Monday, December 08, 2008

Meet the Press - December 7, 2008

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December 7, 2008
Guests:
President-Elect Barack Obama
David Gregory
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Brokaw: Welcome Obama -- now tell us what really unpopular things are you going to have to do??

Obama: I'm going to do not just short term fun things but long term boring shit like bridges and repaving roads and medical records on your iPod

Brokaw: warp speed!

Obama: photon topedoes!

Brokaw: how fast and how much will it cost??

Obama: oh we are going to move fast like Usain Bolt on crack - like Michael Phelps on speed

Tom: orsome

Obama: we're gonna inject a motherfucking transfusion into America!

Brokaw: does Detroit deserve to fail

Obama: yes they suck but that's not the point we have to give them money but also spank them at the same time

Brokaw: how fast and how much will it cost??

Obama: oh we are going to move fast like Usain Bolt on crack - like Michael Phelps on speed

Tom: orsome

Obama: we're gonna inject a motherfucking transfusion into America!

Brokaw: does Detroit deserve to fail

Obama: yes they suck but that's not the point we have to give them money but also spank them at the same time

Brokaw: but pointing fingers is fun!

Obama: i have a crazy idea - maybe they can make a fuel efficient car people actually want

Brokaw: Should Jack Welch be out Car Czar?

Obama: let me answer the question this way -- Tom that is so fucking stupid only you could ask it

Brokaw: help me out here - what else can we do but put a White Man in Charge??

Obama: Tom look I like white dudes - my grandfather was a white man - but haven't white guys stolen enough tax money for one generation??

Tom: What about the current management in Detroit?

Obama: Dumbest bunch of white guys north of 14th street

Obama: I'm hoping to introduce a new ethic in businenss where the first priority is not steal everything not nailed down

Brokaw: how about taxing gasoline - get money and promote better behavior?

Obama: good idea but people have lost their jobs so it's not like the worker is whopping it up big time right now

Brokaw: but lazy americans!

Obama: should change their light bulbs

Brokaw: Mortgages!

Obama: I'm disappointed that Stupid isn't doing anything on this issue

Brokaw: he's busy doing interviews saying he's sad Sadddam Hussein attacked Pearl Harbor

Obama: well anyway I think we need to get banks and homeowners together and admit they both fucked up

Brokaw: did you call Stupid and tell him you are mad at him?

Obama: i tried but I called during "Heroes" and he hung up on me

Brokaw: what about all Americans trying to get a piece of the bailout pie

Obama: sure but first we have to put out the housing fire and reinflate the bubble!

Brokaw: so from now on no more misbehavior

Obama: right party is over - starting after the bailout

Brokaw: Please tell me you are not really going to raise taxes on middle class people making $200,000 year

Obama: i was going to cut taxes

Brokaw: that's not what i heard

Obama: i want to go to the tax rates of the '90s

Brokaw: the 1890s??

Obama: no Tom

Brokaw: dammit

Brokaw: you are engaging in class warfare

Obama: so who doens't love war

Brokaw: good point

Obama: poor people make less as America grows rich

Brokaw: Biden said paying taxes is patriotic - he can't mean that

Obama: hey it turns out greed and stealing isn't good for anyone

Brokaw: but it sure is fun!

Obama: Usury isn't really profitable

Brokaw: well that's a damm shame

Brokaw: is India in hot pursuit?

Obama: there are spicy terrorist across the border

Brokaw: kill kill!

Obama: i want to a foresighted three dimension foreign policy

Brokaw: ok dood - how many civillians are going to kill?

Obama: I'm going to write a number on this piece of paper and slip it over to you...

Brokaw: Will you appoint a Curry Czar?

Obama: well Hilllary and Susan and Joe and Jim and I don't need any help thanks

Brokaw: will you disppoint liberals by staying in Iraq please

Obama: I will wait until i am sworn in and then start to design a plan will haeve in it the beginning of a possibility of an eventual draw-down

Brokaw: ok um what

Obama: create a mechanism of ensuring that terrorism will not occur while refocusing on Afghanistan...

Brokaw: how do we win in Afghanistan

Obama: fight better battles and make peace between India and Pakistan and also make Afghanistan a nice place to live

Brokaw: oh is that all

Obama: dude only defeatists say it can't be done

Brokaw: but the killing!

Obama: we'll kill Osama

Brokaw: But we should stay forever!

Obama: oh wow you really are dumb

Brokaw: but we're white and we're here to help

Obama: uh-huh

Brokaw: Iraq Residual Force - 50,000??

Obama: Could be

Brokaw: how many

Obama: we'll leave a force of 20,000 ferrets

Brokaw: oh noes

Brokaw: will you meet with Iran?

Obama: yes but they are unacceptable so we will send them carrots and sticks

Brokaw: Iran is so mean!

Obama: sure but we have to be sensible and use our allies so dudes we can do this the easy way or the hard way

Brokaw: Russia

Obama: they are like Alaska - oil money has made the leaders there fucking crazy

Brokaw: Caroline Kennedy in the Senate?

Obama: you think I want to get involved in NY politics? Momma didn't raise no fool Tom

Brokaw: but it's fun

Obama: hey i like competent people

Brokaw: well you are different

Obama: Shineski pissed on Stupid so he will be my head of Veteran's Affairs

Tom: Holy Shit the Hawaii Axis has begun

Obama: he covered up my birth certificate so he deserves it

Tom: but he said we would need 500,000 troops in Iraq

Obama: And he was proved fucking right

Obama: Shineski pissed on Stupid so he will be my head of Veteran's Affairs

Tom: what kind of artists will you have in white house?

Obama: for a change i will celebrate science and jazz and learning and culture and poetry

Tom: motherfucker do you hate America??

Tom: have you stopped smoking

Obama: yes but i have fallen off the wagon

Tom: like when

Obama: right after this interview i'm going to get high

Tom: holy shit

Obama: suck it Tom - I'm the motherfucking President

Tom: Dancin Dave you have taking over a national institution

Gregroy: for the last few months we've had a normal person at Meet The Press - thank god our national nightmare is over

Tom: it's important for the whole nation to have a suck up dancing fool hosting this show

Gregory: you had relatively few stupid gotcha questions for Obama i was disappointed

Tom: well I'm new

David: this is a national treasure so we must ask idiotic questions and preen about how wonderful we are

Tom: try to write at least one book about how your father raised a terrific son

David: oh sure

Tom: well good luck I'm off to Montana

David: bye bye old man

Tom: warble warble

Gregroy: [ sniff ]

I'm miss that speech-impedified old doofus