President Barack Obama Press Conference
July 22, 2009
Obama: hello American people you all know if we don’t enact health care reform we are totally fucked in a major way - now I’ll take questions from the idiots called the white house press corps
AP: How do you plan to pay for this and
what’s your dealbreaker?
Obama: hey dude right now we’re all paying for it - at this rate we won’t be able to afford to iPhones, cable tv, or to invade every tiny little country that pisses off
AP: oh no
Obama: yeah! so that’s 2/3 of the cost right there
AP: and the rest?
Obama: remove tax deductionsbut I don’t
foreclose other options
AP: oh no don’t say foreclose
Obama: hey we could raise taxes on millionaires
White House Press corps: oh shit
Obama: or eliminate waste
White House Press corps: oh yeah much better
Obama: I’m am the motherfucking president and let me tell you - just like the economy - the health care system I inherited from George W. Bush really fucking sucks
White House Press corps: oh poo
Obama: we can do this but we’ve got to make some major fucking changes - we need new computers, fewer tests and better goddamm lollipops!
White House Press corps: he’s good
Obama: people hate Washington DC but I’m telling you people the cost of doing nothing is worse - yo Two First Names David Alexander!
Reuters: what’s the rush Bammy
Obama: people are fucking dyin on me!
Reuters: then you bite the bullet and take
them to a fucking hospital
Obama: you have set deadlines in this town or nothing ever fucking happens - at this rate I’m going to have promise a mushroom cloud over Arlington to wake you fuckers up!
Reuters: that iz scary
Obama: you’re damm right it is!
Obama: C-Todd let’s all get a load of your big brain
Todd: how many people will you leave uninsured and will they deserve it?
Obama: good one toddster - look I want to cover almost everyone - but not that cheerleader on Heroes - she keeps jumping in front of a fucking bus and running into fire and that shit just ain’t right!
Todd: woo hoo NBC
Obama: zip it Toddy
Obama: the average American is paying hidden costs to pay for people who get their primary treatment in the fucking ER - that is just stupid
Todd: why can’t you get all the blue dog Democrats on board big guy?
Obama: hey I float about the fucking fray - I love me some Chuck Grassley - sure he’s a major doofus but at least he’s not off hiking the Applachian Trail
Todd: good one Barack
Obama: of course it was goatee boy - Tap Dancer!
Tapper: Mr. President will we be sacrificing the lives of our old people and will any of them not be celebrities?
Obama: they’re going to have to give up the endless joy of mammograms and that third MRI and of course the testicle squeezing
Tapper: [ twittering ] i hate teh ball krushing
Obama: hey dude stop twittering for a goddamm second
Tapper: [ twittering ] prez sayz dood no twittering
Obama: I get that people are worried about all the trillions of debt - debt I inherited from Stupid I might mention - also Bush lost 700,000 jobs and trillions
in U.S. wealth
Tapper: [ twittering ] Bam says Stupid screwd me
Obama: so I care about the debt and I cut it by 2 trillion by for example getting rid of a fighter jet that doesn’t fly in the motherfucking rain
F-22 Pilot: [ pops umbrella ] uh oh
Obama: Computer Chip!
Reid: specifically what kind of human sacrifice are you suggesting for Medicare for example may
I suggest my mother-in-law
Obama: that’s cold Chocolate Chip
Reid: heh heh
Obama: I just got Big Pharma to give me $80 billion for old people - Kristy!
Parsons: why all the secrecy Bam
Obama: hey you can stand outside the white house and see who goes in and out if you really want
Parson: why not put it on C-SPAN
Obama: we did - a network no one but crazy shut-ins in the perfect place to hide!
Q: Will you crack down on Wall Street criminals
Obama: it was Stupid who gave all the money to the Bankster Crooks - now as it turns out the experts said we had to give free money to criminals who created a near Depression to stave off an actual Depression
Q: that is awesomely convenient
Obama: wait there’s more - now they’re all getting rich off the money we gave them which proves
we were right!
Q: Do any of them drive Cadillacs like Reagan’s welfare mother
Obama: hell if I know - all I know is the lesson we’ve taught them is that whenever they get in trouble
for their gambling Uncle Sam will be there to bail them out
Q: so what’s the solution?
Obama: public shaming - they must sit in the table near the kitchen at Le Cirque
Bankster: oh the horror
Cleveland: Will you guarantee people will actually be covered once the GOP gets hold of this
1,000 page bill?
Obama: that’s the beauty of the plan - health insurers must compete and provide good, honest, non-profit driven-care or go out of business
Insurers: oh shit we’re fucked
Obama: right now health insurers are getting super-rich fucking over the American people
which is nice for them but kind of fucking sucks
for the rest of us
Audience: he’s got a point
Obama: dammit people right now the Insurer comes between you and your doctor - and getting rich by denying care when somebody gets sick is just fucking wrong!
Cleveland: will enroll in same public plan?
Obama: I’ve got the best health care in the world - I got tiger woods’ doctor dammit
Q: why are you going to Cleveland - did you lose
a bet or something?
Obama: read the Mayo Clinic blog - they
tweeted that they love me
Q: dood can a black man enter his own fucking house anymore?
Obama: I know very little about this incident with Skip Gates except every damm little fucking tiny detail
Audience: I see
Obama: hell I’ve been stopped by the Secret Service three times trying to enter the fucking White House
Obama: the Cambridge police acted stupidly for arresting a brother for entering his own motherfucking house - I mean all this was all
covered in the movie Soul Man for christ’s sake
C Thomas Howell: amen bro - catch me on Southland
Q: I’m black and now I’m going to back in my White House and watch America's Got Talent and make sweet love to my beautiful black wife in the motherfucking Lincoln bedroom
good night white fuckers!
By Culture of Truth