Sunday, April 14, 2013

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - April 14, 2013

Host: Jonathan Karl
Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)
Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL)
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)

Karl: wow could we have an immigration bill?

Rubio: yes - possibly this week!

Karl: wow - is this a just gift to illegal people?

Rubio: no it's very punitive – after 10 years
all you get is the chance to apply for a green card

Karl: but other Republicans say this rewards
criminals for their dastardly crimes

Rubio: not true – rest assured it's very mean
and tough and also we will secure the border

Karl: but first we let all the illegals
stay which is bad

Rubio: well they're already here and it's
kind of hard to deport 10 million people

Karl: but they're all criminals!

Rubio: well blame the policies that were
put in place when I was in 9th grade

Karl: aren't you just trying to rescue the
Republican party from demographic death?

Rubio: the Republican party has always 
been about one thing

Karl: what's that?

Rubio: USA! USA!

Karl: you used to support background checks

Rubio: we have background checks now

Karl: no we don't

Rubio: well anyway we shouldn't have
background checks because the current
system doesn't work

Karl: that doesn't make any sense

Rubio: criminals don't care about the law -
that's why they're crooks

Karl: ok so we should have no laws ever

Rubio: I like it

Karl: it's a plan

Rubio: the problem is violence and
we need to discuss violence

Karl: you say Jay-Z should not have
the freedom to visit other countries

Rubio: Che Guevara was a racist!

Karl: got it

Rubio: hip hop artists are being repressed in Cuba

Karl: sounds bad

Rubio: tourist trips help tyrannical regimes!

Karl: thanks for coming Marco

[ break ]

Karl: Jeff you don't like this proposal
to let illegal immigrants stay

Sessions: we cannot give all these Mexicans amnesty

Karl: oh my

Sessions: it will drive down wages on poor people

Karl: jeepers

Sessions: I greatly worry about 
poor African-Americans

Karl: clearly

Schumer: everyone's on board –
the farmers and the workers and
the pod people

Karl: liberals say you are giving up too much
- like waiting 10 years before you get a green card

Schumer: well it's better than the current
system where illegals take jobs away
from hard-working Americans

Sessions: top economists say immigration
will hurt poor Americans

Schumer: earth to Jeff Sessions: 
we have illegal immigration now

Sessions: we're going to bring in a massive supply of immigrants!

Schumer: they're here now you dumbass

Karl: Chuck you're not getting an assault weapons ban are you?

Schumer: probably not - but at least 
we'll get background checks

Karl: you also failed to get all Democrats
on board because to some of them believe guns
are a totally awesome way of life

Schumer: that's true but we may get some Republicans

Sessions: illegal immigrants scare me!

Karl: we're talking about guns now Jeffrey

Session: Obama isn't enforcing illegal
immigrant crimes! He isn't enforcing gun crimes!

Karl: Chuck Anthony Weiner was your protege
should he run for Mayor?

Schumer: no comment!

Karl: oh come on really Chuck

Schumer: no comment!

Karl: what a weasel