Obama's Introduction of Joe Biden as his Choice for Democratic Nominee for Vice President
August 23, 2008
Sen. Barack Obama
Sen. Joe Biden
Obama: Hellllloooooooo Springfield!!!
Obama: Are the Simpsons in teh House?!?!!!
Obama: Thanks Dick Durbin!
Bart: ha ha he said dick
Homer: hee hee hee
Lisa: [ rolls eyes]
Obama: holy shit almost 2 years ago I said I was gonna be president and no one believed it
Obama: as i've traveled all across america i have realized this one truly fucked up nation
Obama: The Time for Change has come
Obama: I've searched America for a decent capable old white man
Obama: and i did not find that man -- so I finally picked Joe Biden
Obama: he is uniquely suited to be my attack dog who is also acceptable to the D.C. media
Crowd: clap clap clap
Obama: Joe Biden was born in Buffalo to Tim Russert's father
this was so traumatic he developed a stutter
Crowd: [ laughs ]
Obama: then as a child he worked in the sweatshop paper mills of Dunder Mifflin
then became a single father which as we all know is a sign of elitism
and rides a train every day which as we all know is all about communism
Obama: then he had brain aneurysm - let's face it, between living in Scranton, a childhood working in the Dunder Mifflin paper mill, and catholic school - the man has had it rough
Obama: he looked Slobodan Milosovic in the eyes and told him he was a terrible dresser
he's met with dictators and been in war zones and he even went to Georgia and ate at the best Italian restaurant in Atlanta - the Olive Garden - that my friends is sacrifice
Obama: He's a true statesman who has authored legislation and knows government and foreign affairs and the supreme court has met with world leaders and and done more than i have and that is why he is ready to have a job with no responsibilities whatsoever!!!
Obama: it is time for truly radical change - it is time to turn the page - it is time to rock the world - IT IS TIME FOR JOE BIDEN!!!
Crowd: [ clap clap clap ]
Obama: The Next President -- Bruce Springsteen!!!!!
Biden: i not only know how many houses i have i know where my feet are!!
Biden: Barack is the son of a globe trotting do-gooding white woman and kenyan alcoholic muslim man -- just like me!
Biden: laddies and doods teh american dream is to grow up blue-collar and spend your life in teh senate and then run for a meaningless job under a black man half your age
Crowd: [ applause ]
Biden: i know you people are poor and hurting and bush-cheney are fucking you over
Crowd: right on!
Biden: laddies and gentlepersons let's face it there is one hell of a big Shitpile out there
Crowd: damm right!
Biden: i know you sit at the kitchen table and worry -- well John McCain has it worse than you do -- he can't decide which of his 7 tables to sit at
Biden: but the good news we got the skinny guy from Chicago with the funny name
Biden: but we will succeed by telling people the truth
Crowd: no don't do that
Biden: there are 44 senators older than me
Crowd: holy shit
Biden: the reckoning is now
Biden: i like John McCain but I'm afraid to say that John supports George Bush
Crowd: Oh noes!
Biden: hell he thinks Bush has been a good president
Biden: he supported Stupid on Iraq
Crowd: YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN
Biden: holy shit who are these crazy people
Biden: i like Barack America
Crowd: OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA
Biden: all right jeez
Biden: but i admit the guy kicked my ass in the primaries and he's got something good
Biden: he's a clear eye pragmatist!!
Biden: he fought against nukes and for ethics and wounded soldiers
Crowd: preach it brother
Biden: What can I say - there is something about this guy - I sure wish i had it but i don't and frankly it's amazing
Crowd: suck it peeps!!
Biden: Obama fought in Patton's army and won eight gold medals and will raise your kids in space
Biden: i'm here for the white people, the blue-collar workers, the lunch bucket carriers, the mullet wearers of America!!!
Biden: This is America's time and may Jesus Mary and Joseph protect America's troops!!!
Crowd: BIII-DENN!!!! BIIII-DENN!!! BIII-DENNN!!! BIIII-DENNN!!! BIIII-DENNN!!! BIIII-DENNN!!!