Democratic Presidential Debate
November 15, 2007
Las Vegas Nevada
Wolf Blizter: let's introduce the candidates......
Senator John Edwards!
"damm i'm cute"
Senator Chris Dodd!
"how come no one like me?"
Senator Barack Obama!!
"damm i'm smokin' hot"
Senator Hillary Clinton
"should i shake hands? yes-wait-maybe not - okay i will"
"is that a ufo? oh no it's joe biden's head"
"yo soy runnning for veece president"
hi i'm wolf blitzer if a candidate strays from the topic i will gently whip them with my beard-brush
Campbell Brown: first question Hillary are you a Clintonian parsing bitch
Hillary: ahm wearing my asbestos pantsuit bitch
Hillary: let me say this about my opponents - fuck all of them
Leslie: Obama do you think hillary is a lying bitch
Obama: she is the biggest liar ever - look at driver's licenses or social security or the size and shape of bill's penis where's the straight talk???
Leslie: billary how big is it?
Hillary: he's not honest either his fake health care plan doesn't cover everyone whereas my fake health care plan does
Obama: she promises everything and i don't - who's dishonest now?
Hillary: let's be honest Barack covers kids but what about tweens where's the love for Hannah Montana oh noes
Protestor: Biofuels bitches!!!
Obama: holy crap look what happened to Martin Luther King and Malcolm X should I be ducking right now
Edwards: Hillary hates social secuity, she voted for Bush's war, and is corrupt because she loves lobbyists
Hillary: can i talk
Leslie: by all means darling
Hillary: i don't mind attacks on my but when you go after my kitty-cat that's where i draw the line
Leslie: she's got you there pretty boy
Edwards: oh noes
Leslie: Franken-Biden you talk
Biden: Drugs!! Bad!!
Wolf: what else?
Biden: who among us is going to end the war and pick up the phone and order pakistani food in the District? In the 1970's i was ordering indian food while Edwards was still a kid!!
Wolf: calm down everyone but Kucinich will get to talk tonite
John Roberts: Edwards you are a big flip flopper
Edwards: yeah but i bend with the political winds and she calculates all her answers
Edwards: you had a troll on CNN for the last debate
Roberts: well that's not a very nice thing to say about Lou Dobbs
Kucinich: as an elf i agree
Wolfie: Senator Dodd why is John Edwards so pretty and yet so angry?
Dodd: as the only white haired white man i can say people want someone as president who looks like a movie-style president and i am that man!!!
Richardson: my name is bill richardson and i am running for hillary clinton's vice president
Wolf: bold move
Richardson: give peas a chance
Wolf: i love them with cheese and butter and a knife
Richardson: that's what i'm saying dood
Leslie: will you all support the nominee whoever it is??
Biden: no and i'm not joking
Kucinich: no they're all warmongers
Brown: please hate on illegal immigrants
Obama: yes it's true George Bush is a terrible president Cambell Brown and yes it's easy to blame illegal immigrants for Bush's economy isn't it convenient how that works
Brown: so sad
Obama: we have to start tasing employers who hire illegals
Leslie: let me ask you about the biggest issue in America: driver's licenses for illegals yes or no
Obama: oh my god Wolf you are THE dumbest motherfucker i have ever met
Leslie: yes or no!?!
Obama: maybe yes maybe no
Lesie: yes or no this is the most important issue ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Edwards: no - but let be more thorough
Leslie: no shut up
Leslie: thank you
Obama: can i say yes now
Kucinich: there is no such thing as an illegal person
Leslie: you scare me little man
Kucinich: fuck you wolfie you brainless twit
Richardson: hell i already gave licenses to illegal immmigrants
Wolfie: well but all your relatives are probably illegal immigrants
Richardson: this is complex-
Wolf: shut up pedro
Roberts: let's talk about a non-federal issue like firing teachers who teach students who don't do well on our fake tests
Dodd: i like kids and i hate bush
Dodd: i started the congressional Children's Caucus
audience: did you ever wonder why Mark Foley attended every week
Leslie: do u hate unions?
Richardson: we need to have kindergarten last all day
audience: put mark foley on that too
Leslie: hillary what if there is a teacher who shows up for work every day and act like a total moron
Clinton: i'm looking at someone like that right now Wolfie
Biden: my wife proved she was a great teacher by leaving teaching to get two master's degrees
Biden: it's not like teachers are getting rich you know
Wolf: fucking filthy teat-sucking teachers
Biden: pay them more mone-
Wolf: shut up baldy
Brown: Biden you spoke to Musharraf last week for god's sake why???
Biden: Brown you have maintained CNN's perfect record of total shitheadedness tonight
Brown: thanks dude
Biden: in fact i don't like Pervez and i have a detailed Pakistan plan and no one else does
Brown: you bore me smart-person
Wolf: omg Pakistan has nukes and the taliban and really strong curries!!!
Richardson: we backed Musharraf even though he hates democracy guess what happened
Wolf: yeah a woman is running there oh noes
Richardson: hell Osama is in Pakistan
Wolf: shut up chunky
Richardon: no - i'm talking now you beadred retard
Wolf: so what you are saying is that you hate America and want this country to be nuked
Edwards: this all proves that Bush is really really stupid
Wolf: Obama do you want to see your muslim friends to nuke America
Obama: holy shit you are the dumbest bastard i have ever met
Blizter: Dodd do you hate America?
Dodd: jesus sugar tits Wolf Blitzer were you deprived of oxygen when you were born i have houseplants who are smarter than you
Hillary: i agree with Chris my god did the Republican party put some kind of implant in your tiny brain leslie???
Wolf: i have no memory of that
Hillary: obviously Bush has failed and now Pakistan is a total failure and very very dangerous
Kucinich: can i talk about Pakistan?
Wolf: no there are no UFOs there
Roberts: Iraq is a wonderful success why do you all hate America?
Richardson: the iraq war has caused lots of mental trauma
Roberts: well watching CNN will do that
Richardson: true but what about the rich Arab states
Kucinich: i voted against funding the war and the Dems in Congress should cut off the funding - period
Kucinich: oh and by the way the problems in Pakistan are because of our assholiness all over the world
Obama: jesus christ people are on their 4th tour of duty and more americans are dead in Iraq and Afghanistan doesn't mean we should do cartwheels Leslie W. Stupid
Brown: China is evil and isn't that the Democrats fault
Kucinich: yes of course look at Yucca Mountain
Brown: oh right
Kucinich: Hillary and John Edwards voted for free trade with China
Edwards: we can't defeat Corporate Republicans and elect Corporate Democrats we must give the power to the people
Leslie: knowing what we know now should we all have voted for Ross Perot in 1992
Hillary: heh yeah then his daughter could have gotten married in the white house in safety
Leslie: was NAFTA a mistake
Hillary: yes - that's why i'm going to call for a time-out on trade
Leslie: what about instant replay
Hillary: that's another good idea
Dodd: suspend all trade with Peru and China!!
Obama: now hold on Peru is a little country
Dodd: well okay
Obama: we should send our own inspectors over there and review MNF every single year
Biden: we have power stop the chickens from sneaking into Delaware so lets do it or at least those freakin nuggets
Leslie: where should we put nuclear waste
Obama: this is the third time where you have said, 'assuming Democrats all suck and Republicans are good, who would you vote for?' and you should shut the fuck up
Wolf: okay okay
Obama: i mean it shithead
Leslie: okay don't hit me black man
Richardson: we need a Energy Revolution mandate!
Campbell Brown: you are playing the gender card bitch
Clinton: i am going to the first woman president and you can't stop me bitch
Brown: what's the boys club honey?
Clinton: campbell don't make smack you
Wolf: oooh cat fight!
Clinton: I’m very proud to be a woman
Wolf: is Hillary playing the gender card Edwards?
Edwards: she takes lobbying money
Edwards: fuck you all jerry tarkanian was a big cheater
Brown: do we want to invade Iran
Woman in Audience: should we have more war my son’s life is in danger dammit
Biden: no and hillary’s vote may take us to war with iran and if bush does that he should be impeached!
Hillary: there is no danger of people being deployed to iran but bush wants to go to war with iran which is dangerous
audience: oh ok
Edwards: I saw this movie once before and I don’t there to be a really crappy sequel
Obama: any idiot could see that resolution was an attempt at starting a war
Audience member: why is Blackwater getting rich wrecking our foreign policy
Richardson: no more mercenaries people should only kill for patriotism not money that just degrades it
Richardson: and a Heroes card when any veteran could use to go back in time before this shitty war started
Khan: I’m always being racially profiled it sucks
Edwards: that’s bad i pledge no more Gitmo or renditions or waterboarding when i'm president - the only torture which will be tolerated will be watching CNN debates
Kucinich: you're all non-progressives unlike me!!
Wolf: ok that’s enough
Kucinich: impeach bush now!!
Wolf: shut up boat rocker they might hear you
Biden: no one loves me
Ambriz: buenvenidenos should be build a wall against brown people
Wolf: Bill you’re the only one here who counts who is against a big fence
Kucinich: that’s a fucking lie
Wolf: no you don’t matter dude
Richardson: you know Dennis i'm not actually in Congress
Dennis: you also can't win
Richardson: drugs and people are coming over but lets not demonize immigrants
Dodd: yo soy spanish speaker!
Casino Cashier: my question is, do you want to double down?
Brown: good question
Cainso Gal: no really my question is do you support social security
Obama: bush keeps stealing Fica to pay for his stupid war
Wolf: Hillary what’s you plan
Clinton: I don’t have one
Obama: She's Hillary McRomney
Question: litmus test no overturning Rove Wade?
Dodd: damm right
Biden: I want a dog catcher who knows how to live!
Wolf: alma werfel?
Richardson: we need the Equalizer
Kucinich: we need a supreme court that conducts sessions on sex education
Obama: like Joe I would nominate someone with a lot of life experience
Wolf: how about joe biden then
Obama: you must be kidding he’s a been a senator since he was 17
Edwards: we need judges who are so unpopular they get death threats
Student: how do we unite America
Obama: hold a series of staff meetings
Hillary: I will go on a 4 year listening tour
Biden: people love me in Washington uniting America will be a snap
Richardson: I would get north korea to lean on Syria to persuade Israel to adjust the 1967 borders
Wolf: yes that will bring america together
Student: Hillary do you like liberal diamonds or Republican pearls
Hillary: heh give me both baby
Biden: diamonds -- pearls are for Republicans they go before swine
Host: that’s the end thanks everyone