Sunday, July 27, 2008

Meet The Pres - Guest: Barack Obama - July 27, 2008

Meet The Press
July 27, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Guest: Senator Barack Obama

Brokaw: dood u r insanely cool

Obama: heh heh heh

Brokaw: u met with troops and whirrled leaders, isrealis and arabs, and kings and throngs of teutonic peeps

Obama: boy r my arms tired!

Brokaw: what did you learn?

Obama: how incredibly awesome i am

Obama: i learned i was right about Iraq and Afghanistan and that we need to kick ass in Pakistan

Brokaw: hmmmmm

Obama: Maliki is ready to finally leave the nest and move out of his parents house

Brokaw: you shot some hoops and also did some kung fu on DC journalists

Obama: people seemed to like seeing Richard Cohen getting kicked in the balls

Brokaw: McCain says you would choose failure

Obama: yeah i heard that

Brokaw: since you were right about the facts let me argue hypothetically you could have been wrong -- wouldn't you agree

Obama: that's fiction Tom

Brokaw: bear with me if Tim Russert were here he would say this too

Obama: but that's also hypothetical

Brokaw: perhaps i've said too much...

Obama: look McCain's whole foreign policy is "kill kill kill"

Brokaw: it has the merit of simplicity

Obama: speaking of hypotheticals if McCain wasn't a senile warmonger people might vote for him

Brokaw: most people believe that American troops create peace everywhere they go to kill people

Obama: that isn't true Tom Brokaw

Brokaw: but USA Toady says you were wrong about the Surge

Obama: oh we all were frumpy

Brokaw: poles say you are riskier

Obama: duh I'm young and black what did your poll say about who is better for change or hope or reform

Brokaw: [meekly] you

Obama: and who did the polls say people would vote for

Brokaw: you

Obama: dude

[puts feet up on desk ]

Brokaw: how is it possible you've never been to Afghanistan - my mother's been to Afghanistan!

Obama: I was right about Afghanistan all along man

Brokaw: well sure - but did you get Angela Merkel to commit 1 million troops cause if you didn't u r totally teh suck

Obama: i wanted to speak in Berlin to remind them that one hit song in the 80's isn't going to cut it

Brokaw: but that was so cool remember when Tom Cruise kissed Kelly McGillis

Obama: i thought that was Val Kilmer

Brokaw: could be

Obama: the war in Iraq is so unpopular that EU nations refuse to help us to the good shit like killing terrorists or ridding the world of teen pop bands

Brokaw: will you protect our American oil fields in Saudi Arabia

Obama: that might be the most imperialistic question i've ever heard on a tv show

Brokaw: that's not what my piss-boy said

Brokaw: we've spent $10 billion in Pakistan and we've got shit

Obama: right we've got to do more and build schools

Brokaw: they're doing they're best

Obama: oh bullshit they protect popular anti-american terrorists and then take our money - it's a great scam

Brokaw: wow sounds like FOX News' business plan

Brokaw: but everyone is Pakistan supports terrorists

Obama: jesus christ Tom you just made my previous point do you not realize that?

Brokaw: whut

Obama: we should go after the terrorists there

Brokaw: but that could be a conflagration

Obama: 'cause Iraq is such a peachy place

Brokaw: why haven't you solved peace in the middle east yet?

Obama: i touched them with my magic finger so i am working on the problem

Brokaw: i noticed the chair you are sitting on has turned to gold during this interview

Obama: it's a bit of problem

Brokaw: i can see

Brokaw: you never met a palestinian dead child or ate a falafel

Obama: hey i went to the holocaust museum and met all 23 people running for prime minister

Brokaw: were you just trying to get jewish votes

Obama: no not all i also was trying to get wacko christian votes

Brokaw: David Brooks and Krauthammer didn't like your speech in Berlin

Obama: what did the loonies in Bedlam say

Brokaw: but he told us all about foreign policy of the 1990s


[bursts out laughing ]

Brokaw: but David Brooks said-

Obama: [LAUGHING ]

stop it Tom, you're killing me

Brokaw: what is the Obama Doctrine?

Obama: Look i gave them tough rhetoric and it's not my fault Brooks is an illiterate navel gazing Villager

Brokaw: awwww

Brokaw: ok let's gossip about vice president and the DC conventional wisdom

Obama: i will choose someone who has integrity and independence and shares my vision of making me President

Brokaw: the rule in 1959 was choose a candidate to carry Texas

Obama: no since 1992 it's choose a good person to govern with

Brokaw: choose a southern white male jesus lover - how about Hootie and the Blowfish

Brokaw: what about Hillary Clinton

Obama: yeah yeah she's the best leader of the anti-Obama faction out there

Brokaw: The Clenis!?!

Obama: the Clenis is awesome no one can touch the Clenis

Brokaw: America will be consumed by synchronized swimming next month so when will you announce?

Obama: i will announce i am running with Muhammad Ali during the closing ceremonies

Brokaw: ooh good choice

Brokaw: why should cadillac driving black people get bailed out by hard working white people

Obama: tell it to John McCain and his rich white buddies

Brokaw: they told me to ask the question!

Obama: they are the problem!

Brokaw: i don't get it

Obama: see!

Brokaw: naw

Obama: [slaps forehead]

Obama: some buyers weren't speculating they were sold crazy loans

Brokaw: i didn't know that

Obama: plus we have to prop up the housing market

Brokaw: China is stealing our oil but on the upside traffic deaths are down

Obama: but American families are suffering and McCain opposes efficiency

Brokaw: there's no easy answer to ending traffic deaths

Obama: take away Bob Novak's drivers license

Brokaw: why do some black people see racism just because 70% of people in prison are black

Obama: gee i dunno Tom what did your busboy say

Brokaw: he doesn't speak english very well

Obama: well neither do you so you should get along well

Obama: the real problem is the legacy of past racism why are the worst neighborhoods always populated with black people

Brokaw: i thought they just liked living near liquor stores and basketball courts

Obama: no that's WASPs

Brokaw: Jesse Jackson!

Obama: Nuts!

Brokaw: will you appear three times a week with John McCain?

Obama: well i draw crowds of 100,000 and he draws 30 so on average we draw about 100,000 each

Brokaw: wha?

Obama: you get what i'm saying - I'm Bill Gates in the bar

Brokaw: still not following

Obama: ok - fuck John McCain and his pathetic begging for attention - I'm going to win this election so easy whole new states will have to be invented to they can vote against him too

Brokaw: thank very much for coming

Obama: [ FIST BUMP DUDE! ]


Sunday, July 20, 2008

Meet The Press with Al Gore - July 20, 2008

Meet the Press
July 20, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Guest: Al Gore

Tom Brokaw: since you were last on “Meet The Press” last time you won an Nobel and an Oscar and were named People's Sexiest Man Alive

Al Gore: I'm just a man doing my thing Tom

Tom Brokaw: ok you say we should like totally go green

Al Gore: ah do

Tom Brokaw: but there are critics who say this will be very tough

Al Gore: oh well let's just give up then and buy SUVs which run on endangered species

Brokaw: really??

Gore: no dumbass

Al Gore: look we can't continue our insane course -- there's no new oil, prices are skyrocketing, India and China are outbidding us, and our national security is at risk

Tom Brokaw: we all know that

Al Gore: exactamundo

Tom Brokaw: yeah but we have 2 wars, a housing crisis and my Jackson Hole home needs a new copper bathtub

Al Gore: we just spent a trillion dollars on the Iraq

Tom Brokaw: no we didn't

Al Gore: Joe Stieglitz says we did

Tom Brokaw: oh noes he haz facts!

Al Gore: enough with teh baby steps and treating the American people like they are children

Brokaw: well if the shoe fits

Al Gore: We have to be the new Greatest Generation

Tom Brokaw: but the cost and pain to the American Taxpayer!!

Al Gore: cause gasoline is free now, right Tom?

Tom Brokaw: T Bone Pickens disagrees with you he wants to harness the power of the wind

Al Gore: i love it - only the media would try to pit us against each other

Tom Brokaw: don't you hate him?

Al Gore: no he said what i said with the facts i used

Tom Brokaw: but there can only be one winner in the contest for America's Greenest Hero

Al Gore: is that another award i can win?

Tom Brokaw: it's NBC's summer game show

Tom Brokaw: so do you love Pickens?

Al Gore: hey if the man wants a car to run on natural gas he should go for it

Tom Brokaw: so Pickens is right?

Al Gore: he's a oilman he says we can't drill our way out

Tom Brokaw: he's funding Oilman Veterans for the Truth

Al Gore: let's face it he's a total dick who's hand has been forced

Tom Brokaw: please slam Bush and the Democrats in Congress

Al Gore: i am only interested in solving the problem

Tom Brokaw: please bash Hillary Clinton

Al Gore: no

Tom Brokaw: PLEEEEZ

Al Gore: [ sigh ]

Tom Brokaw: isn't it time for politicians to tell people gas costs $4.00 a gallon

Al Gore: they don't have to tell them - they know

Tom Brokaw: it's a tax!

Al Gore: no stupid it's the price of gas set by the free market

Tom Brokaw: but that's a tax

Al Gore: i don't think that words means what you think it means

Tom Brokaw: but the poor truckers!

Al Gore: look we saw the cost of silicon chips drop and that will happen with solar panels and we aren't going to run out of sand

Tom Brokaw: but if we use too much solar power we will run out of the sun

Al Gore: [ sigh ]

Tom Brokaw: will you be Vice President??

Al Gore: ha ha ha - yeah - look i only want to top job

Tom Brokaw: President?

Al Gore: no i want to be Head of the United Federation of Planets

Tom Brokaw: but there is no power like 1600 Pennsylvania Ave

Al Gore: oh yeah - try winning an Oscar believe me it opens doors

Tom Brokaw: don't you have a duty to run

Al Gore: i did that already and as you may recall i got a load of shit from the media for it

Tom Brokaw: that's why we all want you to run again

Al Gore: well you may do me the honor of fucking off

Tom Brokaw: you say politics is about nonsense - what about the young people and children??!?!?

Al Gore: bear in mind stupid i ran for office - i was only talking about the fact that Margaret Carlson and Chris Matthews are out of their fucking minds

Tom Brokaw: hey Chris is getting psychological help

Al Gore: i hope so

Tom Brokaw: let me just cut through the middleman and simply channel Rush Limbaugh

Al Gore: well that would save time asshole

Tom Brokaw: your house it too big and fat

Al Gore: your house in Jackson Hole is 30,000 square feet

Tom Brokaw: true but most of that is where i hang my meat

Gore: that’s cool

Tom Brokaw: oh c'mon can't we have little bipartisan offshore drilling

Al Gore: let California decide

Tom Brokaw: well what if Florida wants to despoil their environment to send oil to China?

Al Gore: i need a drink

Tom Brokaw: let’s talk about trivia some more

Al Gore: this ain't no fuckin’ joke, man!

Tom Brokaw: whut?

Al Gore: the 3 million year old ice cap is melting goddammitt!!

Tom Brokaw: hey, hey, there is debate in scientific community as to exactly how fat you are

Al Gore: the Pentagon, scientists the EPA and reality disagree with you

Tom Brokaw: but not Rush Limbaugh

Al Gore: as Letterman said he's a fine physical specimen

Tom Brokaw: do you hate Bill and Hillary

Al Gore: they are fine people and I have moved on

Tom Brokaw: why didn't you punch George Bush when you had the chance

Al Gore: what's the point?

Tom Brokaw: but you were in the Oval Office that was your big opportunity

Al Gore: [laughs] oh Tom you are so stupid

Tom Brokaw: Lieberman!

Al Gore: oh let's not get too riled up he just says liberals are terrorists but he protects the right to abortion

Tom Brokaw: The New Yorker!

Al Gore: I know funny and that was not funny

Tom Brokaw: you know who's funny? Rush Limbaugh!

Al Gore: yeah that Michael J Fox bit killed

[ break ]

Chuck Todd: Al Gore is an environmentalist and you know how they are

Brokaw: indeed

Todd: when McCain is elected he will have to work with Dems

David Gregory: the White House is bitter cause Al was right and shit

Tom Brokaw: let's look at McCain's ad which says Obama hates the troops

Brokaw: but then Maliki endorsed Obama

Gregory: a little waterboarding brought him in line

Todd: Obama has had the best 48 hours in the history of elections

Brokaw: so he can only go down from here - what's wrong with Obama??

Todd: Maliki even used the word timetable

Gregory: but the Surge worked!

Brokaw: maybe the economy will help McCain

Todd: sure it will

Brokaw: Veepstakes!

Todd: you can't reveal your choice during teh Olympics

Brokaw: why not

Todd: because McCain will run Romney who is Mr. Olympics and Obama will run with Michael Phelps

Brokaw: next week we will interview Barack Obama live from Hogwarts where he has just won the Quiddich tournament


The Chris Matthews Show - July 20, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
July 20, 2008

Matthews: isn't John McCain the real change guy??

Kelly O'Donnell: his new slogan is “Reform No One Believes In”

Cynthia Tucker: I miss the John McCain of 2000 but he died and now he is an agent of intolerance

Matthews: why move to the right?

Tucker: because he lost in 2000 and he must appease the lunatics in teh GOP

Fineman: he has a problem because he has to run against Bush but he agrees with Bush

Matthews: oh dear

Rather: he has to run on Fear of The Black Man

O'Donnell: oh no it won't be ‘fear’ -- they will simply point out that if Obama is elected your gay muslim children will die

Matthews: McCain should go old school and then the GOP like LBJ against Goldwater will win 49 states

Tucker: clearly all they have to do to win is point out that he is just like History's Greatest Monster

Chris: I loves the Cookie Monster

Tucker: no Jimmy Carter

Fineman: he should promise to balance the budget-but-not-really and then yell out ‘Obama is Black’!!!

O'Donnell: he should run as a POW and promise to govern from inside a tiger cage

Rather: McCain is fucked like a jackrabbit in a summer rainstorm

Tucker: Obama is black

Matthews: What?!?!?!

John McCain in 2000: Bush should be ashamed of himself

Bush: i won asshole

McCain: awww hugs all around

Bush: P0wnd as usual

Matthews: Bush wants to McCain to carry on his legacy of Crazy

Bush: we have a lurking enema

O'Donnell: McCain is more open to diplomacy

Chris: yeah he like to talk to people before bombing the shit out of them

Rather: McCain has bought into Rove cause he has the math

O'Donnell: no no no he's more like Schwarzenegger

Chris: gee what a relief the Idiot and the Muscleman

Fineman: hey Kelly McCain agrees with Bush and they need a third GOP term to cover up all their crimes

Chris: that's a good point

Kelly: leave John McCain alone!!

Tucker: Dobson doesn't like Obama

Chris: gee what a shock

Fineman: silicon valley is worried about electricity

Chris: doesn't the internets run on hamsters?

Fineman: no it doesn't chris

Chris: teh liberal bloggers hate Obama but could that help him

Kelly: u bet

Rather: but the appearance of hesitation is deadly for a young dem

Tucker: exactly

Fineman: the bloggers may vote for Ralph Nader

Chris: they’re not gruntled!


Sunday, July 13, 2008

Meet The Press - July 13, 2008

Meet The Press
July 13, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Carly Fiorina
Sen. Claire McCaskill

Tom Brokaw: welcome ladies you are smokin’ hawt!

Carly Fiorina: thank u

Claire McKaskill: you too Tom

Brokaw: Carly Phil Gramm says poor Americans are a bunch of whiners

Obama: McCain thinks you're all crazy - coming from him that's rich

McCain: i don't agree with my top economic advisor on economics

Carly Fiorina: i am here today to abjectly apologize and grovel and say hey we know Americans are hurting

Fiorina: Tom no one cares what a bunch of surrogates have to say

Brokaw: well then why the fuck are the two of you on my teevee

Fiorina: touche tom - but we're here to spin the beltway stupid

Brokaw: which is worse Al Qaeda or Recession?

Fiorina: terrorism!

Brokaw: but he now says the economy is the big issue!

Fiorina: hey he talked about it all week!

Brokaw: but the economy is a disaster

Fiorina: no one could have predicted a poor economy

Brokaw: he's a crazy flip-flopper

Fiorina: he voted against Bush tax cuts because there were no spending cuts

Brokaw: but now he supports them and there is more spending than ever

Fiorina: yes but that was then!

Brokaw: Obama flip-flopped on Iraq

Sen. McCaskill: look he's consistent he promised to pull out but he also has to pretend to listen to he handsome men in the green uniforms

Brokaw: well will he listen to them or give them orders

Sen. McCaskill: it's a goal Tom but yeah you have to careful getting in and getting out

Brokaw: why can't Obama know what the situation will be in the summer of 2010

Sen. McCaskill: the media will still be assholes i know that much

Brokaw: if you were still the CEO of HP

Fiorina: they would be broke

Brokaw: McCain's economic plan sucks

Fiorina: we will kick start this economy by not raising taxes or reenacting smoot-hawley like Obama would do

Brokaw: but we so spend so much money in Iraq

Fiorina: oh did I mention he's against the war now

Fiorina: i'm going to be snide and obnoxious now people seem to like that

Brokaw: Obama is a big spender and that's bad the media suddenly realized Democratic spending is bad!

McCaskill: he's going to raise taxes on the top 2%

Brokaw: that's everybody I know

Fiorina: me too

McCaskill: christ CEOs make 400 times what workers make and most of them are dumb

Fiorina: hey!

Brokaw: but the debt!! the deficit!!!

McCaskill: gee where have you been since 1980?

Brokaw: at my vacation home at Jackson Hole

Brokaw: how can we get the Boom Years back?

Sen. McCaskill: by electing a Dem Congress and a Dem President

Fiorina: in know math and Obama's numbers don't add up

Brokaw: but you're a girl

Fiorina: math is hard but Obama has voted to raise taxes 94 times

Brokaw: McCain's numbers don't add up either

Fiorina: did you know John McCain hated Donald Rumsfeld?

Brokaw: he also said we should stay in Iraq for 100 years

Fiorina: well we are still in Japan

Brokaw: does he stand by that?

Fiorina: why not - maybe someday Iraq will make cameras and better cars than us

Brokaw: what is his plan

Fioronia: Taxes taxes taxes and cutting taxes!

McCaskill: away with you and your skinny california tan

Brokaw: NCLB sucked but it shows that accountability is important

McCaskill: blah blah blah Tom jesus you're gullible

Brokaw: Democrats are beholden to the teachers

Sen. McCaskill: bullshit

Brokaw: you don't think teachers have too much power?

Sen. McCaskill: no - but it's clear that you do

Brokaw: no i hid my editorial statement behind unnamed people

Fiorina: oh did I mention McCain is hedging on NCLB as well

Brokaw: Quel suprise

Brokaw: will you be vice president?

Fiorina: well i would carry the failed CEO vote

Brokaw: Obama needs help with women of a certain age

McCaskill: you mean older dood

Brokaw: hey we've never had two women on the show before

McCaskill: gee i wonder why

Brokaw: well you weren't irish catholic men so i never saw you on Timmeh's short list

Brokaw: i've listen to the Generals and General Election favors Obama

Harold Ford: oh noes

Brokaw: is he leaning to the right?

Ford: shocker i support his lurch to the right

Brokaw: but he's black!

Ford: we're not all liberals you're know

Brokaw: i thought you were all panthers

Mitchell: the commenters on the liberal blogs are angry about FISA

Brokaw: wow what's your handle

Mitchell: I post under the name “Alan’s Greenspan’s Bathtub”

Brokaw: ha ha Obama got a gift from the angry black man

Ford: Obama and I are a new breed of black leader - screw Jesse

Murphy: this election will be close because it will be decided by two steelworkers from Ohio

Brokaw: speaking of that the blue collar guys do not like being called a bunch of whiners

Murphy: no but this isn’t a scandal because unlike with Jesse Jackson that wasn't the candidate speaking

Brokaw: VP??

Murphy: we need a governor from the Great Lakes like mitt romney

Mitchell: Jack Reed

Tom: who the fuck is that?

Mitchell: he has a very impressive bio

Tom: Jesse?

Mitchell: i have analyzed the black community and the fear is that he is throwing blacks under the bus in an effort to appease Hillary Clinton

Brokaw: fascinating

Mitchell: wow one woman someone somewhere said she doesn’t like Obama

Brokaw: hmmmmm

Mitchell: Obama is still calling people on the telephone assuming it isn't broadcast

Murphy: he won't pick Hillary because it isn't turning the page

Brokaw: is she very scary?

Murphy: we are terrified losing Virginia

Brokaw: Sam Nunn!!

Muhrphy: Evan Bayh!

Mitchell: Tom Ridge had an abortion so he can't be VP

Brokaw: well thank you all for overcoming your grief over Tim Russert and coming on the show

[ flashback ]

Tim Russert: you really think the Iraq war went great??

Tony Snow: look we tried our best but we're morons you can't expect anything else

Brokaw: what an elegant sexy man he was

The Chris Matthews Show - July 13, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
July 12, 2008

Chris Matthews: omg teh Rocky mountains are going to be renamed the Baracky Mountains!!!

Dan Rather: he better carry Neuvo Mexico cause the Deer Hunters hate that elitist dood

Cynthia Tucker: he stole the primaries by registering young naive messiah-believing kids

Tweety: can he win Georgia?

Tucker: the black guy can win that state

Tweety: that’s good news for Obama!

Tucker: i was talking about Bob Barr

Howard Fineman: if the election were Sunday morning McCain wins because college kids will still be drunk but the tree hungers are early risers

Matthews: while Obama was swinging in the summer of love McCain was being bayoneted

Kelly O'Donnell: most young people don't even know McCain served in the Franco-Prussian war

Tweety: he's a good old American like John Wayne

Kelly: he never talks about his POW service he just runs endless ads on TV about it

Rather: it touches Americans deep in side

O'Donnell: McCain wants to remind young people that they and their friends could be killed in his war

Tweety: that's a winner!

Fineman: McCain shows he loves america by bombing people 7,000 miles away and Obama wants to bring people together

Tweety: doesn't sound very John Wayney to me

Tweety: VP!?!

O'Donnell: Obama should go with Evan Bayh

Fineman: that's stupid

O'Donnell: but he's popular

Fineman: he is caucasian which is good

Tweety: an asian and a black guy on one ticket?!!? Cynthia what about regular white peple??

Cynthia: Blonde on Blonde is good

Tweets: give me your wisdom kelly

Kelly: taking Colorado could work!!

Rahter: nah

Tucker: nope

Fineman: he's got to win Ohio

Tweety: why Johnny Can't Read???

Fineman: he's old

Tweety: he's got to be more Big Dog and less Ron Burgundy

Rather: heh like the time i said 'Go Fuck Yourself America'

Tweety: when was that?

Rather: every night i worked for CBS news

Chris Matthews: McCain's campaign staff Arizona is being shaken up so much the Headquarters is called "Shake 'n Bake"

Howard Fineman: no one ever really leaves they just die of old age

Kelly O'Donnell: McCain is crazy - but some people like that

Tweety: is he a total loon or just eccentric?

Kelly: well let's say he's at least one solider short of a platoon

Chris Matthews: tell me a story!

Kelly O'Donnell: GOP leaders will tell Bush the convention this year will be held in Alaska

Cynthia Tucker: another angry black man can be tied to Obama

Howard Fineman: Colin Powell is desperate to be vindicated by history

Chris Matthews: omg Obama will speak at a football stadium he must be a mile high!!

Dan Rather: mimi boppo

Kelly O'Donnell: it's terrible - too much security

Cynthia Tucker: it will be a let down cause he can't give a speech

Howard Fineman: duh it's brilliant

Tweety: of course it is