Monday, October 29, 2007

60 Minutes - Afghanistan, Sarkozy, Bee Collapse

* AFGHANISTAN *

Scott Pelley: u can't say teh soviets were better than americans

Afghan: oh yes we can

Pelley: i don't care what Human Rights Watch sez usa sa!

Pelley: why are so many afghans being killed by americans?

Karzai: i dunno - i told bush to knock it off

Pelley: but bush is a righteous christian

Karzai: fuck him

Pelley: i promised the air force i wouldn't say where the USA high tech center is located but it rhymes with Guttar

Retired army guy: we only kill 29 civilians at a time without permission

Pelley: how many civilians did you kill?

Army guy: over 200

Pelley: and how many bad guys?

Army guy: zero

Military guy: you can't make a freedom omlette without breaking a few innocent eggs

Pelley: how evil are the taliban

Army guy: so evil they kill innocent people!

Pelley: so do we

Army: but not on purpose

Afghan guy-whose-house-was-destroyed: gee, what a relief

Retired army guy: you have to look at the big picture - we're only creating more terrorists

Karzai: the americans are incredible fuckups

Pelley: i talked to a 7 year old boy and i asked him what do you want to do when you grow up and he said i want to fly a plane into the Freedom Tower

Karzai: and they say people in this country have no dreams

* BEE COLONY COLLAPSE *

Steve Kroft: why don't people luv bees?

Bee Guy: fuck them - where's the love for beekeepers?

Kroft: have you ever been stung

Bee Guy: about 10,000 times

Kroft: i don't think bees like you dood

Bee Guy: all my bees flew away

Kroft: maybe you didn't talk to them enough

Bee Guy: they love to dance

Kroft: your colony collapsed

Bee Guy: they left their babies and their honey behind

Kroft: damm they left in a hurry

Bee Guy: they fled with no reason

Kroft: don't worry dood Bush's federal government is on the case

Bee Guy: [ sobs ]

Bee Guy: i blame insecticides

Kroft: what - they're just based on nicotine who wouldn't love that?

Bee guy: they're designed to kill insects dood you figure it out

Government Guy: we're looking into it

Kroft: it's also possible the bees are undernourished and overworked

Bee Guy: well you just described the average american and they still show up for work

Kroft: it will takes years to figure this out in the meantime let's just keep pumping out insecticides

Bee Guy: i didn't quit because without me american farming would collapse

Kroft: teh wal-mart pumpkins!!!

Congress: hmmmmm

Bee guy: bees are my life

Expert: but they may all die off

Kroft: what will happen to the vegetables and the fruits

Expert: they may have to leave the Republican party

Kroft: so sad

* PRESIDENT SARKOZY *

Sarkozy: i luv america

Stahl: gawd why

Sarkozy: i luv leh music

Stahl: like what

Sarkozy: le beetles

Stahl: sorry they're brits

Sarkozy: oh noez

Stahl: why doez he love l'america

Frenchman: well yur not all bad

Stahl: cecilia refusee le hot dogs

Sarkozy: je despise le paparazzi

Stahl: mais je suis leslie stahl

Sarkozy: fuckez vous

Stahl: vouz avez le chip on le shoulder

Sarkozy: i was born le poor black enfant

Stahl: votre pere said you have le sucky nom

Sarkozy: i luv amerique because you are stupide enuf to elect a body builder governator i sed c'est le country pour moi

Stahl: you cracked down on brown skulls

Sarkozy: votes etes damm right

Stahl: you hate the browns and lazee people

Sarkozy: nous sommes going to smackez le francais around

Sarkozy: i hatez le welfare

Stahl: but les strikes!

Sarkozy: fuckez the unionz

Stahl: le peuple luv sarkozy

Sarkozy: Madame sarkozy est disloyale

Stahl: tell me about yur wife?

Sarkozy: no comment

[storms out of the interview]

Stahl: le bastard should have discussed his marriage avec moi

ANDY ROONEY

Rooney: baseball managers do too much

audience: they do less than any other coach in other sports

Ronney: fuck you

Rooney: baseball is too complicated

audience: no it isnt

Ronney: what's their IQ

audience: what's yur IQ old man

Rooney: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2 comments:

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