Sunday, May 15, 2011

Meet the Press - May 15, 2011

Newt Gingrich
Helene Cooper
E.J. Dionne
Matt Bai
Peggy Noonan
Mark Halperin
Gregory: do you think Congress should
increase debt ceiling?

Gingrich: we should avoid default if we can -
but don’t give Obama a blank check

Gregory: Newt will you turn Medicare
into a voucher program

Gingrich: I don’t agree with radical social
engineering even from the right

Gregory: well that’s boring

Gingrich: I am also against Medicare fraud

Gregory: you disappoint me Newtie

Gingrich: I am totally not a radical despite
what you may have heard

Gregory: will you raise taxes?

Gingrich: no - people seem to like low taxes

Gregory: but smart economists say we
should raise revenues

Gingrich: yes but that’s just people who
know what they are talking about

Gregory: I see

Gingrich: I can find an extra $125 billion
per year by re-imagining government as a profitable business which I have never run

Gregory: you called Obama
The Food Stamp President

Gingrich: I wrote that line by myself -
but you can use it

Gregory: no thanks - it's lame at best
and could be racist

Gingrich: that’s bizarre - I sir am no a racist

Gregory: what did you mean by that
rather weird statement then?

Gingrich: Obama destroyed Detroit by
not having litigation reform

Gregory: you don’t say

Gingrich: the EPA is trying to control
the entire American economy

Gregory: is that right?

Gingrich: paychecks vs food stamps!

Gregory: In 1993 you supported requiring
people to buy health insurance

Gingrich: yes but we must also have policies
to make libertarians happy

Gregory: like what

Gingrich: Making people post a bond
before giving them CPR

Gregory: I see

Gingrich: most people without health insurance use the money to go on fancy vacations

Gregory: let's switch topics - are we losing
the war on terror?

Gingrich: absolutely

Gregory: but we just got Osama bin Laden

Gingrich: but then Pakistan called the Chinese

Gregory: that’s vaguely scary

Gingrich: George W. Bush was soft on
international terrorism

Gregory: you say Obama is an out-of-touch
anti-colonial Kenyan con artist

Gingrich: yes but a guy with dark skin said it first

Gregory: are you a total lunatic?

Gingrich: maybe

Gregory: do you think Obama hates America?

Gingrich: right - he’s puts the Arab League
and UN before America

Gregory: that’s sounds ludicrous

Gingrich: Obama hides his wily oriental ways well

Gregory: what will it take for you to be elected President apart from a supernatural event

Gingrich: I’m going to have to rein in my
more crazy statements

Gregory: are a just man with terrible ideas or can you actually lead this nation down a path to disaster

Gingrich: my destiny is to lead a movement around reviving the 10th Amendment

Gregory: Tom Coburn arranged illegal payoffs
to John Ensign’s mistress and even he
thinks you’re immoral

Gingrich: I love my children unlike Susan Smith who drowned her kids because of the Democrat party

Gregory: I could listen to you all day

Gingrich: wait til I get going!

Gregory: you’re so patriotic you cheated
on your wife

Gingrich: sure I’m a lout but I also have an endless series of fantastically weird ideas

Gregory: your businesses don’t pay all their taxes

Gingrich: true but we paid some of them

Gregory: will you go after Huckabee voters?

Gingrich: heh I don’t think they will vote for me I’m just a fat white southern conservative

Gregory: will you be like Ronald Reagan -
run on the right, govern from the center,
and send weapons to Iran?

Gingrich: there is no right-wing majority
in this country

Gregory: who’s the front runner?

Gingrich: all those rich guys like Romney,
Huntsman and that reality show host

Gregory: Donald Trump?

Gingrich: or Ryan Seacrest whoever

[ break ]

Gregory: so panel - how about that Newt Gingrich?

Halperin: he’s very underrated and showed
today what a strong candidate he is in my
fevered imagination

Gregory: he still seems to think Obama is un-American

Bai: he’s a very intelligent and thoughtful
mean bastard

Gregory: Newt supports a health insurance mandate and opposes Paul Ryan’s nutty budget plan

Noonan: the new Newt is a good-natured
easy-listening freak

Gregory: do we like the new soft cuddly Newt?

Halperin: he stayed calm today and didn’t
call anyone Hitler

Dionne: he’s a big old bigoted teddy bear

Cooper: it was fascinating to watch him try to restrain himself from comparing Obama to Pol Pot

Gregory: is he old news?

Noonan: 18 year-old voters will find
Newt Gingrich very compelling

Halperin: that what makes Newt so formidable!

Huckabee: God told me to make money
on Fox News

Dionne: Huckabee leaves all the Christian
voters up for grabs

Halperin: also poor people making $95,000

Trump: good luck in Florida grifter!

Dionne: all these GOP candidates are promoting
a book, a tv show or line of clothing for abstinent teen mothers

Gregory: why is no one running against Obama??

Bai: they’re going for the big money

Noonan: they all think they’re going to
lose to Obama and they’re right

Gregory: Mark you have Bachman's odds at
1000 to 1 - why so short?

Halperin: there are many, many things
I don’t know

Romney: I did what I believe was right
for the commies in Massachusetts

Dionne: he might as well embrace Romneycare
since it was pretty good

Gregory: that's so crazy it just might work

Dionne: but GOP primary voters demand
insanity from their candidate

Cooper: the Tea Party was founded on
opposition to the healthcare mandate and the President’s funny religion

Halperin: Luckily Romney doesn’t
have those problems

Gregory: Obama will be defeated because
he can’t control gas prices

Bai: but people still like Obama

Gregory: or unemployment could also
be a deal breaker

Halperin: there are a lot of red states out there
who yearn for the good times of 2008 again

Gregory: what news did Newt make this morning?

Bai: he’s going to run as the candidate of people who think Obama is secret Kenyan muslim witch doctor

Gregory: Lindsay Graham says Obama has to kill Qadaffi to prove he’s not a wimp

Cooper: or he could just invade Pakistan

Halperin: I like it!

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press


horatius said...

Dear CoT,

No props to you from me today. It's not that the material wasn't up to your usual standards.

It just made me crap my pants in terror instead of making me laugh. Anyway, thanks for trying.

Culture of Tr√úth said...


Oh dear, sorry!