Sunday, July 19, 2009

Meet The Press with Sec. Sebelius and Sen. McConnell - July 19, 2009

Meet The Press
Sec. of HHS Kathleen Sebelius
Sen. Mitch McConell
Gregory: welcome Katie - now let's talk health care

Sebelius: ok doofus

Gregory: the CBO says you will bankrupt America and take away tongue depressers

Sebelius: we're going to cut costs - like no more MRIs unless you're missing an major organ

Gregory: but but but you have to cut costs like how about not covering anyone

Sebelius: we plan to Greggers

Gregory: goddammit you said you are going to spend a trillion dollars but people will still get health care!

Sebelius: suddenly Republicans like you are worried about spending - funny how that works

Gregory: so this bill is unfinished?

Sebelius: more or less

Gregory: so the final word is - it's got to lower costs

Sebelius: yes but-

Gregory: lower costs!

Sebelius: but-

Gregory: costs!

Sebelius: and quality

Gregory: um what

Gregory: so you will cover everyone?

Sebelius: yes we hope so

Gregory: well who you would leave out?

Sebelius: if necessary the Irish

Gregory: isn't proof that Obama is a failure that Mitt Romney's plan in Massachusetts sucks?

Sebelius: no because he's a moron

Gregory: so how will you save money?

Sebelius: the public option will bring competition which will drive costs down

Gregory: but that's cheating by using efficiency to save money

Sebelius: why not

Gregory: that will kill poor little insurance companies

Sebelius: fuck em

Gregory: Obama keeps promising that you will get to keep your insurance but that's false because in a free market your employer can take it away!

Sebelius: that can already do that in the free market

Gregory: so Obama should nationalize the entire insurance market system

Sebelius: that makes no sense

Gregory: If Obama doesn’t have the government take over the market it will destroy the free market

Sebelius: I heard you a fucking moron

Gregory: will Obama take away my health care that's so scary

Sebelius: there's rationing right now dipshit

Gregory: some freshman democrat somewhere is concerned about taxes

Sebelius: oh boo fucking hoo

Gregory: well where does he stand on taxes?

Sebelius: if you recall Bush signed a drug bill without paying for it

Gregory: yes but he was such a cool guy he gave me a nickname

Sebelius: I’ll give you one fluffyhaid

Gregory: why not tax employer health benefits?

Sebelius: dude that would kill the little remaining free market we have

Gregory: why do want to tax only rich people?

Sebelius: they're all jerks like you David

Gregory: what's your deadline?

Sebelius: hey the AMA endorsed the plan

Gregory: why doesn't Obama just enact the bill?

Sebelius: he's not a member of Congress dumbass

Gregory: I'm scared about the pig flu

Sebelius: you need to calm down stupid - here take a pill

Gregory: [ gulp ]

twitters: awesome katie s gave me pillz

[ break ]

Gregory: So Mitch is the President going to pass a health reform bill by August?

McConnell: we’ve only been doing this since 1993 why the rush?

Gregory: that’s a good point

McConnell: suddenly the GOP are worried about the debt for the first time since 1980

Gregory: wow and it’s so expensive

McConnell: yes and Obama is going to pay for it by stealing from old people and small businesses

Gregory: that’s so sad

McConnell: plus Obama doesn’t even care that America is the best country in the world

[ waves foam We’re Number #1 finger ]

Gregory: liberals hate the U.S. don’t they

McConnell: they want to scrap the entire health care system and have all use leeches and trepanning

Gregory: ok but most people think the health care system completely sucks

McConnell: ah we have an awesome plan to fix the health care system

Gregory: what is it?

McConnell: tax cuts, wellness programs, and ending all malpractice lawsuits

Gregory: dude 47 million Americans don’t have health insurance

McConnell: true but the point is they all free incredibly inefficient health care

Gregory: Ted Kennedy has a brain tumor and makes more sense than you

McConnell: Government health care is unfair because it will be better and cheaper and that will put insurers out of business

Gregory: so what’s wrong with that

McConnell: some guy in Canada once died

Gregory: Jim DeMint is like Ivan Drago he must break Obama

McConnell: Greggers I will stand against a socialist hell

Gregory: was the stimulus too big or too small?

McConnell: the stimulus clearly failed so we should start enacting Republican policies which have a great track record

Gregory: why do oppose Sonia Sotomayor who is so adorable

McConnell: hey I love ethnic minorities I married one

Gregory: so why not

McConnell: she lets her hot Latina views obscure what should be her white male objectivity

Gregory: please bash Obama on Afghanistan

McConnell: no he’s irrationally kicking ass and I like that because he’s keep Americans safe from terrorists

Gregory: except for the American held hostage by terrorists

McConnell: um right

[ break ]

Gregory: To me the biggest issue is repeating GOP talking points - i mean, containing costs

Hardwood: we need to raise taxes on health care benefits cause suddenly the GOP loves raising taxes

Gregory: Obama is defensive isn't he

Gigot: well people love him but secretly the American people yearn for a right-wing dictator

Gregory: they want higher tax rates than France!

Gigot: i know Fluffers!

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]

Oh. My. God!

Norris: Obama's all over place trying to solve problems - it's crazy!!

Gregory: dick is Obama a total failure?

Wolffe: he will be if he doesn't twist some arms like Lyndon Johnson

Norris: the public doesn't want this crazy rush to reform health care - they love the current system

Gigot: he's making a mistake of governing to the left

Gregory: so what should he do?

Gigot: give the poor tax credits and put John McCain in charge

Gregory: of course

Gregory: Let's talk about blueprint of returning my best friends the Republicans to power

Hardwood: McConnell is exactly right - suddenly spending and debt matters for the first time since 1981

Wolffe: um dudes Obama is popular even in Michigan

Gregory: that can't be right i hate Obama

Gigot: i can't believe he hasn't fixed all of Bush's mistakes - clearly we should elect more Republicans

Gregory: OMG the AP said after 4 weeks of not being in public and then being in public Hillary is too powerful and not powerful enough!!!

Norris: i gotta call bullshit on that Greggers

Hardwood: who gives a shit about this silly gossip

Gregory: she has a hidden agenda to take the Presidency away from Obama doesn't she

Wolffe: i heard you cheap gossip-trading dick

Gregory: Walter Cronkite was great I bet he often told LBJ or Nixon his show allows you to frame the conversation as you really want

Cronkite: don’t make me come up there and kick your ass


Anonymous said...

You are wonderful!! You always make me laugh. Wish that you would post this as a diary over at dkos.

I was going to post excerpts with a link but it's just impossible to choose just a line or two.

Thank you so much for brightening up my day

Anonymous said...

holyshit i'm glad i b'marked your page. tis some funny shit, keep it up!@