May 1, 2011
Guests:
Mayor Mike Bloomberg (I-NYC)
Gov. Bob McDonnell (R-VA)
David Axelrod (White House advisor)
Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)
Seth Meyers
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Gregory: wow NATO killed Qadaffi’s grandson
and the Pope was beautified
Betsy: Beatified
Gregory: whatever
Gregory: the economy is recovering but people are depressed because unemployment is still high
Bloomberg: corporate profits are high because like people they are learning to make more with less
Gregory: you mean less people
Bloomberg: fewer people
Gregory: ok
Bloomberg: also gas and food prices are high
Gregory: true
Bloomberg: the good is you can get some great housing bargains - a NYC apartment with 500
square feet is now a mere $2 million
Gregory: wow what a deal
Bloomberg: there is a crisis of confidence in the morons and idiots in Washington
Gregory: strong words Mike
Bloomberg: America became a superpower with waves of immigration - we need more people!
Gregory: interesting approach
Bloomberg: we need to pass a law letting large numbers of refugees come here
Gregory: wow
Bloomberg: as long as they agree to live in Detroit
Immigrant: oh shit
Gregory: We have to raise taxes on the middle class!!!
Bloomberg: We have to raise taxes and
cut entitlements
Gregory: bad news all around
Bloomberg: politicians have to act like adults and stop pandering to a bunch of voters
Gregory: Governor how would rate Obama’s response to the tornadoes
McDonnell: Obama and his team have been outstanding and very helpful
Gregory: dammit
McDonnell: Sorry Fluffy
Gregory: the big story this week was a split-screen America of Donald Trump vs. The President of the United States
Obama: he’s a carnival barker
Gregory: where was Obama born David?
Axelrod: the problem is not Donald Trump the problem is idiotic television journalists
Gregory: I see
Bloomberg: if the GOP keeps this nonsense up
they are going to fail
McDonnell: Obama has failed to address George Bush’s debt
Gregory: Obama decided to make this a big issue
Axelrod: no the media did stupid
Gregory: that’s mean
Axelrod: we should talk about how the GOP wants to slash Medicare, education and green energy
Gregory: the blacks were offended by Birthers
Axelrod: all Americans were offended Fluffers
Gregory: so you say
Axelrod: we have big problems in this country
Gregory: Trump is a very important and successful businessman
Bloomberg: he’s an icon of bad taste, weird hair and a terrible tv show
Gregory: how wonderful is Trump?
Bloomberg: instead of asking what we should cut we ask what is the minimum government we need
Gregory: interesting
Bloomberg: the money shouldn’t drive our decisions - we should decide what we want first
Axelrod: that’s what Obama is saying - the social compact must guide our decision-making
Gregory: Governor unemployment is high except under your wonderful leadership
McDonnell: we in Virginia made the tough decision to benefit from a massive flow of money from D.C.
Gregory: Awesome
McDonell: the GOP ran up these debts
Axelrod: you took stimulus money
McDonnell: the American people don’t understand why the government runs up a debt since they
never do
Axelrod: righty-o
Gregory: Obama is unpopular because the President
decides gas prices
Bloomberg: the President has to prove he is not a socialist and supports the private sector economy by controlling gas prices
Gregory: I see
Bloomberg: Banks are scared to make loans because they get criticized
Gregory: oh
Bloomberg: we vilified banks for making bad loans but that’s what we want them to do - run risks and if they fail let the free market take out get bailed out
Gregory: can we beat Obama?
McDonnell: Governors are decisive and fiscal conservatives
Axelrod: like George W. Bush
McDonnell: Obama hates Wall Street
Axelrod: LOL the stock market is at a 10-year high asshole
McDonnell: we need to cut spending!
G: It is thought Obama will spend a $1 billion
on his campaign
Axelrod: It is thought you are a moron
Gregory: Will Democrats prove their purity by renouncing spending
Axelrod: that’s stupid we’re not going fight with one hand
tied behind our back
Gregory: But Dems are all bad people!
Axelrod: zip it Fluffy
Gregory: shouldn’t we stay in Iraq forever
Axelrod: no
Gregory: What’s the deal with the Tea Party
Rubio: the Tea Party is great because they want to cut spending on the other hand they are idiots
Gregory: are you a Tea Party Senator?
Rubio: no because the Tea Party are democrats and morons
Gregory: I’m confused - will you compromise on
Tea Party principles
Rubio: I just learned that compromise is actually a great thing
Gregory: but you voted against the budget compromise
Rubio: I was elected to deliver big solutions
Gregory: so how do you actually get something done
Rubio: we should have solutions to things
Gregory: is not raising the debt ceiling irresponsible?
Rubio: pshaw - a mere technical default is not as
bad a future hypothetical default
Gregory: so default now is necessary to prevent default later
Rubio: even the Democrat party wants to cut spending
Gregory: do you like Ryan plan?
Rubio: in 5 years Medicare will go bankrupt
Gregory: oh
Rubio: the Ryan plan is wonderful because it
saves Medicare
Gregory: actually it dismantles Medicare
Rubio: yes but only for young 54 year-old people
Gregory: Why not cut Medicare for older people?
Rubio: Obamacare cut Medicare to conduct
medical experiments
Gregory: you proposed a private voucher system
Rubio: yes but if you have a better idea for ending Medicare then propose it on Monday
Gregory: please bash Obama for me
Rubio: I’m very sad that Obama has failed to
end Medicare
Gregory: how awful for you
Rubio: America cannot win future wars if we don’t cut spending for health care for old people
Gregory: if the GOP comes to you and ask you be
VP will you say yes
Rubio: I love your hypothetical but no
Gregory: tell me how wonderful Donald Trump is
Rubio: Fluffy join me on Planet Earth
Gregory: but Planet Fluffy-Trump is so nice
Rubio: there are people in caves planning on killing people on Orlando
Gregory: what about Libya?
Rubio: we must take out Saddam
Gregory: what?
Rubio: um Qadaffi - whatever
Gregory: how clear
Rubio: he should leave Iraq - Libya you know
what I mean!
Gregory: thanks for coming Marco
[ break ]
Obama: there’s a vicious rumor that Romney passed universal health care
Audience: lol
Obama: now Donald Trump can get to the bottom of Roswell and who killed Biggie and Tupac!
Gregory: Trump vs Obama is good for comedy
Meyers: that is true
Gregory: where do you get your material?
Meyers: the news
Gregory: do you have an agenda
Meyers: be funny - intentionally, unlike you
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