brokaw: are you closing the door to running for office!!!??

Kennedy: you bore me you speech-defective sycophant

Brokaw: will you be Secretary of Education

Kennedy: probably

Brokaw: say hi to to the Last Action Hero for me

Kennedy: yeah I'll tell Tiny you gave him your best

[ break ]

Brokaw: People say Obama blinked - after all Biden's a card-carrying traitor - i mean - Democrat

Pelosi: oh i beg to pleasantly differ after all Biden is very smart and experienced - what's not to like?

Brokaw: he's not an anarchist i was hoping Obama would choose one of the Weatherman or Ted Kascynski

Pelosi: Biden was bomb-thrower he once held out for a strongly worded letter to MBNA

Brokaw: everybody hates Congress

Pelosi: yes well we said would end the war, raise the minimum wage, and enforce emission standards

Brokaw: why not

Pelosi: we are totally helpless in face of teh power of Bush's popularity

Brokaw: we all know offshore drilling is a fake but the whole county is convinced it will work

Pelosi: gee i wonder how that happened

Brokaw: beats me

Pelosi: Big Oil wants it

Brokaw: all well and good to wean off fossil fuels but in the meantime lets have an immediate solution like building oil platforms offshore

Pelosi: you're as dumb as you look

Brokaw: OMG you invested in natural gas!

Pelosi: so what i believe in it?

Brokaw: but you are in a position to influence it!

Pelosi: well it's a good idea

Brokaw: i was struck that you didn't mention Al Gore's position that we should harness the power of the Sun

Pelosi: oh Al - i tell you he is annoying - i was trying to enjoy a cocktail weenie the other night and he pulled it out of my hand yelling 'do you know how many polar bears died to wrap bacon and cheese around this tiny hot dog'!!??

Brokaw: he is a tedious fucker

Brokaw: pleez divide the party and bash the nominee over vice president

Pelosi: oh fuck off Tom

Brokaw: pleeeez

Pelosi: no

Brokaw: so-called polls support Obama on the economy but as well as know they are running for the office of Commander in Chief of the America People and he fails

Pelosi: well he was right on Iraq

Brokaw: but but but the polls!

Pelosi: bring it on your cotton-mouthed South Dakotan Villager

Brokaw: As well know The Surge Was Successful

Pelosi: was it?

Brokaw: YES!!

Pelosi: are you sure

Brokaw: goddammit i have piece of paper from the RNC do you think they would lie

Pelosi: didn't they say in a blast fax that Al Gore invented the internet

Brokaw: and that was true

Pelosi: [ reaches across table, slaps Post-It Note labeled "DUMBASS" on Brokaw's forehead ]

Brokaw: [ stares up at own forehead ]

Brokaw: Speaker when does life begin?

Pelosi: if a bunch of celibate old white men in medieval times couldn't figure it out what makes us think we possibly could?

Brokaw: wow that is a good point

Pelosi: then you have the freewheelin' supreme court

Brokaw: the Church now says it’s when sperm meets egg

Pelosi: what's their position on when molestation occurs?

Brokaw: i believe at the moment of conviction

[ break ]

Brokaw: Biden!!

Ifill: fehh a 65 year old white man

Brokaw: hey!

Ifill: eh - at least he reached out to the crackers

Brokaw: i couldn't believe the v.p democratic nominee criticized the GOP nominee after all he was a POW!!

Todd: wow Brokaw you really are a D.C. fucker aren't you - that sure didn't take long

Brokaw: for non partisan perspective here's Parson Meacham

Meacham: Obama raised himself and taught himself kung fu fighting in indonesia

Brokaw: Gotcha! I though he stood for passive surrender

Brokaw: Hillary!!

Todd: the Hillary votes are concerned about issues not personality

Brokaw: but then they should support Obama - it's a no brainer

Todd: well then they are concerned about whether Obama is ready

Brokaw: hmmmm

Todd: she has to tell America this guy is ready to Command white boys and girls

Meachem: people have a hard time envisioning Obama in the White House

Brokaw: well of course he's black

Obama: he's seems foreign

Brokaw: and muslim

Ifill: and they're so knee-jerk on drilling it's very unseemly

Brokaw: who among us doesn't want to drill off new york city

Todd: McCain always wins the daily news cycle i have no idea how that happens

Brokaw: no idea here

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