Sunday, September 04, 2011

Meet The Press - September 4, 2011

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-CA)
Tom Friedman
Paul Gigot
Mark McKinnon
Doris Kearns Goodwin
former Capt. Joseph Kearns Goodwin

Gregory: we have zero job growth -
Happy Labor day!

Audience: [ golf clap ]

Gregory: will Congress pass an Obama
jobs package?

Audience: stranger things have happened but
only on the SyFy channel

Gregory: Palin might run and I’m excited!

Audience: oh boy

Gregory: Rick Perry and Mitt Romney are
also running but they’re boring

Gregory: greeting to my vacuous panel

Panel: hiya Greggers

Gregory: Tom what went with wrong
with America?

Friedman: we saw the end of the Cold War
as a victory - but we unleashed 2 billion competitors

Gregory: oh fuck

Friedman: the 1990s were a decade-long
victory party and then 9/11 happened and
we all got stupid

Gregory: I know all about that

Friedman: we used to be connected and
now we’re hyper and connected

Gregory: [ checks twitter ] sorry what?

Friedman: now we have Facebook, LinkedIn,
and all those vicious bloggers

Gregory: [ updates his MySpace profile ]

Friedman: When I wrote The World is Fat
Skype was a celebrity baby name and Angry Birds
were the pigeons I feed in the park

Gregory: [ logs onto his Google + ]

Friedman: the Greatest Generation were awesome
and then the Baby Boomers screwed it all up

Gregory: those damn dirty hippies

Gigot: if Obama wants to win the election
and please his base he can go all FDR on their asses

Gregory: sounds good

Gigot: or he can shock Republicans and
give them everything they want and flummox
them because they will have to say no as usual

Waters: Obama must have a bold jobs program

Gregory: how much Maxine?

Waters: a trillion dollars Fluffy!

McKinnon: the Tea Party have gone totally
insane which proves we need No Lapels

Gregory: indeed Obama is a disappointment

Goodwin: Obama should confound the GOP
by offering to cut taxes for the rich and raise
them on the poor

Gregory: but Republicans think government
sucks so they should be in charge of it

Gigot: people think the government is failing
to create jobs so it shouldn’t try

Friedman: Employers wants employees who
can adapt to whole new world every three months

Gregory: that would be useful

Friedman: we can’t stimulate our way out of
this crisis - we need to imagine our way out

Gregory: I imagine marrying a billionaire helps a lot

Friedman: it doesn’t suck

Gregory: so how do we win the future?

Friedman: Education is the key

Waters: Cities are cutting back school
to four days a week!

Gregory: Long weekends are the best

Waters: African-American unemployment
is going to go up to 20%

Gregory: that’s interesting Maxine -
but government sucks

McKinnon: Obama could have saved America
by slashing Medicare but he didn’t and
that makes me sad

Goodwin: Government is teachers and
police officers and the military

Norquist: drown ‘em all in a bathtub!

Goodwin: why do these politicians want to
run the government if they hate it so much?

Friedman: we just had the worst decade
in American history because we didn’t invest
in infrastructure and education

Gigot: People liked government under Reagan
because he did less and did it well

Gregory: I think people would have loved the
Iraq war if hadn’t been such an incredible fuck up

Friedman: that’s a keen insight Fluffy

Gregory: a nine-year old asked Perry who
his favorite superhero is and he said Superman
because he cut taxes and saved America

Gigot: Perry wants to be President and make
government irrelevant and I think he can do it

McKinnon: Romney is Richie Cunningham
and Perry is the Fonz

Gregory: Aaaayyyyyy

McKinnon: Perry created lots and lots of jobs

Waters: evil government jobs!

Gregory: I love Sarah Palin

Friedman: she would destroy the country

Gregory: but she’s fun

Friedman: iPhones have replaced
functioning human beings

Goodwin: Perry’s ideas are insane but
he’s got jazz hands

Gregory: Maxine you said the Tea Party
can go to hell and that wasn’t very nice

Waters: hey white man - people out there are desperate for jobs and we keep bailing
out banks and sending awesome call center
jobs out of the country

Gregory: but we need moderation and compromise

Gigot: Elections are about fighting and there’s
nothing wrong with that

McKinnon: no the stakes are too high -
we need the parties to work together and enact
right-wing policies

Greg: [ snaps fingers ] Mitt Romeny sparks!

Goodwin: yeah the days of rugged individuals
and robber barons were awesome

Friedman: we need to stand on our heads and
seize the thrust from below

Waters: who is this stupid white man?

Gregory: he’s Tom Friedman

Waters: well he’s a complete idiot

Gregory: and that’s Meet The Press

[ break ]

Gregory: so what’s your story Joe?

JK Goodwin: I graduated college and
joined the army on September 12, 2001

Gregory: but you went to Harvard -
why join the army which is for the little people

JK Goodwin: I felt I had led very privileged life
and wanted to give back to America

DK Goodwin: as a historian I think he
saw amazing things

JK Goodwin: People were ready to sacrifice
on 9/11 and we put the wars on a credit card

DK Goodwin: everyone pitched in during WWII
and felt they had contributed to the victory and
we don’t have that now

Gregory: when Osama bin Laden was killed
that was awesome

JK Goodwin: on 9/11 we learned as a generation that
the world is dangerous

Gregory: true enough

JK Goodwin: 9/11 was a defining moment
but it does not have define us

Gregory: Joseph imma let you finish but
David Petraeus was one of the best generals
of all time! 9/11 next Sunday yo! Me and my peeps
Lester Holt and T-Brokaw will be all over that!

1 comment:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Goodwin: Obama should confound the GOP by offering to cut taxes for the rich and raise them on the poor

I'm sure he's already considering it.