Meet The Press - July 12, 2009

Meet The Press
July 12, 2009
Guests:
Sen. John McCain
Sen. Chuck Schumer
**************************
Gregory: welcome back John I love you -
you’re my favorite failed politician

McCain: love you too Greggers

Gregory: ok the big story today is Dick
Cheney’s secret assassination squad

McCain: I know absolutely nothing about it

Gregory: so glad I invited you on the show then

McCain: who among us hasn’t run the
occasional gang of ruthless murderers?

Gregory: does it bother you that Congress
didn’t know?

McCain: well you know the head of the CIA
probably didn’t know either

Gregory: should we prosecute Bush and Cheney for war crimes

McCain: I more than anyone have spoken out
very forcefully against those practices

Gregory: so yes?

McCain: oh no no

Gregory: why not

McCain: because it hurts America’s image
to not cover up our crimes

Gregory: what about accountability?

McCain: the people who ordered torture get last pick of of the cocktail weenies at Georgetown parties -
I think they've suffered enough

Gregory: were you surprised that Sarah Palin announced she’s resigning?

McCain: no she was always a major flake

Gregory: why did she quit

McCain: she didn’t quit

Gregory: yes she did

McCain: maybe but only because she was attacked when people pointed out her lack of ethics

Gregory: it seems kind of loopy

McCain: look I respected her realizing she can
best serve people by staying out of government

Gregory: will you endorse her in 2012

McCain: well you know we have many strong
young firm attractive candidates

Gregory: so you won’t

McCain: hey give me a break - when I chose her
I didn’t know she was out of her mind

Gregory: everyone knows her brief VP campaign was a total train wreck

McCain: not true she gave great eye-twinkle

Gregory: in fact your whole candidacy sucked

McCain: Lincoln Roosevelt Reagan whaaaaaa

Gregory: Obama’s poll numbers are down

McCain: the people have finally realized since
that debt is bad

Gregory: But Reagan, George HW Bush and George W Bush are the greaest debtors in history

McCain: it’s generational theft!

Gregory: okay

McCain: it’s crazy Obama bailed out AIG!

Gregory: no that was Bush

McCain: the GOP wanted a stimulus package!

Gregory: oh what was it?

McCain: we called for tax cuts!

Gregory: Obama defeated you so I ask you
- is Obama a big liar?

McCain: no not really

Gregory: no tell me he is old man

McCain: ok fine Greggers he lied because unemployment is still high six months
after he was sworn in

Gregory: so you favor another stimulus?

McCain: yes we should cut taxes

Gregory: health reform?

McCain: cut taxes!

Gregory: small business are failing

McCain: because taxes are too high!

Gregory: how should we reform health care?

McCain: now we have gold-plated health care
and we should just give that to everyone

Gregory: how so?

McCain: by cutting out the gold-plating and
going with aluminum

Gregory: should we raise taxes 1% on the richest 1%

McCain: that would kill the American economy!

Gregory: so what is your solution?

McCain: because of lawsuits doctors are ordering too many damn tests - I mean what is this fancy new Roentgen image machine?

Gregory: Afghanistan still sucks

McCain: yes we need more troops

Gregory: what should we do in Iran

McCain: tell the people of Iran we are totally with them in their protest against the government

Gregory: so send them arms or aid?

McCain: oh no no no, just change the colors of
our twitter gravtars

Gregory: that seems like useless grandstanding

McCain: why do you hate Neda?

[ break ]

Gregory: did you all misread the economy?

Schumer: yes we didn't realize how terrible the
Bush economy was

Gregory: but you live in New York - how could
you get it wrong??

Schumer: hey they said we going to enter another Great Depression

Gregory: but the Republicans were right when they said you needed a bigger stimulus!

Schumer: no Dave they wanted a smaller stimulus

Gregory: only if you go by reality

Schumer: the stimulus is working dammit

Gregory: [high pitched voice ] but states are using the money to stave off disaster that seems so wrong!

Schumer: we just needed to get shovels full of
cash in the economy

Gregory: [whiny voice] but it’s so slow!!

Schumer: hey dipshit this is not a 4 month plan
it’s a 2 year plan

Gregory: but Obama has been President for 6 months and there’s still unemployment and debt!

Schumer: lucky for us Obama has a long-term perspective unlike some jackass Sunday morning talk show hosts I could mention

Gregory: how are you going to pay for health
care reform?

Schumer: well I have a lot of rich people in my
state so I want to cut costs

Gregory: would you raise taxes on the rich?

Schumer: oh noe!

Gregory: how about Sonia Sotomayor?

Schumer: she’s charming, smart, down to earth,
and makes a great paella

Gregory: should we prosecute torture just
because it’s a crime?

Schumer: let’s wait and see before we cover it up

Gregory: is Sarah Palin the future of the GOP?

Schumer: god I hope so

[ break ]

Gregory: holy shit Sarah Palin quit her job!

Simon: the GOP has collapsed like a supernova into a very very dense core of batshit crazy people and she speaks to them

Gregory: wow

Shrum: hell I'm sending her money

Simon: right now she could beat Mitt Romney
and Mike Huckabee

Shrum: Kim Jong-Il could be beat those two

Hughes: let’s be honest - this woman is a total whackjob

Gregory: that’s very frank Karen

Hughes: there’s a very fine line between clever
and stupid and she vaulted over it

Gregory: Andrea Mitchell she is so authentic she wears fishing waders at the National Press Club

Mitchell: it’s adorably mavericky

Gregory: so is she a quitter or a leader?

Mitchell: she would make a great President except she runs away whenever people criticize her
or her family

Gregory: but other than that she’s great

Mitchell: well also she’s not well-read and inexperienced

Gregory: can the GOP ever recover?

Hughes: the GOP plan is educating kids and providing health care

Gregory: that’s not what I heard

Hughes: since when

Gregory: since 1929

Shrum: the GOP is cheerleading for failure

Hughes: no we are all very concerned that
Obama has failed

Shrum: it’s fucking July morons!

Gregory: no he’s failed and there is no hope
and he’s a liar

Simon: Obama has given us a recession and ruined Bush’s surplus and the American people have given up on Obama and the GOP will rule America
for the next 25 years

Mitchell: it’s so sad how Obama has failed

Gregory: oh my god we’re all doomed!!!!

Shrum: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: [shreiking] aaaarrrrhhhhh!!!!!

Shrum: let me explain something you panicky twit - Obama will reform health care, grow jobs, gain seats in 2010, and he will be reelected in 2012

Mitchell: to be fair the plan did prevent a Depression

Hughes: oh no that was Bush giving tax money
to AIG

Gregory: so what did Obama do wrong?

Hughes: he keeps giving bailouts to big companies

Gregory: of course

Gregory: speaking of Ghana should we absolve Bush for all his war crimes?

Hughes: of course we should - but look Obama went to Russia totally failed to eliminate nuclear weapons and not solve global warming

Shrum: oh my god this is a remarkably stupid panel

Gregory: can we ever prosecute torture?

Shrum: yes if you fail to follow a John Yoo memo you must truly be a sick fuck

Gregory: when will know when Obama has
totally failed?

Simon: oh he already has - his trip to Russia, meeting with the Pope, and the rapturous crowds in Ghana were spectacular but less than triumphant

Gregory: there you have it - Obama’s failure
to triumph of has doomed us all
by Culture of Truth
*******************