Sunday, December 30, 2007

Meet The Press - December 29, 2007 - Huckabee and Obama

Meet The Press
December 29, 2007
Gov. Mike Huckabee
Sen. Barack Obama

Russert: people don’t like you anymore - why?

Huckabee: i have no idea

Russert: maybe they learned what you're all about

Huckabee: there are relentless attacks on me

Russert: has Mitt Romney lied about you?

Huckabee: hundreds of lies - for example i don't love meth users, illegal aliens, increased spending, bad roads or Satan

Russert: the NYT agreed with you

Huck: so did Trucker's Magazine!

Russert: but the CATO institute legitimately criticized you for raising taxes

Huckabee: no that wasn't raising taxes because it helped children

Russert: oh that makes sense

Huckabee: Bill Clinton was evil so i had to raise taxes

Russert: how many interns had sex with you

Huckabee: none!

Russert: wow you are good

Russert: should Pakistan postpone the elections?

Huckabee: how the fuck should i know i'm the governor of arkansas

Russert: will you bomb Pakistan

Huckabee: we don't need to ask Pakistan permission for bomb - you know people are always attacking me for how sophisticated i am

Russert: but you will destabilize Musharraf and al Qaeda will take over their nukes

Huckabee: yeah but not on purpose

Russert: but is worth it to hand nukes to teh Taliban to bomb some dood on dialysis

Huckster: yes because my job is to protect america from skyscrapers falling down

Russert: clearly after Bhutto's assassination you came across a moron

Huckabee: hey i memorized factoids - Pakistan has 164 million muslims

Russet: shiite or sunnis?

Huckabee: uh, the second one?

Russert: good one - but you were wrong about Pakistanis sneaking into the USA

Russet: yeah but they could still sneak in with a dirty suitcase or shoulder fired gun

Russert: how is bush arrogant?

Huckabee: they ignored military experts in invading Iraq

Russert: that's all?

Huckabee: Bushies always talking about with us or against us 100% well that's just going alienate nations unnecessarily just like when you are dealing with people

Russert: interesting

Huckabee: Romney bashed me for saying that but he also attacked Bush - what a fuckwit that flip-flopping jackass is

Russert: but if you criticize bush don't you hate America?

Huckabee: no i was with him on the Surge which is all that counts

Russert: what do you think of Mitt Romney?

Huckabee: he's dishonest, dishonorable and he's attacked me and my personal hero, John McCain

Russert: wow there’s an endorsement

Huckabee: Mitt is a pro abortion, anti gun, anti fetus, fantazising, lying, shape shifting robot

Russert: you said you don't hate illegal children but now you want to send them back to Ecudaor

Huckabee: citizenship is all very nice but kids who are US citizens should go back to their home countries and go to the back of line and we should then modernize that line

Russert: you want to send them home!

Huckabee: no i want them to GO home

Russert: but you sais it would collapse the USA economy!

Huckabee: well not all on the same day we could send them back over a period of week or two

Russert: you're a fundie preacher you said Jesus Christ wants you to run second in Iowa

Huckabee: i love to celebrate the bris of christ

Russert: you want to turn this to a Nation of Christ

Huckabee: yeah but i said that to a group of Christians Tim

Russert: do you hate non-christians

Huckabee: look i never took down the capitol dome and replaced it with a steeple

Russert: how enlightened of u

Huckster: that’s me

Russert: you comes across a narrow minded intolerant fuckwit

Huckabee: I just object to officially endorsed pedophilia or gayness

Russert: what the fuck are you talking about

Huckabee: i love it when a man and woman have penis-vagina sex

Russert: how interesting

Huckabee: why do these homosexuals keep sucking cock?

Russert: you would ban all abortions!

Huckabee: you bet

Russert: that's imposing your faith

Huckabee: no it's because life begins at conception I respect zygotes like when we rescue boy scouts who get lost

Russert: put women in prison for abortion?

Huckabee: oh no women are too dumb to make that decision

Russert: put doctors in jail?

Huckabee: oh yes unlike women doctors are smart and evil for doing abortions

Russert: what if the doctor was a woman?

Huckabee: ha ha what a crazy idea

** Obama **

Russert: you've slipped into 3d place

Obama: we'll see won't we

Russert: but you could lose

Obama: people want change

Russert: Postpone Pakistani elections?

Obama: slightly delay them to make them more legitimate but not postponed indefinitely - but it's also about a free press and judiciary and need to have a legit government

Russert: did Musharraf protect her enough?

Obama: how the fuck should i know - the point is he's a fucker who won't go after terrorists or support democracy

Russert: but Bush liked him!

Obama: yeah of course he did

Russert: did Hillary Clinton's vote for Iraq war create Bhutto's death?

Obama: no but the media has decided that Bhutto being killed helps Clinton because of her great experience which - forgive me for offending Fred Hiatt and the Washington Post - but that is bullshit

Russert: you used the s-word!

Obama: fuck you fathead

Russert: you don't have enough experience

Obama: says who, you?

Russert: Bill Clinton on Charlie Rose he says we're rolling the dice!

Obama: the real gamble is to elect Richard Mellon Scaife's evil nemesis all over again - btw way she has no judgment and is a triangulating fuckwit

Russert: but you're too young, you skinny handsome dood

Obama: why wait - we've been governed by a bunch of experienced dickwads for 7 years

Russert: but bill clinton says you're too young

Obama: sure he defends his wife hey i have more experience than he did in 1992

Russert: you say Hillary is a broken system lady

Obama: that's right she's hip-deep in all this DC shit - in fact she campaigns on it - well it's an evil system

Russert: but you might employ a lobbyist oh noes!

Obama: Ron Paul was right - you are an idiot

Russert: we know all the dirt on hillary but what about you - what's something bad about you?

Obama: i've been vetted too - guess who by - the fucking Clinton machine who went back to my elementary school to find out what crayons i used

Russert: so who vouches for u

Obama: david books

Russert: i look at you and i seek a cocaine-taking black man

Obama: yeah but that's cool - the suburban kids today love rap music and the image of safe danger i represent

Russert: you say you cover everyone under your plan which isn't true

Obama: we can cut costs, insure almost everyone, and try to get people to sign up

Russert: Quasi-mandate oh noes!!

Obama: a true mandate is fake and useless

Russert: you're wife said she's not running with you again

Obama: hey i'm still paying off my student loans

Russert: ha ha ha

The Chris Matthews Show - December 29, 2007

The Chris Matthews Show
December 29, 2007

Matthews: Hillary likes to pretend she's likeable by hanging out with her daughter but no one believes it

Norris: she has experience but no judgment

Matthews: what do you say joe klein?

Klein: it's going to be sunny on thursday

Matthews: are you on drugs sleepy?

Klein: i have no fucking idea what's going on

Matthews: yeah i know

Klein: Hillary's the best but Richard Mellon Scaife doesn't like her so we can’t support her

Andrea: look at gary hart he was youthful but mondale was better because he had been emasculated

Klein: iowans are solid decent people

Matthews: they must have hated you

Klein: Obama's a change guy

Norris: i flicked my lighter at Obama's rock concert

Fineman: Obama's too intellectual - where's the passion?

Matthews: but a passionate black man scares me

Fineman: teh sun helps Obama because black people have more melanin

Mitchell: Bhutto getting killed helps Hillary because she's knows the now-dead non-leader of Pakistan very well

Matthews: that makes sense

Mitchell: when she was assassinated Obama was hesitant but Hillary exhibited vaginatas

Matthews: what's that?

Mitchell: gravitas for women

Klein: if Obama doesn't win he's going sleep in my living room for 4 years

Matthews: lucky you - he's hawt!

Klein: Edwards is angry

Matthews: oooh, scary

Klein: but guess what alot of people are angry for good reason

Matthews; yeah no donuts this morning and my irish coffee this morning was weak

Matthews: what's with all the varmint-killing with presidential candidates?

Fineman: hey america is all about killing -- we're cowboys with an massive insecure streak

Matthews: why are you looking at me?

Klein: yur the poster child for Brokeback Pundits dood

Matthews: ha!

Matthews: i fluffed john mcCain this week

McCain: i will win NH

Fienman: once again i underestimated McCain and the love affair we have with him

Matthews: is it the grit or the sex appeal?

Fineman: it's teh honesty and surge

Matthews: in my pants!

Klein: romney wins NH and maybe iowa

Matthews: u luv romney

Klein: no I think he's the most reprehensible candidate ever

Matthews: but with nice shoulders

Matthews: a brokered convention can Maverick McCain win!!??

Fineman: that's stupid

Andrea: it depends who the Dem is

Klein: John McCain is the most normal dude in the race

Matthews: i like colin powell

Norris: this time the candidates want to be civil unlike mean Howard Dean - so no screaming

Fineman: Youtube will televise the caucus

Matthews: geraldo - ha!

Mitchell: Rice will go to Pyongyang and play the piano with Phil Harmonic

Matthews: i love that guy!

Klein: afghanistan is important

Matthews: Predictions for 2008!

Norris: 3rd party candidate for presnit!

Fibneman: Chelsea and George P Bush getting in politics

Matthews: he's hawt

Klein: we'll catch Osama

Matthews: really?

Klein: maybe - he's not useful for the GOP anymore

Sunday, December 23, 2007


Meet The Press
December 23, 3007
Guest: Rep. Ron Paul

Russert: do you want to get rid of teh income tax and IRS?

Ron Paul: oh yeah!!

Russert: what about the lost money?

Ron Paul: highwayman fees!

Russert: but that's stupid

Ron Paul: then cut spending

Russert: but that's a trillion dollars

Ron Paul: we should stop being the world's policeman man!

Russert: if you had a 30% sales tax that would kill poor pople

Ron Paul: ok then i'm against it

Russert: so how do we save money

Ron Paul: pull out of korea

Russert: how much would that save

Ron Paul: i don't know - like a lot dood

Russert: how many troops can we pull out of europe and asia

Ron Paul: i dunno

Russert: 500,000

Paul: really, wow!

Russert: what happens when north korea invades south korea?

Ron Paul: beats me

Russert: but what will you do when Iran invades Israel??

Ron Paul: Timmy that's not going to happen - Israel has 300 nukes for pete's sake

Russert: do you think Israel has influence on US foreign policy - oh noes!

Paul: yes i do dumbass

Russert: would really cut off aid to Israel?

Paul: of course but the arabs too - let 'em fight it out and put it on pay per view

Russert: how have we provoked Al Qaeda???

Ron Paul: do what Bush says - real their own statements -- we had troops in Saudi Arabia which is their holy land and we overthrew the Iran government and bombed Iraq

Russert: wow you're defending Al qaeda you say the problem is us and not them

Paul: we're stepping in a snake pit do you blame the snake and keep standing in the snake pit??

Russert: but the islamofascists!!!!

Paul: oh please

Russert: you're making moral equiavalency with islamists and white americans!!!

Ron Paul: have you met dick cheney that dood is crazy

Russert: i have information that right after 9/11 you were not waving a flag 24 hours a day - that seems subversive

Ron Paul: well dude of course i care about mass murder but my reaction was yes we are going to lose our freedoms

Russert: but you said that after 9/11 when we were all about loving the USA

Paul: but i was right!!

Russert: good point

Russert: you want to abolish the FBI and all public schools!

Ron Paul: we have to save money we're going bankrupt

Russert: but the FBI loves america

Ron Paul: they spied on martin luther king

Russert: but only because he was associating with subversives like George Romney and he was marching with ten year kids like little Mitty

Russert: dood you are up to your ears in pork barrel spending

Paul: I accept it but I would like to get rid of it

Russert: you're like saying you were for it and not against it

Paul: oh you silly journalist

Russert: so stop taking earmarks

Paul: that's silly i take tax credits and social security because it's there

Russert: you should refuse them

Paul: Tim by your standards no one could ever advocate for a change while obeying the law

Russert: i never thought of that

Paul: that's because you're an idiot

Russert: you're now against immigration

Paul: yeah but they’re taking all our free stuff and since 9/11 they might be murderers

Russert: you say you like people to follow the Constitution and yet you want to amend it!!

Paul: you really a moron aren't you?

Russert: people tell me that - but i have a house in Nantucket so i doubt it

Paul: drugs should be legal i mean who cares alcohol kills more people anyway

Russert: yeah but drinks have cool names like Tom Collins or Sex on the Beach

Paul: i'm a doctor i've seen the deaths it causes

Russert: you don't want black americans to eat at lunch counters???

Paul: property rights dood why should i let people i don't like in my restaurant!!?

Russert: sounds racist

Paul: it's out of control - smokers rights!!

Russert: do you hate blacks?

Paul: no i get more support from blacks that any other Republican

Russert: that's like being best player on the Miami Dolphins

Russert: you don't even like Abe Lincoln!!!

Paul: that's right that civil war was a tremendous waste

Russert: but we'd still have slavery

Paul: in 2007 - don't be ridiculous

Russert: why are you running as Republican??

Paul: hey i'm like that icon of Bob Taft you gotta cut spending unlike that traitor Ronald Reagan

Russert: will you run as an independent?

Paul: i have no plans to do so

Russert: that's a lot of wiggle room

Paul: i know dood

Russert: you said Mike Huckabee reminded you of Sinclair Lewis saying when fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag carrying a cross

Paul: yes i did

Russert: what does that mean?

Paul: what, fascism?

Russert: r u calling Cuddly Mike a fascist?

Paul: no im saying corporations owning the government plus people always demanding flag waving support for military action is soft fascism

Russert: well my bosses at General Electric think you're crazy

The Chris Matthews Show - December 23, 2007

The Chris Matthews Show
December 23, 2007

Matthews: Best Move of 2007!

Katty: Obama peaks just before iowa caucus

Rather: Rudy 9/11

Matthews: i agree!

Norah: women hate Hillary

Sully: Ron Paul rulez he's teh real conservative!!!!

Tweety: Worst move!!!?

Rather: Edwards - he's too angry!!!

Norah: Fred Thompson forgetting to have any ideas

Matthews: so sad

Sully: Democrats could have been a real 5th column and ended the war

Katty: GOP lost all hispanics for years

Tweety: Most Ballsy Move!!!

Katty: Rudy takes phone call in speech so dumb

Rather: Romney saying "varmints" that frog won't fly

Norah: Obama is stinky i love empty gossip like that

Tweety: she's martha mitchell!!!

Sully: Mitt is stupid and Michelle is a force of black female nature

Matthews: Foot in Mouth award!!

Kay: Hillary had the worst moment talking about drivers' licenses

Sully: agreeed it has killed her campaign

Norah: Craig is still in teh senate - it shows how tolerant the GOP is now

Rather: Gonzalez is evil

Tweety: strange bedfellows

Kay: what the fuck is with teh GOP nominating a gay friendly abortionist

O'Donell: the Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are cousins story

Tweety: i'm replacing you with a ficus

Tweety: Jarring Moment!

Rather: ann coulter's admits she is an anti semite althohgh she wishes she could take it back

Sully: no i disagree it's when she attacked gays

Katty: dan she doesn't want to take it back

Sully: that's right and she didn't you're naïve

Norah: hah ha funniest moment Kucinich said he was beamed aboard a spaceship and had sex with a six foot red headed alien!!

Tweety: there's a difference betwen saying you saw something in teh sky you couldn't identify and you saw a UFO -- that implies you believe in intelligent life in teh universe

Kay: looking at you tweety i doubt it myself

Matthews: Zinger of teh Year!

O'Donnell: Hillary attacking evil men was so spontaneous and reminding us of Bill Clinton having sex with monica ha ha ha ha

Sully: she has a devilish cackle!!


Sully: when Obama zapped her by saying he was looking forward to having her advise him it was as brilliant as the time Reagan quoted a line from one of his movies

Matthews: i loved that plagiarising senile bastard

Matthews: Best Year of 2007?

Sully: bob gates has won teh war for us

Rather: al gore and petreaus he had great PR whether is lasts or not

O'Donnell: yes the general even if he fails it's a sweet story - USA!! USA!!

Kay: al gore you dumbass

Matthews: Worst Year in 07!!

Katty, Rather: Baseball

Tweety: roger clemens is still hawt

O'Donnell: Nifong poor white boyz!

Sully: briteny spears

Tweety: hey she's the responsible one!!

Biggest Event in 2007 ?!?!?!

Kay: decline in the dollar yur killing me

Rather: sub prime crisis remember this is the tip of iceberg which is rapidly melting by the way

Sully: America lost it's soul in 2007 but we did gain the suburbs of Iraq

Tweety: aren't the "The Left are all Traitors" guy?

Sully: hey my soul was lost years ago peckerhaid

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Meet The Press - December 15, 2007

Meet The Press
December 15, 2007
Guest: Gov. Mitt Romney

Russert: you said freedom requires religion - are you fucking nuts?

Romney: i was paraphrasing john adams and george washington who said that morality is good

Russert: you must be religious to have feerdom

Romney: we must put all politicians to a religious test

Russert: what kind?

Romney: a Divine Creator should be recognized by the Government and this should be taught in school otherwise how will we know what is right or wrong??

Russert: i dunno

Romney: america is a unique nation in that it stands for the idea that should be no separation between church and state

Russert: so atheists can't be me moral?

Romney: i don’t believe that

Russert: so you lied

Romney: yes

Russert: so do you hate atheists or do you only hate muslims

Romney: just muslims

Russert: what about your religion

Romney: i am a Generic Person of Faith

Russert: awesome

Russert: you asked permission from the Mormon church to run for President

Romney: no i decided to run all by myself

Russert: not your family?

Romney: oh those people too

Russert: so why run?

Romney: because of the enormous threat of jihad I decided it was time for someone with no experience to be president

Russert: you accept support of people who call you a cultist and a maniac

Romney: religions are like businesses they are competing for souls but in the end we believe about having a Generic Person of Faith

Russert: but you a Person of Cult

Romney: yeah but i'm for lower taxes - so who cares about who leads what Cult?

Russert: he says you're a fake religious nut and not a real xian!!

Romney: but our values are the same - the important thing is that we hate Muslims!

Russert: you think jews are a Cult?

Romney: well i wouldn't say it out loud but Bob Jones probably would and that's his right

Romney: i love jesus christ!!!

Russert: how nice

Romney: we should have diversity as long as we ban blacks, women, jews, atheists and muslims

Russert: in 1978 mormons discovered black men weren't evil!!

Romney: don't you bash the faith of my fathers tim - after all you wrote that stupid book about your dad and my Dad marched with Martin Luther King while your pop was shoveling snow for the fucking buffalo bills

Russert: hey OJ Simpson was black i love him

Romney: he's your hero good luck with that

Russert: you are the Ultimate Flip Flopper

Romney [on tape]: i will never waiver on the issue of protecting a woman's right to choose!!

Russert: no you want to seize the uteruses of america

Romney: well you see there's um government and stuff and then i was a governor and we had a bill to create embryo farming which would create miles and miles of fetus farms

Russert: so you changed your mind

Romney: yes after that i wanted to preserve the little zygotes

Russert: but you didn't try to change the laws

Romney: no but i did try to stop women from having sex

Russert: which is really the point

Romney: precisely

Russert: put women in prison for abortions?

Romney: leave it up to the states

Russert: so ok for some states to be Wire Hanger States

Romney: i don't give a shit

Russert: what about the doctors?

Romney: 2 year prison term and a harshly worded letter in his permanent record

Russert: yur a flipper on stem cells too

Romney: there's a difference between what should be legal and federally funded

Russert: explain it to me

Romney: private labs could destroy all the embryos they want

Russert: but you think life begins at conception

Romney: oh yes!!

Russert: so murder is ok as long as it not paid for with taxes

Romney: right

Russert: but if federal funds were used we could cure many diseases

Romney: we should adopt the snowflake babies and implant them in our handmaids

Russert: where will the come from

Romney: illegal mexican women

Russert: Snowflake Sanctuary Cities?

Romney: right

Russert: you flipped on guns

Romney: no i never changed - for example i hate assault weapons

Russert: oooh, NRA will not like that

Romney: i will sign non-existent bills

Russert: brady bill?

Romney: I support a background check to prevent the crazies from buying guns

Russert: but if we prevent crazies from having guns only crazies will want guns

Russert: you flipped on illegal immigrants too!

Romney: not fair - i said i have no position at all on the issue how can you call me a fence straddler?

Russert: because you want it both ways

Romney: no we should allow illegals to apply for citizenship but not a pathway to do it

Russert: huh

Romney: they should allowed to complete the paperwork and then sent home

Russert: i'm super confused

Romney: we should separate families

Russert: how sweet

Russert: you hired illegal aliens at your pink house!

Romney: no way i would never have a pink house

Russert: but you hired illegal workers

Romney: just to mow the lawn

Russert: you should have checked

Romney: just because they have an accent why Timmy you racist!

Russert: should we have mandatory prison term for people who hire illegals?

Romney: that's a bit excessive

Russert: but we must rid ourselves of all the mexicans!!

Romney: oh let's just have the Death Penalty then

Russert: good idea!

Russert: you raised fees on the blind

Romney: sure it's brilliant - they can't see the tax form

Russert: you're fifi hee hee

Romney: yes but if it's spread around it feels like a tax we targeted the bad people

Russert: a fee is not a tax?

Romney: not in my world

Russert: ok let's cut to the chase you ran in a Massachusetts as a liberal and now you run a Reagan Lover

Romney: not fair i was built in a lab at MIT and my programming was done by liberals and in 2005 my program was completely rewritten by some technies at Pepperdine

Russert: you said you would be better on gay rights than Ted Kennedy!!

Romney: don't you want a computer who learns from its mistakes when Stephen Falken wrote my program it was major breakthrough!!

Russert: gay rights, abortion, health insurance... you want in your state but not in the nation???

Romney: but there are differences between states for example people hardly ever get sick in Texas but in Massachusetts its pretty bad

Russert: so why run for President?

Romney: to cut fees on overtaxed hedge funds

Russert: will you flip flop again when you are president

Romney: i may be rewired again

Russert: huckabee says bush is an arrogant idiot

Romney: that's insulting he should apologize

Russert: but you said Iraq is a fucking mess

Romney: what does that have to do with criticizing our Dear Leader?

The Chris Matthew Show - December 15, 2007

The Chris Matthew Show
December 15, 2007

Matthews: Obama will win Iowa!

Rather: no Edwards will

Kay: dem voters are very excited about Edwards he’s populist

Matthews: iowans don't like nasty like hillary

Kay: but they really want to win so they like it when hillary is tough

Tweety: she's ticklish, tight and desperate

O'Donnell: she's stopped smiling and she's annoyed at the uppity black man

Matthews: she sicced mark penn on Barack

O'Donnell: she's in meltdown

Sullivan: she's incompetent and if she has to fight she's loses it

Tweety: maybe it's her time of the month

Rather: we tend to fixate on teh inbred crackers in iowa what about the alligators in florida??

Penn: who, me bring up cocaine? i would never talk about cocaine hillary hates to talk about cocaine!

Kay: that fat disgusting man is repulsive

Sullivan: Clinton was a liar about drug use and Hillary is a racist

O'Donnell: my name is Norah O'Donnell and i am the dumbest person on teevee

Rather: damm Obama classy when he testifies

Sullivan: those fucking 5th columnists are dividing this nation!

Tweety: why do white women hate hillary?

Sullivan: she is so nasty - like i want my candidates to be

Tweety: so you were wrong?

Sullivan: so i am consistent and at least i don't hate america

Kay: it's simple you dumbasses male = tough; female = shrill

O'Donnell: hillary cannot possibly win if she loses iowa on the hand i think she can win it all because she has volunteers in other states but then again Obama has a lot of money

Tweety: i have houseplants smarter than you

Tweety: this reminds me of a movie where i get to smear hillary with a cheap sexist gender and generation stereotype - Ha!!!

Tweety: ha ha ha -- this is just like the movie "Election" ha ha Barack Obama is the big black man on campus ha!

Kay: congrats tweety - you're sexist, racist, ageist, and shallow

Matthews: ha! I love it!

Tweety: omg!! Huckabee is a religious hate-filled ignorant whack-job!!!!

Sully: you mean provenance not providence

Tweety: whatever

Sullly: he went to bible college and speaks their own....umm…

Tweety: idiom?

Sully: right

Kay: he sold the tires on his house to buy a dishwasher

Kay: this election is going to about the economy

Rather: hillary will fire that fat asshole mark penn

O'Donnell: oooh jenna may get married in the white house or maybe not

Matthews: you're a true idiot aren't you?

Sullivan: the GOP party will panic and turn to john mccain

Matthews: so he wins new hampshire

Sully: no

Matthews: smarter guests pleeze!

Matthews: who do the others want to run against?

Rather: huckabee

Sullivan: romney

Kay: edwards

O'Donnell, Sulllivan and Rather: clinton

Tweety: why

Panel: she's so hated she will united the GOP party

Tweety: who will you vote for Little Roy?

Roy: i hate america so I said fuck citizenship in yur evil empire

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Democratic Debate - December 13, 2007

Democratic Debate
Des Moines, Iowa
December 13, 2007

Host: fiscal policy?

Richardson: we've spent $500 million on the war in Iraq and we could have spent that on solar and wind and aviation and on the children after all they are our future

Edwards: taxes are set by big corporations and guess what they get breaks for moving jobs overseas well that's crazee

Hillary: americans feel like they are standing on one those trap door like in a james bond movie they are one health care crisis from falling through and being eaten by sharks

Host: how do you pay for the iraq war you all oppose??

Biden: it's all a paradigm

Host: ooh fancy term

Biden: i learned it from neal kinnock

Host: what's your answer

Biden: get rid of new nuclear weapons

Obama: i've laid out spending cuts and also get rid Cayman islands corporations they have 12,000 US businesses

Host: wow sounds like they have a great business climate

Obama: it's the economic school of thought of mother and fucking

Richardson: hey we still have to spend on the military like for our suicidal veterans

Dodd: we got millions of children living in poverty

Host: answer?

Dodd: unlike most Democrats i want to grow the economy

Host: Communist China!

Richardson: i would get tough with those genocide sympathizing lead-toy selling contaminated food weasels

Host: like how?

Richardson: no more MSG!!!

Dodd: we're adversaries heck they use slaves to make knock offs of our most popular movies - poor tom cruise - well i say fuck that shit

Host: entitlements! you have 8 seconds

Hillary: give medicare the right to negotiate with drug companies and reform health care like i tried to do 15 years ago

Host: what else

Hillary: bipartisan commission!

Biden: lift the cap on SS, deal with chronic disease and modernize like we could use a Commodore 64 in every hopsital

Obama: we need to return to the obesity levels of 1980

Host: how do we do that

Obama: bring back disco and cocaine

Richardson: health care is human right so the key is computers, and diabetes and phys ed in elementary schools

Host: what else

Bill: cure cancer

Host: your formal statement Obama and Edwards!

Obama: we have to have the courage to change and fight the special interests

Edwards: we have a lot to do because of corporate power and greed in DC - you can't deal with them we have to fight them so we have rise and kill the beast

Biden: how do we help third world nations by giving them pollution and slave wages

Host: but the iowa corn!

Richardson: international labor standards, collective bargaining, equal wages, clear air standards --

Host: jeebus we don't have that here

Dodd: back when jimmy carter and i were buddies we tried human rights and got the big smackdown but it should be seamless and a part of business and enhance America

Edwards: big corporations are making big bucks in China and what did the people in the US get?? lost jobs and poisonous toys

Host: what do you care you're rich?

Edwards: my father was laid off when the business moved to china

Host: oh

Clinton: i will review every trade agreement word for word and i take out all the bad stuff and fight for the good stuff

Host: okey dokey

Clinton: goddammit we're won't be patsies when i commander in chief!

Obama: i would sit down with the leaders of canada and say enough already with damm bacon and maple syrup

Host: what else?

Obama: when we torture we can't lecture anyone else on human rights and i liked when America was admired and not despised

Dodd: darfur doods!


[ ]

Richardson: 50 miles per gallon! also reduce our consumption oil and now that i think about greenhouse gases are bad too

Host: what else?

Richardson: no more air conditioning

Dodd: well i turned mine off this month

Host: w00t!

Dodd: carbon tax! Dammit!!

Clinton: it's imperative that we bravely triangulate this issue by taking money from auction permits to sell costs to the american consumer and shift those monies to an apollo program and move those funds to green energy efforts

Host: whew

Obama: i have young kids and i would like a nice pretty clean planet for them we do that by harnessing the desire people have to be rich like in wind technology and i told the automakers in Detroit to shape up

host: how did they like that

Obama: they said who is that mean black man?

Edwards: we have to ask Americans to be patriotic not just about war but about saving the planet it's the only one we have

Host: planet Genesis?

Edwards: but that is planet fobidden

Dodd: i love farmers their roughage keeps me regular

Obama: people in Manhattan get farm subsidies what teh fuck ain't no farms on 125th street

Biden: what happened to all the farmers i don't see any in Iowa we must save them they're like an endangered species

Clinton: i have a farmers from New York lecturing farmers in Iowa today

Obama: more of those fucking Manhattan farmers???

Clinton: american gothic dood

Host: statement Hillary?

Hillary: Obama wants to hope for change but i want to work to make it happen and as president i will not stop annoying people until they give in and give me what i want

Dodd: i'm very grateful to the people of Iowa for their warm embrace - if it wasn't for them i would not have hit 2% in the polls

Host: education?

Edwards: an Naval academy for teachers and send them forth and teach in truly wretched places like Alaska or the Bronx or Iowa

Richardson: [ yawn ]

i would do whatever like science and math and shit

Host: are we keeping you up sleepy

Richardson: bush sucks and teachers are good and art too

Richardson: my state was 49th and now were 29th

Host: that's bad

Richardson: yeah but my state is full of native americans

Obama: NCLB sucks, give teachers real money and bring parents back in schools

Host: like how

Obama: turn off the tv set

Host: but not MSNBC and CNN

Obama: no especially them they are making us stupid

Dodd: i like teachers and parents

Hillary: i brought Chelsea here today as an example of what a great mom i am

Host: very nice

Hillary: i wil use the Bully Pulpit for a city on a hill call it the Bully Hill Pulpit

Edwards: i like education

Biden: my wife is a full time teacher we have to have smaller classes, more hours, more money, and free college

Host: first year in office - go!!

Obama: pull out of iraq, repeal all of bush's executive orders, reform health care

Biden: split Iraq in three parts, stop torturing, health care, and invest in follicle technology

Richardson: all troops out, universal health care, energy revolution, and i would dust off a little document i like to call the Constitution

Host: first year in office - go

Obama: pull out of iraq, repeal all of bush's executive orders, reform health care

Biden: split Iraq in three parts, stop torturing, health care, and invest in follicle technology

Richardson: all troops out, universal health care, energy revolution, and i would dust off a little document i like to call the Constitution

Dodd: Constitution, diplomacy

Edwards: the truth is not all this can be done sure i would fight for ending the war and close gitmo but look the Corporations have to be beaten or nothing else will happen

Cliton: i will send Colin Powell around the world and tell him to tell them how great i am he seems like an easy mark

Host: you fucked up in 1993

Clinton: true but i've learned since them and i will have no secrecy i leaned from bill you can't keep secrets in DC so might as well not try

Host: Biden are you gaffe-prone or a racist?

Biden: 95% of minorities vote me let me tell you why i love it when indians open up 7-11's and Dunkin Donuts that's my record on the brown people

[crowd cheers]

Obama: i would like to say Joe Biden may be an idiot sometimes but he's no racist

Host: how can you work with business when you call them corrupt?

Edwards: i don't plan on working with them i plan on fighting them, beating them and squishing them into the ground

Host: but you are so young jon-boy

edwards: i'm 54

Host: Dodd are you driven to avenge your father

Dodd: i have spent 30 years looking for the six fingered man and i will not stop

Host: you were a bad Energy secretary

Richardson: wen ho lee pled guilty

Host: i heard he was held in solitary unfairly

Richardson: i won't apologize for protecting america from that wily asian

Host: Obama you have Clinton advisors

Clinton: ha ha ha

Obama: when i'm president Hillary will advise me too

[ Clinton laughs, snaps pencil in hand ]

Obama: hillary is part of the problem she supported the war and that was stupid i will talk to muslims around the world in our common secret language

Host: signing statements?

Hillary: i would use it clarify laws Bush uses it as a veto it's insane he re-wrote a law i passed saying he had stop being such a fucktard

Edwards: Bush thinks he is king but we have three branches, Presnit, Congress and the Blogosphere

Host: New Year's resolution?

Hillary: kick Obama's ass and the win the presidency

Edwards: think about hungry and sick children in my mansion

Dodd: hope that America becomes a respected nation and not openly despised also i hope i get at least one vote having spent enough time in this fucking state

Richardson: drop a few pounds and stay positive and try act like a give a shit about all this

Biden: ever since my family was killed i make a resolution to remember that

Obama: be a better father, husband and drug dealer

Host: ha

Obama: just kidding

Host: how much do you hate Iowa?

Hillary: my gawd these inbred slack jawed freaks are nuts

Edwards: i've had to fake being from teh midwest and not the south - i can't wait to get out of here

Dodd: lord this place is cold and boring and they revel in this election crap - i hate it

Richardson: tell me about it - it's freezing and none of you will vote for me fuck you all

Biden: jeesus i have never met a more tiresome crowd of loosers and idiots in my life

Obama: i hate so much i will just thank all the america people - did you i doubled the black population of every town i visited in iowa


[ .]

iowans: polite applause

Republican Presidential Debate - December 12, 2007

Republican Presidential Debate
December 12, 2007
Des Moines, Iowa

Washburn: Hi, I'm Carolyn Washburn, and I will hosting this debate under water

Washburn: America is in fiscal freefall -- go!

Rudy: we need to fire half the federal workforce and the answer to debt is to reduce taxes which would be a major boost of revenue to the government

Hunter: we have an 800 billion trade loss to Communist China those little yellow doods are cheating we must eliminate them

Ron Paul: we spend, borrow and tax too much -- the dollar has dropped 10% while i have finished this sentence

Tancredo: we should stop importing oil from brown people and people with crazy religions

Fred Thompson: the fucking chinese hate us and lend us money and george bush has bankrupted this country

Host: what's the answer?

Thompson: re-elect the Republicans

Romney: [powers up]

let's not wring our hands -- the future is bright the answer is good jobs, schools, and health care.

Host: wow that's bold

Huckabee: we can only be free if we can put food on our people, power ourselves and manufacture guns - otherwise we're enslaved

Host: wow slavery that sounds bad

Hucker: let mah people go

McCain: we're on a spending spree but since we can't raise taxes i will fund a Manhattan project to build a city like Manhahttan but here in America

Rudy: government is spending too much this has nothing to do with Americans - it's all about Washington D.C.

Host: wow that's scary where did they come from

Rudy: i dream of America free of washington dc and black people

Host: what's your answer

Rudy: no government medicine or nannies let people shop around for the health care they want

Host: wow that's bold

Rudy: i love boldness

Host: Ron any need for sacrifice?

Paul: there is no need for sacrifice we just pull troops from every one of the 130 countries we are in dammit!

Huckabee: kill the snake!

Host: huh?

Huckabee: americans should lose weight

Host: can we afford to run a deficit?

Romney: no need to make that choice - just eliminate parts of the federal government

Host: which ones?

Mitt: keep the aircraft carriers lose the anti-teen pregnancy programs

Host: w00t!

Tanfeardo: honestly if you think about it we should stop everything but keep federal defense but let's not build a bubble around people with womb to tomb care

Host: ewww

Thompson: we should build more bridges and have a bigger military but we can keep entitlement programs while making money know and that's very brave of me to say

Host: Taxes!?

Keyes: we should ritually sacrifice incumbent politicians they are phonies

McCain: low-income americans don't pay taxes

Host: payroll taxes?

McCain: never heard of 'em

Huckabee: repeal of all income taxes and have a national sales tax!

Mitt: i like teh middle class

Thompson: lucky duckies don't pay income taxes - oh poor rich people

Tancredo: repeal all taxes!

Paul: inflation is the worst tax of all its evil!

Hunter: all taxes are evil what are we wasting all those billions on????

Host: Iraq war, dumbass?

Hunter: no that's free

Rudy: we must reduce all taxes look i bought these magic beans in Washington Square park -- at least i think they're beans

McCain: i will ask every american to serve in teh military

Tancredo: Eeeeeeek!

Hunter: my son is in the middle east and i flew a jet and i built a wall between us and the brown horde

Paul: let's drop the fucking embargo against Cuba oh and we should print all money in gold coins

Mitt: hey i ran duane read which means i know how to deal with China

Host: jesus what kinds of pills were you selling

Mitt: a little lead won't kill you honey

Huckabee: i will eliminate all red tape - i will part it like Moses

Host: and if you're the nomineee the GOP will wander in teh wilderness for 40 years

McCain: i will sell iowa's farming crap to Vietnam - look I've been there i know their Commmissioner of agiculture he tortured me but we're buddies now

Rudy: heh sounds like fun -- look we are a nation of dreams i look on the abused third world as a bunch of potential customers like maybe an impoverished Rwandan village would like to buy a Boeing jet or see Ocean's 14

Host: what else

Rudy: free laptop?

Thompson: wtf is NAFTA?

Tancredo: fucking mexican trucks are coming here oh noes!!!

Hunter: NAFTA sucks - too brown for my taste

Paul: The Constitution is now used to restrain the people, control our wealth, police the world, and put devices in my teeth

Thompson: my number goal as president will be to kick ass all over the world and i will pretend to be a macho guy when elected

Host: show of hands - global warming

Thompson: fuck off

Host: what's you answer

Thompson: what part of 'fuck' or 'off' don't you understand filly

McCain: global warming is real and even it isn't we still leave a clean world is that so bad?

Rudy: yeah what he said

Host: what else

Rudy: Gore was right about everything

Hunter: it's all the animals fault

Rudy: thank god Republicans discovered this issue those liberals have fought us tooth and nail that's terrible

Mitt: the beauty of this we can clean the world but at the same time blame the third world and brown people for it's a win-win!!

Keyes: 5% of Americans have a serious mental illness who speaks for them but me??????

Thompson: hey i do too

Paul: what about me?

Keyes: phony politicans!

Paul: kettle - black dood

Huckabee: like McCain said we could leave a cleaner world but i like alternative energy if only we had a respected former vice president interested in this

Hunter: R&D d00ds!

Host: in what

Hunter: hydrogen we give incentives to private businesses

Host: you mean giveways

Tancredo: i like federal R&D but not government spending

Host: free swim!

Tancredo: the brown hoard is coming and they will take over the nation!!!!

Huckabee: people in america are looking for leaders - good, clean, white, thin, christian, non-mormon, wack-job leaders!

Host: American kids are dumb - discuss

McCain: simple - choice and competition among high schools let them fight over students - let the schools go to war if that's what it takes

Host: anything else

McCain: fire teachers and hire Mayor Bloomberg

Rudy: what kind of crazy person would have government schools run by the government

Host: solution?

Rudy: let people go to private school or home school if they want - then we will see a revolution

Host: but they can do that now stupid

Hunter: i saw this crazy movie in 1987 and we should base american policy on that

Host: dirty dancing?

Hunter: nobody puts Duncan in a corner

Romney: give good students a free four year collge education

Host: good luck with that

Huckabee: federal government should share data like keep a list of kids who are bored in high school

Host: um, that list would have 100 million people

Huckabee: teach art and music

Host: are you sure you are Republicans?

Keyes: can i talk?

Host: no crazy man

Keyes: i will throw a tantrum

Host: [sighs] go ahead looney


HOST: [ sighs ] ron paul do you have anything?

Paul: all kids should be home schooled!!!!

Host: uh-huh

Thompson: the NEA is evil -- that's what Rush Limbaugh says

Host: i give up

Rudy: what kind of crazy person would have government schools run by the government

Host: [sighs] Tancredo - i'm afraid to ask

Tancredo: we have to fire all people in the education departments in all states and the federal government

Huckabee: that dood is crazy

Mitt: our students are stupid but not in taxachsetts!

Host: what's your goal as President?

Rudy: defeat the muslim horde, energy independence, cut taxes, and shrink goverment

Hunter: launch attacks on North Korea, Iran, China, and Mexico

Host: jeebus you are nuts

Paul: bring the troops home from Iraq, stop threatening Iran, turn the Navy around

Tancredo: attack all mexicans there and in this country too - also attack all muslims

Thompson: my first goal would be establish my credibility

Host: how?

Thompson: tell the people judges suck

Mitt: my goals are to go after Jihad, mexicans, and stay on track for taxes, on track for new energy, on track for health insurance for all

Host: dood your Hologram DVD is skipping

Huckabee: i will unite all America under a Banner of Christianity

McCain: Make Americans Safe in Cyberspace

Host: huh

McCain: just do whatever who gives a shit i hate running for president

Keyes: i would sign an executive order making all women handmaids, abolish all taxes, lock up all non-christians, and invade mexico

Host: yeah you are so much more credible than Kuninich - jeesus

Mitt: i want to say to the people of Iowa - i need you help! My son Josh has visited all 99 counties in Iowa and we don't know where the hell he is

Keyes: Arrrrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhh

Host: [ sighs ]

Rudy: we need an optimistic leader who is willing to bash some skulls

Host: are you a criminal Rudy

Rudy: ha ha ha ha

Host: whacko

Rudy: i'm a criminal what are you gonna do

Host: you remind me of Tony Soprano

Rudy: hey it was all like a bookkeeping error ya know

Keyes: you need to open about who you are - for example i completely insane but do you see me hiding it? No!

[ pirouettes, sings in high pitched voice]

Host: thanks so much

Romney: i like little fetuses now

Rudy: fuck Alan Keyes

Thompson: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

host: would you care to expand on that

Fred: 2 years ago we thought Iran had nukes so we should only listen to the Israelis

Host: are you bananas

Fred: the NIE is only a piece of paper by a bureaucrat

Huckabee: i hate non christians

McCain: i hate radical islams

Huckabee: people who are poor should still get good health care

Host: ooh radical

Huckabee: founding fathers believed in equality so we should treat people equally

Keyes: Commie!

[ hops one foot ]

Romney: i was built by Noonian Singh in the same lab as Ronald Reagan - don't you want that back???

Hunter: sorry I'm so shocked by mitt's revelation that he's a robot that i forgot the question

Romney: please, the term is android dood

Host: Tancredo you are a wacko aren't you

Tancredo: it's simple we must never ever leave Iraq

Host: oh

Tancredo: but we should stop firing our guns

Host: speaking of crazy - Paul?

Paul: it's not my campaign it's my supporters it's a revolution beyond all party

McCain: i have more experience fucking over the american people than everyone here put together

Host: New Year's Resolution for an opponent!

Keyes: God sent me to do this interpretive dance

[ jumps up and down ]

McCain: fuck this shit

Romney: fuck Huckabee

Huckabee: fuck you

Thomspon: be a better lover to my young wife and father to my grandchild

Tancredo: kill more mexicans

Paul: destroy the Bilderberg group!

Hunter: Buy american

Rudy: i wake up every morning and say at least i'm not black so be grateful people of iowa

Host: and we are out of time [ sighs ]

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Meet The Press - December 9, 2007

Meet The Press
December 9, 2007
Guest: Mayor Rudy Giuliani

Russert: people hate you in iowa why is that

Giuliani: fuck iowa

Russert: that's it

Giuliani: hey you never know i have a lot mob ties in florida

Russert: you're funnelling money to huckabee aren't you

Giuliani: i sent a few goons his way

Russert: what else

Giuliani: i hope to win in New York

Russert: i heard they hated you there

Giuliani: that's true but they also hate romney and huckabee too

Russert: other states you can win?

Giuliani: new jersey and delaware

Russert: that's where all the bodies are buried i hear

Giuliani: you heard right fat man

Russert: iran will not have a bomb until 2015 and halted its program in 2003 they are highly rational says the NIE

Giuliani: i hate arabs

Russert: but doesn't this mean we shouldn't attack iran tomorrow

Giuliani: no not at all after all someday far far in the future they may have a bomb

Russert: should we attack?

Rudy: it would be very dangerous and risky

Russert: so no?

Rudy: no we should attack it would be more risky and dangerous not to attack

Russert: are you mad?

Rudy: in 2003 saddam was deposed

Russert: are you saying that's why they stopped

Rudy: no not all

Russert: so what was the reason

Russert: because we attacked Afghanistan

Russert: but the NIE says it was diplomatic pressure

Giuliani: forcible diplomatic pressure! that's what caused Khaddfi to surrender

Russert: surrender what?

Giuliani: those epaulets!

Russert: you agree with Podehrotz that we should bomb tomorrow

Giuliani: i reject extremsists on both sides

Russert: but he's your advisor

Giuliani: i like crazy men

Russert: you say Dems are weak for not seeing Osama declaring war on the US but you didn't do anything

Giuliani: i didn't see it coming

Russert: but you bragged about it

Giuliani: hey i only knew what Bush knew

Russert: so nothing then

Giuliani: i blockaded the mayor's office

Russert: to keep out black people or terrorists?

Giuliani: what's the difference?

Russet: why would you quit the 9/11 commission after 2 months just to make money

Giuliani: that's not the only reason I left

Russet: what was the other reason

Giuliani: to run for president

Russet: how selfless of you

Giuliani: i realized all the people on the commission were losers and i didn't want to be associated with them

Russet: you worked with Qatar to protect 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Mohammed is there nothing you won't do for money???

Giuliani: [laughs]

ha ha ha Timmy did you know we have troops in Qatar they are an ally!

Russet: the emir hates israel

Giuliani: no they are heroes in the warrn terra you can meet and talk to people on the steets od Doha

Russet: but those people are american soldiers!

Giuliani: i prefer to think of them as the emir Outsourced Protection Force

Russet: that's creative

Giuliani: we have to remain offensive!

Russet: the money you took came from a an account funding terrorism!

Giuliani: yes but those were terrorist on our side -- this is the kind of relationship we should have with the middle east they are modernizing and bringing our soldiers and that creates a threat from their own people

Russert: sounds like a protection racket

Giuliani: when you think about it it's a very positive relationship -- the closer they are too us the more threatened they are by terrorism and the more they need us

Russert: you also do business with Hugo Chavez and Kim Jong-Il

Giuliani: [laughs out loud]

Russert: this is serious you hunchbacked troll

Giuliani: no it isn't you fat dullard

Russet: why not release the names of your clients or sever financial ties your shady companu

Giuliani: i can't release the names of my clients 'cause I promised Osama i wouldn't

Russert: this isn't your law firms it's that criminal operation you call a consulting firm

Giuliani: hey sometimes we did work of the highest quality

Russert: only sometimes?

Giuliani: we also phoned it in - hey people only wanted to slap the "Rudy 9/11" name on their companies anyway

Russert: will you release your tax returns

Giuliani: only if i win the nomination which looks increasingly unlikely

Russert: your buddy Bernie Kerik is accused of conspriacy, tax fraud, stealing, lying and god knows what else when you promoted him to Police Commissioner

Giuliani: such a tragedy for everybody

Russert: you were warned about his crimes

Giuliani: hey i appointed lots of people to reduce welfare and crime

Russert: well he was committed crimes

Giuliani: no he reduced violence in the city jails and lowered crime and he was a hero on 9/11 which i witnesses when we were trapped in a building together

Russert: i thought that was judith nathan

Giuliani: no that's my mistress you're thinking of Judith Regan

Russert: sorry i get those 2 confused

Russert: were you briefed

Giuliani: i don't remember that and i have had a conversation with him where we worked on his memory heh heh

Russert: you recommended him for Homeland Security when all this information was available!

Giuliani: Available but i didn't find it!

Russert: speaking of Judith Regan what about the Ground Zero love nest?

Giuliani: that's only an allegation

Russert: you have bad judgment

Giuliani: how could i have bad judgment and still lower crime in New York City?

Russert: because crime droppped nationally at the same time?

Giuliani: Shhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Russert: you spent tax money on your gumar

Giuliani: my family have been threatened and so have my girlfriends and when that happens i call in some professionals from the old country to take care of it

Russert: but no one knew she was your girlfriend

Giuliani: hey blame the NYPD -- all our lives were in danger

Russert: Kerik says it was all on your orders

Giuliani: they guys in my gang said it was ok

Russert: will you provide secret service protection for your mistess when you are president

Giuliani: of course!!

Russert: do you like homosexuals?

Rudy: it's not sinful my views come from the catholic church

Russert: i'm confused

Rudy: it's the act that are sinful not the person

Russert: let's move on to Congressional CAFE standards

Rudy: no let me being up my extra-marital affairs one more time

Russert: oh ok

Rudy: i'm have sinned!

Russert: ok you’re done

The Chris Matthews Show - December 9, 2007

Matthews: Hillary Clinton used to be nice and now she's mean - oh my god!!!

Gregory: interesting

Matthews: she's unattractive and nasty!

Gregory: she can't compete with him on soaring rhetoric but she's more electable

Norris: Oprah isn't just a celebrity she's also a black corporation and a book club

Matthews: she empowered me to trash hillary

Matthews: Obama is a strapping young man how can ugly Hillary compete with his raw sexuality??

Matthews: wow he's so black and handsome and electable

Norris: he's a movie star they love him

Matthews: I'm in love

Parker: they are fleeing from hillary because she's not the most electable

Ignatius: raw competence is not exciting

Matthews: she's shrill and mean and nasty and this will backfire

Gregory: you gotta play hardball

Parker: but she's a horrible ball buster

Norris: she hit him with the brass knuckles that's bad

Matthews: ha ha mormons are eager goody-two shoes I love it!!!

Matthews: a lot of people though Romney gave a great speech

Gregory: you mean you did

Matthews: yes i and the other people in my head

Gregory: crazy cultish beliefs are a subject he's comfortable with

Matthews: he got weepy on the Continental Congress - alot of people were moved

Norris: you mean you were moved

Matthews: yes

Ignatius: he was cautious there was no inner man it was all positioning but Huckabee is more passionate

Matthews: i loved it - he's so sexy

Parker: it was all about self pity

Matthews: Huckabee - back off my man!!!!

Gregory: aren't you a big liar?

Bush: i only was told Iran was a country last week - i was told there was some information i was not told what it was

Matthews: he tells people who give him bad news dood you covered your ass

Matthews: alot of people think-

Gregory: you mean *you* think

Matthews: right

Gregory: he's a moron

Matthews: is he stupid or a liar

Parker: ever since the 16 words they haven't told Bush anything

Igantius: no this is a non-story after all the Iranains could have been lying about not having a bomb

Matthews: well then why talk about WWIIII

Ignatius: because you can't trust those wacked out turbaned persians

Matthews: good point David

Gregory: he was being very prudent by saying we have to attack to avoid WWIII until all the information was in
The Chris Matthews Show
December 9, 2007

Parker: the Western DNC will endorse Obama

Gregory: New sanctions against Iran!!!

Norris: candidates will not give my donuts on NPR debate

Matthews: ha that sucks

Ignatius: Syria are our new BFFs

Matthews: cia tortures people and hides it

Parker: use your imagination

Gregory: don't give away our best stuff!

Ignatius: they destroyed the tapes because torture is like masturbation -- everyone does it and enjoys it but no likes to see it or talk about it

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

60 Minutes - December 2, 2007

Scott Pelley: where are the iraqi christian men dood?

Christian Iraqi: they're all dead

Scott Pelley: any good news?

Iraqi Christian: yes - some of them were only kidnapped

Pelley: which is worse Saddam or George Bush?

Iraqi Christian: oh Bush

Pellley: really dood??

Iraqi Christian: there's no comparison - oh god i wish Saddam was back!!

Pelley: but Bush is a hero and a good christian!!

Iraqi Christian: christians have been here 2,000 years and this is the worst it’s ever been for them

Pelley: that's quite a statement

Iraqi Christian: i know but Saddam liked real christians - Bush seems not to

Pelley: Iraqi christians survived Romans and Ottomans and Turks and Mongols and Arabs but not George W. Bush

Iraqi Christian: that's true- he's made history

Pelley: i was at a secret Christian service and this doods children were murdered because of jeebus

US Soldier: oh yeah that happens all the time

Pelley: why don't you protect the Churches?

Soldier: they don't want us to

Pelley: why not

Soldier: because if an American is seen there they will only be attacked more

Pelley: i heard that attacks on Christians have stopped

Soldier: yes that's true

Pelley: yay!

Soldier: they are all dead

Pelley: oh

Pelley: what happened to all the Christians?

Christian: they are in a ghetto in Jordan

Lady Iraqi Christian: they want us to be muslim or we will be killed

Pelley: 4 million 500,000 iraqis have fled iraq because of America but good news 2,000 have been allowed in the USA

Christian: islam is evil but the in past Christianity was also evil

Pelley: why does god hate Christians?

Christian: he's working on the long-term plan

Pelley: oh ok

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Meet The Press - December 2, 2007

Meet The Press
December 2, 2007
Guest: Sen. Jim Webb (D-Virginia)

Russert: jim webb is the surge in Iraq working?

Webb: well that’s a complex question

Timmy: we have all morning Webby

Webb: the Sunni Awakening started before the Surge

Tim: how do you know

Webb: I just got back from Iraq and my son is there

Tim: impressive

Webb: the Sunnis overplayed their hand - they stated assassinating people when they should have purged voters rolls and stacked the courts

Tim: that’s what I call democracy!

Webb: those terrorists are now are best friends

Tim: awww so sweet

Webb: we made a six month deal with the Shia

Tim: with an option to buy?

Webb: then there are the terrorists who have decided to try to take over Pakistan instead of Iraq

Tim: but they only have a few nuclear weapons

Webb: the turks and kurds may go to war

Tim: uh-oh

Webb: yeah it’s fun

Timmeh: Washington Post says that Bush is a genius

Webb: oh that Neoconservative rag???

Timmeh: who calls is that?

Webb: your buddy Chris Matthews

Timmeh: But shouldn’t we build a giant gold statue to Bush??

Webb: he has completely failed to do robust regional diplomacy he lurches from one failure after another and the U.S. military bails his sorry ass out

Russert: is maliki a good guy?

Webb: it’s like Beirut in the 1980s dogs and cats are living together!

Russert: mere anarchy loosed upon the whirled

Webb: the dogs of war are fighting and we all have a dog in this fight - of course Bush is more like Chihuahua

Russert: Bush says Democrats should give him money or soldiers will run out of bullets and die horrible deaths

Webb: they use cheap fear tactics - it’s pathetic

Tim: do you hate our little soldiers

Webb: they want bases for there for the next 50 years

Timmeh: well what’s wrong with that? Korea hosted the Olympics and gave us that great tv show

Webb: I think we should get the hell out of Iraq before Alan Alda strikes again

Timmeh: Iran terror resolution??

Webb: look if you call a group ‘terrorists’ then it’s like saying we are at war and all the smart foreign policy experts -- even Republicans -- voted against it what does that tell you Timmy??

Timmeh: should Bush be impeached if he attacks Iran?

Webb: we should post guards outside the White House to stop him if tries to launch

Timmy: Can the Democrats capture Virginia?

Webb: who is she, one of those missing white women?

Timmy: no, I mean the state

Webb: I talked to army guys in the tidewater and they’re open to a more conservative Democrat

Timmy: would you like to be vice president?

Webb: sure why not

Tim: would you accept it?

Webb: yeah but don’t muzzle me dood

Tim: who’s better Hillary or Barack?

Webb: she’s smarter but he’s better looking

Tim: heh smart answer Webby

Russert: holy omnivores Obama is winning in Iowa

Gregory: he’s found his voice it’s silky smooth and frankly very sexy

Tim: women swooned

Robinson: Hillary was banking on inevitability and Obama has this crazy tactic of meeting people and talking to them

Tim: wow that’s crazy enough to work

Brody: Edwards has slung all the mud for Barack and also done the blocking and tackling

Gregory: dems are nervous because they got burned with Kerry

Michelle Norris: they are playing it safe

Russert: you were at the brown and black forum

Norris: hillary doesn't go down easy

Timmeh: it's all about the black vote in South Carolina Eugene Robinson

Eugene: blacks are looking at this young fellow Barack

Tim: you're saying that south carolina voters will take their cues from inbred white farmers in iowa

Robinson: they like them some Clinton magic

Gregory: she is so evil and polarizing

Brody: intangibles - Oprah and Faith

Russert: hey you never know what will happen Hillary has Teh Bomber and Obama Meets with Bloomberg

Gregory: thankfully tragedy was averted

Russert: yes Obama is a black man but he was not stopped and shot by the NYPD

Norris: Oprah is the #1 tv program in Iowa

Russert: not Meet the Press? so sad

Norris: well with ‘women over 50’ -- you still lead with ‘Demented Shut-Ins’ Tim

Tim: yay!

Russert: bill clinton said something this week

Brody: it teh Baggage of the Nineties!!

Tim: fascinating

Brodry: he's like allen iverson he was the first black president

Tim: but he was Teh Answer

Brody: what was The Question

Tim: Huckabee leading in iowa even though he's only spent $7.50 and Romney spent $10 million

Brody: he assured the Iowans the he is also a gun-toting bible-thumping cracker

Norris: ron paul may beat mccain

Russert: the NH newspaper has endorsed john mccain of course they also said steve forbes would save America

Gregory: Rudy thinks he can win Callyfornica and Florida

Russert: why those states

Gregory: they are immoral cesspools of perverted sex and corruption

Russert: ah you mean his base

Robinson: bernie kerick says don't worry all the payoffs were accounted for

Russert: huckabee could save rudy's ass

Norris: Rudy has been endorsed by the leaders of the Chrisian Nutty Right but if Rudy supports the Gays they will stay home and watch a wholesome show like Will & Grace

Brody: huckabee said to Rudy ‘you look ugly in that dress but bless you for trying’

Russert: Rudy will be next week

Greogry: with bells on his toes?

Russert: we can only hope

The Chris Matthews Show - December 2, 2007

The Chris Matthews Show
December 2, 2007

Matthews: Rudy hid city money to take his scheming mistresses around town while Romney the Robot is falling to Hucktser i love it!

Heilmann: we all delighted when Rudy would call voters deranged

Matthews: he's the Joker in Batman smiling but deeply crazy

Bumiller: he's smears innocent people who are murdered

Matthews: even you had a tough time with him and you're hot

Bumiller: i was immune to his considerable charms

Andy “little roy cohn” Sullivan: he coddles child molesters and he loves having enemies and is psychopathologically combative and nasty

Borger: ha ha just like Hillary!!

Andy: they’re just like each other!!

Matthews: Rudy will win because he is more electable!

Borger: no he’s not the most electable he’s too much like Hillary Clinton!!

Matthews: liberal media has fallen in love with Huckabee that’s crazy!!

Heileman: but now the gloves come for Gov. Cornporn

Matthews: why do the media develop these man-crushes it’s bizarre!

Andy: it’s not just the black helicopter crowd!

Heileman: he’s got the Pat Buchanan / John Edwards Axis

Matthews: The Hair Club for Men

Bush: I luv pretty pictures

Olmert: hey dumbass if you want the photo-op then move - god what shithead hey Mahmoud?

Abbbas: no wonder they call him President Stupid

Matthews: the boys ganged up on Condi Rice

Bumiller: yeah but now she’s more confident and has poise

Matthews: she did the triple axel and nailed the landing

Bumiller: bush asked her after cheney started the war if she supported it and she said yes

Matthews: I hope your book does well because I want to read it but I only read bestsellers

Bumiller: Oprah said no to me

Matthews: hey she’s a black woman too!

Andy: she’s smart and a distinguished human being

Matthews: Oprah or Condi?

Borger: condi’s a groundbreaker on Iran

Andy: she’s a zero

Matthews: we know that the Arabs and Israel will start the Apocalypse soon is there any hope??

Bumiller: Matthews you need up your medication