Meet The Press
Sec. of HHS Kathleen Sebelius
Sen. Mitch McConell
Gregory: welcome Katie - now let's talk health care
Sebelius: ok doofus
Gregory: the CBO says you will bankrupt America and take away tongue depressers
Sebelius: we're going to cut costs - like no more MRIs unless you're missing an major organ
Gregory: but but but you have to cut costs like how about not covering anyone
Sebelius: we plan to Greggers
Gregory: goddammit you said you are going to spend a trillion dollars but people will still get health care!
Sebelius: suddenly Republicans like you are worried about spending - funny how that works
Gregory: so this bill is unfinished?
Sebelius: more or less
Gregory: so the final word is - it's got to lower costs
Sebelius: yes but-
Gregory: lower costs!
Sebelius: and quality
Gregory: um what
Gregory: so you will cover everyone?
Sebelius: yes we hope so
Gregory: well who you would leave out?
Sebelius: if necessary the Irish
Gregory: isn't proof that Obama is a failure that Mitt Romney's plan in Massachusetts sucks?
Sebelius: no because he's a moron
Gregory: so how will you save money?
Sebelius: the public option will bring competition which will drive costs down
Gregory: but that's cheating by using efficiency to save money
Sebelius: why not
Gregory: that will kill poor little insurance companies
Sebelius: fuck em
Gregory: Obama keeps promising that you will get to keep your insurance but that's false because in a free market your employer can take it away!
Sebelius: that can already do that in the free market
Gregory: so Obama should nationalize the entire insurance market system
Sebelius: that makes no sense
Gregory: If Obama doesn’t have the government take over the market it will destroy the free market
Sebelius: I heard you a fucking moron
Gregory: will Obama take away my health care that's so scary
Sebelius: there's rationing right now dipshit
Gregory: some freshman democrat somewhere is concerned about taxes
Sebelius: oh boo fucking hoo
Gregory: well where does he stand on taxes?
Sebelius: if you recall Bush signed a drug bill without paying for it
Gregory: yes but he was such a cool guy he gave me a nickname
Sebelius: I’ll give you one fluffyhaid
Gregory: why not tax employer health benefits?
Sebelius: dude that would kill the little remaining free market we have
Gregory: why do want to tax only rich people?
Sebelius: they're all jerks like you David
Gregory: what's your deadline?
Sebelius: hey the AMA endorsed the plan
Gregory: why doesn't Obama just enact the bill?
Sebelius: he's not a member of Congress dumbass
Gregory: I'm scared about the pig flu
Sebelius: you need to calm down stupid - here take a pill
Gregory: [ gulp ]
twitters: awesome katie s gave me pillz
[ break ]
Gregory: So Mitch is the President going to pass a health reform bill by August?
McConnell: we’ve only been doing this since 1993 why the rush?
Gregory: that’s a good point
McConnell: suddenly the GOP are worried about the debt for the first time since 1980
Gregory: wow and it’s so expensive
McConnell: yes and Obama is going to pay for it by stealing from old people and small businesses
Gregory: that’s so sad
McConnell: plus Obama doesn’t even care that America is the best country in the world
[ waves foam We’re Number #1 finger ]
Gregory: liberals hate the U.S. don’t they
McConnell: they want to scrap the entire health care system and have all use leeches and trepanning
Gregory: ok but most people think the health care system completely sucks
McConnell: ah we have an awesome plan to fix the health care system
Gregory: what is it?
McConnell: tax cuts, wellness programs, and ending all malpractice lawsuits
Gregory: dude 47 million Americans don’t have health insurance
McConnell: true but the point is they all free incredibly inefficient health care
Gregory: Ted Kennedy has a brain tumor and makes more sense than you
McConnell: Government health care is unfair because it will be better and cheaper and that will put insurers out of business
Gregory: so what’s wrong with that
McConnell: some guy in Canada once died
Gregory: Jim DeMint is like Ivan Drago he must break Obama
McConnell: Greggers I will stand against a socialist hell
Gregory: was the stimulus too big or too small?
McConnell: the stimulus clearly failed so we should start enacting Republican policies which have a great track record
Gregory: why do oppose Sonia Sotomayor who is so adorable
McConnell: hey I love ethnic minorities I married one
Gregory: so why not
McConnell: she lets her hot Latina views obscure what should be her white male objectivity
Gregory: please bash Obama on Afghanistan
McConnell: no he’s irrationally kicking ass and I like that because he’s keep Americans safe from terrorists
Gregory: except for the American held hostage by terrorists
McConnell: um right
[ break ]
Gregory: To me the biggest issue is repeating GOP talking points - i mean, containing costs
Hardwood: we need to raise taxes on health care benefits cause suddenly the GOP loves raising taxes
Gregory: Obama is defensive isn't he
Gigot: well people love him but secretly the American people yearn for a right-wing dictator
Gregory: they want higher tax rates than France!
Gigot: i know Fluffers!
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
Oh. My. God!
Norris: Obama's all over place trying to solve problems - it's crazy!!
Gregory: dick is Obama a total failure?
Wolffe: he will be if he doesn't twist some arms like Lyndon Johnson
Norris: the public doesn't want this crazy rush to reform health care - they love the current system
Gigot: he's making a mistake of governing to the left
Gregory: so what should he do?
Gigot: give the poor tax credits and put John McCain in charge
Gregory: of course
Gregory: Let's talk about blueprint of returning my best friends the Republicans to power
Hardwood: McConnell is exactly right - suddenly spending and debt matters for the first time since 1981
Wolffe: um dudes Obama is popular even in Michigan
Gregory: that can't be right i hate Obama
Gigot: i can't believe he hasn't fixed all of Bush's mistakes - clearly we should elect more Republicans
Gregory: OMG the AP said after 4 weeks of not being in public and then being in public Hillary is too powerful and not powerful enough!!!
Norris: i gotta call bullshit on that Greggers
Hardwood: who gives a shit about this silly gossip
Gregory: she has a hidden agenda to take the Presidency away from Obama doesn't she
Wolffe: i heard you cheap gossip-trading dick
Gregory: Walter Cronkite was great I bet he often told LBJ or Nixon his show allows you to frame the conversation as you really want
Cronkite: don’t make me come up there and kick your ass