Sunday, November 16, 2014

Meet The Press – November 16, 2014

Sylvia Burwell – Sec. of HHS
Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-LA)
Dr. Toby Cosgrove – President and CEO Cleveland Clinic
Anne Thompson
Avik Roy
Neera Tanden
Carly Fiorina
Helene Cooper
Reid Wilson

Todd: OMG an American aid
worker may have been killed by ISIS

Audience: shit

Todd: he converted to Islam
while in captivity

Engel: the video shows other
beheadings although not his

Todd: cripes

Engel: Peter Kassig was a former
U.S. Soldier who went to the area 
to help people

Todd: wow

Engel: the Iraqi military is infiltrated
by terrorists and Iranians and 
other assorted wackos

Engel: some Iraqi units are striking at ISIS
but others are actually Iranian death squads

Todd: thanks Richard

Engel: you too Chuck

[ break ]

Todd: ok enough about that
unpleasantness – let's talk domestic politics

Todd: Obama and the GOP are going to war
it's going to be a bumpy ride!

Audience: wheeeee

Todd: the President is doubling down!

Obama: it's so on right now

Boehner: we will fight Obama tooth and nail

Obama: you can't handle the tooth!

Todd: the Obamacare website
didn't work at first but it did get 
7 million sign ups

Todd: on the other hand Republicans
still hate the law and want to take
it apart brick by brick

Todd: and the conservative Supreme
Court could still cripple the law

[ break ]

Todd: Sylvia how's the new
enrollment coming along?

Burwell: we've got 100,000 new sign-ups
and 500,000 older sign ups

Todd: what's the big problem?

Burwell: people forget their passwords

Todd: oh I can relate to that –
my password for everything
now is 'chuckyscratchybeard'

Burwell: good Todd but you
need at least one numeral

Todd: why do people hate the law so much?

Burwell: people actually like the provisions
of the law like a ban on pre-existing conditions

Todd: so why are predicting you
will fail to get 13 million new users

Burwell: because people are sticking
with employer-based health insurance

Todd: Jon Gruber helped write
Romneycare and Obamacare and
he said the law's complexity is
based on stupidity of American voter

Burwell: you know I think he's wrong

Todd: maybe but then again
'Real Housewives' is a hit franchise

Burwell: this week one million people
used to website to do window-shopping
for health insurance

Todd: will you have holiday
decorations in your windows?

Burwell: no it's a website

Todd: another front in the war on christmas

Burwell: we are very transparent!

Todd: did you really just throw stuff 
at the wall to see what sticks?

Burwell: we threw in a lot of stuff
conservatives wanted

Todd: will you welome Mr. Gruber back?

Burwell: if I were Gruber I would
not show my face in Washington D.C.
unless he wants to wake up at the 
bottom of the Potomac

Todd: thanks for coming

[break ]

Todd: welcome Bobby

Jindal: hi Chuck

Todd: why not expand Medicaid?

Jindal: we don't want the
government running health care!

Todd: all right then

Jindal: Medicaid was created to
help sick people and not healthy people

Todd: I see

Jindal: we just can't afford to 
insure healthy people!

Todd: but why turn down free cash?

Jindal: insuring people in my state
would be a total waste of money

Todd: but other GOP governors
took the free money

Jindal: Louisiana is just too
poor to take free money

Todd: meanwhile you still have
lots of people with no insurance

Jindal: well that's not my fault

Todd: no?

Jindal: look government fails at everything

Todd: so do you want to abolish Medicaid?

Jindal: no I just want to limit it to
sick people – why would we give
health care to people who are healthy??

Todd: should the Republicans
shut down the government?

Jindal: yes but if they did it would
really be Obama shutting down the
government it by making the Republicans do it

Todd: you're torturing the english language

Jindal: Obama lost the 2014 elections
therefore he should do what 
Republicans want to do

Todd: okay

Jindal: Obama will break law the 
but we shouldn't shut down 
the government over it

Todd: ah-ha you said “we”

Jindal: dammit

Todd: you're incredibly unpopular in Louisiana
so why would pretend you're running for President

Jindal: Obama is a communist

Todd: you grew the debt so how is
your record any better than Obama's

Jindal: we have balanced budgets

Todd: you're legally required to

Jindal: we have a good credit rating!

Todd: all right

Jindal: when I was elected Louisiana
was doing terribly and now the 
economy is roaring

Todd: sounds like your state is
doing great under President Obama

Jindal: ack

[ break ]

Todd: damn Obama is newly
energized and is going on offense!

Obama: I'm fired up!

Todd: with time running out for
a legacy Obama has put his liberal fists up!

Obama: game on GOP!

Todd: Obama has come out
swinging on net neutrality and
climate change and immigration

McConnell: ah cain't buhlieve it

McConnell: he's wahvin a rehd
flahg in frohnt a bhuull

Obama: how about this – hold a vote!

Todd: Obama is free to fire up the
base and he's ready to pick a fight
even with conservative Democrats!

Landrieu: I want the pipeline!

Obama: why do we need to pollute
America just so Canada can sell oil to China?

[ break ]

Todd: panel should Obama veto the pipeline?

Matthews: white people love pipes

Todd: Obama doesn't look
sad he looks happy

Cooper: he wants to get things
done and has no more fucks to give

Todd: what should Republicans do?

Fiorina: the American want this pipeline
it creates jobs

Todd: not everyone agrees

Fiorina: Obama said it wouldn't
which is bizarre

Todd: what should Republicans do now?

Fiorina: the GOP should be sober
and calm and not act like jackasses
which only helps Obama

Todd: interesting angle

Fiorina: the GOP should point out to
hispanics that Obama hates them
with his unbelievable cynicism

Wilson: it's better for Mary Landireu
if Obama vetoes the pipeline

Todd: it helps her to totally fail
to deliver for her state?

Wilson: yes because it distances her
even more from the black guy

Todd: amazing

[ break ]

Todd: in the midterms turnout was
way down and likely changed the
outcome of the election in favor of Republicans!

Todd: for example 20% of young
people voted in 2012 and in 2014
only 14% did

Todd: also black turnout was down 2%
which cost Democrats in the elections

Todd: some say you need Barack Obama
at the top of the ticket and that's a
problem for Democrats because
he won't be running in 2016

[ break ]

Texas official: Obamacare is a trap!

Illinois citizen: the ACA is a saved our lives!

Texas businessman: we can't afford
to provide employees health insurance
which is sad because I love them

Thompson: Texas has the most 
uninsured of any state

Texas official: we should provide
health insurance to poor people
but not with Obama's name on it

Illinois citizen: you try going without 
insurance for two years!

Illinois citizen: to have the fear of
bankruptcy lifted is fantastic

Illinois official: the law saves lives!

[ break ]

Todd: panel talk Obamacare to me

Cosgrove: costs are coming down
and quality is going up and of course
more people have health insurance

Roy: costs are going up!

Todd: but the doom and gloom
critics predicted didn't happen

Roy: hospitals are merging to 
crush poor citizens

Tanden: we have actual data and
numbers premiums are coming down
due to pressure from Obamacare rules

Todd: is that right?

Cosgrove: yes but what we need
is people involved in their own care

Todd: I see

Cosgrove: the American people
are a bunch of lazy fast-food eating 
soda drinking unhealthy fuckers

Todd: how would you advise the GOP?

Roy: bring hospital costs down
which are much higher in America
than in other countries

Tanden: the next step is address
how much individuals are paying for their care

Cosgrove: we have a doctor shortage!

Todd: we're such wonks and nerds and geeks

[ break ]

Todd: Carly should the GOP
keep trying to repeal Obamacare?

Fiorina: yes because deductibles are high

Todd: I see

Fiorina: this law is longer than a
Harry Potter novel so of course
no one understands it!

Todd: I never did figure out why Harry
had to compete in the tri-wizard tournament

Fiorina: Obamacare is crony capitalism!

Todd: what's the solution?

Fiorina: do whatever the
insurance companies want to do

Wilson: passing the most significant
health care law in modern history
will plague Obama forever

Matthews: the problem is the same
as immigration – there are many people
who don't really want to solve the problem

Todd: Obama and Putin cuddled with koalas!

Matthews: Reagan was right
there really is a bear!

Todd: Carly are you running for President?

Fiorina: people keep begging me to run

Todd: sounds like you're running!

Fiorina: I have to Chuck – 
the people have spoken

Todd: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It is so hard to hold back the convulsive and read. Thank you for summarizing, highlighting, and exposing the hilarity that Chuck Todd calls us wonks, nerds, and geeks