* AFGHANISTAN *
Scott Pelley: u can't say teh soviets were better than americans
Afghan: oh yes we can
Pelley: i don't care what Human Rights Watch sez usa sa!
Pelley: why are so many afghans being killed by americans?
Karzai: i dunno - i told bush to knock it off
Pelley: but bush is a righteous christian
Karzai: fuck him
Pelley: i promised the air force i wouldn't say where the USA high tech center is located but it rhymes with Guttar
Retired army guy: we only kill 29 civilians at a time without permission
Pelley: how many civilians did you kill?
Army guy: over 200
Pelley: and how many bad guys?
Army guy: zero
Military guy: you can't make a freedom omlette without breaking a few innocent eggs
Pelley: how evil are the taliban
Army guy: so evil they kill innocent people!
Pelley: so do we
Army: but not on purpose
Afghan guy-whose-house-was-destroyed: gee, what a relief
Retired army guy: you have to look at the big picture - we're only creating more terrorists
Karzai: the americans are incredible fuckups
Pelley: i talked to a 7 year old boy and i asked him what do you want to do when you grow up and he said i want to fly a plane into the Freedom Tower
Karzai: and they say people in this country have no dreams
* BEE COLONY COLLAPSE *
Steve Kroft: why don't people luv bees?
Bee Guy: fuck them - where's the love for beekeepers?
Kroft: have you ever been stung
Bee Guy: about 10,000 times
Kroft: i don't think bees like you dood
Bee Guy: all my bees flew away
Kroft: maybe you didn't talk to them enough
Bee Guy: they love to dance
Kroft: your colony collapsed
Bee Guy: they left their babies and their honey behind
Kroft: damm they left in a hurry
Bee Guy: they fled with no reason
Kroft: don't worry dood Bush's federal government is on the case
Bee Guy: [ sobs ]
Bee Guy: i blame insecticides
Kroft: what - they're just based on nicotine who wouldn't love that?
Bee guy: they're designed to kill insects dood you figure it out
Government Guy: we're looking into it
Kroft: it's also possible the bees are undernourished and overworked
Bee Guy: well you just described the average american and they still show up for work
Kroft: it will takes years to figure this out in the meantime let's just keep pumping out insecticides
Bee Guy: i didn't quit because without me american farming would collapse
Kroft: teh wal-mart pumpkins!!!
Bee guy: bees are my life
Expert: but they may all die off
Kroft: what will happen to the vegetables and the fruits
Expert: they may have to leave the Republican party
Kroft: so sad
* PRESIDENT SARKOZY *
Sarkozy: i luv america
Stahl: gawd why
Sarkozy: i luv leh music
Stahl: like what
Sarkozy: le beetles
Stahl: sorry they're brits
Sarkozy: oh noez
Stahl: why doez he love l'america
Frenchman: well yur not all bad
Stahl: cecilia refusee le hot dogs
Sarkozy: je despise le paparazzi
Stahl: mais je suis leslie stahl
Sarkozy: fuckez vous
Stahl: vouz avez le chip on le shoulder
Sarkozy: i was born le poor black enfant
Stahl: votre pere said you have le sucky nom
Sarkozy: i luv amerique because you are stupide enuf to elect a body builder governator i sed c'est le country pour moi
Stahl: you cracked down on brown skulls
Sarkozy: votes etes damm right
Stahl: you hate the browns and lazee people
Sarkozy: nous sommes going to smackez le francais around
Sarkozy: i hatez le welfare
Stahl: but les strikes!
Sarkozy: fuckez the unionz
Stahl: le peuple luv sarkozy
Sarkozy: Madame sarkozy est disloyale
Stahl: tell me about yur wife?
Sarkozy: no comment
[storms out of the interview]
Stahl: le bastard should have discussed his marriage avec moi
Rooney: baseball managers do too much
audience: they do less than any other coach in other sports
Ronney: fuck you
Rooney: baseball is too complicated
audience: no it isnt
Ronney: what's their IQ
audience: what's yur IQ old man