Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)
Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL)
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
Karl: wow could we have an immigration bill?
Rubio: yes - possibly this week!
Karl: wow - is this a just gift to illegal people?
Rubio: no it's very punitive – after 10 years
all you get is the chance to apply for a green card
Karl: but other Republicans say this rewards
criminals for their dastardly crimes
Rubio: not true – rest assured it's very mean
and tough and also we will secure the border
Karl: but first we let all the illegals
stay which is bad
Rubio: well they're already here and it's
kind of hard to deport 10 million people
Karl: but they're all criminals!
Rubio: well blame the policies that were
put in place when I was in 9th grade
Karl: aren't you just trying to rescue the
Republican party from demographic death?
Rubio: the Republican party has always
been about one thing
Karl: what's that?
Rubio: USA! USA!
Karl: you used to support background checks
Rubio: we have background checks now
Karl: no we don't
Rubio: well anyway we shouldn't have
background checks because the current
system doesn't work
Karl: that doesn't make any sense
Rubio: criminals don't care about the law -
that's why they're crooks
Karl: ok so we should have no laws ever
Rubio: I like it
Karl: it's a plan
Rubio: the problem is violence and
we need to discuss violence
Karl: you say Jay-Z should not have
the freedom to visit other countries
Rubio: Che Guevara was a racist!
Karl: got it
Rubio: hip hop artists are being repressed in Cuba
Karl: sounds bad
Rubio: tourist trips help tyrannical regimes!
Karl: thanks for coming Marco
[ break ]
Karl: Jeff you don't like this proposal
to let illegal immigrants stay
Sessions: we cannot give all these Mexicans amnesty
Karl: oh my
Sessions: it will drive down wages on poor people
Sessions: I greatly worry about
Schumer: everyone's on board –
the farmers and the workers and
the pod people
Karl: liberals say you are giving up too much
- like waiting 10 years before you get a green card
Schumer: well it's better than the current
system where illegals take jobs away
from hard-working Americans
Sessions: top economists say immigration
will hurt poor Americans
Schumer: earth to Jeff Sessions:
we have illegal immigration now
Sessions: we're going to bring in a massive supply of immigrants!
Schumer: they're here now you dumbass
Karl: Chuck you're not getting an assault weapons ban are you?
Schumer: probably not - but at least
we'll get background checks
Karl: you also failed to get all Democrats
on board because to some of them believe guns
are a totally awesome way of life
Schumer: that's true but we may get some Republicans
Sessions: illegal immigrants scare me!
Karl: we're talking about guns now Jeffrey
Session: Obama isn't enforcing illegal
immigrant crimes! He isn't enforcing gun crimes!
Karl: Chuck Anthony Weiner was your protege
– should he run for Mayor?
Schumer: no comment!
Karl: oh come on really Chuck
Schumer: no comment!
Karl: what a weasel