Tom Donilon - National Security Advisor
Gregory: wow look at these tapes the U.S. seized tapes of bin Laden getting an Extreme Makeover
Donilon: we seized his entire VHS collection including all three Karate Kids, Backs to the Future, Red Dawn and The Last Starfighter
Gregory: my god what else
Donilon: we got all his vinyl LPs including the
entire Michael Jackson collection
Gregory: wow even Off The Wall
- was he an operational leader?
Gregory: no bin Laden
Donilon: probably we’re still sifting through his collection of thumb drives and his 8-tracks
Gregory: will Amtrak be bombed soon?
Donilon: if it is we let non-train riding normal
people know after it happens
Donilon: this is not the end or the beginning of the end but it’s the start of the middle of the half-way point of the war on terror
Gregory: how terrified should I be?
Donilon: a lot - Katie Couric is a free agent now
Gregory: was this a death blow to al-qaeda?
Donilon: it’s pretty important Fluffy
Gregory: are they leaderless now?
Donilon: it’s like when your CEO is indicted -
you scramble to get a new one
Gregory: what about Ayman al-Zawahiri
Donilon: he takes the big job after the sudden death of the boss but people doubt he can measure up - you must know what that’s like
Gregory: the Bush doctrine was if you feed a terrorist he is fed but if you teach him to fish you are a terrorist - so when do we go to war with Pakistan?
Donilon: is never good for you
Gregory: but members of Congress are fake outraged
Donilon: I just remembered something - I don’t care
Gregory: what if we find out that the Pakistan government knew where bin Laden was all along?
Donilon: I don’t want to answer a hypothetical question
Gregory: that’s not a hypothetical
Donilon: do you know what the word
Gregory: um no [ sobs ]
Donilon: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: are we going to war with them or not?
Donilon: more terrorists are caught in Pakistan than anywhere else
Gregory: you didn’t trust them enough to tell about the raid in advance
Donilon: true but we didn’t tell Mueller
or Petraeus either -
Gregory: yeah those guys are real operators
Gregory: Charles Krauthammer says torture
and illegal wiretapping have finally been totally vindicated
Rumsfeld: waterboarding is the best thing ever!
Donilon: I’m not interested in more bullshit from those incompetent assholes
Gregory: did torture help?
Donilon: there were hundreds of sources
Gregory: yes but torture is probably really awesome
Donilon: this isn’t partisan - it’s about how much
the USA rules
Gregory: how is it possible that the details of a s
ecret night-time raid thousands of miles away got confused
Donilon: you’re funny
Gregory: no one seal admitted to killing bin Laden because those guys are a team-oriented gang of stone cold badasses
Donilon: you have no idea Fluffy
[ break ]
Gregory: what are we learning now?
Hayden: we’re creating an encyclopedia on al-qaeda
Gregory: Mr. Chertoff is it true that you are in fact
Chertoff: yes I am
Gregory: if you say so
Gregory: Rudy you were a municipal leader
10 years ago - tell us about your expertise in international terror
Giuliani: it’s faaabulous!
Steve Coll: Al-Qaeda is scary but we should not change our lives over it
Chertoff: now that Osama is dead we will probably see more attacks
Gregory: Didn’t Obama fail by not capturing bin Laden alive?
Hayden: no he didn’t Fluffy
Gregory: can we declare that torture is the best thing of all time
Hayden: that’s ridiculous
Giuliani: waterboarding is like Apple - It Just Works
Gregory: we tortured one guy 183 times and didn’t find out where bin Laden was
Chertoff: I was head of the criminal division on 9/11
Gregory: good job on that by the way
Chertoff: the point is not whether torture works -
the point is that it feels really good
Gregory: did Pakistan tell you who the courier was?
Hayden: no they did not Fluff
Gregory: did they harbor a terrorist?
Hayden: the burden of proof is on them to prove what they did not know
Gregory: I oversaw street cleaning in NYC so I
know all about Pakistan
Gregory: should we leave Afghanistan now that we achieved our goal of going into Afghanistan
Hayden: whoa whoa whoa let’s not rush not occupying another country - terror could go up!
Gregory: should we increase the war on terror?
Hayden: damm right!
Gregory: Obama went to Ground Zero and of course you were there as always
Giuliani: I spied them from Bernie Kerik’s love nest
Gregory: how about that bin Laden killing?
Giuliani: Obama and Bush and America all did an awesome job
Gregory: that’s very non-partisan of you
Giuliani: But Bush is the most awesome for being President on 9/11 without which we never have had to go to another country and kill a guy
Gregory: that is such a good point - will you please run for President?
Giuliani: I am awesome aren’t I
Gregory: you are - you really are!
[ break ]
Gregory: Bob what have learned since nailing Osama?
Woodward: it’s a triumph of middle-management and for my sources who leaked their heroism to me
Gregory: how did they get bin Laden?
Woodward: the courier left the compound to recharge his iPhone
Gregory: damm you steve jobs
Woodward: bin Laden was living in luxury and
raised his middle finger to America
Gregory : Robert Kagan says our President must
kill kill kill
Goodwin: Obama now has huge balls
Murphy: he won the testosterone jackpot
Gregory: oh my
Murphy: we have bin Laden’s Hello Kitty diary!
Gregory: incredibly people support Obama on not releasing photos as usual that shocks me
Kay: graphic photos would never persuade doubters but publishing inflammatory pictures would be stupid and dangerous
Gregory: George Bush would’ve done it
Gregory: Obama promised in 2008 that he would hunt down and kill bin Laden and he did
Woodward: he has ramped up covert action around the world and has sent a message to al-qaeda - there’s a new cold-blooded bad-ass cobra in the White House and he’s going Vulcan on your ass
Goodwin: Obama Unburdened!
Gregory: can we leave Afghanistan now?
Murphy: even the GOP wants to get the hell out of that mess
Gregory: Obama’s popularity is up but this is obviously a fleeting moment
Murphy: just like the first President Bush Obama will probably be defeated
Kay: but catching bin Laden undermines the idea that Obama is a weak dithering socialist
Gregory: yes but what has Barack Obama done
for us lately?
Woodward: nothing! it’s all downhill from here
Woodward: People want to know that
‘Obama is out there looking for me’
Gregory: that would make me nervous
Murphy: Bush catching bin Laden puts pressure on Obama
Gregory: Unemployment is still high!
Kay: but Obama is also creating jobs
Woodward: Obama now tingles my happy place
Gregory: bin Laden was an operational leader and in charge of marketing and advertising for al-qaeda
Goodwin: the al-qaeda caveman was a flop
Woodward: Osama bin Laden’s Facebook page had 714 followers in the Pakistani military
Gregory: Rudy Giuliani 2012!
Murphy: that’s pretty ridiculous
Gregory: I’m obsessed with John Huntsman -
he’s so handsome!
Murphy: don’t quit your day job Fluffers
Gregory: I don’t have a day job
Murphy: well whatever you do to draw a paycheck don’t leave
Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press