Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Senator Barack Obama
Senator John McCain
Host: Tom Brokaw
Brokaw: welcome the Black Guy and the Old Guy
Audience: clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap
Brokaw: I understand McCain is still napping so Obama will go first
Audience Question: when do i get my damm bailout???
Obama: thanks to George Bush we are in teh worst financial crisis since the Great Depression
Obama: John McCain and George Bush thought deregulation would rain prosperity on all us - well it's raining on our haids but it's not water
McCain: Senator Obama thanks for finally showing up to one of my town hall debates - you little snot
Obama: uh huh
McCain: my answer to the question is energy independence, peace in the world, cutting taxes, and raising home values
Question: how do w do that?
McCain: the federal government is too big -- so the federal government should buy every American a free house
McCain: that little snot didn't think of this -- i thought of it all by myself
Brokaw: who would you hire as Sec. of the Treasury?
McCain: not you Tom - you fuckin’ bastard
Brokaw: testy fucker aren't you?
McCain: i would hire Obama's buddy Warren Buffet or Meg Whitman - maybe we can all get jobs on eBay - only by raising the vaues of benie babies will the US economy get back on track
Brokaw: oh ok
McCain: this whole housing crisis is the fault of Obama and his cronies in Washington DC -- ooh it makes me so mad when I think of those politicians in Washington DC
Obama: Uh in March John McCain bragged that he was big deregulator and 2 years ago I was warning that this was a problem while he was begging money from Fannie Mae
Brokaw: are we fucked??
Obama: no - but we must get people in their homes and have energy and change Washington
McCain: the economy will only get better if you elect an outsider to Washington like me - why Obama doesn't even sign my letters to NBC demanding they bring back Matlock!!
Audience: star trek! firefly!
Question: i hate both you fuckers
Obama: gee nice to talk to you too lady
Question: i don't trust politicians
Obama: and you know why - because the conservative movement wants you to hate government and mistrust politicians so they can destroy it
Audience: it's working
McCain: sure you're cynical - but you have never been exposed to my high bipartisan glow
McCain: he's never taken on his own party on anything!!
Obama: why the fuck should I??
McCain: he's a big spending liberal not endorsed by the national taxpayers union or the white people's party
McCain: this little shit voted for a billion dollars in earmarks - god it makes me sick
Brokaw: which Republican policy would support the most, entitlement reform or medicare reform or putting Reagan on Mount Rushmore?
Obama: do i get to talk?
Brokaw: fuck off darkie
McCain: my friends some of the $700 billion will end up in the hands of terrorists like al qaeda or PBS
Obama: Russian and Venezuala and Iran win everytime you take a joyride down the highway
Audience: but the wind goes through my hair when the top is down!
Ahmedinejad: my plan it is working
Obama: yeah I'm against waste - big fucking deal
Question: How about sacrifice? What would you cut like a good republican?
McCain: Everything -- all of it - freeze spending on every single thing
Brokaw: that's ridiculous
McCain: look we're not rifle shots here we're Americans
Obama: sacrifice isn't just about Republican policies - although they do seem to go hand in hand - Bush told us to go out and shop after 9/11 but i will challenge all Americans to inflate their tires and install low flush toilets
Audience: oh no!!
Brokaw: George Bush is drunk but I say the American people got drunk on emergency health care and homes for black people!
Obama: thanks again for the Republican talking points Tom
Tom: I'm not even aware I'm doing it
Obama: earmarks terrific - dammit Tom you're berating poor people while rich people have gold plated shower cutains and schoolteachers live on mac and cheese
McCain: Barack Obama is just like Herbert Hoover - why if we elect Obama we could enter a recession
Obama: oh really??
McCain: poor widdle small businesses will die because of the black man
McCain: we are in very tough economic times so I will shower the American people with money - money for children money for health care
[ throws money in the air dances around giddily ]
Brokaw: speaking of the Republican agenda - everyone agrees that we have to reform entitlements and social security
Obama: if Rush Limbaugh speaking directly into your earpiece?
no rush I don't have any oxy or tickets to borneo
Obama: John McCain is big liar
McCain: [ demented cackle ]
my friends the answer is simple our wonderful ronald Reagan… obama have never taken on… i'm not popular… my friends… medicare… we need a base closing commission and rhetoric and …records and 94 times to increase taxes or not to cut taxes look at our records.. my friends
Obama: what the fuck did that old dude just say
Question: environmental issues?!?
McCain: as you know i'm a hero and i bucked my party supporting the environment - did Obama oppose his party by voting to despoil the environment? Noooo
Obama: what the fuck
McCain: hybirds and hydrogen and battery powered flying cars and we can have SUV's running on nuclear fuel my friends
Obama: or we could act like non-crazy people and invest like when the Pentagon invented the computer
McCain: damm keyboards!
Brokaw: gentlemen obey my rules!
McCain: i'm going to bring up the 2005 energy bill and you know how voted for it - that ONE
[ points demonically ]
my friends i oppose all spending and waste and we have to drill now and look at the record Obama has approved storing nuclear fuel
Question: Senator would you like a nap?
Question: health care?!
Obama: ok you can keep you're health care and we will lower costs and then we will let anyone buy into the Congressional plan -- what McCain is not about to tell you is that he won't exclude preexisting conditions or that he will destroy employer based health care
Brokaw: your answer?
McCain: we need to do things like put health care records on eBay and have walk in clinics - what a big government bastard Obama is
McCain: why can't you go across state lines to buy health inusurance - look if we tax it 95% will have no choice but to shop around for cool cheap hyundai health care plans and that will prove us right
Obama: that's so fucking punitive
McCain: no no no no one will go without health care because parents will always give health care to their children even if they have to marry a beer heiress to do it
Brokaw: what are you promising?
McCain: look obviously employers will give their employees health care duh
Obama: my mother died fighting insurers you dick - look sure parents should get insurance but now i think we all he Gramps the marketplace will take care of everything well we all will have to get Arizona health care and before you know we will all be suffering under Joe Biden's home state's rules
McCain: i was watching ‘Wheel of Fortune’ what did he say?
Question: world peace?
McCain: I am so sick of Obama bashing america tonight when we have shed so much blood - look sure america sucks but we are still a good nation but we know Obama was wrong to oppose invading Iraq
McCain: my friends-
Obama: yeah I don't understand. I don't understand why the fuck we let Osama bin Laden go while we invaded the wrong country why the maniacal cheerleader over there said we'd be greeted as liberators
Obama: a trillion dollars we spent while Iraq has a surplus - people we are a laughing stock and a declining empire
Brokaw: will you promise not to help poor brown people
Obama: no i will not - of course we should act if we can - if we could have stopped the Holocaust who among us would not?
McCain: my friends he's a surrender monkey
McCain: there we no weapons of mass desturction and saddam was defeated and Obama would have brought us home in defeat
Brokaw: oh noe
McCain: i told ronald reagan 300 dead marines is unacceptable but i told Bush 4,000 soldiers dead is just dandy
Brokaw: u r confusing me
McCain: Death with Honor!!!!!!!!!
Question: would you respect Pakistani borders or would you be Nixon in Cambodia?
Obama: Bush coddled and appeased the dictators in Pakistan like the big white flag waving surrender Grampy is
McCain: i was talking to Teddy Roosevelt and Obama actually said he would attack Pakistan - I can't believe he would be honest - look i'm all about diplomacy which means i would also attack them of course but i won't say so
Audience: but you just said you would attack now
McCain: Talk softly!!
Obama: they will either be unable to get Osama in which case they will welcome our involvement or they won't do - in which case fuck 'em
Obama: he says I'm green behind the ears
Obama: he's the idiot who sang bomb bomb bomb Iran and wants to invade North Korea!
McCain: oh i was just joking look of course - i will attack Pakistan i just won't say it out loud!!
Obama: dude you just did
Obama: we should do what i said for the last 5 years
McCain: of course Obama is right but he won't admit that Gen Petraeus is a hero
Brokaw: another Cold War?
McCain: Russia is outside the norms of a rich nation and he is another K and a G and B
[ Todd Palin, at home ] dood what the fuck does that spell?
McCain: hopefully with our allies we will face down Russian
Obama: hey what about estonia which needs to rebuild it's economy
Audience: what about flint Michigan??
Obama: my kung fu is so mighty i will keep you safe by seeing problems 5 years ahead of time
Audience: were you bitten by a radioactive charismatic spider
Brokaw: Let me quote from Regan one more time
Obama: he was possesed by the devil
Brokaw: no regan was the girl in the Exorcist
Obama: in know who you meant
Question: what if Iran attacks Israel???
McCain: Russian and China will attack us too
American People: OMG!!!!!!
McCain: Bush has allowed the middle east to got to war and Obama is an appeaser whereas i can get the Iranians to give up a nuclear program in exchange for the privilege of meeting with me
Obama: hoo boy you want THIS lunatic to have access to the button???
Obama: did you know Iran importants oil??
Question: i know a good song about iran based on a beach boys song
Obama: ah the sophisticated American mind at work
Obama: goddam right I am
Brokaw: what don't you know and how will you learn it?
Obama: ask my wife
McCain: ha ha ha
Obama: I'm not kidding
McCain: i ask my wife for money
Obama: my mom was on food stamps but i was able to succeed and why - because America is the greatest country in the world - but we need to keep that promise for the next generation and that dream is in danger and i hope all of you have the courage to pursue the dream called America
America: [ swoons ]
McCain: my friends what I don't know is where the danger lies but there is danger is everywhere - i will bring you dark times, dreary times, tough times, sad times, difficult times, times where you will die - and that is what America is all about -- and I am asking people to reward me for a being a POW and understand in these risky times we cannot afford a skinny black muslim with a funny name thank you
Brokaw: my sentiments exactly good night