Sunday, November 10, 2013

Meet The Press – November 10, 2013

Sec. John Kerry (State)
Gov. Chris Christie (R-NJ)
Sen. Bob Corker (R-TN)
Rep. Donna Edwards (D-MD)
Joe Scarborough
Mark Halperin
Doris Goodwin

Gregory: OMG John Kerry did not
make a deal to end Iran nuclear arms

Gregory: Hi John

Kerry: Hi David

Gregory: can you make a deal with Iran?

Kerry: yes – we just need to
hammer out the modalities

Gregory: what does that mean?

Kerry: we use what I call 'exhaust diplomacy'

Gregory: what is that?

Kerry: where I keep talking until you are
exhausted and agree to give up your 
entire nuclear program and also
throw in a plate of hummus

Gregory: is Iran playing games while
they plan to nuke Martha's vineyard
and will that impact my property values?

Kerry: no we just need to work on the
wording of the agreement – you know
this is serious business Fluffy!

Gregory: yeah yeah yeah

Kerry: remember this is a new
Iran government – we need time

Gregory: but I want a deal now!

Kerry: there's no rush – we need to get it right

Gregory: Bibi wants to crush Iran
before we can lift sanctions

Kerry: well he's an idiot

Gregory: perhaps but I like him

Kerry: let me be perfectly clear –
we have to two deals – a current architecture
deal and the hopefully another guarantee
deal for a non-growing nuclear program

Gregory: thanks for being perfectly clear

Kerry: look it's not to much to ask to try
diplomacy before we start another war

Gregory: what's the rush – why not
punish Iran some more?

Kerry: Fluffy the point of sanctions
is not to make Iranians suffer

Gregory: what's the point of being a big
empire if you can't inflict a little needless
suffering now and then?

Kerry: sure – but the reason to have
the sanctions is to bring them to
the negotiating table – well here they are

Gregory: but punishing Iranians is so fun

Kerry: don't worry we are doing that
but also trying to achieve something

Gregory: I'm worried that you and Obama
are being suckered by these wily Persians

Kerry: you're a moron

Gregory: but you're not skeptical!

Kerry: you're one to talk about being skeptical

Gregory: ha

Kerry: look Fluffy we're not stupid

Gregory: but you're rushing into a bad deal

Kerry: you moron we didn't even make a deal!

Gregory: you're weak!

Kerry: shut up Fluffers

Gregory: Obama is weak and abandons
friends and allows Syria to commit murder
and is reluctant to use America's
awesome military power

Kerry: Hey stupid – Obama was the one
who wanted to bomb Syria and Republicans
got skittish and told him not to use force –
do you even remember that?!?

Gregory: but Obama is weak and
Republicans are strong

Kerry: Ask Qaddafi and bin Laden about that

Gregory: but Republicans are manly
and Democrats are weak!

Kerry: that's mythology you dumbass

Gregory: you said you don't think
Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone

Kerry: I'm Secretary of State and can't say more

Gregory: but do you think it was the CIA,
the mafia, the USSR or Cuba?

Kerry: yes

Gregory: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Gregory: what about Iran?

Corker: clearly Iran is about to build a
nuclear bomb and Obama doesn't care

Gregory: right

Corker: Obama is about to give
away the store because he wants
to give muslims a bomb

Gregory: so should we have more sanctions?

Corker: I don't trust those wily Arabs

Gregory: I don't blame you

Corker: all of us want to see diplomacy
but Barack Obama is always ready to
jump in the arms of terrorists

Gregory: we all know that

Corker: think about it – if Obama eases
sanctions it will like when Obama
gave North Korea the bomb and
they nuked Topeka

Gregory: they did?

Corker: I think I saw it on '60 Minutes'

[ break ]

Gregory: Welcome Chris -- there 
is a lot of excitement about 
you all over America!

Christie: I know David!

Gregory: how can you impact the country?

Christie: people want politicians to
get the job done and that's what I do

Gregory: clearly you are a shy man
but can you save the Republican party?

Christie: look I am much too modest
to talk about those things

Gregory: give it a try

Christie: if you go to black people
and talk to them they may even listen to you

Gregory: wow!

Christie: I know!

Gregory: you would lose to Hillary
Clinton in New Jersey

Christie: it's a blue state and I'm
a Republican – suck it!

Gregory: okay

Christie: blacks, hispanics, students,
young people – they all voted for me

Gregory: are you a moderate or a conservative?

Christie: we added over 140,000 jobs

Gregory: that's not much in a state of 6 million

Christie: fuck you Fluffy!

Gregory: the Wall Street Journal points
out you have a terrible jobs record

Christie: but we cut business taxes

Gregory: but it didn't work

Christie: look stupid if I had done a
good job I wouldn't have run again

Gregory: sound logic indeed

Gregory: what about Obamacare?

Christie: I knew Obamacare would fail
that's why I didn't set up state-run exchanges

Gregory: that makes perfect sense

Christie: I have boldly called on Obama
to tell the truth – I always tell the
people in New Jersey the hard truths!

Gregory: like what happened with New Jersey
transit trains during Superstorm Sandy?

Christie: if you ask me that again I
promise I will rip off your goddamn
head and piss on your brain

Gregory: okay okay

Christie: don't push me Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: Joe do you think Chris Christie
would marry me if I asked him?

Scarborough: I miss Colin Powell
and Ronald Reagan

Gregory: so do I

Scarborough: Republicans need to stop
attacking each and start getting together
and winning like a football team

Gregory: which one is Richie Incognito?

Halperin: Chris Christie is magical –
and he's a leader – he's like
Albus Dumbledore meets Tony Soprano

Goodwin: Christie is just like Teddy Roosevelt
both were blunt, fighters and
were called communists by other Republicans

Edwards: he's not President yet

Gregory: why are you anti-Christie Donna?

Gregory: I'm bored with praising Christie
let's bash Obama

Scarborough: Obama botched the website!

Goodwin: both sides are rooting the
other side to fail and people are hurt

Gregory: Obama apologized!
Mark Halperin is that enough?

Halperin: not to overstate the case but
Obama's entire Presidency is on the line
in the next few days – it will be a total 
failure if he can't get the tea party like 
him in the next ten days

Gregory: what happens if Obamacare fails?
What is the plan for that?

Edwards: what happens when people
realize David Gregory is full of it? What's the plan?

Scarborough: I try not to be partisan and
Republicans will tell you that I am not partisan

Gregory: oh sure

Scarborough: but Obama rammed
the individual mandate
down Republicans' throats

Gregory: Kerry says Lee Oswald 
may not have acted alone

Goodwin: we have a need to believe
in a conspiracy to give the assassination
a larger meaning

Gregory: that's somewhat patronizing

Goodwin: although my husband
thinks it was the mafia and I think
it was the New York Yankees

Gregory: Joe I am so thrilled to cover
your book about we can help the
Republican party thrive

Scarborough: I'm thrilled too David

Gregory: we've got to help the
Republican party win!

Scarborough: we've got to come up
with a big agenda and big plans and
stop electing amateurs

Gregory: sadly Americans do like
government sometimes

Scarborough: we used to win Presidential
elections easily – because people trusted
Republicans to be strong and smart
and show good judgment

Gregory: now – not so much

Scarborough: right – if we don't change
Obama and Hillary Clinton will have
16 years to choose Supreme Court
justices and that will transform
politics for 50 years

Gregory: you sound worried

Scarborough: I love the shutdown but it
was bad tactics – like running the
football on 4th and 31 because
you think it makes you more of a man

Gregory: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

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