Sunday, August 26, 2012

Meet The Press - August 26, 2012

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)
Gov. Jan Brewer (R-AZ)
Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Chair DNC)
Chuck Todd
Mike Murphy

Gregory: OMG the Storm of the Century
is headed right for the Republican Convention

Reporter: The Cone of Weather Silence
is going to smash Tampa

Gregory: incredible

Reporter: here you can see Isaac is
going to soak Florida with margaritas
and Gopher will overwhelm them with
his boyish charm

Gregory: Senator McCain God also
sent a hurricane to your convention in 2008

McCain: believe me I know - but on
the upside fewer people will see
Republicans speaking
on their television

Gregory: does it look bad to have a
big party during a storm

McCain: it would but trust me this is
not exactly a fun time

Gregory: Todd Akin is a little nuts but
he’s not getting out of the race

McCain: we’re gonna take this dumb fucker out!

Gregory: ha I love it

McCain: incredibly Romney is almost
tied with Barack Obama even will all
the stupid stuff Republicans keep saying

Gregory: Is Mitt Romney trying to reach
out to racists in his party with
his birther statements

McCain: no one has a sense of humor anymore
- Obama is black and may not be eligible to
be President  - ha ha ha

Gregory: Romney is not popular among
the human demographic

McCain: poor poor Mitt Romney has
been abused by Obama’s
big swinging spending

Gregory: so how does Mitt Romney win?

McCain: we have to tell young women to
forget about rights to their body and
blame Obama is they don’t have a job

Gregory: good luck with that

[ break ]

Gregory: Jeb Bush you guaranteed
a Romney victory

Bush: indeed he will win as long we don’t
talk about anything that isn’t good
for Mitt Romney

Gregory: abortion has become a big issue

Bush: abortion - what’s that??

Gregory: Todd Akin refused to leave even
after the GOP tried to have him killed

Bush: pay no attention to the zygote
in the corner

Gregory: does this hurt the image
of the party?

Bush: people only care about the debt
and unemployment which Obama
caused all by himself

Gregory: Mitt Romney is less popular
than he was six months ago

Bush: that’s because Barack Obama
is unspeakably mean

Gregory: what will you talk about when
you give your speech?

Bush: I will be setting myself up to
run in 2016 by talking about education
which everyone loves

Gregory: how exciting

Bush: Obama keeps dividing America by
saying people didn’t build things and
instead saying it’s all communal

Gregory: how sad he keeps dividing
people by talking how we are all part of
a larger community

Bush: it’s terrible

Gregory: Mitt Romney has 0% of the
African-American vote

Bush: but Romney is popular among white men!

Gregory: oh believe me I know

Gregory: will Florida’s vote-counting
incompetence ruin another Presidential election?

Bush: probably

Gregory: what’s the secret to winning in Florida?

Bush: drill for oil and let immigrants
stay if the get a master’s degree

Gregory: what about a bachelor’s

Bush: no way - I’ve seen the partying
at the University of Florida - those kids
aren’t learning anything

Gregory: what else?

Bush: cut Social Security!

Gregory: would you consider raising
taxes to tackle the debt

Bush: no that would be foolhardy

Gregory: but you say we need to find
common ground to solve big problems

Bush: right - what I meant was liberals
agreeing to whatever Republicans want to do

Gregory: of course

Bush: for example we could
compromise on cutting social security

Gregory: what else

Bush: we could all agree to cut the debt
by cutting taxes and regulations

Gregory: I like what I’m hearing

Bush: the reason the economy is weak
is because of liberal politicians like
that idiot George W. Bush

Gregory: how do we reform Medicare?

Bush: we must fight back against
demagogues and also attack Obama
for cutting Medicare

Gregory: so clever

Bush: the GOP is very popular among
old people because we promise not
give them the wonderful choice to
have a voucher program

Gregory: should we crack down
on illegal immigrants?

Bush: Obama has reduced immigration to zero

Gregory: that’s news to me

Gregory: meanwhile the GOP is
losing Hispanic voters

Bush: that’s because many Republicans are idiots

Gregory: would you like to be President?

Bush: I never think about it except during
Thanksgiving when Mom makes me sit
at the little kids table with all the other
losers who have never lived in the White House

Gregory: Obama blames the economy
on your brother

Bush: it’s very unbecoming

Gregory: so very rude of him

Bush: he should offer fresh solutions like a
jobs bill or invading a country

Gregory: what is the Bush family legacy?

Bush: at the Bush family we don’t
talk about the L word

Gregory: oh you should - that’s a great tv show

Bush: my father and brother may have
been terrible Presidents but I will learn
from their mistakes

Gregory: how does it make you feel knowing
they have ruined the Bush family name
for generations to come

Bush: [ sobs ]
I was the smart one! me! it’s not fair!

Gregory: there there Jeb

Bush: you can’t keep us down!
The Bush will rise again!

Gregory: thanks for coming

Bush: thank you Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: The Republicans have arrived
in Florida and Tampa is a disaster area
and also a storm is coming

Todd: the show must go on!

Gregory: this is a really big opportunity for
Romney to convince people he is human

Murphy: this is his etch-a-sketch moment!

Gregory: our polls show that 35% don’t
like Mitt Romney and 22% believe he is an android

Brewer: we must introduce Mitt to the people

Gregory: isn’t it a little late for that Jan

Brewer: people are too busy looking for a
job to figure out who Mitt Romney is

Gregory: Team Obama tore Romney
down with negative ads

Wasserman-Schultz: the GOP destroyed
America four years ago remember

Gregory: Bill Clinton won the election
at the convention in 1992 with an amazing
speech where he talked about hope and
didn’t have sex

Todd: that was unusual - there will be
no bump this year because $500 million
has already been spent

Gregory: what don’t people know
about Mitt Romney

Murphy: Romney never murdered anyone!

Gregory: well that’s something

Murphy: Democrats have thrown in the
towel on defending Obama - the whole election
is about whether Mitt Romney and the
GOP are acceptable

Gregory: meanwhile the GOP is reaching out
to people on abortion and immigration

Brewer: the Democrats are waging a class
warfare war on rich women

Gregory: um ok

Brewer: in Arizona we believe in small
government stopping people and
demanding their citizenship papers

Wasserman-Schlutz: this is a metaphorical
window in their soul of the GOP - and a
real window into the hard drive of Mitt Romney

Gregory: the GOP is alienating Hispanic voters

Murphy: I never read the GOP platform but
I did read the Democratic platform and
they didn’t close Gitmo like they promised

Todd: the Democrats have turned this
into values election

Murphy: Obama wants to make this election
about trivial issue like whether Mitt Romney
will turn America over to our new
Robot-Machine Overlords

Gregory: will he do that?

Murphy: the American people don’t care -
they only want to know if they will have a
good job when the Internet Devices become
self-aware and enslave us all

Gregory: no one fluffs like me

Murphy: we all know that

Gregory: Todd Akin is crazy and seems
to be hurting the GOP

Murphy: Mitt Romney will give every fetus a job!

Gregory: this race is dead even!

Todd: actually Obama has a huge advantage
in the electoral college - Romney must win
Ohio or he’s screwed

Murphy: Romney must now reach
out to independents

Todd: well he’s losing Republican women

Brewer: the GOP loves women and
all the women issues

Gregory: I see

Brewer: women want the Republican
economy back!

Gregory: Romney leads by 6% on the
issue of changing Washington

Wasserman: well duh he’s not the incumbent

Greg: how do you answer the charge
that Obama is losing

Wasserman-Schultz: he’s not

Gregory: I think Americans are hungry
for a Man of Action

Murphy: damn right - Ryan is a workout fiend

Todd: Ryan is a Congressman and
people hate Congress

Murphy: dammit

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press



ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Gregory: Jeb Bush you guaranteed
a Romney victory

Bush: indeed he will win as long we don’t
talk about anything that isn’t good
for Mitt Romney

Gregory: abortion has become a big issue

Bush: abortion - what’s that??

So much better to skip the show and read the summary, CoT!

quax said...

Brilliant! This way I can actually enjoy the interviews.