Thursday, November 26, 2015

This Week with George Stephanopoulos – November 22 , 2015

Martha Raddatz
Jonathan Karl
Donald Trump
Dr. Ben Carson

Stephanopoulos: omg there is
an imminent terror threat!

Raddatz: George it's totally
about to happen!

Stephanopoulos: holy shit!

Raddatz: here in Brussels we're 
sheltering in place

Stephanopoulos: cripes

Raddatz: but there are tourists wandering
obliviously around outdoors like assholes

Stephanopoulos: don't they
know there's a war on?

Raddatz: the Paris attacker is now
the most wanted man in the world

Stephanopoulos: I want you to want me

Raddatz: don't even get me started on Mali

Mali Survivor: I thought I was dead
but the terrorists are stupid

Raddatz: ISIS is losing land in Iraq
to the good guys with American help

Stephanopoulos: that's good

Raddatz: but the threat is still enormous!

Obama: we win by saying 'we're not afraid'

Stephanopoulos: I'm so afraid!

Raddatz: Brussels is full of soldiers
and armored personnel carriers

Stephanopoulos: whoa

Raddatz: Belgium just like Iraq but
with waffles and less roadside bombs

Raddatz: I talked to a Muslim in Belgium
and she said she's scared of terrorists too

Stephanopoulos: Hillary is leading but Bernie
is surging and no one can stop Donald Trump

Obama: Republicans are
scared of widows and orphans!

Karl: but some Democrats are
afraid of Syrian refugees too

Karl: but our poll says a majority
of Americans are freaked out by refugees

Ben Carson: refugees are like rabid dogs

Trump: registering Americans in a
database is good management

Stephanopoulos: Trump leads in 
all polls since forever!

Karl: he's lead every single poll since July

Stephanopoulos: do terror attacks 
in Europe hurt Obama?

Karl: Republicans say they trust
Trump the most to go after terrorists

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: welcome Mr Trump

Trump: nice to see you Greg

Stephanopoulos: how is the campaign coming?

Trump: I'm awesome and everyone 
else is stupid

Stephanopoulos: right

Trump: Look at Paris! I said attack the oil!

Stephanopoulos: are ruling out a
database for all American Muslims?

Trump: not at all – I definitely want one

Stephanopoulos: really?

Trump: Syrian refugees are probably okay
but they could be the Trojan horse of all time

Stephanopoulos: I see

Trump: the refugees are all
strong handsome muscular men

Stephanopoulos: if you say so

Trump: if we say the magic words
'radical Islamic terrorism' we win the war

Stephanopoulos: got it

Trump: we shouldn't allow any refugees in!

Stephanopoulos: would you go back to torture?

Trump: yes because ISIS drowns people

Stephanopoulos: that makes sense

Trump: ISIS is horribly cruel and
inhumane and evil and we must
be more like them

Stephanopoulos: so you even do waterboarding?

Trump: yes because waterboarding
is peanuts

Stephanopoulos: Jeb Bush says you're weak

Trump: Jeb is a very weak
person and low-energy person

Stephanopoulos: a bit

Trump: these people are tough people and
we're weak and we need to be tough

Stephanopoulos: you have it all figured out

Trump: Hillary does not have strength
or stamina to be President

Stephanopoulos: would you close mosques

Trump: I want to surveil the mosques!

Stephanopoulos: all mosques?

Trump: those wily American muslims know
who the terrorists are but they won't talk

Stephanopoulos: that's quite an accusation

Trump: we have to surveil the mosques 
and we were stopping terror attacks 
until DeBlasio came along and caused 
9/11 and the attacks in Paris which 
are also his fault

Stephanopoulos: that checks out

Trump: we need to be strong
or we will see buildings coming down
all over America and not just because
our infrastructure is crumbling

Stephanopoulos: should terrorists be
allowed to buy guns and explosives?

Trump: I love the second amendment!

Stephanopoulos: but should someone
on the terror watch list be allowed to
buy a machine gun?

Trump: that's already against the law

Stephanopoulos: no it isn't

Trump: put 'em all in jail!

Stephanopoulos: I'm still not sure
what your answer is

Trump: if people in Paris had guns
there would a shootout and very few
people would have been hurt

Stephanopoulos: amazing

Trump: I got all the answers Stephan

Stephanopoulos: so would you let
someone the terror watch list buy a gun?

Trump: no – keep em away!

Stephanopoulos: all right then

Trump: thousands of Americans in Jersey City
were cheering the twin towers falling down
on September 11th

Stephanopoulos: that didn't happen

Trump: I saw it – there were people 
cheering in New Jersey

Stephanopoulos: really?

Trump: yeah you know the arab population

Stephanopoulos: police say it didn't happen

Trump: fuck the police

Stephanopoulos: Kasich blames 
you for Benghazi

Trump: he is a loser and no one likes him

Stephanopoulos: maybe

Trump: I'm leading – he's a stupid 
incompetent person who caused 
the Depression in 2007

Stephanopoulos: got it

Trump: Obama caused the attacks in
Paris and he wants more attacks here

Stephanopoulos: naturally

Trump: Obama wants to bring
250,000 ISIS terrorists to Iowa

Stephanopoulos: the Republican establishment
is scared of you and wants to take you out

Trump: because I'm winning

Stephanopoulos: right

Trump: I get crowds of 6,000

Stephanopoulos: would run as an independent?

Trump: yes if I feel I'm not treated fairly

Stephanopoulos: so are you?

Trump: I've built fabulous golf
courses all over the world and
that's what we need to defeat ISIS

Stephanopoulos: of couse

Trump: the elites loved me when I
donated to the Republican party
but they're frightened of the monster 
they created

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming Donald

Trump: the pleasure was all yours

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: welcome Ben Carson

Carson: and a blessed Sunday to you as well James

Stephanopoulos: would you bring back torture?

Carson: sure – not inflicting excruciating
pain on a prisoner is political correctness
which will destroy our Christian way of life

Stephanopoulos: so you do waterboarding?

Carson: I don't want to reveal to the enemy
what cool torture methods we've discovered lately

Stephanopoulos: would you monitor mosques

Carson: yes of course but we should
also monitor the shopping centers
where terrorists hang out

Stephanopoulos: where would that be?

Carson: the mall, Ikea, Trader Jihadi Joe's

Stephanopoulos: good examples

Carson: the FBI can only monitor 50
people at a time which is wrong

Stephanopoulos: I'm going to have check on that

Carson: we must do absolutely everything
we possibly can – we're talking about the
safety of the American people!

Stephanopoulos: so should people on
terror watch list buy guns and explosives?

Carson: whoa hold on there – we can't
stop people from buying guns or we might
violate the Second Commandment

Stephanopoulos: you the Second Amendment

Carson: whatever

Stephanopoulos: so terrorists can 
buy guns and ammo?

Carson: it's so unfair people how people
get put on these lists – it's torment and torture!

Stephanopoulos: but you approve of torture to stop terrorism

Carson: I mean mild torture like 
waterboarding not extreme torture like 
not being able to buy a machine gun at 
three o'clock in the morning without 
a background check

Stephanopoulos: you said it would be easy
to get ISIS but Obama says you're wrong

Obama: the best military minds 
don't think its easy

Stephanopoulos: are your advisors better than Obama's?

Carson: we should go after terrorists!

Stephanopoulos: righty-o

Carson: we need to take the land back
the land is just sitting there!

Stephanopoulos: darn land

Carson: we should cultivate the Kurds!

Stephanopoulos: okay then

Carson: the Arabs failed to get ISIS because
we didn't put enough special forces with them

Stephanopoulos: I see

Carson: I've been told we should put
seals and dolphins in with our troops

Carson: we should consult with this
place called the Department of Defense

Stephanopoulos: there's an idea no one thought of before

Carson: I have to think of everything!

Stephanopoulos: your own advisors say
you know nothing about foreign affairs

Carson: in a larger sense aren't we all ignorant people

Stephanopoulos: um what

Carson: what is knowledge anyway
but a set of artificial concepts

Stephanopoulos: well put

Carson: I have been woken
up often to save lives

Stephanopoulos: okay

Carson: to run the government you
do need practical experience in medicine

Stephanopoulos: you're falling behind in Iowa

Carson: it's an elongated process

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming Doctor

Carson: you too Stephen

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