Thursday, November 29, 2007

CNN/YouTube Republican Debate - November 28, 2007

CNN/YouTube Republican Debate
November 28, 2007
Host: Anderson Cooper

Romney: Rudy ran a big evil sanctuary city

Giuliani: dude you hate a sanctuary mansion

Mitt: do you hate people with funny accents because you have one

Rudy: you employed illegal immigrants to trim your nose hair that's bad

Mitt: are you saying employers responsible are cause that's crazy

Rudy: no of course not

Mitt: you are a racist

Rudy: we all know that

Question: will you pledge to hate mexicans pleeze

Thompson: yes i will this is an invasion!

[woo hoo!]

Fred McGruff: some of our better citizens used to be illegal immigrants like the Pilgrims for example


Fred: but now that it's our home we should shut out people aren't waiting in line at an embassy

[right on!]

Fred: who among us hasn't employed an illegal immigrant or a cocaine dealer or a mobbed-up police chief

Rudy: that is so true

Fred: mitt romney likes Bush i mean how crazy is that???

McCain: i am here to do the hard things like be popular and get votes and get elected as a Republican

Cooper: why do people hate the GOP

McCain: Katrina, iraq, corruption and mexicans

Cooper: that's quite a list

McCain: you're all partisan poopyhaids

Cooper: Waylon Jennings are you happy with your answer??

Waylon: rock on

Question: will i have a job next year?

Tancredo: massive legal immigration is evil it takes jobs away from americans

Cooper: are there jobs americans won't take under any circumstances??

Tancredo: no!!!!

Cooper: what about War Czar?

Tancredo: get a mexican to do it dood!

Hunter: we had the Smuggler's Blues in my state until we built a fence with a double wide

Cooper: i love Glen Frey

Hunter: when all you use is cash it's hard to build an 800 mile fence

Question: should illegal mexicans get low state tuition when soldiers don't???

Huckabee: these were academic scholarships for the smart mexicans not the dumb ones

Audience: but still that's pretty mexicany of you

Huckabee: should we punish illegal kiddies?

Question: damm right they have leprosy and are using drugs

Huckabee: no they were tested for drugs and all your major skin disorders

Questioner: still that's bad

Huckabee: i love veterans!

Audience: yay!

Romney: illegal 18 year olds who have lived here their whole lives should go the fuck home

Huckabee: i wasn't born rich like you were - you smarmy bastard

Mitt: but-

Huckabee: shut the fuck up you slick shithead

Mitt Romney: that's all well and good but do you want to look a millionaire in the eyes and tell him he can't get a yacht this year because some greedy mexican wants to go to college because i sure don't

[ starts weeping ]

Question: Ron Paul are out of your fucking mind??? - just wondering!

Paul: damm right the Trilateral Commission is trying to get rid of the dollar and replace it with Canadian currency!!!

Audience: awesome!

Paul: the UN is building a highway across america and is trying to control our drug problem!!


Question: Republicans spend like crazy why???

McCain: the Democrats want kids to smoke well i say no to that!


McCain: i want big spenders to be famous and not just in prison

Romney: oh yeah all that spending is like totally bad

Cooper: that's all you have?

Mitt: freeze all non-military spending

Rudy: we should fire half of all federal employees and replace them with robots

Cooper: is that realistic?

Rudy: sure all businesses have done it

Question: what part of America do you hate the most

Fred: heh heh that's a Target Rich Environment

Cooper: which agencies

Fred: Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid

Cooper: wow you want to get rid of them??

Fred: no the federal government would guarantee your gambling on african gold mines

Paul: fuck you John McCain -- Washington D.C. may have made you a senile chipmunk but it didn't change me

Cooper: so you have always been crazy?

Paul: yes in high school i was voted Most Likely to Run for President as a Demented Loon

Huckabee: eliminate the IRS and Homeland Security

[ yay!! ]

Question: national sales tax doods?

McCain: that's stupid and Huckabee is a moron

Cooper: solution

McCain: give me dictatorial powers

Paul: hisssss

McCain: you would have appeased Hitler you genocidal maniac

Paul: i want to save our soldier’s lives

McCain: well they want to be in a desert getting injured and killed you hate-filled bad man

Paul: active duty soldiers love me

McCain: you hate america you jew-hating nazi

Paul: fuck off dickhead

Grover (Bathtub-American) pledge to worship me!!

Panel: we all pledge to love you and cut taxes more more more

Fred and McCain: we won't pledge to that fat moron

Paul: cut spending doods

Hunter: maybe i will get lucky and there will be a war

Question: food subsidies for agribusiness?

Rudy: no - what if we run out of food!!

Cooper: did you steal security money?

Rudy: liberals and blacks threatened my life

Cooper: great

Question: chinese lead toys!

Tancredo: china is for cheap labor but not bad products

Hunter: they are amassing weapons and this christmas we should buy american guns to support our returning disabled veterans with post traumatic stress

Cooper: what up with your fetus-oriented ad?

Thompson: mitt used to be an abortionist

Mitt: i was young and wrong when i aborted ted kennedy's and mary jo's baby

Cooper: you got an award for that

Mitt: true but Huckabee raised taxes

Cooper: that is worse

Huckabee: when a Republican hits you in the rear it's better not to look back

Question: do you like guns or should i shoot you?

Hunter: guns are like footballs they are a tradition of America and should always be handed off just like there were in bunker hill and fallujah

Question: Rudy why should anyone have to be qualified to own a fucking machine gun you socialist??

Rudy: dood you forget i ruled over a city with a lot of black people and criminals and crazy new yorkers


Rudy: no audience you are forgetting the Parker decision!

[ huh ??? ]

Rudy: maybe the really white states could have looser rules

Fred Thompson: he met with president clinton that's evil!!!


Fred: but the case he cites is from Washington DC which has a bunch of liberals and blacks

Rudy: that's my point there are too many blacks there

Question: how many guns do you own?? for example are they machine guns and what are their names??

Fred: damm right I do

McCain: i don't need a gun i killed a man with my bare hands for a bowl of rice

Rudy: Judy won't let me have a gun

Question: black on black crime?

Romney: bill cosby said it best - pudding pops will stop crime

Cooper: what else

Romney: inner city schools suck

Rudy: jeebus i dropped crime in the Black Areas by 80%

Mitt: he was a wonderful mayor but then again my police commissioner wasn't going around committing crimes

Cooper: what did you do in massachusetts to stop crime?

Mitt: DNA laboratories dood

Question: abortion!

Paul: women should only go to prison for a third timester abortion

Cooper: really?

Paul: no i take that back just the doctor - women are too dumb to be responsible

Fred Thompson: just the doctor should go to prison not the innocent girl after all having a uterus and ovaries makes you a stupid little thing not responsible for her pretty little actions

Question: Rudy would you ban abortion if everyone else in american wanted it?

Rudy: no i wouldn't, i would leave it to the states

Mitt: ban all abortions? That would be faaaaaaaaaabulous!!!!!!!

Question: who would jesus kill?

Huckabee: the toughest decision i ever made was to kill a man

Cooper: no letting a rapist go free because he attacked a political rival's relative?

Huck: no that was surprisingly easy

audience: but jesus!

Huck: look i would execute a fetus but only after a 1 hour trial

Cooper: what would jesus do

Huckster: he would be a democrat and probably vote for Kucinich

Question: Holy Bible yes or no?

Rudy: well-

Huckster: can i help you Rudy he was holding a bible in case you were confused you heathen motherfucker

Rudy: it's pack of myths

Cooper: have you ever read it

Rudy: well a nun hit me with it does that count?

Mitt: i love that little fucking Bible just like millions or even billions of people

Cooper: literally???

Mitt: i believe it's the Word of God but I think He lies sometimes

Huckabee: it's written by God but it's all allegories like that part about a 10-Headed Dragon i'm pretty sure that's about Hillary Clinton


Question: how do you improve America's image

Rudy: fuck some muslim shit up


Rudy: Islam is wonderful religion and so is Arabia

[zero applause]

Rudy: Islam a great, great religion


Rudy: liberals won't use the specific phrases i make up

McCain: Democrats want to surrender to terrorists!!


McCain: i was the only one to bash Rumsfeld and George Bush


McCain: the troops!


Hunter: no matter what America does i will not apologize


Question: who would you torture?

Romney: why bring terrorists from Gitmo and let them go free in Des Moines with ACLU lawyers???

McCain: you must be an idiot if you don't know what waterboarding is

Romeny: well i do

McCain: well then how the fuck do you think that's appropriate for americans to do to other people

Romney: look i'm running for president i not going say what is and isn't torture

Cooper: well who will

Romney: Cofer Black

McCain: you idiot -- life is not a tv show like "24" this is a defining issue and you can't a position on this then just don't run for President

Question: will you pledge to maintain our current stabilizing presence in the middle east

Thompson: we should leave immediately but stay until the mission is done


Fred: they want to bring down America


Fred: we should stay until oil is cheap


Fred: victory!!!

Cooper: you're sundowning dood

Paul: criminy we now have friendly relations with vietnam lets get the hell out

McCain: we didn't lose Vietman the only reason we left is Hippies

Paul: john you got hit in the head too much

McCain: Osama bin Laden is in Iraq and will come to New York if we leave

Paul: they attacked us because we invaded their country!!

[tv audience: you're both insane]

Question: r u running on 9/11?

Rudy: no way i was in charge of Haitian policy and George Will loves me

Cooper: what else

Rudy: i also reduced abortions

Cooper: because you started marrying your mistresses

Q: vice president!!

Fred: i want one with legal training, national security, and domestic expertise


Fred: he should have authority

McCain: look Bush is clearly a moron and that's why this county got so fucked up after 9/11

Cooper: um, did I just hear you it sounded like you said Bush was an incompetent who weakened america and turned this country over to a fat crook who shoots people

McCain: u heard me

Chuck Yeager: Duncan Hunter doods!

audience: what happened to sam sheppard dood??

Brigadier General: i'm a General and I'm gay - does that blow your mind?

Hunter: thanks for your mincing service but looks israel and the british can serve with gays but most people in the military are judeo-christian Republicans and they would just hate people like you too much

Huckabee: it's all about conduct like conducting yourself too gay

Romney: i laff when i think of 'don't ask don't tell' but now i think it worked

Cooper: answer the question

Mitt: no i refuse

General: i was a gay soldier for 42 years

Huckabee: jesus it's a wonder we survived as a nation

Hunter: i'm surprised your fellow judeo-christians didn't kill you

General: there are lots of gay soldiers


General: gay soliders yes or no?

McCain: how dare you bash our military!!!

Gay Guy: gay republicans?

Huckabee: i hate gays but they can vote for me if they want

Cooper: that sounds pretty shitty

Huckabee: yeah but i have integrity

Q: social security

Fred: elimniate social security it's a moral issue

Mitt: speaking of social security i hate jihadism and hillary clinton and love ronald reagan and families

Cooper: my god you need a tune-up dood

Question: Mars Bitches!

Tancredo: we shouldn't go to mars there might be mexicans there

Question: alot of blacks are conservatives why do they hate the GOP?

Rudy: hey when i cracked down on black skulls i did it out of love -- did you know crime still drops in NYC even now because of me?

Huckabee: hey a black guy voted for me and i appointed a black guy in charge of hypertension affairs

Huckabee: maybe we should reach out hispanics too

Cooper: yeah right

Questions: confederate flag doods

Romney: as former chair of Bain Capital i would like to stay i don't what the fuck he is talking about

Cooper: so improvise

Romney: John Edwards is trying to divide people and that flag should never be shown

Fred: no one who shows that flag is a racist but let's face it -- could the racists in the GOP cool it please??

Q: bridges dood

Rudy: david dinkins was a great guy i loved his donuts

Paul: we're bankrupt and we should pull out of iraq and spend like crazy

McCain: i hate bridges grrrrrrrrr

Rudy: fuck you crippled bullshit artist


McCain: municipal bastard

Rudy: i beat up bill Clinton

Q: will you run a third party Ron Paul?

Paul: the short answer yes you're damm right i plan to

Cooper: really

Paul: this is the Ron Paul Revolution!!!

Question: how could root for the red sox rudy???

Rudy: i've rooted for the American league for fifty years because i love America

Cooper: dickhaid

Mitt: we waited 87 long years so sad

Cooper: you may wait that long before you get back the white house you anti-gay, anti-immigrant, openly racist, lying, scapegoating, incoherent fuckwits


Ramona Quimby said...

Dood. Amazing job. You have captured the essence of those sick, racist, homophobic, xenophobic, misogynist, torture-crazy pigs.

little said...

I have to say, this is quickly becoming my favorite blog.

Samuel Brainsample said...

This is amazingly accurate.

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