Dr. Ben Carson
Stephanopoulos: omg there is
an imminent terror threat!
Raddatz: George it's totally
about to happen!
Stephanopoulos: holy shit!
Raddatz: here in Brussels we're
sheltering in place
Raddatz: but there are tourists wandering
obliviously around outdoors like assholes
Stephanopoulos: don't they
know there's a war on?
Raddatz: the Paris attacker is now
the most wanted man in the world
Stephanopoulos: I want you to want me
Raddatz: don't even get me started on Mali
Mali Survivor: I thought I was dead
but the terrorists are stupid
Raddatz: ISIS is losing land in Iraq
to the good guys with American help
Stephanopoulos: that's good
Raddatz: but the threat is still enormous!
Obama: we win by saying 'we're not afraid'
Stephanopoulos: I'm so afraid!
Raddatz: Brussels is full of soldiers
and armored personnel carriers
Raddatz: Belgium just like Iraq but
with waffles and less roadside bombs
Raddatz: I talked to a Muslim in Belgium
and she said she's scared of terrorists too
Stephanopoulos: Hillary is leading but Bernie
is surging and no one can stop Donald Trump
Obama: Republicans are
scared of widows and orphans!
Karl: but some Democrats are
afraid of Syrian refugees too
Karl: but our poll says a majority
of Americans are freaked out by refugees
Ben Carson: refugees are like rabid dogs
Trump: registering Americans in a
database is good management
Stephanopoulos: Trump leads in
all polls since forever!
Karl: he's lead every single poll since July
Stephanopoulos: do terror attacks
in Europe hurt Obama?
Karl: Republicans say they trust
Trump the most to go after terrorists
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: welcome Mr Trump
Trump: nice to see you Greg
Stephanopoulos: how is the campaign coming?
Trump: I'm awesome and everyone
else is stupid
Trump: Look at Paris! I said attack the oil!
Stephanopoulos: are ruling out a
database for all American Muslims?
Trump: not at all – I definitely want one
Trump: Syrian refugees are probably okay
but they could be the Trojan horse of all time
Stephanopoulos: I see
Trump: the refugees are all
strong handsome muscular men
Stephanopoulos: if you say so
Trump: if we say the magic words
'radical Islamic terrorism' we win the war
Stephanopoulos: got it
Trump: we shouldn't allow any refugees in!
Stephanopoulos: would you go back to torture?
Trump: yes because ISIS drowns people
Stephanopoulos: that makes sense
Trump: ISIS is horribly cruel and
inhumane and evil and we must
be more like them
Stephanopoulos: so you even do waterboarding?
Trump: yes because waterboarding
Stephanopoulos: Jeb Bush says you're weak
Trump: Jeb is a very weak
person and low-energy person
Stephanopoulos: a bit
Trump: these people are tough people and
we're weak and we need to be tough
Stephanopoulos: you have it all figured out
Trump: Hillary does not have strength
or stamina to be President
Stephanopoulos: would you close mosques
Trump: I want to surveil the mosques!
Stephanopoulos: all mosques?
Trump: those wily American muslims know
who the terrorists are but they won't talk
Stephanopoulos: that's quite an accusation
Trump: we have to surveil the mosques
and we were stopping terror attacks
until DeBlasio came along and caused
9/11 and the attacks in Paris which
are also his fault
Stephanopoulos: that checks out
Trump: we need to be strong
or we will see buildings coming down
all over America and not just because
our infrastructure is crumbling
Stephanopoulos: should terrorists be
allowed to buy guns and explosives?
Trump: I love the second amendment!
Stephanopoulos: but should someone
on the terror watch list be allowed to
buy a machine gun?
Trump: that's already against the law
Stephanopoulos: no it isn't
Trump: put 'em all in jail!
Stephanopoulos: I'm still not sure
what your answer is
Trump: if people in Paris had guns
there would a shootout and very few
people would have been hurt
Trump: I got all the answers Stephan
Stephanopoulos: so would you let
someone the terror watch list buy a gun?
Trump: no – keep em away!
Stephanopoulos: all right then
Trump: thousands of Americans in Jersey City
were cheering the twin towers falling down
on September 11th
Stephanopoulos: that didn't happen
Trump: I saw it – there were people
cheering in New Jersey
Trump: yeah you know the arab population
Stephanopoulos: police say it didn't happen
Trump: fuck the police
Stephanopoulos: Kasich blames
you for Benghazi
Trump: he is a loser and no one likes him
Trump: I'm leading – he's a stupid
incompetent person who caused
the Depression in 2007
Stephanopoulos: got it
Trump: Obama caused the attacks in
Paris and he wants more attacks here
Trump: Obama wants to bring
250,000 ISIS terrorists to Iowa
Stephanopoulos: the Republican establishment
is scared of you and wants to take you out
Trump: because I'm winning
Trump: I get crowds of 6,000
Stephanopoulos: would run as an independent?
Trump: yes if I feel I'm not treated fairly
Stephanopoulos: so are you?
Trump: I've built fabulous golf
courses all over the world and
that's what we need to defeat ISIS
Stephanopoulos: of couse
Trump: the elites loved me when I
donated to the Republican party
but they're frightened of the monster
Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming Donald
Trump: the pleasure was all yours
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: welcome Ben Carson
Carson: and a blessed Sunday to you as well James
Stephanopoulos: would you bring back torture?
Carson: sure – not inflicting excruciating
pain on a prisoner is political correctness
which will destroy our Christian way of life
Stephanopoulos: so you do waterboarding?
Carson: I don't want to reveal to the enemy
what cool torture methods we've discovered lately
Stephanopoulos: would you monitor mosques
Carson: yes of course but we should
also monitor the shopping centers
where terrorists hang out
Stephanopoulos: where would that be?
Carson: the mall, Ikea, Trader Jihadi Joe's
Stephanopoulos: good examples
Carson: the FBI can only monitor 50
people at a time which is wrong
Stephanopoulos: I'm going to have check on that
Carson: we must do absolutely everything
we possibly can – we're talking about the
safety of the American people!
Stephanopoulos: so should people on
terror watch list buy guns and explosives?
Carson: whoa hold on there – we can't
stop people from buying guns or we might
violate the Second Commandment
Stephanopoulos: you the Second Amendment
Stephanopoulos: so terrorists can
buy guns and ammo?
Carson: it's so unfair people how people
get put on these lists – it's torment and torture!
Stephanopoulos: but you approve of torture to stop terrorism
Carson: I mean mild torture like
waterboarding not extreme torture like
not being able to buy a machine gun at
three o'clock in the morning without
a background check
Stephanopoulos: you said it would be easy
to get ISIS but Obama says you're wrong
Obama: the best military minds
don't think its easy
Stephanopoulos: are your advisors better than Obama's?
Carson: we should go after terrorists!
Carson: we need to take the land back
– the land is just sitting there!
Stephanopoulos: darn land
Carson: we should cultivate the Kurds!
Stephanopoulos: okay then
Carson: the Arabs failed to get ISIS because
we didn't put enough special forces with them
Stephanopoulos: I see
Carson: I've been told we should put
seals and dolphins in with our troops
Carson: we should consult with this
place called the Department of Defense
Stephanopoulos: there's an idea no one thought of before
Carson: I have to think of everything!
Stephanopoulos: your own advisors say
you know nothing about foreign affairs
Carson: in a larger sense aren't we all ignorant people
Stephanopoulos: um what
Carson: what is knowledge anyway
but a set of artificial concepts
Stephanopoulos: well put
Carson: I have been woken
up often to save lives
Carson: to run the government you
do need practical experience in medicine
Stephanopoulos: you're falling behind in Iowa
Carson: it's an elongated process
Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming Doctor
Carson: you too Stephen