Meet The Press
July 12, 2009
Sen. John McCain
Sen. Chuck Schumer
Gregory: welcome back John I love you -
you’re my favorite failed politician
McCain: love you too Greggers
Gregory: ok the big story today is Dick
Cheney’s secret assassination squad
McCain: I know absolutely nothing about it
Gregory: so glad I invited you on the show then
McCain: who among us hasn’t run the
occasional gang of ruthless murderers?
Gregory: does it bother you that Congress
McCain: well you know the head of the CIA
probably didn’t know either
Gregory: should we prosecute Bush and Cheney for war crimes
McCain: I more than anyone have spoken out
very forcefully against those practices
Gregory: so yes?
McCain: oh no no
Gregory: why not
McCain: because it hurts America’s image
to not cover up our crimes
Gregory: what about accountability?
McCain: the people who ordered torture get last pick of of the cocktail weenies at Georgetown parties -
I think they've suffered enough
Gregory: were you surprised that Sarah Palin announced she’s resigning?
McCain: no she was always a major flake
Gregory: why did she quit
McCain: she didn’t quit
Gregory: yes she did
McCain: maybe but only because she was attacked when people pointed out her lack of ethics
Gregory: it seems kind of loopy
McCain: look I respected her realizing she can
best serve people by staying out of government
Gregory: will you endorse her in 2012
McCain: well you know we have many strong
young firm attractive candidates
Gregory: so you won’t
McCain: hey give me a break - when I chose her
I didn’t know she was out of her mind
Gregory: everyone knows her brief VP campaign was a total train wreck
McCain: not true she gave great eye-twinkle
Gregory: in fact your whole candidacy sucked
McCain: Lincoln Roosevelt Reagan whaaaaaa
Gregory: Obama’s poll numbers are down
McCain: the people have finally realized since
that debt is bad
Gregory: But Reagan, George HW Bush and George W Bush are the greaest debtors in history
McCain: it’s generational theft!
McCain: it’s crazy Obama bailed out AIG!
Gregory: no that was Bush
McCain: the GOP wanted a stimulus package!
Gregory: oh what was it?
McCain: we called for tax cuts!
Gregory: Obama defeated you so I ask you
- is Obama a big liar?
McCain: no not really
Gregory: no tell me he is old man
McCain: ok fine Greggers he lied because unemployment is still high six months
after he was sworn in
Gregory: so you favor another stimulus?
McCain: yes we should cut taxes
Gregory: health reform?
McCain: cut taxes!
Gregory: small business are failing
McCain: because taxes are too high!
Gregory: how should we reform health care?
McCain: now we have gold-plated health care
and we should just give that to everyone
Gregory: how so?
McCain: by cutting out the gold-plating and
going with aluminum
Gregory: should we raise taxes 1% on the richest 1%
McCain: that would kill the American economy!
Gregory: so what is your solution?
McCain: because of lawsuits doctors are ordering too many damn tests - I mean what is this fancy new Roentgen image machine?
Gregory: Afghanistan still sucks
McCain: yes we need more troops
Gregory: what should we do in Iran
McCain: tell the people of Iran we are totally with them in their protest against the government
Gregory: so send them arms or aid?
McCain: oh no no no, just change the colors of
our twitter gravtars
Gregory: that seems like useless grandstanding
McCain: why do you hate Neda?
[ break ]
Gregory: did you all misread the economy?
Schumer: yes we didn't realize how terrible the
Bush economy was
Gregory: but you live in New York - how could
you get it wrong??
Schumer: hey they said we going to enter another Great Depression
Gregory: but the Republicans were right when they said you needed a bigger stimulus!
Schumer: no Dave they wanted a smaller stimulus
Gregory: only if you go by reality
Schumer: the stimulus is working dammit
Gregory: [high pitched voice ] but states are using the money to stave off disaster that seems so wrong!
Schumer: we just needed to get shovels full of
cash in the economy
Gregory: [whiny voice] but it’s so slow!!
Schumer: hey dipshit this is not a 4 month plan
it’s a 2 year plan
Gregory: but Obama has been President for 6 months and there’s still unemployment and debt!
Schumer: lucky for us Obama has a long-term perspective unlike some jackass Sunday morning talk show hosts I could mention
Gregory: how are you going to pay for health
Schumer: well I have a lot of rich people in my
state so I want to cut costs
Gregory: would you raise taxes on the rich?
Schumer: oh noe!
Gregory: how about Sonia Sotomayor?
Schumer: she’s charming, smart, down to earth,
and makes a great paella
Gregory: should we prosecute torture just
because it’s a crime?
Schumer: let’s wait and see before we cover it up
Gregory: is Sarah Palin the future of the GOP?
Schumer: god I hope so
[ break ]
Gregory: holy shit Sarah Palin quit her job!
Simon: the GOP has collapsed like a supernova into a very very dense core of batshit crazy people and she speaks to them
Shrum: hell I'm sending her money
Simon: right now she could beat Mitt Romney
and Mike Huckabee
Shrum: Kim Jong-Il could be beat those two
Hughes: let’s be honest - this woman is a total whackjob
Gregory: that’s very frank Karen
Hughes: there’s a very fine line between clever
and stupid and she vaulted over it
Gregory: Andrea Mitchell she is so authentic she wears fishing waders at the National Press Club
Mitchell: it’s adorably mavericky
Gregory: so is she a quitter or a leader?
Mitchell: she would make a great President except she runs away whenever people criticize her
or her family
Gregory: but other than that she’s great
Mitchell: well also she’s not well-read and inexperienced
Gregory: can the GOP ever recover?
Hughes: the GOP plan is educating kids and providing health care
Gregory: that’s not what I heard
Hughes: since when
Gregory: since 1929
Shrum: the GOP is cheerleading for failure
Hughes: no we are all very concerned that
Obama has failed
Shrum: it’s fucking July morons!
Gregory: no he’s failed and there is no hope
and he’s a liar
Simon: Obama has given us a recession and ruined Bush’s surplus and the American people have given up on Obama and the GOP will rule America
for the next 25 years
Mitchell: it’s so sad how Obama has failed
Gregory: oh my god we’re all doomed!!!!
Shrum: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: [shreiking] aaaarrrrhhhhh!!!!!
Shrum: let me explain something you panicky twit - Obama will reform health care, grow jobs, gain seats in 2010, and he will be reelected in 2012
Mitchell: to be fair the plan did prevent a Depression
Hughes: oh no that was Bush giving tax money
Gregory: so what did Obama do wrong?
Hughes: he keeps giving bailouts to big companies
Gregory: of course
Gregory: speaking of Ghana should we absolve Bush for all his war crimes?
Hughes: of course we should - but look Obama went to Russia totally failed to eliminate nuclear weapons and not solve global warming
Shrum: oh my god this is a remarkably stupid panel
Gregory: can we ever prosecute torture?
Shrum: yes if you fail to follow a John Yoo memo you must truly be a sick fuck
Gregory: when will know when Obama has
Simon: oh he already has - his trip to Russia, meeting with the Pope, and the rapturous crowds in Ghana were spectacular but less than triumphant
Gregory: there you have it - Obama’s failure
to triumph of has doomed us all
by Culture of Truth