Guests:
Hillary
Clinton
Sen.
Bernie Sanders (I-VT)
Donald
Trump
Chris
Matthews
Andrea
Mitchell
Hallie
Jackson
Hugh
Hewitt
Todd:
omg it's the most
important
day in politics!
Todd:
Rubio repeated himself and
Chris
Christie crushed him like a
Saint
Bernard with a squeaky
chew toy
Todd:
Trump is way ahead of everyone else!
Todd:
Sanders is up big!
Todd:
New Hampshire
is the
graveyard of pollsters
Clinton:
ewww
Todd:
you like that image?
Clinton:
I'm picturing walking
undead
pollsters
Todd:
welcome Secretary Clinton
Clinton:
great to be here
Charles
Todd:
you're behind in New Hampshire
Clinton:
I know I'm
behind but
I'm
going to keep fighting
Todd:
why are so far behind?
Clinton:
who the hell knows?
Todd:
I dunno
Clinton:
Bernie
is from Vermont
Todd:
true
Clinton:
I love this! I'm having a great time!
Todd:
back in 2008 you said Barack
Obama
wasn't experienced and
you're
saying
that about Bernie
Sanders now
Clinton:
that's different because
Obama
was brilliant and did his work
Todd:
got it
Clinton:
Bernie has no foreign policy network
Todd:
oh no
Clinton:
you need to be ready on the first day!
Todd:
or sooner
Clinton:
maybe when we were at
peace
you keep learn on the job
but
not now – there's
chaos everywhere!
Todd:
because of the Iraq
war
which
you supported
Clinton:
I got bin laden and
brought
Iran to the table
Todd:
but the Iraq
war led
to
the creation of ISIS
Clinton:
yes but al Qaeda
existed before the
war
Todd:
but our good friend
Saddam
Hussein
had firm
control of Iraq
Clinton:
maybe but those jihadists
are
everywhere now
Todd:
right
Clinton:
it's all-out war for
the
meaning of Islam!
Todd:
Bernie Sanders says
the
business
model of Wall Street
is fraud
Clinton:
that's
crazy talk
Todd:
I see
Clinton:
what does the heck
does
that
even mean
Todd:
I dunno
Clinton:
theres good and bad in everyone
Todd:
ebony and ivory
Clinton:
this is a complex economy
– banks
do good things too!
Todd:
some even have dog
biscuits and lollipops
Clinton:
I love the little banks
Todd:
I have a piggy bank
that
looks
like Tim Russert's head
Clinton:
why won't Sanders go
after
the shadow banks?
Todd:
the Secretary
of Treasury
always
comes
from Wall Street or
goes to
Wall
Street or both
Clinton:
very often that's
true
Todd:
can you hire a
Treasury
Secretary
without a Wall
Street
background?
Clinton:
I want to rise all
incomes
Todd:
sounds good
Clinton:
China is imploding!
Todd:
I heard they were
beating us
Clinton:
we need smart and
knowledgeable
people in government
Todd:
Madeline
Albright said
women
must help other women
Clinton:
she believes that
Todd:
should we be
offended
Clinton:
good grief don't
be so touchy
Todd:
I'll try
Clinton:
Maddy has struggled
for
decades
and the fight isn't
over
Todd:
what about the Super
Bowl
Clinton:
I'm
more worried about
the
children of Flint
Todd:
I've
heard something
about that
Clinton:
I'm
going to do everything
I
can to help
the people there
Todd:
well thanks for coming
Clinton:
you too Todd
[
break ]
Todd:
welcome Senator Sanders
Sanders:
hiya Chet
Todd:
you flubbed foreign
policy
Sanders:
I won that debate!
Todd:
ok
Sanders:
Clinton
is experienced in
foreign
policy but she has
bad judgment
Todd:
right
Sanders:
she supported the
Iraq
war
Todd:
so I've
heard
Sanders:
we can't keep
fighting
wars
in the Middle
East!
Todd:
Albright says you
don't
go
to foreign policy
briefings
Sanders:
Chuck
that is so
ridiculous
Todd:
it is
Sanders:
I go to
foreign
policy
briefings
all the damn time!
Todd:
if you say so
Sanders:
Clinton
supported the war in Iraq!
Todd:
yes I know
Sanders:
I also opposed the
war in Kuwait!
Todd:
all right
Sanders:
and I opposed the
Iraq war!
Todd:
so you've said
Sanders:
and so did Obama!
Todd:
who will you name
as
Secretary
of Defense?
Sanders:
Larry Korb or maybe
Zogby
Todd:
interesting
Sanders:
look I know what I'm
doing
Todd:
you say all of Wall
Street
is
based on committing fraud
Sanders:
well it's true
Todd:
it is?
Sanders:
Goldman
Sachs just
paid
a settlement of
$5 billion
Todd:
true
Sanders:
they all pay huge
settlement
fines all the time!
Todd:
right
Sanders:
and no one ever goes
to jail!
Todd:
well no
Sanders:
but if
you get caught
with
a little pot
you do go
to jail!
Todd:
not if your dad
works on Wall Street
Sanders:
of course they all
commit fraud!
Todd:
who's going to win
the Superb Owl?
Sanders:
the Patriots!
Todd:
thanks for coming
[
break ]
Todd:
Rubio got a wedgie
in
the
middle of the debate!
Hewitt:
Kasich is so winsome
Todd:
he's adorkable
Hewitt:
Rubio didn't
do that badly
Matthews:
he sounded like
a
replicant from Blade
Runner
Todd:
he's more of an
android
Jackson:
He's a
robot!
Mitchell:
or a wind-up toy
Hewitt:
oh c'mon guys
Jackson:
but will anyone care about
Rubio's
fail with the Super Bowl today?
Mitchell:
this is the Super
Bowl of politics!
Jackson:
good point
Mitchell:
he's
the boy in the bubble
Todd:
Christie told us this
was
coming three days ago!
Hewitt:
messing up the
debate was
good
for Rubio because it shows
Democrats
fear him
Matthews:
why repeat it four
times in a row?
Hewitt:
because
his staff trained him well
Mitchell:
well that's
the problem
Todd:
Jeb Bush owned Trump
on
stealing from an elderly woman
Mitchell:
Trump shushed
him
which
was very effective
Jackson:
his mommy told
him
to stand up for himself
Hewitt:
Republicans hate eminent domain!
Matthews:
Trump kicked the
school
wimp when he was down
[
break ]
Todd:
welcome Donald Trump
Trump:
nice to be here Ted
Trump:
do you
need to win in New
Hampshire?
Trump:no
I don't
Todd:
sure you do
Trump:
New Hampshire
is beautiful
Todd:
you will turn on
them if you lose
Trump:
I really won Iowa!
Todd:
you did?
Trump:
yes because Ted Cruz
cheated
Todd:
were you humbled
by Iowa?
Trump:
what the hell is a caucus
anyway?
Todd:
It's
like a big thing
where
people do stuff
Trump:
I never knew you
need a ground game
Todd:
you were
late to
understand
basic campaigning
Trump:
that is true
Todd:
your
staff says you
screwed
up in Iowa
Trump:
I gave them unlimited
cash!
Todd:
all right
Trump:
I've
spent no money because
people
like you
give me free tv
Todd:
you want bring back
a hell
of
a lot worse than waterboarding
Trump:
this is like
Medieval Times
Todd:
I like that
restaurant
Trump:
there has never
been
anything like this!
Todd:
what will you do?
Trump:
a form of torture
much
worse
than waterboarding!
Todd:
like what
Trump:
something really
horrible and gruesome
Todd:
that's disturbing
Trump:
torture works!
Todd:
so you want to be
barbaric?
Trump:
yes we must be evil!
Todd:
what the hell is
your health care plan?
Trump:
I own a big company
Todd:
okay
Trump:
all we have to do is let
people
buy insurance in other states
Todd:
so take away state's
rights
Trump:
also health savings
accounts
would solve the problem
Todd:
got it
Trump:
but we can't
let
people
die in the streets
Todd:
so you
favor government health care
Trump:
no it's
having called a
heart
Todd:
so how
will it work?
Trump:
we'll work out a deal with hospitals
Todd:
you're
a famous misogynist
Trump:
I've
been tougher
on
you than anyone else
Todd:
my wife thinks so
too
Trump:
I hit Megan
Kelly
hard!
Todd:
so well phrased
Trump:
I would hit you too
and
you are far from a woman
Todd:
a woman would never
have
this thing on her chin
Trump:
I've
never heard
these
rumors of my sexism
Todd:
well I assure
they're out there
Trump:
look at the hot chick in the
red dress
Todd:
that's Andrea Mitchell
Trump:
I'd hit that
Todd:
will you pledge to
only serve one term?
Trump:
look I'm going to
need time
to build a wall and
kick all the Irish
out
Todd:
so no pledge
Trump:
I may serve three terms!
Todd:
in 2004 Kerry was
behind in the polls
but
won in Iowa and New
Hampshire
– just like Ted Cruz in 2016?
Todd:
but in 1984 Gary Hart
lost in
Iowa and
won New Hampshire
like
Rubio hopes to now
Todd:
in 1988 Bush lost in
Iowa but
won in New Hampshire and
became
President
– like Trump hopes
to
Todd:
so what scenario will
play out on Tuesday – who knows??
[ break ]
Sanders:
Clinton
is captive of Wall Street!
Clinton:
it's
a smear!
Sanders:
it's all
corrupt
Clinton:
he thinks everybody
but
him is bought and
paid for!
Todd:
it's a race to the left!
Matthews:
Teddy Roosevelt was a progressive!
Todd:
true
Matthews:
Sanders captured
the
left wing of the party
Matthews:
she should move to the center!
Mitchell:
she's lost the base and the women
Mitchell:
and young people!
Mitchell:
she's part of the establishment!
Mitchell:
she dragged out Madeline
Albright
to lecture young women
Jackson:
I spoke to a Republican
working
for Jeb and also
Bernie Sanders
Todd:
both parties are racing to the bases!
Hewitt:
Sanders is Swedish
and
Clinton is a criminal
Mitchell:
I speak to women who love
Clinton
but are worried about Benghazi
Todd:
what about Rubio?
Bush:
he's scripted and
ergo
not a leader
Bush:
he will be a terrible
President
just like my brother
Hewitt:
there will definitely
be
an open convention!
Matthews:
Kasich is going to win
because it
is the voters' civic
duty
to vote the Beltway's pundits'
dream candidate – a liberal Republican
Jackson:
Kasich may do well in
coastal
South Carolina
Mitchell:
Bernie is getting
some
black friends!
Todd:
the GOP ran two
Hispanics
and a black
guy
Matthews:
it was a great debate!
Todd:
Sanders
was on Saturday Night Live!
Mitchell:
Sanders
would be
the
first Jewish President!
Todd:
since Abraham Lincoln
Mitchell:
right
Todd:
and that's another
episode
of Meet The Press
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