Monday, October 12, 2015

Meet The Press – October 11, 2015

Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT)
Rep. Charlie Dent (R-PA)
Rep. David Brat (D-VA)
Kathleen Parker
Hugh Hewitt
Eugene Robinson
Nathan Gonzalez

Todd: OMG both sides are so extreme!

Todd: Bernie Sanders is a crazy liberal
and the GOP forced out Boehner and McCarthy

Todd: the GOP split has finally
exploded wide open!

Todd: first the crazies forced out
Eric Cantor and then John Boehner
what is happening?

Todd: can Paul Ryan take over
and stop this madness?

Todd: but conservatives hate Paul Ryan
for backing the Bush Bailout

Todd: the GOP has the biggest majority
since the 1920s and can get anything done

Voter: they're all squishes!

Voter: they're RINOs!

Voter: they're all liberal lite!

Voter: they promise to be
conservatives and then drink the
water and turn into liberal zombies

Trump: I drove John Boehner out!

Todd: Eric Brat drove out Eric Cantor
for being too soft and Charlie Dent
is a non-crazy Republican

Todd: welcome gentlemen –
please feel free to fight

Todd: Brat let's start with you and
your lunatic buddies – what do you want?

Brat: we have $100 trillion in 
unfunded liabilities!

Todd: okay

Brat: the American people want
us to cut Social Security!

Todd: got it

Brat: we also want to expel all immigrants

Todd: anything else

Brat: we'd like to repeal rules
on clean air and clean water

Dent: I understand what the Brat is 
saying but we still have to pay our debts

Brat: no!

Todd: no?

Brat: the American people want
us to slash spending!

Todd: I'm sure

Brat: the elite orchestrate chaos on
purpose so the Beltway class can
spend more and more

Todd: okay but you conservatives
are not even a majority of Republicans

Brat: yes we do – there are 153 of us!

Todd: how nice for you

Brat: even John Maynard Keynes said
you have pay off the debt in the rich good
economic years like we've had under Obama

Dent: stop whining you idiot

Todd: strong words Charlie

Dent: sorry but these assholes piss me off

Hewitt: a pox on both of you!

Hewitt: fie on ye jackanapes!

Hewitt: the world is on fire!

Hewitt: how dare you paralyze
Congress with the world at war!

Brat: fuck you Hugh

Hewitt: why don't you support
Paul Ryan and end the Syrian civil war?

Dent: hey I support Paul Ryan you dipshit

Robinson: isn't the Freedom Caucus
wrecking the fortunes of the 
Republican party?

Brat: yes but it doesn't matter –
eleven years America will cease to exist!

Todd: well okay then

Brat: I represent the American people
Charlie Dent represents lobbyists

Dent: suck my dick you you goatish measle

Brat: piss off you churlish knave

Dent: the world is on fire and
you want to shut down the government
you mewling half-wit

Brat: you support Nancy Pelosi
ye craven bootlicker

Dent: you sided with Pelosi on trade
and the budget you qualing lunkhead

Brat: that fawning rat-face backed
Pelosi on the Ex-Im bank!

Dent: I want to use Congress to save jobs
in Pennsylvania unlike that villianous unchin

Brat: that's crony capitalism
you beslubbering wench

Todd: what about Kevin McCarthy?

Brat: I love that inarticulate squish

Parker: do I get to talk?

Todd: no

[ break ]

Todd: omg Clinton has a huge lead in
Iowa but if we pretend Biden is running
she has a smaller lead!

Todd: same thing in New Hampshire!

Todd: Biden hurts Clinton!

Todd: if Biden runs would the
front runner be Bernie Sanders?

Parker: Todd I beg you – get some therapy

[ break ]


Todd: omg the Democrats are 
going to debate and Hillary is 
maybe possibly losing!

Todd: welcome Bernie Sanders

Sanders: nice to see you Chet

Todd: how can you change
Washington if Barak Obama couldn't?

Sanders: I respect Obama and he 
fixed the economy

Todd: okay

Sanders: but first we have
crush the corporate media

Todd: hey hey hey watch it buddy

Sanders: millions of people have
to fight the media and the top 1%

Todd: how do you do that?

Sanders: with millions of followers!

Todd: how do your ideas past
the Republican Congress?

Sanders: increase voter turnout
and create political revolution

Todd: um okay

Sanders: we will make the GOP look
out the window and see a million young
people marching on Washington and they 
will be terrified

Todd: Obama tried that with his
young followers and nothing happened

Sanders: yes but Obama is too nice
and tried to work with GOP but they
never intended to give him anything

Todd: true enough

Sanders: look I'll probably lose but
if I win I will have started the revolution

Todd: please bash Hillary Clinton for me

Sanders: I respect and like Clinton

Todd: Senator don't make ask again

Sanders: you're either with Big Money or you're against Big Money

Todd: I'm definitely with them

Sanders: for 25 years I've said
we should be break up the banks

Todd: you're saying Hillary Clinton 
cannot be trusted!

Sanders: no I'm not

Todd: that's what I heard

Sanders: I opposed the keystone
pipeline because you don't end
global warming by encouraging drilling

Todd: what about the big trade deal

Sanders: I've opposed all trade agreements

Todd: could you ever support any 
trade agreements?

Sanders: we're in a race to the bottom!


Sanders: this agreement was
written Wall Street and Big Pharma
we need to protect the environment

Todd: so who should write the agreements?

Sanders: Big Bird

Todd: you've never supported
any trade agreement

Sanders: correct

Todd: what about Syria?

Sanders: it's a quagmire inside of a quagmire

Todd: fascinating

Sanders: we should focus on ISIS

Todd: but you didn't support Obama on fighting ISIS

Sanders: because I don't want the U.S.
sucked into a land war in Asia

Todd: all right

Sanders: let the House of Saud get their hands dirty

Todd: I don't think that's a problem

Sanders: they have a huge defense budget!

Todd: you want Saudia Arabia
to puts troops on the ground

Sanders: darn right

Todd: you're okay with drones

Sanders: drones are just a tool

Todd: but you would use
a drone to kill a terrorist?

Sanders: sure thing

Todd: you're a moderate on guns

Sanders: I voted for background checks!

Todd: okay then

Sanders: I support common sense
gun reform and addressing mental health

Todd: how radical you are

Sanders: I am!

Todd: you're going to make us all socialists

Sanders: I have a pair of
pajamas just for you chuck!

Todd: are you a capitalist?

Sanders: no!

Todd: oh really

Sanders: I'm a democratic socialist

Todd: who are you considering
for your Vice President

Sanders: why – do you need a job?

Todd: seriously

Sanders: seriously – do you
expect me to answer that?

Todd: no


Sanders: okay then

[ break ]

Todd: Clinton is a total flip flopper!
She even supports gay marriage!

Clinton: the trade deal doesn't
meet my high standards

Todd: but Clinton supported the 
TPP in her book!

Todd: are you a calculating flip-flopper?

Clinton: no I change my mind
based on new facts

Todd: she's a flip-flopper isn't she?

Parker: of course – but maybe she 
really did change her mind because 
of new information

Todd: you disappoint me Kathy

Gonzales: Democrats think
Clinton will win the White House

Todd: just like Mitt Romney
who went on to lose!

Hewitt: Clinton is a criminal and
a disaster and she will lose

Robinson: yeah okay whatever Hugh

Todd: first McCarthy says
the Benghazi committee was just for
getting Hillary and now this this fired
aide says the same thing

Hewitt: I love the Benghazi committee!

Peter Hart: Biden should run
for one term and unite America

Parker: Obama tried that and
yet Alabama is still racist

Parker: the one-term thing is a good idea

Todd: I'm told if Biden doesn't run
then he won't be running

Gonzales: Democrats love Joe Biden
but want Clinton to be President

Todd: what about GOP on GOP violence?

Hewitt: General McChrystal and
Bill Kristol and Codi Rice should
unite the GOP in a cocoon of crazy

Parker: Paul Ryan is liked and brainy
but the crazies will destroy him

Robinson: if Ryan is the future of
the GOP – why would they want to 
ruin this poor lamb

Parker: Trump for Speaker –
he'll knock skulls around

Todd: what we don't talk about
when we don't talk about Ted Cruz

Gonzales: Ted Cruz is more likely to be
President than Donald Trump because
on paper he appeals to the right wing

Todd: but not in reality

Robinson: Cruz is plausible
but he's not an outsider

Parker: he's outsider enough
to be widely hated

Todd: Cruz can still win though!

Todd: we are still on the verge
of a Cruz Moment – mark my words

Todd: omg Mike Bloomberg didn't
completely rule out running for President!

Audience: bangs head on desk

Todd: rule outbreak

Bloomberg: I'm not running for President

Todd: it wasn't Sherman-esque!

Gonzales: dude he's not running

Todd: sure he's not –
but it's fun to talk about

Hewitt: I hope Bloomberg runs
the gun lobby will kill him

Todd: but not literally

Robinson: this is stupid –
he can't possibly get elected

Todd: doesn't this prove Clinton is weak?

Parker: yes – she's terrible

Todd: Sanders and Trump are crazy –
there is an opening for the middle centrists!

Gonzales: oh baloney

Parker: Obama is an extremist
who alienates independents

Hewitt: the whole world is at war!

Todd: and that's another
episode of Meet the Press

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