Face The Nation - November 9, 2014

Guests:

President Barack Obama

Former President George W. Bush

Bob Woodward

David Gergen

Michelle Norris

Peggy Noonan

Schieffer: thanks for inviting

me Mr President

Obama: thanks for coming Bob

Schieffer: you doubled

U.S. troops fighting ISIS in Iraq

Obama: ISIS has Saddam's

old military commanders

– they're very wily

Schieffer: that's so scary

Obama: we're going on the

fucking offense now Bob!

Schieffer: sounds promising

Obama: but Iraqi troops must

be the ones fighting ISIS

Schieffer: will U.S. troops fight with them?

Obama: no – it's time for Iraqi troops

to grow up and take the training wheels

off and fight ISIS on their own

Schieffer: is that a good idea?

Obama: yes because Americans

can kill anyone anywhere anytime

but then we leave wherever

we invaded and the domestic

troops left behind become sniveling weaklings

Schieffer: Harry Reid's staff blamed

you for all the losses on Tuesday

Obama: yes I feel terrible for

creating 10 million jobs

Schieffer: that sounds like

a lot but we're a nation of 300 million

Obama: that's more jobs than every

other advanced nation combined

Schieffer: are you counting the French

Obama: we've all got to

make Washington work

Schieffer: every successful President

enjoys politics but you don't twist

arms or even seem to like being President

Obama: if your name is Barack

Hussein Obama if you go into

politics you better like it

Schieffer: I don't follow

Obama: I didn't get into politics

because of my family name

Schieffer: oh I see

Obama: and by the way we

did twist some arms to pass

stimulus and Obamcare

Schieffer: fair point

Obama: oh and also if I'm so bad

at politics how did I win two elections

to the most-sought after office in America?

Schieffer: I'll give you that

Obama: look we have to tell

people what we've done right

Schieffer: what criticisms of

you are correct?

Obama: I just mentioned one

Schieffer: name another

Obama: I suppose I could reach

out to the GOP even more although

they are all fucking crazy

Schieffer: why not give the GOP

a chance to pass immigration reform?

Obama: they've had six years to

do what everyone knows we need to do

Schieffer: ok but other than

that what's the rush

Obama: eleven million people

are in limbo and we can't

deport all of them

Schieffer: maybe not

Obama: We worked hard to create

a bipartisan bill and by some miracle

it passed the Senate and John Boehner

wouldn't even let his members vote on it

Schieffer: so are you saying

the time has run out for Congress

to pass a law

Obama: no – I'm going to use

Executive action and I also expect

them to pass an immigration reform bill

Schieffer: you don't mean both?

Obama: oh yes I do

Schieffer: what a crazy idea

Obama: a law would override

any executive action on my part

so they should want to do it

Schieffer: we're going to have to

take a break while I try to conceptualize

this weird idea that Congress can

pass laws even after executive action

[ break ]

Schieffer: you sent a letter to

the leader of Iran – did he text you back?

Obama: we've done more than

any other administration to stop

Iran from getting a nuclear bomb

Schieffer: so you say

Obama: we added more sanctions

and their economy tanked and

they cried uncle

Schieffer: wow

Obama: now we are getting

them to promise not to make

a bomb and we may lift the sanctions

Schieffer: all right then

Obama: but we need their help

with ISIS if you catch my drift

Schieffer: I hear you

Obama: so thanks again for invading Iraq

– it really is the gift that keeps on giving

Schieffer: what about Assad –

have you given up on getting rid of him

Obama: yeah we're all about ISIL now

Schieffer: who?

Obama: you know them better

as Puff Daddy ISIS

Schieffer: you had a crazy-ass

summer with ebola and ISIS and

Derek Jeter's transfiguration

Obama: true but we've seen

tough times before like just before

I was sworn in and the whole 

world was in a depression

Schieffer: oh yeah I forgot all about that

Obama: for example we've also 

pretty much resolved ebola

Schieffer: oh yeah right – what is

that again a disease or something

Obama: remember we fixed

the Gulf oil spill too

Schieffer: I don't even remember that

Obama: I tell my team just work

hard every day and it will all work

out and I'm going to keep

Presidenting till the very end

Schieffer: what are your plans

for the next two years?

Obama: what do you mean?

Schieffer: like will you change

everything you've been doing?

Obama: um no Bob

Schieffer: oh c'mon the media are bored

Obama: I'll try to think of something 

to entertain you

Schieffer: you ran on hope and change

– is change harder than you thought?

Obama: I always knew change would be hard

Schieffer: you were right 

about something then

Obama: but change is also inevitable

Schieffer: I suppose that's true

Obama: I'm proud we've added

jobs faster than anyone else

and provided health care –

that was change and it's good

Schieffer: well okay

Obama: the American people

give me hope – no matter how

much shit gets piled on them they

just keep plugging away

Schieffer: pretty amazing

when you think about it

Obama: America is all about 

change and we don't fear 

the future – we grab it!

[ break ]

Schieffer: will your little brother 

run for President?

Bush: I hope he runs and I think

he'd be a better President even than me

Schieffer: you're settin' the bar kinda low

Bush: heh heh

Schieffer: what are the

chances that he runs?

Bush: I think it's about 50/50

or a possibly even a toss up

Schieffer: what's the best argument for Jeb?

Bush: he's not afraid to fail!

Schieffer: is it worth humiliating

your family just to be President

Bush: oh yes absolutely –

in fact that's the motto on

the Bush family crest

Schieffer: it was tough for you

to watch your Dad lose his

re-election bid

Bush: yes in fact it was easier

for me to fail epically than

for me to watch him fail

Schieffer: I can see that

Bush: but I did worry about my

daughters watching me wreck the country

Schieffer: I suppose that's a

problem each Bush generation

must deal with in turn

Bush: indeed it is Robert

Schieffer: would George H.W. Bush

have won without Ross Perot

splitting the anti-Bush vote?

Bush: yes because my dad had a

great first term and then there

would have been a clear choice

for those who were didn't like the

direction of the country but were

uncertain about an untested Governor

Schieffer: that makes no sense

Bush: don't mess with Texas!

Schieffer: your Dad went from 90%

approval to losing re-election

to a guy from Arkansas who grew

up in trailer park and had a string of affairs

Bush: that showed me that people

love war so you should have

several going on at once

Schieffer: you insist you didn't

invade Iraq just to finish the

job your daddy failed to do

Bush: that's right – I invaded Iraq

because Saddam was behind 9/11

Schieffer: but that isn't true

Bush: My dad was right not invade

Iraq and was I right to invade Iraq

and if Jeb builds a time machine to

preserve the Ottoman empire that

will also be right

Schieffer: were you surprised

Saddam Hussein didn't respond

to your ultimatum?

Bush: yes if he had only produced

his weapons of mass destruction

I wouldn't have invaded his country

Schieffer: but he didn't have any

Bush: that's a very poor excuse

Schieffer: good point

Bush: Saddam chose war!

Schieffer: can America survive

another Bush Presidency?

Bush: only one way to find out Bob

Schieffer: can your family survive it?

Laura Bush: the internet is full of vicious 

twitterers and bookfacers

Schieffer: yes it seems politics is so mean now

Bush: right – people can

say any outrageous thing and

never be held to account for it

Schieffer: like with the Swift Boating

Bush: exactly

Schieffer: will you campaign for Jeb?

Laura: confidentially Bob joining this

family has been an unending nightmare

Bush: I definitely will – the country

could use another optimistic

idiot impervious to all reason

Schieffer: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Schieffer: gosh George Bush

looks great doesn't he?

Norris: sure now he's out office

Noonan: retirement is a lot easier

than fighting wars and controlling

ebola and losing the midterms

Woodward: Obama didn't use

the word 'listen' which is appalling

Gergen: everyone loves

George W. Bush now that he

can't wreck the country anymore

Schieffer: good point Gergs

Gergen: Obama is very calculated

in the words he uses

Schieffer: well he is the

President of the United States

Gergen: maybe but Bush is

just more fun to be around

Noonan: Obama isn't going to change

so we're just going get more of the

same last six years of job growth

which we just can't afford

Norris: don't count Obama out –

he's a competitive guy

Gergen: Obama is going to

throw out a hand grenade!

Schieffer: even the Washington Post

attacks Obama and they're liberals

Woodward: I work at the Washington Post

and even I think that's bullshit

Schieffer: really?

Woodward: yes it's been a

conservative newspaper for years

Schieffer: oh I stopped

paying attention in 1975

Woodward: well it is and by the

way Obama has a pretty good

economic track record

Schieffer: hmm maybe the GOP

bears some blame too

Norris: the GOP wants

to be less immature

Woodward: but Obama is the

boss of Washington so GOP

intransigence is all his fault

Schieffer: how come no one is

talking about Obama putting

some more troops in Iraq

Noonan: the timing of that

announcement is very suspicious

Schieffer: for reals Peggers?

Noonan: the GOP made clear

Obama is going to poison the well

which made me so sad I had

to make myself another martini

Gergen: the President is a loser

so he must be graceful and not

spit in the Republican's face

Schieffer: shouldn't Harry Reid resign?

Woodward: yes because Obama

won't listen to anyone and also

he's uppity and not humble enough

Schieffer: so true

Woodward: I think Obama is

capable of abasing himself

before the Beltway press

corps which is all we ask

Norris: um can I just say that is

utter bullshit and if he ever

showed the slightest humility

all of you people sitting at this

table would call the President weak

Noonan: moi?

Norris: damn fucking right

you drunken hypocrite

Schieffer: Michelle may

have a point there

Gergen: leave me out of this

Woodward: don't look at me Bob

Schieffer: and that's this week's

episode of Face The Nation