Hosted by AARP
October 25, 2007
Let the Republican Debate Begin!
Our candidates are:
Mike "Dinosaurs knew Jesus" Huckabee
John "I was a Tortured by the VC and George Bush" McCain
McCain: don’t worry about my age my 95 year old mother drives at 112 mph around arizona so i will live long although I’ve inherited a death wish
Commentator: ha ha ha
McCain: all governors end up in prison
McCain: the problem with health care in america is not the quality its that its expensive and hillarycare will make it cost even more ergo she's evil
McCain: i urge you go to canada or england if you need care and you can't afford it
McCain: clearly the answer to our problems is tort reform and suing pharmaceutical companies - problem solved
McCain: also we should import drugs from Canada
McCain: just give every rich american a $2500 tax credit and then they can shop around at "Heart Transplants R Us"
audience: woo hoo
McCain: the problem in american is that people lack self esteem because they don't have health insurance so we should send them self help books ergo problem solved
Huckabee: most of you don't know that John McCain and I were married for 5 years in the 1980s
audience: ha ha ha ha
Huckster: the number one issue in america is that we have too many fat people
audience: clap clap
Huckster: i lost 110 pounds
Huckster: i got divorced!
audience: ha ha ha ha
Huckster: out health care costs are because Americans are fat and lazy and it's all their fault
audience: golf clap
Huckabee: America looks like an NFL team with 70,000 people cheering on a dozen guys beating the shit out of each other
audience: USA!! USA!!
Huckster: let me steal Hillary's line about the diabetic foot thing
Huck: did you know that health costs more than the Iraq war???
Viewer: well duh we're nickel and diming the war
Huck: yeah but look at all the money we're saving
Mod: does that figure include health care costs related to the war?
Mod: how would you boost savings?
McCain: health savings accounts
Mod: are you fucking serious
McCain: the tax code sucks
Mod: no shit sherlock
McCain: we should have tax credit for fitness
Mod: anything else
McCain: medical malpractice reform
Mod: that's it?
McCain: personal responsiblity
Mod: what else
McCain: did i say fitness?
McCain: then i say let adam smith solve the problem
Huckster: key to savings to create a national sales tax April 15 would be just another bootyful spring day in america
audience: yay no IRS!!
Huckster: if it can't be fixed with duct tape can't be fixed and our health care system can't be fixed
McCain: well a sales tax is stupid but you can't rely on Congress - it should be disbanded
Mod: so what instead
McCain: hire alan greenspan to be our Provisional Dictator
Mod: that's insane
McCain: i could be yur Ruler
Mod: what else will solve the USA's problems
Mod: that's all?
McCain: let angry americans finally buy insurance across state lines dammitt!!
Huckster: stop penalizing income and start penalizing spending
McCain: 30 trillion in unfunded spening with Medicaid and medicare and it's all socialized medicine but we have an obligation to keep all that but without raising taxes
Mod: what the fuck did you just say?
McCain: i dunno
Huckster: i only trust me and i want to be in control of my own health care
Huckster: but government should be a safety net
Huckster: i hate people like john mccain who are from washington they are all polarized
McCain: now i will mention that i am a veteran unlike fatty
McCain: sorry skinny
McCain: when i'm presnit every veteran will carry plastic card which will ensure them crappy care
Huckster: this is going to shock you but people don't come up to me and beg me to raise taxes but I gave people envelopes called the Tax Me More Fund and people could always give their own money to teh goverment
Moderator: ok that is the single dumbest thing i have ever heard in my life
Huckster: look we either we eliminate social security or start killing old people
McCain: well i am old so i don't like that
audience: ha ha
McCain: my democrat friends are not serious because they don't believe we should let people invest FICA in tulip bulbs
McCain: ronald reagan and tip o'neill were 2 old irishmen who ot drunk one night and solved social security for 10 years
McCain: i will reach out to my democrat friends
Mod: but you just used a slur
McCain: fuck you
McCain: the national sales tax sucks even the wall street journal says so
Hucker: that left wing rag!
Mod: dood there will still be an irs but it be will be for your sales tax
Hucker: no let states do it
McCain: dream on looney
Huckster: why is government subsidizing smokers but punishing healthy people
Mod: what the fuck?
Huckster: why have sick leave - make sick people work and reward healthy people give them the day off
Mod: that's nuts
Huckster: hook every american up to a pedometer
McCain: i love those ideas - why don't insurers do that
Mod: that's the free market dood
McCain: well they should pay for membership in fitness clubs
Mod: how can we solve america's problems?
McCain: Nancy Reagan solves american's drug problem by appearing on Diff'rt Strokes let her do it again
Mod: any other solutions
McCain: stop Leonardo DiCaprio from smoking in the movies dammitt!!!
McCain: these damm lawyers are responsible for kids smoking
Mod: dood are you fucking senile
Huckster: it's crazy that people spend 85% of their care dollars in the last few weeks of life therefore we should just kill people a few months earlier
Huckster: we need to empower people to not need medical care
Huckster: we should reiumberse family members to take care of families like bathing your elderly parent
viewer: that sure sounds like fun
McCain: we need to take care of WWII vets they're dying
McCain: let me add that everyone should have a living will when they hit 60 i got one thirty years ago
Mod: why does this county suck
McCain: it's all evil partisanship and americans are tired of it
Mod: who is a good democrat
McCain: joe lieberman
Mod: no an actual dem
McCain: russ feingold
Mod: ooh a jew bold move old man
Mod: ok Huckster McCain has fallen asleep so the floor is yours
Mod: dood we have governor as presnit now and frankly he sucks so why should we elect you
Huckster: i want to be Communicator in Chief
Mod: but the evil Dems!!
Huckbee: i will go to the american people and speak softly
McCain: i can whisper like i'm doing now
Mod: which presnit do you admire
McCain: John F Kennedy
Mod: what will you do about Iraq
McCain: stop lying to the American peeple
Mod: that's just crazy enough to work
Question from audience: SCHIP doods
Huckabee: the Dems wants to give welfare to people making $80,000 a year and we just can't afford it
Mod: but everyone agree with them
Huckabee: that proves my point the Democrats are so evil they appeal to people whereas John McCain has risen above such pettiness as popularity
Mod: well yes or no for SCHIP
Huckabee: look most people like kids and Republicans would give them health care if we could afford it
Mod: yes or fucking no
Huckabee: i hate the elderly too
McCain: those fucking dems were going to increase taxes on smoking meaning they were going to tell people to keep smoking to help children well that's bad
McCain: we just can't afford it
viewer: so what's the answer
McCain: walk-in clinics
Huckbee: let's not debate who denied kids health care the important point is that Dems are bad
Q: how do we solve social security
Mod: wake up dood
McCain: 401ks, savings accounts, Dems need to sit down with us and agree to destroy the system
Mod: what else
Huckabees: the word privatize scared people the better word is "personalized" accounts the government would be your partner
Mod: in other words, eliminate social security
Huckster: yes but not for the current elderly
Huck: doctors go to school for a long time and insurance companies tell him how long he can spend with you
Mod: fucking private market
Huck: and don't get me started on those gowns no secrets dood
Mod: and those magazines i mean highlights??
McCain: people skip medical school because it's expensive so we should do that thing they did on Northen Exposure
Mod: i never got that wasn't he from new york city?
McCain: let it go dood
Mod: name one good thing Bush has ever done
McCain: he won the election and he promised to get rid of social security
[synchronized swimming clap ]
McCain: the fucking partisan dems derailed it damm hippie traitors
Question: doods who watches the nest egg?
Huckman: dood you will it will be like the FDIC you will be like a flying wallenda an investor with a safety net
Mod: because americans never lose money in investments
Huckabee: exactly who would trust a bunch of bureauracrats
McCain: i would have a group like the board of trustees of Social Security now to oversee how SS money is invested
Mod: i'm sorry what the fuck
McCain: i would have the government insure people investing in gold mines in africa
audience member: jesus fucking christ what the fuck???
McCain: dood no one ever washed a rental care people will never lose their own money!
audience member: dood did the vietcong hit you in the head or something
McCain: well there would be limits
Huckabee: we should have courses in money management ergo problem solved
audience member: holy shit you're crazee too
Your final statements pleeze:
Huckster: look we've been through Revolution and WWII and the Civil War and the Great Depression and all sorts of horrible shit so i truly belive the country could survive my presidency too
McCain: look Republicans are corrupt and in prison and we failed in Katrina and we failed in Iraq so you should vote for me
McCain: i will carry a pen with me to stab lobbyists with
McCain: i love the commmies at Divided We Fail and thank the Huckster -- also Rudy Guiliani and Fred Thomspon can suck my dick
McCain: as you may now we lost a war was i was a pow and jane fonda was ruining america and then ronald reagan came and won the cold war without drinking a shot and now we face consumate evil from islamofascist and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Mod: well he fell asleep - Hucky?
Huckster: yay I'm the last one left standing!!
Huckster: no male in my family ever went to high school
Mod: well that's it