Reporters:
Martha
Raddatz
Jonathan
Karl
Guests:
Donald
Trump
Dr.
Ben Carson
Stephanopoulos:
omg there is
an
imminent terror threat!
Raddatz:
George it's totally
about
to happen!
Stephanopoulos:
holy shit!
Raddatz:
here in Brussels we're
sheltering in place
Stephanopoulos:
cripes
Raddatz:
but there are tourists wandering
obliviously
around outdoors like assholes
Stephanopoulos:
don't they
know
there's a war on?
Raddatz:
the Paris attacker is now
the
most wanted man in the world
Stephanopoulos:
I want you to want me
Raddatz:
don't even get me started on Mali
Mali
Survivor: I thought I was dead
but
the terrorists are stupid
Raddatz:
ISIS is losing land in Iraq
to
the good guys with American help
Stephanopoulos:
that's good
Raddatz:
but the threat is still enormous!
Obama:
we win by saying 'we're not afraid'
Stephanopoulos:
I'm so afraid!
Raddatz:
Brussels is full of soldiers
and
armored personnel carriers
Stephanopoulos:
whoa
Raddatz:
Belgium just like Iraq but
with
waffles and less roadside bombs
Raddatz:
I talked to a Muslim in Belgium
and
she said she's scared of terrorists too
Stephanopoulos:
Hillary is leading but Bernie
is
surging and no one can stop Donald Trump
Obama:
Republicans are
scared
of widows and orphans!
Karl:
but some Democrats are
afraid
of Syrian refugees too
Karl:
but our poll says a majority
of
Americans are freaked out by refugees
Ben
Carson: refugees are like rabid dogs
Trump:
registering Americans in a
database
is good management
Stephanopoulos:
Trump leads in
all polls since forever!
Karl:
he's lead every single poll since July
Stephanopoulos:
do terror attacks
in Europe hurt Obama?
Karl:
Republicans say they trust
Trump
the most to go after terrorists
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos:
welcome Mr Trump
Trump:
nice to see you Greg
Stephanopoulos:
how is the campaign coming?
Trump:
I'm awesome and everyone
else is stupid
Stephanopoulos:
right
Trump:
Look at Paris! I said attack the oil!
Stephanopoulos:
are ruling out a
database
for all American Muslims?
Trump:
not at all – I definitely want one
Stephanopoulos:
really?
Trump:
Syrian refugees are probably okay
but
they could be the Trojan horse of all time
Stephanopoulos:
I see
Trump:
the refugees are all
strong
handsome muscular men
Stephanopoulos:
if you say so
Trump:
if we say the magic words
'radical
Islamic terrorism' we win the war
Stephanopoulos:
got it
Trump:
we shouldn't allow any refugees in!
Stephanopoulos:
would you go back to torture?
Trump:
yes because ISIS drowns people
Stephanopoulos:
that makes sense
Trump:
ISIS is horribly cruel and
inhumane
and evil and we must
be
more like them
Stephanopoulos:
so you even do waterboarding?
Trump:
yes because waterboarding
is peanuts
Stephanopoulos:
Jeb Bush says you're weak
Trump:
Jeb is a very weak
person
and low-energy person
Stephanopoulos:
a bit
Trump:
these people are tough people and
we're
weak and we need to be tough
Stephanopoulos:
you have it all figured out
Trump:
Hillary does not have strength
or
stamina to be President
Stephanopoulos:
would you close mosques
Trump:
I want to surveil the mosques!
Stephanopoulos:
all mosques?
Trump:
those wily American muslims know
who
the terrorists are but they won't talk
Stephanopoulos:
that's quite an accusation
Trump:
we have to surveil the mosques
and we
were stopping terror attacks
until DeBlasio came
along and caused
9/11 and the attacks in
Paris which
are also his fault
Stephanopoulos:
that checks out
Trump:
we need to be strong
or
we will see buildings coming down
all
over America and not just because
our
infrastructure is crumbling
Stephanopoulos:
should terrorists be
allowed
to buy guns and explosives?
Trump:
I love the second amendment!
Stephanopoulos:
but should someone
on
the terror watch list be allowed to
buy
a machine gun?
Trump:
that's already against the law
Stephanopoulos:
no it isn't
Trump:
put 'em all in jail!
Stephanopoulos:
I'm still not sure
what
your answer is
Trump:
if people in Paris had guns
there
would a shootout and very few
people
would have been hurt
Stephanopoulos:
amazing
Trump:
I got all the answers Stephan
Stephanopoulos:
so would you let
someone
the terror watch list buy a gun?
Trump:
no – keep em away!
Stephanopoulos:
all right then
Trump:
thousands of Americans in Jersey City
were
cheering the twin towers falling down
on
September 11th
Stephanopoulos:
that didn't happen
Trump:
I saw it – there were people
cheering in New Jersey
Stephanopoulos:
really?
Trump:
yeah you know the arab population
Stephanopoulos:
police say it didn't happen
Trump:
fuck the police
Stephanopoulos:
Kasich blames
you for Benghazi
Trump:
he is a loser and no one likes him
Stephanopoulos:
maybe
Trump:
I'm leading – he's a stupid
incompetent person
who caused
the Depression in 2007
Stephanopoulos:
got it
Trump:
Obama caused the attacks in
Paris
and he wants more attacks here
Stephanopoulos:
naturally
Trump:
Obama wants to bring
250,000
ISIS terrorists to Iowa
Stephanopoulos:
the Republican establishment
is
scared of you and wants to take you out
Trump:
because I'm winning
Stephanopoulos:
right
Trump:
I get crowds of 6,000
Stephanopoulos:
would run as an independent?
Trump:
yes if I feel I'm not treated fairly
Stephanopoulos:
so are you?
Trump:
I've built fabulous golf
courses
all over the world and
that's
what we need to defeat ISIS
Stephanopoulos:
of couse
Trump:
the elites loved me when I
donated
to the Republican party
but
they're frightened of the monster
they created
Stephanopoulos:
thanks for coming Donald
Trump:
the pleasure was all yours
[
break ]
Stephanopoulos:
welcome Ben Carson
Carson:
and a blessed Sunday to you as well James
Stephanopoulos:
would you bring back torture?
Carson:
sure – not inflicting excruciating
pain
on a prisoner is political correctness
which
will destroy our Christian way of life
Stephanopoulos:
so you do waterboarding?
Carson:
I don't want to reveal to the enemy
what
cool torture methods we've discovered lately
Stephanopoulos:
would you monitor mosques
Carson:
yes of course but we should
also
monitor the shopping centers
where
terrorists hang out
Stephanopoulos:
where would that be?
Carson:
the mall, Ikea, Trader Jihadi Joe's
Stephanopoulos:
good examples
Carson:
the FBI can only monitor 50
people
at a time which is wrong
Stephanopoulos:
I'm going to have check on that
Carson:
we must do absolutely everything
we
possibly can – we're talking about the
safety
of the American people!
Stephanopoulos:
so should people on
terror
watch list buy guns and explosives?
Carson:
whoa hold on there – we can't
stop
people from buying guns or we might
violate
the Second Commandment
Stephanopoulos:
you the Second Amendment
Carson:
whatever
Stephanopoulos:
so terrorists can
buy guns and ammo?
Carson:
it's so unfair people how people
get
put on these lists – it's torment and torture!
Stephanopoulos:
but you approve of torture to stop terrorism
Carson:
I mean mild torture like
waterboarding not
extreme torture like
not being able to buy a
machine gun at
three o'clock in the morning without
a background check
Stephanopoulos:
you said it would be easy
to
get ISIS but Obama says you're wrong
Obama:
the best military minds
don't think its easy
Stephanopoulos:
are your advisors better than Obama's?
Carson:
we should go after terrorists!
Stephanopoulos:
righty-o
Carson:
we need to take the land back
– the
land is just sitting there!
Stephanopoulos:
darn land
Carson:
we should cultivate the Kurds!
Stephanopoulos:
okay then
Carson:
the Arabs failed to get ISIS because
we
didn't put enough special forces with them
Stephanopoulos:
I see
Carson:
I've been told we should put
seals
and dolphins in with our troops
Carson:
we should consult with this
place
called the Department of Defense
Stephanopoulos:
there's an idea no one thought of before
Carson:
I have to think of everything!
Stephanopoulos:
your own advisors say
you
know nothing about foreign affairs
Carson:
in a larger sense aren't we all ignorant people
Stephanopoulos:
um what
Carson:
what is knowledge anyway
but
a set of artificial concepts
Stephanopoulos:
well put
Carson:
I have been woken
up
often to save lives
Stephanopoulos:
okay
Carson:
to run the government you
do
need practical experience in medicine
Stephanopoulos:
you're falling behind in Iowa
Carson:
it's an elongated process
Stephanopoulos:
thanks for coming Doctor
Carson:
you too Stephen
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