Tom Donilon - National Security Advisor
Husain Haqqani - Pakistan Amb. to the U.S.
Amanpour: this week the whole world was transfixed by one story - Kate & Wills got hitched - oh the U.S. also got Osama bin Laden!
Raddatz: Osama bin Laden spent the last 5 years watching Dancing With The Stars and using
Just For Men hair coloring
Raddatz: also they got the largest number of
Netflix videos ever seized from a terrorist
Donilon: Our special forces are highly trained to pick up DVDs after blowing people away
Amanpour: were any imminent threats found on thumb drives?
Donilon: I can’t say - but this is the greatest success against al-qaeda since Bush dressed up like Maverick from Top Gun for Halloween
Amanpour: please defend the many failures
of this mission
Donilon: Obama made the big decision to
take out bin Laden and it fucking worked
Amanpour: Bush thinks he deserves all the credit because he tortured people
Donilon: so why didn’t he take Osama out in 2008
Amanpour: well are you going to start
Donilon: I’m sitting through this interview aren’t I?
Amanpour: What about poor misjudged
Donilon: after he got bin Laden the first person Obama called was George Bush
Amanpour: to congratulate him?
Donilon: to gloat over that incompetent white fucker!
Amanpour: Did the Pakistan government know where bin Laden was?
Donilon: Well he was found living near the capital and he had a Frequent Shopper card at the
Pakistani West Point Costco
Amanpour: that seems like a problem
Donilon: true but more terrorists have been killed in Pakistan than anywhere else
Amanpour: what a relief
Donilon: it’s a start
Amanpour: would you violate Pakistan’s
Donilon: hmm let me think - hell fucking yes
Amanpour: Can we leave Afghanistan now?
Donilon: what’s the rush?
[ break ]
Amanpour: Did the Pakistan government know bin Laden was in Pakistan?
Haqqani: we have many has-beens from the 80’s - Osama bin Laden, Victoria Jackson, Carrot Top
Amanpour: well that all looks bad
Haqqani: did some things fall through the cracks? absolutely - what are you going to do?
Amanpour: how is the internal investigation going
Haqqani: heads will roll - I mean that literally
Amanpour: that sounds serious
Haqqani: Obama said we were very helpful
Amanpour: are you torturing Osama’s wives
Haqqani: man you Americans are really into torture aren’t you
Amanpour: John Yoo ruined us all
Haqqani: well it’s pretty distasteful
Amanpour: will you let us torture them if you won’t?
Haqqani: cripes you’re insatiable
Amanpour: is it ok if the U.S. violates your sovereignty again?
Haqqani: well it makes the Pakistani leaders
look really bad
Amanpour: the U.S. taxpayer is giving you billions in aid - that gives us the right to send in
Special Forces 6 times a year
Haqqani: we’re checking into that
[ break ]
Amanpour: We got bin Laden - should we be more terrified over the threat of terrorism?
Thomas: yes - a mall near you will probably
be shot up
Raddatz: Obama has authorized more drone strikes over Pakistan, Afghanistan, Yemen, and Detroit
Tapper: the White House loves those crazy Pakistanis
Amanpour: but they don’t trust them
Tapper: but we need them to let our CIA contractors go when they kill people
Raddatz: right - they’ve been giving us good information that bin Laden was not in their country
Thomas: but the ISI may have been behind the
Tapper: I heard that
Thomas: also the Times Square bomber
Tapper: other than those they’re great friends
Thomas: Bin Laden’s plan was to get Americans turn on each other and accuse fellow citizens of outrageous nonsense
Amanpour: well that worked out well
Raddatz: Bush wasn’t worried because he was in a cave - turns out Osama had a rocking man-cave
Tapper: the most amazing part of this story is that I didn’t know about it
Raddatz: even the FBI director and Saint Petraeus didn’t know about it
Amanpour: damm Obama can keep a secret
Tapper: he kept America in the dark on where he was born for three years
Raddatz: I was surprised Osama had no security
Amanpour: but he had an acre of pot
Tapper: that explains the roomful of cheetos
Thomas: for the young people of America bin Laden has been the great enemy their whole lives - 9/11 was dagger in the heart of America and Obama just pulled it out
Amanpour: thanks everyone for coming