Host: Martha Raddatz
Correspondents:
Hamish
MacDonald
Terry
Moran
Jon
Karl
Pierre
Thomas
Jeff
Zeleny
Alex
Marquardt
Christine
Brennan
John
Donvan
Guests:
Chuck
Hagel – Sec. of Defense
Sen.
Marco Rubio (R-FL)
Rep.
Adam Kinzinger (R-IL)
Richard
Clarke
Donna
Bazile
Bill
Kristol
Michael
Smerconish
Raddatz:
what the hell is going on in Nigeria?
MacDonald:
there are accusations that
the
Nigerian government knew
about
kidnapping of the girls in advance
Amnesty
International: it's outrageous!
Hayden:
the USA is listening
to
all cell phone calls in Nigeria
MacDonald:
it nice that you're doing
this
surveillance to help get the girls back
Hayden:
well we were doing it anyway
MacDonald:
people want other countries
to
help but foreign involvement could
put
the girls in more danger
Raddatz:
yikes
MacDonald:
it's not good Martha
[
break ]
Raddatz:
Ukraine is still close
to
civil war!
Marquardt:
it looks like people in the
East
will vote to leave Ukraine
Raddatz:
democracy!
Marquardt:
but many people
are
voting more than once
Raddatz:
well nothing is perfect
Marquardt:
also there are men
with
guns everywhere
Raddatz:
Terry what's happening in Moscow?
Moran:
Putin is suddenly talking
reasonably
but people here still love him
Raddatz:
he's a righteous dude
Moran:
Putin got into a hockey
game
and scored six goals
[ break ]
Raddatz:
omg the NFL will have
its
first openly gay player
Brennan:
it's a big deal because
the
NFL is the most popular
sport
in America after competitive eating
Raddatz:
that's remarkable
Brennan:
the whole country
needed
a gay tight end
Raddatz:
of course a player on the
bullying
Dolphins was the first to
attack
with anti-gay slurs
Brennan:
he got all squeamish
about
two guys kissing
Raddatz:
can Sam make the team?
Brennan:
I think he will – he's good
[
break ]
Raddatz:
there's a growing scandal
at
the Veterans Affairs
Reporter:
one soldier waited
a year to see a doctor
Veteran:
soldiers did their
part but the VA isn't doing theirs
Raddatz:
welcome Chuck Hagel
Hagel:
hi Martha
Raddatz:
should General Shinseki resign?
Hagel:
we need accountability
all
the way down the goddamn chain
Raddatz:
we fought two wars –
shouldn't
we have seen a backlog coming?
Hagel:
indeed we should have
foreseen a
huge number of
returning veterans
back in 2001
Raddatz:
damn that Shinseki!
Hagel:
[ sigh ]
Raddatz:
should US special ops go
into
Nigeria and get those girls back?
Hagel:
well you know Nigeria
is
another country
Raddatz:
what's your point?
Hagel:
[ sigh ]
Raddatz:
is Russia an enemy of the US?
Hagel:
define 'enemy'
Raddatz:
'adversary'
Hagel:
that's simplistic
Raddatz:
well this is a Sunday talk show
Hagel:
[ sigh ]
Raddatz:
can our drones be hacked?
Hagel:
you've been watching “24”
again haven't you?
again haven't you?
Raddatz:
I love Jack Bauer!
Hagel:
[ sigh ]
Raddatz:
what about trans-gender soldiers?
Hagel:
it's too confusing and
there's
no room for confusion
on
the front lines of a war
Raddatz:
I see
Hagel:
but heck we need anybody
we can possibly get still willing
to fight our unpopular wars
[ break ]
Karl:
welcome to New Hampshire Marco
Rubio:
hi Jonathan
Rubio
you are running for
President
in 2016
Rubio:
yes I am
Karl:
will you quit the Senate
if
you run for President?
Rubio:
yes I will
Karl:
are you ready to be President?
Rubio:
yes I'm almost 43 years old
Karl:
you think you're qualified?
Rubio:
yes I do
Karl:
really?
Rubio:
yes
Karl:
are you sure?
Rubio:
um maybe
Karl:
you were on the cover
Time
magazine and now you
poll
below noted racist Donald Trump
Rubio:
it's the Time cover jinx!
Karl:
have you given
up
on immigration reform?
Rubio:
no I also stopped
talking
about Libya
Karl:
yes but this is your signature issue
Rubio:
no now my signature issue is Benghazi
Karl:
there have already been
thirteen investigations –
do
we really need another one?
Rubio:
yes we are concerned
about
the families of the four victims
Karl:
perhaps but Republicans
are
raising money off Benghazi
Rubio:
that's unfortunate but we
need
the money so we can impeach
Obama
in honor of the families
Karl:
isn't this really about
getting
Hillary Clinton?
Rubio:
yes of course it is
Karl:
what grade do you give
Hillary
Clinton as Secretary of State
Rubio:
an F
Karl:
thank you for that objective opinion
Rubio:
I do my best
Karl:
climate change would
hurt
Florida in particular
Rubio:
I don't agree with the
scientists
on climate change
Karl:
you don't?
Rubio:
no the climate always
changes
and disasters always happen
Karl:
so you don't believe human
activity
causes climate change?
Rubio:
not at all
Karl:
all the scientists are wrong?
Rubio:
yes and their solution
would
destroy the economy
Karl:
wow
[
break ]
Raddatz:
OMG Hillary Clinton might
run
for President but first we
must talk about Benghazi
and
Monica Lewinsky!
Kristol:
Vanity Fair published an essay
by
Monica Lewinsky which is proof
of
a vast pro-Hillary Clinton conspiracy
Raddatz:
I love how crazy you are
Brazile:
that is insane – Monica is
not
going to hurt or help Hillary
Smerconish:
it helps Clinton –
it
reminds people of all the crazy shit
Hillary went through
Raddatz:
good point
Smerconish:
who's going to say –
'I
won't vote for Hillary because
her husband cheated on her'
Raddatz:
Adam you're younger than Monica!
Brazile:
oh god I feel old
Kinzinger:
Hillary Clinton wrecked
America
for all time
Raddatz:
you're talking about
Benghazi
aren't you
Smerconish:
let's kill more terrorists
Brazile:
let's make all embassies impregnable
Raddatz:
hold on hold on –
let's
get back to blaming
Hillary
for Benghazi
Kristol:
how did our wonderful Libya
policy
get so botched that a
consulate
was attacked?
Raddatz:
well we did invade a country
and
you supported it
Kristol:
that's true but they said the
attack
was motivated by a YouTube
video
which is impeachable
Kinzinger:
when I was in the
military
I was told I would never
be
attacked or killed ever
Raddatz:
amazing
Kinzinger:
the administration cheapened
the
deaths of four Americans
Brazile:
your party is raising money
off
their deaths!
Kinzinger:
true but the administration
said
the attack was about a YouTube
video
and not about terrorism – only
American
deaths from global terror
bring
honor to the Homeland!
Brazile:
what a crock of shit –
Obama
called it terrorism the next day
Raddatz:
ok here's today's Trivia Question – 'who was the first first Lady
to give
birth in the White House'?
Kinzinger:
I don't know but happy mothers day
Smerconish:
Lincoln?
Kristol:
Sally Field?
Brazile:
someone in the 19th
century
Roberts:
Martha Jefferson Randolph
and
it was a terrible experience
Raddatz:
why was that? aside from
giving
birth in the 18th
century being
more
dangerous than skydiving
without
a parachute
Roberts:
under Thomas Jefferson the
White
House was a bachelor pad
with
discarded wine bottles and
empty
pizza boxes littering the Oval Office
[
break ]
Raddatz:
omg even the New York Times
said
Obama is weak and dithering!
Hagel:
fuck that shit
Raddatz:
but America hasn't
been
killing enough people lately
Hagel:
that's true
Raddatz:
we're not scary anymore!
Hagel:
we're wise in our use of power
Raddatz:
so Chuck Hagel
admits
America is weak!
Kristol:
that's appalling – we need
to
invade another country now!
Raddatz:
fuck yeah!
Kristol:
Obama refused to put
Boko
Haram on the terror list
because
he is very weak!
Raddatz:
yes! so weak!
Brazile:
that's not true
Rad:
what about Syria?
Brazile:
yes the red line was a
dumb
comment and Syria required bold action
Raddatz:
wow you're a bad
spokesperson
for liberals
Brazile:
I know my place Martha
Raddatz:
Adam should
General Shinseki resign?
Kinzinger:
I'm not ready to say that
Raddatz:
no! he must resign!
Kinzinger:
okay okay
Smerconish:
many veterans are
addicted
to heroin and become criminals
Raddatz:
it's all Obama's fault
for bringing our soldiers home
[
break ]
Thomas:
is Ed Snowden a traitor?
Snowden:
I could have stolen the
names
of undercover agents and I didn't
Thomas:
he revealed that Verizon
handed
over metadata!
Snowden:
I don't want to live
in
a world where everything
I
do and think is recorded
ACLU:
we are finally having a
debate
because of Snowden!
Thomas:
did Congress know
what you were doing?
Alexander:
yes and no
Raddatz:
did Ed Snowden
hurt
American's security?
Clarke:
I know he did!
Raddatz:
how?
Clarke:
terrorists have stopped using
methods
he disclosed and now we
can't
stop the next terror attack
Raddatz:
but he revealed the
collection of metadata!
Clarke:
it was a stupid program
Raddatz:
so that's a silver lining
Clarke:
that's a pretty small silver lining
Raddatz:
you wrote a novel about drones
Clarke:
it's about what if America
is
attacked by drones?!
Raddatz:
oh shit I didn't even think of that
Clarke:
terrorists could get a drone
Raddatz:
holy. fucking. shit.
Clarke:
did I scare you?
Raddatz:
you just blew my
motherfucking
mind
[ break ]
Donovan:
the Washington monument
is
finally open again!
Raddatz:
yay!!
Donvan:
remember that Beltway earthquake?
Raddatz:
I felt the earth move and
it
felt so good I thought America
started
another war
Donvan:
construction on the Washington
Monument
was stopped halfway
through because
the builders
ran out of money for 100 years
Raddatz:
damn Obama!
Expert:
did you know there's no
mortar
in the stones – they just sit there
Donvan:
amazing – the Washington
Monument
is just a big pile of stones
Raddatz:
and that's another
episode
of This Week
1 comment:
Bobblespeak (and Charlie Pierce occasionally) show us the Sunday spews. Bravo.
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