Sunday, May 11, 2014

This Week with George Stephanopoulos – May 11, 2014

Host: Martha Raddatz
Hamish MacDonald
Terry Moran
Jon Karl
Pierre Thomas
Jeff Zeleny
Alex Marquardt
Christine Brennan
John Donvan
Chuck Hagel – Sec. of Defense
Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)
Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL)
Richard Clarke
Donna Bazile
Bill Kristol
Michael Smerconish

Raddatz: what the hell is going on in Nigeria?

MacDonald: there are accusations that
the Nigerian government knew
about kidnapping of the girls in advance

Amnesty International: it's outrageous!

Hayden: the USA is listening
to all cell phone calls in Nigeria

MacDonald: it nice that you're doing
this surveillance to help get the girls back

Hayden: well we were doing it anyway

MacDonald: people want other countries
to help but foreign involvement could
put the girls in more danger

Raddatz: yikes

MacDonald: it's not good Martha

[ break ]

Raddatz: Ukraine is still close
to civil war!

Marquardt: it looks like people in the
East will vote to leave Ukraine

Raddatz: democracy!

Marquardt: but many people
are voting more than once

Raddatz: well nothing is perfect

Marquardt: also there are men
with guns everywhere

Raddatz: Terry what's happening in Moscow?

Moran: Putin is suddenly talking
reasonably but people here still love him

Raddatz: he's a righteous dude

Moran: Putin got into a hockey
game and scored six goals

[ break ]

Raddatz: omg the NFL will have
its first openly gay player

Brennan: it's a big deal because
the NFL is the most popular
sport in America after competitive eating

Raddatz: that's remarkable

Brennan: the whole country
needed a gay tight end

Raddatz: of course a player on the
bullying Dolphins was the first to
attack with anti-gay slurs

Brennan: he got all squeamish
about two guys kissing

Raddatz: can Sam make the team?

Brennan: I think he will – he's good

[ break ]

Raddatz: there's a growing scandal
at the Veterans Affairs

Reporter: one soldier waited 
a year to see a doctor

Veteran: soldiers did their 
part but the VA isn't doing theirs

Raddatz: welcome Chuck Hagel

Hagel: hi Martha

Raddatz: should General Shinseki resign?

Hagel: we need accountability
all the way down the goddamn chain

Raddatz: we fought two wars –
shouldn't we have seen a backlog coming?

Hagel: indeed we should have 
foreseen a huge number of 
returning veterans back in 2001

Raddatz: damn that Shinseki!

Hagel: [ sigh ]

Raddatz: should US special ops go
into Nigeria and get those girls back?

Hagel: well you know Nigeria
is another country

Raddatz: what's your point?

Hagel: [ sigh ]

Raddatz: is Russia an enemy of the US?

Hagel: define 'enemy'

Raddatz: 'adversary'

Hagel: that's simplistic

Raddatz: well this is a Sunday talk show

Hagel: [ sigh ]

Raddatz: can our drones be hacked?

Hagel: you've been watching “24” 
again haven't you?

Raddatz: I love Jack Bauer!

Hagel: [ sigh ]

Raddatz: what about trans-gender soldiers?

Hagel: it's too confusing and
there's no room for confusion
on the front lines of a war

Raddatz: I see

Hagel: but heck we need anybody
we can possibly get still willing 
to fight our unpopular wars

[ break ]

Karl: welcome to New Hampshire Marco

Rubio: hi Jonathan

Rubio you are running for
President in 2016

Rubio: yes I am

Karl: will you quit the Senate
if you run for President?

Rubio: yes I will

Karl: are you ready to be President?

Rubio: yes I'm almost 43 years old

Karl: you think you're qualified?

Rubio: yes I do

Karl: really?

Rubio: yes

Karl: are you sure?

Rubio: um maybe

Karl: you were on the cover
Time magazine and now you
poll below noted racist Donald Trump

Rubio: it's the Time cover jinx!

Karl: have you given
up on immigration reform?

Rubio: no I also stopped
talking about Libya

Karl: yes but this is your signature issue

Rubio: no now my signature issue is Benghazi

Karl: there have already been
thirteen investigations –
do we really need another one?

Rubio: yes we are concerned
about the families of the four victims

Karl: perhaps but Republicans
are raising money off Benghazi

Rubio: that's unfortunate but we
need the money so we can impeach
Obama in honor of the families

Karl: isn't this really about
getting Hillary Clinton?

Rubio: yes of course it is

Karl: what grade do you give
Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State

Rubio: an F

Karl: thank you for that objective opinion

Rubio: I do my best

Karl: climate change would
hurt Florida in particular

Rubio: I don't agree with the
scientists on climate change

Karl: you don't?

Rubio: no the climate always
changes and disasters always happen

Karl: so you don't believe human
activity causes climate change?

Rubio: not at all

Karl: all the scientists are wrong?

Rubio: yes and their solution
would destroy the economy

Karl: wow

[ break ]

Raddatz: OMG Hillary Clinton might
run for President but first we 
must talk about Benghazi
and Monica Lewinsky!

Kristol: Vanity Fair published an essay
by Monica Lewinsky which is proof
of a vast pro-Hillary Clinton conspiracy

Raddatz: I love how crazy you are

Brazile: that is insane – Monica is
not going to hurt or help Hillary

Smerconish: it helps Clinton –
it reminds people of all the crazy shit 
Hillary went through

Raddatz: good point

Smerconish: who's going to say –
'I won't vote for Hillary because 
her husband cheated on her'

Raddatz: Adam you're younger than Monica!

Brazile: oh god I feel old

Kinzinger: Hillary Clinton wrecked
America for all time

Raddatz: you're talking about
Benghazi aren't you

Smerconish: let's kill more terrorists

Brazile: let's make all embassies impregnable

Raddatz: hold on hold on –
let's get back to blaming
Hillary for Benghazi

Kristol: how did our wonderful Libya
policy get so botched that a
consulate was attacked?

Raddatz: well we did invade a country
and you supported it

Kristol: that's true but they said the
attack was motivated by a YouTube
video which is impeachable

Kinzinger: when I was in the
military I was told I would never
be attacked or killed ever

Raddatz: amazing

Kinzinger: the administration cheapened
the deaths of four Americans

Brazile: your party is raising money
off their deaths!

Kinzinger: true but the administration
said the attack was about a YouTube
video and not about terrorism – only
American deaths from global terror
bring honor to the Homeland!

Brazile: what a crock of shit –
Obama called it terrorism the next day

Raddatz: ok here's today's Trivia Question – 'who was the first first Lady to give 
birth in the White House'?

Kinzinger: I don't know but happy mothers day

Smerconish: Lincoln?

Kristol: Sally Field?

Brazile: someone in the 19th century

Roberts: Martha Jefferson Randolph
and it was a terrible experience

Raddatz: why was that? aside from
giving birth in the 18th century being
more dangerous than skydiving
without a parachute

Roberts: under Thomas Jefferson the
White House was a bachelor pad
with discarded wine bottles and
empty pizza boxes littering the Oval Office

[ break ]

Raddatz: omg even the New York Times
said Obama is weak and dithering!

Hagel: fuck that shit

Raddatz: but America hasn't
been killing enough people lately

Hagel: that's true

Raddatz: we're not scary anymore!

Hagel: we're wise in our use of power

Raddatz: so Chuck Hagel
admits America is weak!

Kristol: that's appalling – we need
to invade another country now!

Raddatz: fuck yeah!

Kristol: Obama refused to put
Boko Haram on the terror list
because he is very weak!

Raddatz: yes! so weak!

Brazile: that's not true

Rad: what about Syria?

Brazile: yes the red line was a
dumb comment and Syria required bold action

Raddatz: wow you're a bad
spokesperson for liberals

Brazile: I know my place Martha

Raddatz: Adam should 
General Shinseki resign?

Kinzinger: I'm not ready to say that

Raddatz: no! he must resign!

Kinzinger: okay okay

Smerconish: many veterans are
addicted to heroin and become criminals

Raddatz: it's all Obama's fault 
for bringing our soldiers home

[ break ]

Thomas: is Ed Snowden a traitor?

Snowden: I could have stolen the
names of undercover agents and I didn't

Thomas: he revealed that Verizon
handed over metadata!

Snowden: I don't want to live
in a world where everything
I do and think is recorded

ACLU: we are finally having a
debate because of Snowden!

Thomas: did Congress know 
what you were doing?

Alexander: yes and no

Raddatz: did Ed Snowden
hurt American's security?

Clarke: I know he did!

Raddatz: how?

Clarke: terrorists have stopped using
methods he disclosed and now we
can't stop the next terror attack

Raddatz: but he revealed the 
collection of metadata!

Clarke: it was a stupid program

Raddatz: so that's a silver lining

Clarke: that's a pretty small silver lining

Raddatz: you wrote a novel about drones

Clarke: it's about what if America
is attacked by drones?!

Raddatz: oh shit I didn't even think of that

Clarke: terrorists could get a drone

Raddatz: holy. fucking. shit.

Clarke: did I scare you?

Raddatz: you just blew my
motherfucking mind

[ break ]

Donovan: the Washington monument
is finally open again!

Raddatz: yay!!

Donvan: remember that Beltway earthquake?

Raddatz: I felt the earth move and
it felt so good I thought America
started another war

Donvan: construction on the Washington
Monument was stopped halfway 
through because the builders 
ran out of money for 100 years

Raddatz: damn Obama!

Expert: did you know there's no
mortar in the stones – they just sit there

Donvan: amazing – the Washington
Monument is just a big pile of stones

Raddatz: and that's another
episode of This Week

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Bobblespeak (and Charlie Pierce occasionally) show us the Sunday spews. Bravo.