Sunday, September 21, 2014

This Week with George Stephanopoulos – September 21, 2014

Jon Karl
Bob Woodruff
Martha Raddatz
Samantha Power – U.S. Amb. to U.N.
Bob Gates
Mike Tiricio
Ryan Smith
Christine Brennan

Stephanopoulos: omg we're at war
again which is awesome but don't
we need to invade Syria?

Karl: even the French are
bombing ISIS

Stephanopoulos: holy crap

Karl: Obama has pitched war
against ISIS five times in the last
month but he doesn't want to
invade Syria which is so sad

Stephanopoulos: but we need to invade
Syria or it won't be a fun war to cover

Karl: Obama's generals disagree with
him and we know this because Dempsey
said he might recommend ground troops
if necessary because of course he did

Stephanopoulos: so are these
moderate Syrian rebels anyway

Obama: they are dentists and blacksmiths

Audience: I hope those are separate jobs

Moderate Syrian Rebel: this makes
me proud – was not Paul Revere of
your American revolution a blacksmith?

Woodruff: will weapons we give you
end up in the hands of terrorists?

Moderate Syrian Rebel: oh no we
will be very careful to make 
sure this will not happen

Woodruff: are you asking for US troops?

Moderate Syrian Rebel: no we are not
asking for anyone else to fight our war for us

Woodruff: well maybe just a little

Vice Reporter: we went to Syria and 
found ordinary Syrians determined 
to save their country

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: welcome Ambassador Power

Power: good morning George

Stephanopoulos: will the U.S. get 
UN Security Council authorization 
to start a war with Syria?

Power: maybe

Stephanopoulos: but Russia might veto

Power: or they might not

Stephanopoulos: you don't sound optimistic

Power: it doesn't matter – we have a
legal basis to bomb anyway

Stephanopoulos: even without
Security Council authorization?

Power: don't look so shocked George –
we bomb who we want to bomb when
and where we want to bomb them

Stephanopoulos: has any country
agreed to join us in a war with Syria?

Power: well France is bombing now

Stephanopoulos: but only in Iraq
they're not bombing Syria

Power: well we're not bombing Syria either

Stephanopoulos: and I can't tell you 
how disappointed I am by that

Power: sorry George

Stephanopoulos: even Britain won't
commit to bombing Syria – it's so unfair

Power: trust me Stephy – we won't
be bombing Syria alone

Stephanopoulos: what about Iran?

Power: did you know you can't trust Assad?

Stephanopoulos: I've heard that

Power: we need to Iran to get that message

Stephanopoulos: some say we need troops
on the ground if we are going to defeat ISIS

Power: there are troops on the ground
Syrian troops and Iraqi troops

Stephanopoulos: oh what a relief
how long will this take anyway?

Power: oh just two to twenty years

Stephanopoulos: yikes

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: General Dempsey 
said he would recommend ground 
troops if necessary!

Raddatz: it's a rift between Obama
and his generals! OMG!

Stephanopoulos: ha ha! I love it!

Raddatz: to be fair Obama is really
saying he won't send a massive
American invading army

Stephanopoulos: what's the use of having
a massive Army if we're not going to use it
to invade another country every few years?

Raddatz: good point George

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: welcome General Gates

Gates: nice to see you George

Stephanopoulos: is Obama's plan
doomed or is he lying?

Gates: oh don't be ridiculous George

Stephanopoulos: I can't help it

Gates: Martha was right – the President
is just trying to avoid a big useless
counter-productive invasion

Stephanopoulos: so would you approve 
the President's plan if you were 
still defense secretary?

Gates: yes I would

Stephanopoulos: well you are no fun at all

Gates: I eat people like you for breakfast Stephers

Stephanopoulos: if we invade are we
just giving ISIS what they want which 
is the U.S. bogged do in another 
middle east war?

Gates: we need to step back from this
cauldron of violence and and saucepan
of dysfunction and chafing dish of hate

Stephanopoulos: so you don't think
we should destroy ISIS?

Gates: well I do think we should
drive them out of Iraq and into
Syria so they can never attack America

Stephanopoulos: is that the way it works?

Gates: look we've been at war with
al-Qaeda for over a decade and
we haven't destroyed them yet

Stephanopoulos: practice makes perfect

Reporter: OMG Ray Rice punched his
girlfriend and knocked her unconscious and
Roger Goodell got really mad and
suspended him for two games

Expert: this is a lesson on 
how not to handle a crisis

Reporter: we just now we learned that
the Ravens and probably everyone knew
all about the second video where Ray Rice
punches her so hard she flies against
the back wall of the elevator

Stephanopoulos: shocking news indeed

Reporter: two days ago Roger Goodell
held a terrible press conference where
said from now on the NFL will pretend
to care about domestic violence

Stephanopoulos: problem solved then

Stephanopoulos: Mike will fans stop
watching the NFL and if they don't
why should the NFL ever change?

Tirico: well George you can't expect
fans can't stop watching now –
they all have fantasy football teams
which are terribly important even
though they don't actually exist

Stephanopoulos: Christine how bad
was that press conference?

Brennan: awful – Goodell could have
projected empathy or humanity or
at least a non-robot corporate persona

Stephanopoulos: he did apologize

Brennan: he a lot to apologize for

Stephanopoulos: snap

Stephanopoulos: does Goodell lose his job?

Smith: that depends on if Robert
Mueller finds out he lied

Stephanopoulos: is it time for the
team owners to step up and not be
assholes or is that asking too much
from out-of-touch megalomaniac billionaires?

Tirico: they have to find a balance
between finding talented football players
who are not also violently abusive criminals

Stephanopoulos: what about the 
other leagues?

Brennan: we haven't heard from
other major sports and they probably
have terrible abusers also

Stephanopoulos: quite likely

Smith: everyone wants swift and decisive
action but the athletes do have contracts
and collective bargaining

Brennan: I'm not defending the NFL
but at least they funding an abuse hotline
where is major league baseball?

Stephanopoulos: I believe they a building
shrine of gold made from melted down
Canadian Word Series trophies over the
place where Derek Jeter ascended in heaven

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