Sunday, May 08, 2011

Meet The Press - May 8, 2011

Tom Donilon - National Security Advisor
Rudy Giuliani
Michael Chertoff
Michael Hayden
Bob Woodward
Doris Goodwin
Katty Kay
Mike Murphy

Gregory: wow look at these tapes the U.S. seized tapes of bin Laden getting an Extreme Makeover

Donilon: we seized his entire VHS collection including all three Karate Kids, Backs to the Future, Red Dawn and The Last Starfighter

Gregory: my god what else

Donilon: we got all his vinyl LPs including the
entire Michael Jackson collection

Gregory: wow even Off The Wall
- was he an operational leader?

Donilon: Michael?

Gregory: no bin Laden

Donilon: probably we’re still sifting through his collection of thumb drives and his 8-tracks

Gregory: will Amtrak be bombed soon?

Donilon: if it is we let non-train riding normal
people know after it happens

Gregory: good

Donilon: this is not the end or the beginning of the end but it’s the start of the middle of the half-way point of the war on terror

Gregory: how terrified should I be?

Donilon: a lot - Katie Couric is a free agent now

Gregory: was this a death blow to al-qaeda?

Donilon: it’s pretty important Fluffy

Gregory: are they leaderless now?

Donilon: it’s like when your CEO is indicted -
you scramble to get a new one

Gregory: what about Ayman al-Zawahiri

Donilon: he takes the big job after the sudden death of the boss but people doubt he can measure up - you must know what that’s like

Gregory: the Bush doctrine was if you feed a terrorist he is fed but if you teach him to fish you are a terrorist - so when do we go to war with Pakistan?

Donilon: is never good for you

Gregory: but members of Congress are fake outraged

Donilon: I just remembered something - I don’t care

Gregory: what if we find out that the Pakistan government knew where bin Laden was all along?

Donilon: I don’t want to answer a hypothetical question

Gregory: that’s not a hypothetical

Donilon: do you know what the word
hypothetical means?

Gregory: um no [ sobs ]

Donilon: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: are we going to war with them or not?

Donilon: more terrorists are caught in Pakistan than anywhere else

Gregory: you didn’t trust them enough to tell about the raid in advance

Donilon: true but we didn’t tell Mueller
or Petraeus either -

Gregory: yeah those guys are real operators

Gregory: Charles Krauthammer says torture
and illegal wiretapping have finally been totally vindicated

Rumsfeld: waterboarding is the best thing ever!

Donilon: I’m not interested in more bullshit from those incompetent assholes

Gregory: did torture help?

Donilon: there were hundreds of sources
of information

Gregory: yes but torture is probably really awesome

Donilon: this isn’t partisan - it’s about how much
the USA rules

Gregory: how is it possible that the details of a s
ecret night-time raid thousands of miles away got confused

Donilon: you’re funny

Gregory: no one seal admitted to killing bin Laden because those guys are a team-oriented gang of stone cold badasses

Donilon: you have no idea Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: what are we learning now?

Hayden: we’re creating an encyclopedia on al-qaeda

Gregory: Wikiqaeda?

Hayden: right

Gregory: Mr. Chertoff is it true that you are in fact
still alive?

Chertoff: yes I am

Gregory: if you say so

Gregory: Rudy you were a municipal leader
10 years ago - tell us about your expertise in international terror

Giuliani: it’s faaabulous!

Steve Coll: Al-Qaeda is scary but we should not change our lives over it

Chertoff: now that Osama is dead we will probably see more attacks

Gregory: Didn’t Obama fail by not capturing bin Laden alive?

Hayden: no he didn’t Fluffy

Gregory: can we declare that torture is the best thing of all time

Hayden: that’s ridiculous

Giuliani: waterboarding is like Apple - It Just Works

Gregory: we tortured one guy 183 times and didn’t find out where bin Laden was

Chertoff: I was head of the criminal division on 9/11

Gregory: good job on that by the way

Chertoff: the point is not whether torture works -
the point is that it feels really good

Gregory: did Pakistan tell you who the courier was?

Hayden: no they did not Fluff

Gregory: did they harbor a terrorist?

Hayden: the burden of proof is on them to prove what they did not know

Gregory: I oversaw street cleaning in NYC so I
know all about Pakistan

Gregory: should we leave Afghanistan now that we achieved our goal of going into Afghanistan

Hayden: whoa whoa whoa let’s not rush not occupying another country - terror could go up!

Gregory: should we increase the war on terror?

Hayden: damm right!

Gregory: Obama went to Ground Zero and of course you were there as always

Giuliani: I spied them from Bernie Kerik’s love nest

Gregory: how about that bin Laden killing?

Giuliani: Obama and Bush and America all did an awesome job

Gregory: that’s very non-partisan of you

Giuliani: But Bush is the most awesome for being President on 9/11 without which we never have had to go to another country and kill a guy

Gregory: that is such a good point - will you please run for President?

Giuliani: I am awesome aren’t I

Gregory: you are - you really are!

[ break ]

Gregory: Bob what have learned since nailing Osama?

Woodward: it’s a triumph of middle-management and for my sources who leaked their heroism to me

Gregory: how did they get bin Laden?

Woodward: the courier left the compound to recharge his iPhone

Gregory: damm you steve jobs

Woodward: bin Laden was living in luxury and
raised his middle finger to America

Gregory : Robert Kagan says our President must
kill kill kill

Goodwin: Obama now has huge balls

Murphy: he won the testosterone jackpot

Gregory: oh my

Murphy: we have bin Laden’s Hello Kitty diary!

Gregory: incredibly people support Obama on not releasing photos as usual that shocks me

Kay: graphic photos would never persuade doubters but publishing inflammatory pictures would be stupid and dangerous

Gregory: George Bush would’ve done it

Kay: uh-huh

Gregory: Obama promised in 2008 that he would hunt down and kill bin Laden and he did

Woodward: he has ramped up covert action around the world and has sent a message to al-qaeda - there’s a new cold-blooded bad-ass cobra in the White House and he’s going Vulcan on your ass

Goodwin: Obama Unburdened!

Gregory: can we leave Afghanistan now?

Murphy: even the GOP wants to get the hell out of that mess

Gregory: Obama’s popularity is up but this is obviously a fleeting moment

Murphy: just like the first President Bush Obama will probably be defeated

Kay: but catching bin Laden undermines the idea that Obama is a weak dithering socialist

Gregory: yes but what has Barack Obama done
for us lately?

Woodward: nothing! it’s all downhill from here

Gregory: right

Woodward: People want to know that
‘Obama is out there looking for me’

Gregory: that would make me nervous

Murphy: Bush catching bin Laden puts pressure on Obama

Gregory: Unemployment is still high!

Kay: but Obama is also creating jobs

Woodward: Obama now tingles my happy place

Gregory: bin Laden was an operational leader and in charge of marketing and advertising for al-qaeda

Goodwin: the al-qaeda caveman was a flop

Woodward: Osama bin Laden’s Facebook page had 714 followers in the Pakistani military

Gregory: Rudy Giuliani 2012!

Murphy: that’s pretty ridiculous

Gregory: I’m obsessed with John Huntsman -
he’s so handsome!

Murphy: don’t quit your day job Fluffers

Gregory: I don’t have a day job

Murphy: well whatever you do to draw a paycheck don’t leave

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press


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