Presidential Debate - October 7, 2008

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Presidential Debate
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Belmont University
Nashville, Tennessee
Candidates:
Senator Barack Obama
Senator John McCain
Host: Tom Brokaw
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Brokaw: welcome the Black Guy and the Old Guy

Audience: clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap

Brokaw: I understand McCain is still napping so Obama will go first

Audience Question: when do i get my damm bailout???

Obama: thanks to George Bush we are in teh worst financial crisis since the Great Depression

Audience: Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Obama: John McCain and George Bush thought deregulation would rain prosperity on all us - well it's raining on our haids but it's not water

Audience: oooooooh

McCain: Senator Obama thanks for finally showing up to one of my town hall debates - you little snot

Obama: uh huh

McCain: my answer to the question is energy independence, peace in the world, cutting taxes, and raising home values

Question: how do w do that?

McCain: the federal government is too big -- so the federal government should buy every American a free house

Audience: yaaaay

McCain: that little snot didn't think of this -- i thought of it all by myself

Brokaw: who would you hire as Sec. of the Treasury?

McCain: not you Tom - you fuckin’ bastard

Brokaw: testy fucker aren't you?

McCain: i would hire Obama's buddy Warren Buffet or Meg Whitman - maybe we can all get jobs on eBay - only by raising the vaues of benie babies will the US economy get back on track

Brokaw: oh ok

McCain: this whole housing crisis is the fault of Obama and his cronies in Washington DC -- ooh it makes me so mad when I think of those politicians in Washington DC

Obama: Uh in March John McCain bragged that he was big deregulator and 2 years ago I was warning that this was a problem while he was begging money from Fannie Mae

Brokaw: are we fucked??

Obama: no - but we must get people in their homes and have energy and change Washington

McCain: the economy will only get better if you elect an outsider to Washington like me - why Obama doesn't even sign my letters to NBC demanding they bring back Matlock!!

Audience: star trek! firefly!

Question: i hate both you fuckers

Obama: gee nice to talk to you too lady

Question: i don't trust politicians

Obama: and you know why - because the conservative movement wants you to hate government and mistrust politicians so they can destroy it

Audience: it's working

McCain: sure you're cynical - but you have never been exposed to my high bipartisan glow

Audience: ooh

McCain: he's never taken on his own party on anything!!

Obama: why the fuck should I??

McCain: he's a big spending liberal not endorsed by the national taxpayers union or the white people's party

Obama: asshole

McCain: this little shit voted for a billion dollars in earmarks - god it makes me sick

Brokaw: which Republican policy would support the most, entitlement reform or medicare reform or putting Reagan on Mount Rushmore?

Obama: do i get to talk?

Brokaw: fuck off darkie

McCain: my friends some of the $700 billion will end up in the hands of terrorists like al qaeda or PBS

Obama: Russian and Venezuala and Iran win everytime you take a joyride down the highway

Audience: but the wind goes through my hair when the top is down!

Ahmedinejad: my plan it is working

Obama: yeah I'm against waste - big fucking deal

Question: How about sacrifice? What would you cut like a good republican?

McCain: Everything -- all of it - freeze spending on every single thing

Brokaw: that's ridiculous

McCain: look we're not rifle shots here we're Americans

Obama: sacrifice isn't just about Republican policies - although they do seem to go hand in hand - Bush told us to go out and shop after 9/11 but i will challenge all Americans to inflate their tires and install low flush toilets

Audience: oh no!!

Brokaw: George Bush is drunk but I say the American people got drunk on emergency health care and homes for black people!

Obama: thanks again for the Republican talking points Tom

Tom: I'm not even aware I'm doing it

Obama: earmarks terrific - dammit Tom you're berating poor people while rich people have gold plated shower cutains and schoolteachers live on mac and cheese

McCain: Barack Obama is just like Herbert Hoover - why if we elect Obama we could enter a recession

Obama: oh really??

McCain: poor widdle small businesses will die because of the black man

McCain: we are in very tough economic times so I will shower the American people with money - money for children money for health care

[ throws money in the air dances around giddily ]

Brokaw: speaking of the Republican agenda - everyone agrees that we have to reform entitlements and social security

Obama: if Rush Limbaugh speaking directly into your earpiece?

Brokaw: [whispers]

no rush I don't have any oxy or tickets to borneo

Obama: John McCain is big liar

McCain: [ demented cackle ]

my friends the answer is simple our wonderful ronald Reagan… obama have never taken on… i'm not popular… my friends… medicare… we need a base closing commission and rhetoric and …records and 94 times to increase taxes or not to cut taxes look at our records.. my friends

Obama: what the fuck did that old dude just say

Question: environmental issues?!?

McCain: as you know i'm a hero and i bucked my party supporting the environment - did Obama oppose his party by voting to despoil the environment? Noooo

Obama: what the fuck

McCain: hybirds and hydrogen and battery powered flying cars and we can have SUV's running on nuclear fuel my friends

Obama: or we could act like non-crazy people and invest like when the Pentagon invented the computer

McCain: damm keyboards!

Brokaw: gentlemen obey my rules!

McCain: i'm going to bring up the 2005 energy bill and you know how voted for it - that ONE

[ points demonically ]

my friends i oppose all spending and waste and we have to drill now and look at the record Obama has approved storing nuclear fuel

Question: Senator would you like a nap?

Question: health care?!

Obama: ok you can keep you're health care and we will lower costs and then we will let anyone buy into the Congressional plan -- what McCain is not about to tell you is that he won't exclude preexisting conditions or that he will destroy employer based health care

McCain: yurp

Brokaw: your answer?

McCain: we need to do things like put health care records on eBay and have walk in clinics - what a big government bastard Obama is

McCain: why can't you go across state lines to buy health inusurance - look if we tax it 95% will have no choice but to shop around for cool cheap hyundai health care plans and that will prove us right

Obama: that's so fucking punitive

McCain: no no no no one will go without health care because parents will always give health care to their children even if they have to marry a beer heiress to do it

Brokaw: what are you promising?

McCain: look obviously employers will give their employees health care duh

Obama: my mother died fighting insurers you dick - look sure parents should get insurance but now i think we all he Gramps the marketplace will take care of everything well we all will have to get Arizona health care and before you know we will all be suffering under Joe Biden's home state's rules

McCain: i was watching ‘Wheel of Fortune’ what did he say?

Question: world peace?

McCain: I am so sick of Obama bashing america tonight when we have shed so much blood - look sure america sucks but we are still a good nation but we know Obama was wrong to oppose invading Iraq

Brokaw Sen-

McCain: my friends-

Obama: yeah I don't understand. I don't understand why the fuck we let Osama bin Laden go while we invaded the wrong country why the maniacal cheerleader over there said we'd be greeted as liberators

McCain: yaaaaaaaaay

Obama: a trillion dollars we spent while Iraq has a surplus - people we are a laughing stock and a declining empire

Brokaw: will you promise not to help poor brown people

Obama: no i will not - of course we should act if we can - if we could have stopped the Holocaust who among us would not?

McCain: my friends he's a surrender monkey

McCain: there we no weapons of mass desturction and saddam was defeated and Obama would have brought us home in defeat

Brokaw: oh noe

McCain: i told ronald reagan 300 dead marines is unacceptable but i told Bush 4,000 soldiers dead is just dandy

Brokaw: u r confusing me

McCain: Death with Honor!!!!!!!!!

Question: would you respect Pakistani borders or would you be Nixon in Cambodia?

Obama: Bush coddled and appeased the dictators in Pakistan like the big white flag waving surrender Grampy is

McCain: i was talking to Teddy Roosevelt and Obama actually said he would attack Pakistan - I can't believe he would be honest - look i'm all about diplomacy which means i would also attack them of course but i won't say so

Audience: but you just said you would attack now

McCain: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

McCain: Talk softly!!

Obama: they will either be unable to get Osama in which case they will welcome our involvement or they won't do - in which case fuck 'em

Audience: yay

Obama: he says I'm green behind the ears

McCain: yeah!

Obama: he's the idiot who sang bomb bomb bomb Iran and wants to invade North Korea!

McCain: oh i was just joking look of course - i will attack Pakistan i just won't say it out loud!!

Obama: dude you just did

Brokaw: Afghanistan?

Obama: we should do what i said for the last 5 years

McCain: of course Obama is right but he won't admit that Gen Petraeus is a hero

Brokaw: another Cold War?

McCain: Russia is outside the norms of a rich nation and he is another K and a G and B

[ Todd Palin, at home ] dood what the fuck does that spell?

McCain: hopefully with our allies we will face down Russian

Obama: hey what about estonia which needs to rebuild it's economy

Audience: what about flint Michigan??

Obama: my kung fu is so mighty i will keep you safe by seeing problems 5 years ahead of time

Audience: were you bitten by a radioactive charismatic spider

Obama: yes

Brokaw: Let me quote from Regan one more time

Obama: he was possesed by the devil

Brokaw: no regan was the girl in the Exorcist

Obama: in know who you meant

Question: what if Iran attacks Israel???

McCain: Russian and China will attack us too

American People: OMG!!!!!!

McCain: Bush has allowed the middle east to got to war and Obama is an appeaser whereas i can get the Iranians to give up a nuclear program in exchange for the privilege of meeting with me

Obama: hoo boy you want THIS lunatic to have access to the button???

Obama: did you know Iran importants oil??

Question: i know a good song about iran based on a beach boys song

Obama: ah the sophisticated American mind at work

McCain: elitist

Obama: goddam right I am

Brokaw: what don't you know and how will you learn it?

Obama: ask my wife

McCain: ha ha ha

Obama: I'm not kidding

McCain: i ask my wife for money

Obama: my mom was on food stamps but i was able to succeed and why - because America is the greatest country in the world - but we need to keep that promise for the next generation and that dream is in danger and i hope all of you have the courage to pursue the dream called America

America: [ swoons ]

McCain: my friends what I don't know is where the danger lies but there is danger is everywhere - i will bring you dark times, dreary times, tough times, sad times, difficult times, times where you will die - and that is what America is all about -- and I am asking people to reward me for a being a POW and understand in these risky times we cannot afford a skinny black muslim with a funny name thank you

Brokaw: my sentiments exactly good night