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Meet The Press
August 24, 2008
Guests:
Caroline Kennedy
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi
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Brokaw: Caroline we haven’t seen you since you rode a pony at the white house why come of out of hiding for Obama
Kennedy: cause he's totally awesome
Brokaw: you vetted the potential veeps
Kennedy: well we used to usual criteria - who was white, male and tall
Brokaw: of course
Kennedy: also who had never ever had sex and often wore a flag pin
Brokaw: anything substantive?
Kennedy: yes we looked for someone who liked the Pope but was pro-choice; liked the poor but wouldn't scare the corporations
Brokaw: ok so with all those choices why Biden?
Kennedy: he has never been accused of a crime and appears to love his family
Brokaw: that's unusual but what put him over the top?
Kennedy: he could find Iran on a map
Brokaw: did Uncle Teddy or any of the others icons give an opinion?
Kennedy: irish catholic baby!!
Brokaw: did you help your dad choose LBJ?
Kennedy: yes i said he was a poopyhaid
Brokaw: what did Jack say
Kennedy: i don't remember but Bobby agreed with me
Brokaw: Biden once said something not positive about Obama!
Kennedy: yes and Biden is right about everything
Brokaw: McCain says we should trust Biden
Kennedy: well he says Obama should be president
Brokaw: touché
Brokaw: are you closing the door to running for office!!!??
Kennedy: you bore me you speech-defective sycophant
Brokaw: will you be Secretary of Education
Kennedy: probably
Brokaw: say hi to to the Last Action Hero for me
Kennedy: yeah I'll tell Tiny you gave him your best
[ break ]
Brokaw: People say Obama blinked - after all Biden's a card-carrying traitor - i mean - Democrat
Pelosi: oh i beg to pleasantly differ after all Biden is very smart and experienced - what's not to like?
Brokaw: he's not an anarchist i was hoping Obama would choose one of the Weatherman or Ted Kascynski
Pelosi: Biden was bomb-thrower he once held out for a strongly worded letter to MBNA
Brokaw: everybody hates Congress
Pelosi: yes well we said would end the war, raise the minimum wage, and enforce emission standards
Brokaw: why not
Pelosi: we are totally helpless in face of teh power of Bush's popularity
Brokaw: we all know offshore drilling is a fake but the whole county is convinced it will work
Pelosi: gee i wonder how that happened
Brokaw: beats me
Pelosi: Big Oil wants it
Brokaw: all well and good to wean off fossil fuels but in the meantime lets have an immediate solution like building oil platforms offshore
Pelosi: you're as dumb as you look
Brokaw: OMG you invested in natural gas!
Pelosi: so what i believe in it?
Brokaw: but you are in a position to influence it!
Pelosi: well it's a good idea
Brokaw: i was struck that you didn't mention Al Gore's position that we should harness the power of the Sun
Pelosi: oh Al - i tell you he is annoying - i was trying to enjoy a cocktail weenie the other night and he pulled it out of my hand yelling 'do you know how many polar bears died to wrap bacon and cheese around this tiny hot dog'!!??
Brokaw: he is a tedious fucker
Brokaw: pleez divide the party and bash the nominee over vice president
Pelosi: oh fuck off Tom
Brokaw: pleeeez
Pelosi: no
Brokaw: so-called polls support Obama on the economy but as well as know they are running for the office of Commander in Chief of the America People and he fails
Pelosi: well he was right on Iraq
Brokaw: but but but the polls!
Pelosi: bring it on your cotton-mouthed South Dakotan Villager
Brokaw: As well know The Surge Was Successful
Pelosi: was it?
Brokaw: YES!!
Pelosi: are you sure
Brokaw: goddammit i have piece of paper from the RNC do you think they would lie
Pelosi: didn't they say in a blast fax that Al Gore invented the internet
Brokaw: and that was true
Pelosi: [ reaches across table, slaps Post-It Note labeled "DUMBASS" on Brokaw's forehead ]
Brokaw: [ stares up at own forehead ]
Brokaw: Speaker when does life begin?
Pelosi: if a bunch of celibate old white men in medieval times couldn't figure it out what makes us think we possibly could?
Brokaw: wow that is a good point
Pelosi: then you have the freewheelin' supreme court
Brokaw: the Church now says it’s when sperm meets egg
Pelosi: what's their position on when molestation occurs?
Brokaw: i believe at the moment of conviction
[ break ]
Brokaw: Biden!!
Ifill: fehh a 65 year old white man
Brokaw: hey!
Ifill: eh - at least he reached out to the crackers
Brokaw: i couldn't believe the v.p democratic nominee criticized the GOP nominee after all he was a POW!!
Todd: wow Brokaw you really are a D.C. fucker aren't you - that sure didn't take long
Brokaw: for non partisan perspective here's Parson Meacham
Meacham: Obama raised himself and taught himself kung fu fighting in indonesia
Brokaw: Gotcha! I though he stood for passive surrender
Brokaw: Hillary!!
Todd: the Hillary votes are concerned about issues not personality
Brokaw: but then they should support Obama - it's a no brainer
Todd: well then they are concerned about whether Obama is ready
Brokaw: hmmmm
Todd: she has to tell America this guy is ready to Command white boys and girls
Meachem: people have a hard time envisioning Obama in the White House
Brokaw: well of course he's black
Obama: he's seems foreign
Brokaw: and muslim
Ifill: and they're so knee-jerk on drilling it's very unseemly
Brokaw: who among us doesn't want to drill off new york city
Todd: McCain always wins the daily news cycle i have no idea how that happens
Brokaw: no idea here
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