Sunday, July 12, 2009

Meet The Press - July 12, 2009

Meet The Press
July 12, 2009
Sen. John McCain
Sen. Chuck Schumer
Gregory: welcome back John I love you -
you’re my favorite failed politician

McCain: love you too Greggers

Gregory: ok the big story today is Dick
Cheney’s secret assassination squad

McCain: I know absolutely nothing about it

Gregory: so glad I invited you on the show then

McCain: who among us hasn’t run the
occasional gang of ruthless murderers?

Gregory: does it bother you that Congress
didn’t know?

McCain: well you know the head of the CIA
probably didn’t know either

Gregory: should we prosecute Bush and Cheney for war crimes

McCain: I more than anyone have spoken out
very forcefully against those practices

Gregory: so yes?

McCain: oh no no

Gregory: why not

McCain: because it hurts America’s image
to not cover up our crimes

Gregory: what about accountability?

McCain: the people who ordered torture get last pick of of the cocktail weenies at Georgetown parties -
I think they've suffered enough

Gregory: were you surprised that Sarah Palin announced she’s resigning?

McCain: no she was always a major flake

Gregory: why did she quit

McCain: she didn’t quit

Gregory: yes she did

McCain: maybe but only because she was attacked when people pointed out her lack of ethics

Gregory: it seems kind of loopy

McCain: look I respected her realizing she can
best serve people by staying out of government

Gregory: will you endorse her in 2012

McCain: well you know we have many strong
young firm attractive candidates

Gregory: so you won’t

McCain: hey give me a break - when I chose her
I didn’t know she was out of her mind

Gregory: everyone knows her brief VP campaign was a total train wreck

McCain: not true she gave great eye-twinkle

Gregory: in fact your whole candidacy sucked

McCain: Lincoln Roosevelt Reagan whaaaaaa

Gregory: Obama’s poll numbers are down

McCain: the people have finally realized since
that debt is bad

Gregory: But Reagan, George HW Bush and George W Bush are the greaest debtors in history

McCain: it’s generational theft!

Gregory: okay

McCain: it’s crazy Obama bailed out AIG!

Gregory: no that was Bush

McCain: the GOP wanted a stimulus package!

Gregory: oh what was it?

McCain: we called for tax cuts!

Gregory: Obama defeated you so I ask you
- is Obama a big liar?

McCain: no not really

Gregory: no tell me he is old man

McCain: ok fine Greggers he lied because unemployment is still high six months
after he was sworn in

Gregory: so you favor another stimulus?

McCain: yes we should cut taxes

Gregory: health reform?

McCain: cut taxes!

Gregory: small business are failing

McCain: because taxes are too high!

Gregory: how should we reform health care?

McCain: now we have gold-plated health care
and we should just give that to everyone

Gregory: how so?

McCain: by cutting out the gold-plating and
going with aluminum

Gregory: should we raise taxes 1% on the richest 1%

McCain: that would kill the American economy!

Gregory: so what is your solution?

McCain: because of lawsuits doctors are ordering too many damn tests - I mean what is this fancy new Roentgen image machine?

Gregory: Afghanistan still sucks

McCain: yes we need more troops

Gregory: what should we do in Iran

McCain: tell the people of Iran we are totally with them in their protest against the government

Gregory: so send them arms or aid?

McCain: oh no no no, just change the colors of
our twitter gravtars

Gregory: that seems like useless grandstanding

McCain: why do you hate Neda?

[ break ]

Gregory: did you all misread the economy?

Schumer: yes we didn't realize how terrible the
Bush economy was

Gregory: but you live in New York - how could
you get it wrong??

Schumer: hey they said we going to enter another Great Depression

Gregory: but the Republicans were right when they said you needed a bigger stimulus!

Schumer: no Dave they wanted a smaller stimulus

Gregory: only if you go by reality

Schumer: the stimulus is working dammit

Gregory: [high pitched voice ] but states are using the money to stave off disaster that seems so wrong!

Schumer: we just needed to get shovels full of
cash in the economy

Gregory: [whiny voice] but it’s so slow!!

Schumer: hey dipshit this is not a 4 month plan
it’s a 2 year plan

Gregory: but Obama has been President for 6 months and there’s still unemployment and debt!

Schumer: lucky for us Obama has a long-term perspective unlike some jackass Sunday morning talk show hosts I could mention

Gregory: how are you going to pay for health
care reform?

Schumer: well I have a lot of rich people in my
state so I want to cut costs

Gregory: would you raise taxes on the rich?

Schumer: oh noe!

Gregory: how about Sonia Sotomayor?

Schumer: she’s charming, smart, down to earth,
and makes a great paella

Gregory: should we prosecute torture just
because it’s a crime?

Schumer: let’s wait and see before we cover it up

Gregory: is Sarah Palin the future of the GOP?

Schumer: god I hope so

[ break ]

Gregory: holy shit Sarah Palin quit her job!

Simon: the GOP has collapsed like a supernova into a very very dense core of batshit crazy people and she speaks to them

Gregory: wow

Shrum: hell I'm sending her money

Simon: right now she could beat Mitt Romney
and Mike Huckabee

Shrum: Kim Jong-Il could be beat those two

Hughes: let’s be honest - this woman is a total whackjob

Gregory: that’s very frank Karen

Hughes: there’s a very fine line between clever
and stupid and she vaulted over it

Gregory: Andrea Mitchell she is so authentic she wears fishing waders at the National Press Club

Mitchell: it’s adorably mavericky

Gregory: so is she a quitter or a leader?

Mitchell: she would make a great President except she runs away whenever people criticize her
or her family

Gregory: but other than that she’s great

Mitchell: well also she’s not well-read and inexperienced

Gregory: can the GOP ever recover?

Hughes: the GOP plan is educating kids and providing health care

Gregory: that’s not what I heard

Hughes: since when

Gregory: since 1929

Shrum: the GOP is cheerleading for failure

Hughes: no we are all very concerned that
Obama has failed

Shrum: it’s fucking July morons!

Gregory: no he’s failed and there is no hope
and he’s a liar

Simon: Obama has given us a recession and ruined Bush’s surplus and the American people have given up on Obama and the GOP will rule America
for the next 25 years

Mitchell: it’s so sad how Obama has failed

Gregory: oh my god we’re all doomed!!!!

Shrum: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: [shreiking] aaaarrrrhhhhh!!!!!

Shrum: let me explain something you panicky twit - Obama will reform health care, grow jobs, gain seats in 2010, and he will be reelected in 2012

Mitchell: to be fair the plan did prevent a Depression

Hughes: oh no that was Bush giving tax money
to AIG

Gregory: so what did Obama do wrong?

Hughes: he keeps giving bailouts to big companies

Gregory: of course

Gregory: speaking of Ghana should we absolve Bush for all his war crimes?

Hughes: of course we should - but look Obama went to Russia totally failed to eliminate nuclear weapons and not solve global warming

Shrum: oh my god this is a remarkably stupid panel

Gregory: can we ever prosecute torture?

Shrum: yes if you fail to follow a John Yoo memo you must truly be a sick fuck

Gregory: when will know when Obama has
totally failed?

Simon: oh he already has - his trip to Russia, meeting with the Pope, and the rapturous crowds in Ghana were spectacular but less than triumphant

Gregory: there you have it - Obama’s failure
to triumph of has doomed us all
by Culture of Truth


Anonymous said...

Love it. If not for convoluted logic, McCain would have no logic at all.

Anonymous said...

Fav exchange:

Gregory: can the GOP ever recover?

Hughes: the GOP plan is educating kids and providing health care

Gregory: that’s not what I heard

Hughes: since when

Gregory: since 1929