Gen. John Campbell – Cmdr. U.S. Forces in Afghanistan
Stephanopoulos: OMG there were
fireworks in Iowa
Wright: oh wow Bernie Sanders
went after Clinton!
Wright: but Clinton was introduced
by Katy Perry
Clinton: hear me roar!
Sanders: we're gonna make history!
Wright: he called Clinton a
flipper-flopper on trade
Sanders: I never supported that deal!
Wright: but Clinton has driven all her
opponents from the field and eleven-hour
Benghazi hearing made her a hero
Wright: but she's still a partisan lighting rod
Wright: she will probably win but then
again that's what we said in 2008
Stephanopoulos: omg Ben Carson
is now leading in Iowa!
Llamas: it's so exciting
Trump: I'm number two! I don't believe it!
Trump: he's low energy!
Trump: what the fuck kind of
cult is 7th Day Adventists?
Llamas: Bush stopped paying his staffers
Llamas: doctor Carson could win in Iowa!
Llamas: but Trump still leads
in all national polls
Stephanopoulos: welcome Donald Trump
Trump: get on with it buddy
Stephanopoulos: you attacked 7th Day Adventists
Trump: I just don't know anything
about it so that's what I said
Stephanopoulos: so why did you bring it up?
Trump: I just don't know about it
Stephanopoulos: then why raise it at all?
Trump: because I don't know about it
Stephanopoulos: will you apologize?
Trump: no because all I said was
'I don't know about it'
Stephanopoulos: Ben Carson said you
can't forcibly deport 11 million people
Trump: he's weak!
Stephanopoulos: I see
Trump: George Bush's weak immigration
rules caused the attacks on 9/11
Stephanopoulos: I see
Trump: we're going to let the good ones
come right back in and keep out the bad ones
Trump: there are real bad ones and
they will get out so fast your head will spin
Stephanopoulos: it's already spinning
Stephanopoulos: Ben Carson
wants to get rid of Medicare
Trump: that's a great idea actually
Stephanopoulos: so you would also get rid of Medicare?
Trump: definitely – it's worked for
decades so clearly we don't need it anymore
Stephanopoulos: can you stop
Ben Carson's amazing surge?
Trump: I have a massive lead in New Hampshire!
Stephanopoulos: he's beating you in Iowa
Trump: I find that hard to believe
Stephanopoulos: Jeb Bush says he
would be a miserable President and
people should elect Trump
Trump: He and Ben Carson
are low energy losers
Stephanopoulos: perhaps a bit
Trump: we're being ripped off by foreigners!
Stephanopoulos: go on
Trump: we need rich people!
Stephanopoulos: they're very nice
Trump: Jeb is a total disaster!
Stephanopoulos: that's not untrue
Trump: I'm number one and I'm
not even spending any money!
Stephanopoulos: that's amazing
Trump: Ben Carson is running loads
in Iowa and he's being led by his
SuperPac which is wrong
Stephanopoulos: we had a focus group
that likes you a lot but also thinks
you're a total asshole
Trump: I will be a great unifier –
also Obama is awful
Stephanopoulos: you said the country is going to hell
Trump: America is the world's laughing stock!
Trump: the USA is in terrible shape!
Stephanopoulos: what's your debate strategy
Trump: I predicted Osama bin Laden
back in 2000!
Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming Donald
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: welcome John Podesta
Podesta: thanks George
Stephanopoulos: Trump says under
President Hillary Clinton the country
will go to hell
Podesta: he's an idiot
Stephanopoulos: that's checks out
Podesta: he just hurls insults
Stephanopoulos: well he beats
Hillary Clinton in some polls
Podesta: oh please – she would crush him
Stephanopoulos: Bernie Sanders says
he is authentic and has conviction and Clinton is calculating
Podesta: she's not a flip-flopper – she's just a very good listener
Stephanopoulos: has Bernie Sanders peaked?
Podesta: he's gone negative which is mean
Stephanopoulos: is Hillary Clinton only
good when her back is against the wall?
Podesta: maybe but when you're President
you're back is always against the wall
Stephanopoulos: in a way
Podesta: she endured that stupid Benghazi
committee for eleven hours which is longer than
Titanic and Avatar and Gone with the Wind all three Godfathers
Stephanopoulos: that third one was bad
Podesta: she's learned from that
epic defeat in 2008
Stephanopoulos: did Hillary Clinton reveal classified information?
Podesta: that was a five billion dollar
taxpayer-funded witch hunt
Stephanopoulos: the FBI is investigating
Podesta: bring it on baby!
Stephanopoulos: you're confident
Podesta: those e-mails show a hard-working
successful Secretary of State fighting for America
Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming
[ break ]
Raddatz: omg US forces rescued hostages from ISIS!
Soldier: damn fucking right we did
Raddatz: the Afghans need a lot of help too
Solider: we've fired 7,000 rounds
Raddatz: wow it's like America on
an average weekend
Soldier: our biggest concern is still IEDs
Raddatz: General Campbell are we
beating the Taliban?
Campbell: they're very tough
Raddatz: you're low on troops
Campbell: a bit
Raddatz: does that hurt you
Campbell: we lose eyes and ears
Raddatz: that's not good
Raddatz: look at this ISIS graduation ceremony!
Raddatz: their commencement speaker read
Oh the Place's You'll Go and then told them it's Afghanistan
Campbell: that's a good book though
Raddatz: does Afghanistan still threaten the homeland?
Raddatz: I'm scared!
Campbell: don't kid yourself martha!
Raddatz: everyone we talked to wants
America to stay and occupy Afghanistan
Raddatz: but then again the U.S. did bomb a hospital
Campbell: that was a mistake
Raddatz: are going to be here for decades?
Campbell: yes it's just like Germany
except the Afghan people actually like us
Raddatz: okay then
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: omg Bernie Sanders
went after Clinton!
Halperin: well of course because she's terrible
Heileman: he should go after her more!
Granholm: DOMA was years ago
Stephanopoulos: well she also voted
for the Iraq war
Granholm: everyone evolves George
Karl: Clinton had a terrible summer
Karl: but she just had 10 great days
Stephanopoulos: is Benghazi over?
Stephanopoulos: but she came off well
Navarro: she did look good
Stephanopoulos: Ben Carson may be
crazy but he leads in Iowa
Halperin: the elite East Coast media are
all snobs who think you make sense you
talk about government
Stephanopoulos: Trump went after
Seventh Day Adventists
Heileman: Trump's religion is even worse
Stephanopoulos: what is it?
Heileman: something do with a
gold statue of himself
Stephanopoulos: Ana you're sticking with Jeb
Navarro: I was very happy to hear he
was slashing pay for his staff – that should
boost morale and solve everything
Stephanopoulos: you keep telling
Navarro: oh god why did I sign with that idiot
Stephanopoulos: is Marco Rubio in the catbird's seat?
Granholm: he's too extreme
Stephanopoulos: but he's young and handsome
Navarro: he's like Obama!
Stephanopoulos: a bit
Navarro: he's the most eloquent
person in politics today
Stephanopoulos: Mark who do you like?
Halperin: Ted Cruz
Stephanopoulos: oh really?
Halperin: also Rubio and Kasich and
Bush and Christie and Carson
Stephanopoulos: way to cover your bases
Heilemann: the nominee will probably
be a crazy outsider
Navarro: oh god
Granholm: Trump and Carson want
to get rid of Medicare!
Stephanopoulos: sorry we can't
Granholm: but but
Stephanopoulos: no we're out of time
Stephanopoulos: but first today's quiz
Stephanopoulos: and that's the show