Sunday, April 27, 2008

60 Minutes With Justice Antonin Scalia

60 Minutes
Guest: Justice Antonin Scalia
April 27, 2008

Stahl: why not interpret the Constitution right?

Scalia: fuck that

Stahl: how can you know what the Founders wanted?

Scalia: oh trust me i know

Stahl: but values change

Scalia: well they shouldn't

Stahl: what is an originalist

Scalia: i am hated because i am right

Stahl: why do some people despise you and think you are evil

Scalia: i'm not against progress i just hate it

Stahl: abortion?

Scalia: let's not split the baby

Stahl: ha ha

Stahl: you hate civil rights and want to impose the Rule of Opus Dei

Scalia: i confess i'm a conservative but i don't want to impose my beliefs on other people - it's just very lucky for me that my philosophy matches my views exactly

Stahl: but you don't want to throw liberals in jail

Scalia: see how open minded i am

Stahl: but could you be wrong?

Scalia: of course not others are inferior to me

Stahl: Bader you like Scalia even though you hate logic

Ginsburg: he's a nutter

Scalia: she's nice but an idiot

Stahl: but you comes across as a jerk

Scalia: you must learn to get along with other people

Stahl: how would you know

Stahl: he called you self-righteous

Ginsburg: he's a big fat child

Stahl: do you takes his name-calling personally

Ginsburg: i am a grandmother so I’m used to it

Stahl: but he's an asshole

Ginsburg: but he's charming so it's ok

Stahl: this is how we ended up with president Stupid

Stahl: you act like a jerk but you are charming

Scalia: i am bit of an jerk

Stahl: Bush v Gore was not at all using original intent

Scalia: no we did the right thing - so there

Stahl: oh so intellectual you are

Scalia: oh fuck off

Stahl: tell me that was originalism

Scalia: get over it bitch

Stahl: you got involved in politics

Scalia: it's all Gore's fault for challenging the cheating in Florida

Stahl: but you appointed Bush President

Scalia: who gives a shit

Stahl: torture violates the 8th amendment

Scalia: no if you are crushing someone's balls or killing their child in front of them to get a confession that's not a punishment

Stahl: i am just speechless

Scalia: i win!!!

Stahl: you have 9 children

Scalia: what can i say whatever faults i have i'm not gay

Stahl: one son became a priest

Scalia: he took one for the team

Stahl: i'm not touching that one

Stahl: the other originalist is Thomas

Scalia: Thomas who?

Stahl: Justice Clarence Thomas

Scalia: never heard of him - do you have a picture

Stahl: [ shows picture ]

Scalia: oh right - the mute black guy

Stahl: you despaired for a country you didn't recognize

Scalia: but then Bush came along and fixed America

Stahl: yay!!

Scalia: i have devoted myself to persuading the next generation to hate minorities

Hateful Kids: yay!!

Stahl: why stay on the Court

Scalia: my hate and insecurity fuel me

Stahl: that doesn't sound healthy

Scalia: what can i say it's all i have

Stahl: what would you do if you retired

Scalia: Bush Secretary of Kicking Ass

Meet The Press with Howard Dean - April 27, 2008

Guest: Chair of the Democratic Party, Howard Dean
April 27, 2008

Russert: Howie you are the most important person in the world

Dean: no hillary clinton is

Russert: why

Dean: because she will have to convince her supporters to vote for Obama

Russert: ed rendell says the primaries are teh suck

Dean: yeah well I don’t put much stock in what Ed says

Russert: but the popular vote!

Dean: sorry those are the rules fat man

Russert: you say this is all about gestalt

Dean: also sturm und drang plus rugtosslegende

Russert: who wins the nomination?

Dean: the dood with the most delegates

Russert: so the superdelegates could overrule real delegates

Dean: no the superdelgates use their great wisdom

Russert: like that wise 21 year old kid

Dean: hey - that proves that it's not just cigar-smoking old men

Russert: do elected delegates represent the people?

Dean: yes but the superdelegates are also elected

Russert: all of them?

Dean: yes - except the ones who were not

Russert: how should the superdelegates vote?

Dean: i think the superdelegates should vote their conscience or for the most handsome or tallest or with the best bowling score

Russert: it sounds like a stupid system

Dean: sure it is but we are stuck with it now

Russert: it sounds weird that they could overrule the elected delegates

Dean: it is what it is

Russert: popular vote vs. delegates!

Dean: again!? look lets talk about the Iraq war or keating 5 or the fact that John McCain is a senile version of George Bush

Russert: but you yourself said Dems must be united so i would like to spend this hour dividing the party

Dean: ok fathead

Russert: The Black Vote is teh Scary!!!

Russert: What will Black America do????

Dean: how should i know i'm from Vermont the last black left years ago

Russert: take a guess

Dean: look we dems are good at getting women and blacks and minorities to vote for them and unfortunately now we have one of each so they are fighting

Russert: blacks bellied up to the bar!!!

Dean: i would like to have a beer with a black person

Russert: will Scary Blacks wreck the party?!!?!

Dean: no because Obama will be nominee

Russert: what does america want

Dean: blacks need change and women need change

Russert: tell me about it - I can't get anyone to take a $100 bill

Russert: Florida and Michigan!

Dean: i respect the voters who voted and the candidates who didn't campaign there and other states who did get to be first for aribtrary reasons

Russert: so what's the best outcome?

Dean: let Florida secede from teh union and merge with Cuba - they want to anyway

Russert: but the swing states!

Dean: fuck em

Russert: Gov. Blanchy wants to hijack your convention

Dean: quel asshole

Russert: people say you screwed this up

Dean: look we set up a system and the states should follow it

Russert: ok i respect that but why not seat them anyway

Dean: Tim what if you were in a long line in Disneyworld and someone jumped ahead of everyone else??

Russert: I do that all the time - I’m Timmy Russert dammit!

Russert: you lied about McCain wanting to stay for 100 years he only wants to do that if no one if ever going to be killed

Dean: well that's stupid if we are there for 100 years it will never be peaceful like Korea or Germany

Russert: but what if it was happy and peaceful??

Dean: does anyone watching tv now think that?

Russert: john mccain?

Dean: moron

Russert: do you think George Bush wants to capture Osama bin laden?

Dean: of course he doesn't - he hasn't even tried and said he doesn't think about it

Russert: well sure if you go by what he had said and done

Dean: uh huh

Russert: McCain is winning in the polls

Dean: someday Tim i will explain to you the difference between 'winning' in a poll and 'winning' an election

Russert: i look forward to it Doctor

Broder: this black man and woman scare me

Russert: will this end in June

Broder: no because August is later than June

Tim: right

Slate: call William Peter Blatty because Hillary is baaaaaaaack!!!!

Tim: Slate guy who wins this

Dickerson: Obama or else we will have a revolution

Mitchell: she will plough ahead - also people just realized that he is Kenyan black man and he is a also high-born elitist

Tim: so Hillary will be the nominee?

Andrea: no Hillary is dead

Tim: this is all about Argula and Beer

Gwen: 4,000 americans died to make sure we would never a smart person as president

Tim: amen!

Russert: what do voters want to hear?

Gwen: sadly the candidates have gotten bogged down in trivial issues

Russert: i'm shaking my head how could that happen so very sad

Wolff: who the fuck are these Reagan democrats and isn't he fucking dead??

Broder: dammit the Dems talked about trivial issues in the last debate - so sad

Mitchell: hillary is not shrill anymore it's amazing

Russert: so what's her problem

Andrea: Bill Clinton he had no understanding of modern politics

Russert: so how does he win?

Gwen: ignore her - right now he can't lose the primaries

Dickerson: he needs to be seen with regular people

Tim: what's a regular person?

Dickerson: white people

Tim: whiter than you?

Dickerson: Edgar Winter

Russert: the Dems are so nasty so sad

Dickerson: McCain killed a man last week and no one noticed

Timmy: yeah but i think he was a mexican who parked in his Congressional parking spot

Dickerson: ayup

Timmy: Hillary has ads with Osama bin laden

Mitchell: Obama should never given a major address naming his Rev Right as his running mate and calling white people bitter

Tim: indeed - let's talk about Rev. Right for the 10th straight week

Timmy: Obama is the politician oh noes

Gwen: Wright is not a crazy man but he is still black and that is his great failure

Tim: how so

Gwen: it gives Timmy Russert another excuse to run Wright clips

Tim: i'm brave i talk about race

Gwen: you never talk about racism

Tim: i don't do ancient history

Wolff: i hear Obama may be black

Tim: oh noes!!

Tim: let's talk about the weatherman and Tom Hayden

Andrea: yes lets

Tim: hillary is a communist

Andrea: tim don't be silly she is a marxist lesbian

Tim: are we going to talk about the 1960s or the War

Broder: the War like did Obama dodge the draft in 1969

Tim: he was 10 years old

Broder: that's no excuse

Mitchell: Obama made a mistake in choosing to run as a black man

Wolff: Dean campaigned for Kerry and his supporters hated John Kerry

Russert: that isn't true

Wolff: it sounds good though

Russert: next week: The Presidential Election of 2012 - Are The Democrats Doomed?

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Democratic Debate - ABC - April 16, 2008

Democratic Debate
Philadelphia, PA
April 16, 2008
Senator Barack Obama
Senator Hillary Clinton

Charlie Gibson: Hi I am out-of-touch elderly white millionaire Charlie “my damm capital gains taxes are too high” Gibson and this is my young sidekick George “kool aid” Stephanpolous welcome to this shitty debate and we’ll start with opening apologies:

Barack Obama: i've been traveling across this pathetic hick state for 5 weeks and hearing about their shitty lives and its fucking sad - i'm running for president to get away from all this shit

Hillary Clinton: We meet here in Philadelphia where a bunch of white guys hoped that the promise of America would be open to other white men

[ yay! ]

Clinton: let's face it - America sucks but if you elect me i will try to make it suck a little less and i have a 25 point plan laid on my website

Gibson: Governor Cuomo has suggested that you guys try really, really hard to win but that you pledge to take the other as your running mate and that Hillary meekly accept it

Obama: Mario Cuomo? Jeebus, what did milli vanilli and mc hammer have to say?

Gibson: Milli Vanilli support you and mc hammer supports Hillary

Obama: well anyway that's a stupid question

Clinton: hey i could still win

Gibson: if it was good enough for Jefferson to take Aaron Burr as his Veep why shouldn't Obama take you on?

Obama: yeah this should work out about as well

Clinton: i can still win!!!

Gibson: okay i better let this go

Gibson: let us address what you said in a conference call - it's very important for you to admit you have contempt for gun-toting bible reading white trash

Obama: okay dude - these rubes are told for decade after decade that things will get better and they never do - so they cling to their crappy church and the penis-substitute and hating on gays

Gibson: well I'm glad you explained it now its all clear

Clinton: my grandfather was from Scrappy, Pennsylvania and he worked at Dunder Mifflin when he was only 9 years old and he carried a gun to work - but not because he hated the government - but because he hoped one day i would run for president and i would be able to say i too had a lunatic for a relative just like the smalll-town jackasses whose votes i need

Stephanoplous: Hillary can Obama beat McCain - yes or no

Clinton: of course he can't - Obama is a black elitist young skinny black snob with no experience except of course being a black cocaine dealer who grew up in a black neighborhood

Steph: so Obama can't win?

Clinton: well if you insist i will pretend i think so

Obama: she can win and so can i - unlike Hillary i actually go to church and have a Rev. Right in my life and i have a lot of gun owners in my life like when i was dealing crack i knew a lot of people with guns

Steph: she says you're a snob

Obama: for example i would never bring up the story about how she dissed stay-at-home mothers mocking them for baking cookies i thought it was very sad that it made her look like a bitch - see i would never do that

Clinton: i never attacked Obama - only what he said -- and i speak for the unwashed masses who were deeply offended by Obama calling all white people crackers sent by Satan - i respect people, unlike Hussein X over there

Gibson: Rev Right calls all white people devils - i assume you agree with that - my question is will you fly Air Force One into the Mormon Tabernacle or the Astrodome?

Obama: listen honky - i have answered this fucking question a dozen times and people have been voting for me as a big Fuck You to the narrow minded pinheads in the media - people like you you white man

Gibson: hillary sister talk to me as one white woman to another can 8,000 Right fans be wrong?

Clinton: when i go to church i seek fellowship and sermons about infidelity - clearly Obama looks for one that defends muslim terrorists - but hey that's just me -- you don't get to chose your family but you do get to choose your pastor

Obama: well you also get to choose your running mate and i just crossed you off my list

Obama: speaking of weird pastors i hear Hillary's pastor wants to castrate all men

Steph: I have 2 questions - why do hate America, and why do you really hate America?

Obama: [ SIGH ]

look you greek dwarf i might mention that these are statements not made by me but by some other dude

Steph: how much do you hate america?

Obama: i don't

Steph: but your pastor does

Obama: he's a former marine

Clinton: Obama gave him the Black Seal Of Approval and Obama and Rev. Right has sex orgies with Rev. Farrkhan and Hamas - and well that makes me sad

Question: You lied about Bosnia

Clinton: i went to Bosnia and it was a war zone and every word i said was true except for the lies but Wes Clark wore battle gear when he met with me

Gibson: well don't we all

Clinton: look i'm not dumb

Gibson: no you're just a liar

Clinton: look my lies about wars put me on an even par with John McCain

Steph: Obama is Hillary a lying bitch?

Obama: shes' a fucking irritant that's true enough - but i would point out that we are in not one, but two wars, and a depression and gee i don't know maybe you could ask one fucking question tonight about that - oh i realize that's too much to ask

Gibson: that's a very good point - now let's get back to a very serious issue - why do you hate America and Apple Pie and the Flag?

Obama: America is likeable enough - look i was born to a teenage muslim from saudiranibia and i lived in hawaindonesia and one day i said hey maybe i should run for president of the great satan and trick them into making me their leader to i could destroy it from within -- but of course i would refuse wear the flag pin as sign to my muslim supporters around the world who are funding my campaign to crush America

Gibson: thank you - that's all i wanted to know

Steph: on 9/11 one of your supporters painted ‘Helter Skelter’ on the wall of his house and organized the SLA to hold a fundraiser with Patty Hearst and charlie manson

Obama: seriously, fuck you George - i'm also friendly with Tom Coburn and trust me that guy is a fucking lunatic

Cliton: no no no Obama was married to the dood from the weather underground for several years even after 9/11 and people in New York were very hurt by his remarks

Gibson: really, that's what new yorkers were saying on 9/11???

Clinton: that's right - look we all know the GOP are evil motherfuckers and we must prepare for the fight by being as evil as they are

Obama: for the love of pete Bill Clinton pardoned members of the weather underground and nominated Charlie Manson to the Supreme Court

Hillary: hey he's still better than Clarence Thomas

Gibson: when we come back - does Obama leave the toilet seat up and why does he hate America?

Audience Question: you keep saying you wants to bring the troops home but it's really unclear since everyone knows that troops should stay

Gibson: what if The Military Commanders told you The Troops Must Stay would really overrule our Caesars???

Clinton: you bet because like Bush the Generals will do what i tell them to fucking do

Gibson: but the poor Iraqis!!

Clinton: they suck and it's time for them to suck on this

Gibson: you make me very sad it's a glorious war

Clinton: Charlie, suck my dick

Gibson: i'm really confused George Bush finally found a general who is willing to repeat GOP talking points and you think you know better than him - i'm shocked

Clinton: fuck general petraeus he's another lying toady like Powell and the other asshole men in that cabal and by the way the war sucks

Gibson: to be clear - Obama you also hate the military

Obama: Look George Bush may want to cede his authority to some dude in a uniform but this is one negro who will not be taking orders from by some white man in a snappy outfit

Steph: Completely change US policy with regard to Israel or I will conclude you are an anti-semite -- Go!!

Obama: Fine I will nuke Iran if they attack Israel - are you happy now??

Clinton: what a wimp Obama is - I would also make it clear that if Cuba attacked Israel I would invade Iraq again

Steph: that's some sound thinking there

Clinton: look Iran is seeking yellowcake from Africa but i would open up diplomacy with Iran and other leaders

Steph: like Ahmedinejad?

Clinton: no never never that would be appeasement - just his vice president

Steph: what else will make peace in the middle east?

Clinton: sell nukes to a peaceful country like Saudi Arabia

Steph: the economy is weak and sad and it's a pathetic little baby - why do you persist in trying to kill it with your big bad tax cuts???

Clinton: because you are a fucking idiot

Steph: that's not a good reason

Obama: but it's true

Clinton: amen brother

Steph: you are wicked tax raiser

Clinton: on my website it's all laid out - i will never raise taxes on middle income college professors making $250,000

Obama: god Charlie Gibson you are an idiot christ we are in the middle of a housing crisis

Gibson: you said my pledge - gotcha!!

Obama: whatever moron

Gibson: what about my capital gains taxes - admit it Supply Side Economics work!!

Obama: fuck you stupid

Gibson: but why have taxes at all - do you hate the USA??

Obama: we have to pay for you favorite war charlie gibson

Gibson: i luv mah wah!!!!!

Obama: what a dipshit this jackass is

Gibson: but Republicans are right and you are wrong

Obama: oh i didn't realize it was Debate Moderator Editorialize Night

Gibson: well it is and the GOP Rulz!!!!!

Clinton: i will hire 3 million people to keep track of Bill Clinton

Gibson: awesome

Gibson: every American said a prayer to jesus today to thank him for taking his precious children to heaven a year ago - why do you pretend to love guns?

Hillary: as we all know Philly is more dangerous than Baghdad and the answer you all had was to elect a man named Nutter

Obama: and the Chief of Police Sgt. Crazytown

Hillary: 80% of crimes are committed by mentally challenged Republican family members

Gibson: guns?

Clinton: i will try to bridge the divide between gun nuts and gun controllers who are too polarizing

Gibson: unlike you

Gibson: Hillary what about my precious stock taxes????

Hillary: how stupid are you Charlie we have a huge deficit we have to pay for it somehow

Gibson: what about raising taxes on poor people

Hillary: that's what Obama wants to do

Obama: no i want to raise payroll taxes on the richest 6%

Clinton: hey i made $109 million dood


Obama: you're a looney

Gibson: hey all my friends make about $3 million a year except for my one poor friend who only makes $800,000 per year but we all chip in for him at xmas

Obama: boo fucking hoo

Gibson: can DC ban guns??

Obama: i am now going to lapse in to really boring Con Law Professor Mode

Gibson: that will win over the extras from The Deer Hunter and All The Right Moves

Obama: who among us does not appreciate the firearm owner

Gibson: do you want to ban all guns oh noes!

Obama: christ America is fucking awash in guns have you people not noticed this?? I feel like i beamed down from Mars to point this shit out

Steph: Hillary do you support the DC ban on guns?

Clinton: i support triangulating this issue without committing either way

Steph: do you have any position at all?

Clinton: i am in favor of what works and against what doesn't work

Steph: do you think anything??

Clinton: work with me George have you been to upstate New York it's all crazies up there
Steph: Barack do you hate white people?

Obama: you should look at the whole person

Steph: that's crazy

Clinton: please let me talk about student loans and health care

Gibson: no gas prices - go!

Clinton: release the gas reserves!!

Gibson: what about The Maverick's plan?

Clinton: i have a 25 point plan to stop people from driving to work

Gibson: this is all that Jimmy Carter's fault

Obama: History's Greatest Monster Conservator

Gibson: Persuade me - go!

Clinton: like john edwards i plan to take on the the big companies on behalf of all the bitter americans who are angry at being screwed - i am ready to be commander n chief and will recreate the bill clinton presidency except for the sex with monica - unless you liked it in which case i willl do that too

Obama: our planet is in peril doods - promises and have been made and they're been broken i have bet my candidacy that people are tired of petty silly attack politics

Gibson: i'll take that bet

Obama: oh noes little white man - i got a 70 year old non-voter to vote for me - i am forming a coalition of non-voting embittered nutjobs to take this country by force and you can't stop us

Gibson: let's hear for our sad candidates and their desperate dream to improve this doomed nation

{ applause }

Sunday, April 06, 2008

60 Minutes with Doug Feith - April 6, 2008

60 Minutes
April 6, 2008
Guest: Doug Feith
Kroft: why did we invade iraq?

Feith: Saddam had a very scary mustache

Kroft: but he wasn't involved in 9/11

Feith: but he could have been

Kroft: but he wasn't

Feith: but he could have

Kroft: but he wasn't

Feith: we had to attack someone

Kroft: so why Saddam?

Feith: he once attacked Iran

Kroft: you're fucking kidding right

Feith: it's ‘anticipatory self defense’

Kroft: i think hitler did that to poland in 1939

Feith: exactly

Kroft: you all said we were about to be attacked

Feith: no we didn't

Kroft: [ plays endless clips of people in the Administration saying that ]

Feith: oh that - that was all the CIA's fault

Feith: we shouldn't have focused on WMD

Kroft: dood that's the whole reason we invaded!!

Feith: oh no we attacked for a whole other reason

Kroft: which was??

Feith: to help Osama bin Laden and get us bogged down in a civil war and ruin our reputation

Kroft: really?!?!?

Feith: no - just kidding

Kroft: but all that really happened!

Feith: and we saw it all coming

Kroft: jesus christ then why invade??

Feith: Bush was salivating at the idea of a parade

Kroft: the war has been a disaster

Feith: ok we didn't realize there would be an insurgency

Kroft: you were asleep in the 20th century were you?

Kroft: you didn't have enough troops

Feith: i don't know what is my own book sorry

Kroft: you are the stupidest fucking man on earth

Feith: heh i wish i had a dime for every time i heard that

Kroft: worst decision ever??

Feith: disband the Iraqi military

Kroft: you signed off on that

Feith: no i never did

Kroft: did rumsfeld?

Feith: i don't know we were too busy banning abortion in Iraq

Kroft: you're an idiot - what are you doing now?

Feith: teaching at Georgetown

Feith: if Bush had listened to me and put Chalabi in charge things would have been fine

Kroft: General Franks says you're the dumbest mother fucker on the planet

Feith: ah - but not Venus or Mars, right

Kroft: people seem to hate you

Feith: they are just pissed because i faked intelligence to trick america in to war

Kroft: oh so just whining

Kroft: was the Iraq war was the right thing to do?

Feith: given bush is an idiot then yes

Kroft: yes or no

Feith: yes the war was a terrific idea

[scrubs hands furiously]

Kroft: i don't think that blood will come out big guy

Feith: dammit dammit dammit

I want to invade a country, but don't I need a reason?

No! Read the book that tells The Full Doug Feith Story!

A book? What is it? It's words on paper, bound with glue, but's that not important right now.

What's important is that you click here for even more Doug Feith news!!

Meet The Press - with Bob Casey and Ed Rendell - April 6, 2008

Meet The Press
April 6, 2008
Senator Bob Casey
Governor Ed Rendell

Russert: is hillary unbeatable???

Rendell: no we're underdogs - Obama is cheating by raising so much money

Russert: omg you endorsed Obama you changed your mind!!!

Casey: yes i did you fat dipshit

Russert: but that's not allowed!!

Casey: Obama is awesome and will be a great president

Russert: can he win Pennsylvania?

Casey: he's very inspirational

Russert: you're cheating by endorsing a handsome young man

Casey: what can i say he's sexy

Russert: but you once said you lack metaphysical certitude

Casey: i know this much - you're an asshole

Russert: hillary can't win can she?

Rendell: no she won Michigan so she's better than Obama

Russert: Penn works for the Medellin family?

Rendell: i hope Penn makes clear that he when does work for the columbians he does not speak for hillary that's just his day job

Russert: what if obama loses the keystone state??

Casey: it only ruins my career if he's not the President

Timmy: Governor doesn't she have to crush mr. handsome in Penn. ???

Rendell: 3 points is a huge win

Timmy: how can she be the nominee?

Rendell: if the superdelegates override the votes by judging that the black man is politically unviable

Timmy: how wonderful

Rendell: she won Michigan and we should seat those delegates

Russert: but she was only person on the ballot

Rendell: he must win Michigan and Florida

Russert: but he can win Virginia and Colorado

Rendell: anyone who fails to win a primary in a state will never win that state later in a general election

Russert: so by your definition Hillary could never be elected at all

Rendell: ok forget everything i just said

Russert: Obama is way ahead in delegates, states won and votes cast

Rendell: oh sure if you only go by those numbers

Russert: well what else

Rendell: we have go by who is ahead in the electoral college

Russert: oh ok

Rendell: plus we should count the elections in Florida and Michigan

Russert: oh is that the new argument now?? Criminy

Russert: but she was the only person on the ballot in Michigan??

Rendell: that's the hardest election win off all!! People would rather vote for nobody than hillary!!

Russert: solution?

Rendell: we three of us can settle this right now and agree to revote now

Casey: wow i didn't know we had that power

Russert: we're white men we can do anything we want

Russert: but she was the only person on the ballot in Michigan??

Rendell: that's the hardest election win off all!! People would rather vote for nobody than hillary!!

Russert: solution?

Rendell: we three of us can settle this right now and agree to revote now

Casey: wow i didn't know we had that power

Russert: we're white men - we can do anything we want

Russert: does Obama think having a baby is a punishment

Casey: hey if the GOP wants to argue that teenage girls having babies is great we're welcome to that debate

Russert: but babies are cute and precious they are never a punishment

Casey: fine 13 year olds should have unprotected sex and procreate all day long - are you happy timmy

Russert: i'm glad you admitted it

Russert: omg the Clintons made $100 million!!!

Rendell: sure but they paid a lot in taxes and gave a lot of charity

Timmy: but what about the contributors to his liberry??

Rendell: it's all to help starving people in Africa

Russert: Obama has raised people from influential people

Casey: not the really A-List bloggers they are steadfastly neutral

Rendell: if hillary steals the nomination will people stay home? Probably - but that's true if we nominate a black man or a non-woman

Casey: yeah ok dood

Russert: early morning april 4 shots rang out in memphis sky

Young: your no bono

Timster: speak to me of King

Young: martin was sick and almost didn't go and gave that ominous speech and the next day he was happy

Russert: he had a preminition

Young: the Constitution promised equality and King was now into economic equality as well as racial equality

Russert: and then he was killed in mysterious circumstances

Young: surprise, surprise

Timmy: why be such a trouble maker and rabble rouser

Young: he wanted to fight powerful entrenched wealthy interests

Timmy: and look how far we've come a mom and pop operation like GE owns Meet the Press

Dyson: death haunted him every day of his life and his blood mixed with the soil of our redemptive history

Brokaw: King was only 26 years old when he started

Russert: ah but did he ever have a house on Nantucket

Brokaw: he had me at non-violence

Russert: who was bull connor

Brokaw: he knew bull connor would overreact with dogs it was clever

Russert: he tricked that poor white man

Russert: King was cuddly and Rev. Right is angry and mean and racist

Dyson: bullshit King said America was going to hell

Russert: why so much hate from the black man???

Dyson: fuck off

Timmy: Obama finally learned you blacks have to reach out to whites

Young: yes he did timster - he's bowling and talking about money and capital

Russert: you may stop talking now i wish to speak to the elderly white man

Brokaw: thank you - i wish to decry racial disparity so sad what's with all the hispanics and asians these days

Russert: who can heal america's racial wounds??

Brokaw: newt gingrich and the american enterprise institute

Dyson: race isn't a fucking fiction it's a damm reality about slavery, prejudice economics and self image

Russert: and having a house in Nantucket

Dyson: we have to reach out to poor people and lift them up

Russert: oh noes!

Russert: condi rice says america has a birth defect - are african americans our third limb?

Young: i love condi rice and she is doing a great job

Dyson: dood are you high?


The Chris Matthews Show - April 6, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
April 6, 2008

Matthews: omg the Clintons never lose!!!

Allen: she really thinks she can win the nomination

Matthews: how?

Allen: by changing the definition of a delegate and splitting the math like a supercollider

Matthews: is she delusional?

Kay: she surrounded by a bunch of sycophants and yes men

Matthews: can she really win?

Kay: only if Obama admits he was once a black baby

Sullivan: she thinks she is entitled but she has every right to keep running in futility

Matthews: mighty white of you

Allen: she really thinks she is better than Obama

Matthews: well duh

Allen: yeah but she really, really thinks that

Kay: the whole Clinton camp thinks Obam should have waited his turn

Matthews: why does bill want to get back to the White House

Borger: he wants to polish his knob and put luster on the clinton legacy

Sully: he wants to remain the only black president

Allen: she's wonky and nimble

Matthews: ickys says ‘hey Obama is black’

Borger: she wants to persuade superdelegates to go with her

Sullivan: well it isn't working isn't it??

Mathews: will superdelegates overturn teh elected delegates?

Borger: no way

Sullivan: the dood is doing better with white people after Rev. Right

Kay: his people will be very alarmed if people like him too much

Matthews: omg Obama can't bowl! Then again Herbert Walker Bush threw up on the japanese bowling commissioner!!!

Matthews: omg john McCain is older than dirt!!!

Sullivan: Obama represents the 21st Century and McCain represents the 18th century

Kay: if Iraq is a total disaster that is good news for its chief booster

Allen: if McCain dies this summer it could help him politically

Borger: McCain / Heston 2008!!!

Mathews: does age and size matter?

Kay: its does to insecure white men

Allen: i wouldn't know about that

Matthews: is he too old

Allen: no he's hilarious he's like your crazy great grandpa

Sully: bullshit he's just your crazy embittered veteran grandpa reliving an ancient war

Borger: young people want someone who knows American Idol doesn't refer to Ronald Reagan

Kay: greenies hate Obama cause he's into coal

Allen: the next 6 days in Iraq are crucial

Borger: all the superdelegates will tell other superdelegates to shit or get off the tv

Sully: John Yoo can't leave america or he will be indicted for war crimes

Mathews: geez you torture one guy and people never let you forget it

Mathews: will Hillary run again 2012?

Kay: right but she must destroy him now

Allen: hell if i know

Borger: you're all fuckers and i agree

Sully: i hate women

Matthews: hah!


Thursday, April 03, 2008

Hardball with Chris Matthews with guest Senator Barack Obama

Hardball with Chris Matthews
April 2, 2008
Guest: Sen. Barack Obama

Matthews: Welcome to my Exclusive Interview with the Next President!!

Matthews: hello Obama - you suck at bowling

Obama: clearly i do you fat white looser

Matthews: you’re black so you’re good at basketball

Obama: i'm only half black so i only shoot from half court

Matthews: are you as tough as dick cheney?

Obama: heh that fat draft dodging loser? i aim higher than that

Matthews: but dick cheney is so presidential -- he hates human beings so much he shoots them

Obama: yeah ignoring the voters makes you tough

Matthews: but you’re skinny you look like you can’t fight

Obama: i'm from Chicago - fuck that shit

Matthews: do you hate america and will your surrender to brown people

Obama: i was right about the war and dick cheney drinks human blood

Matthews: but the war is lovely this time of year

Obama: fuck that shit and damm Hillary for voting for it

Matthews: but we are americans kicking foreign ass!!!!

Obama: you're a mission creep

Matthews: but the surge is working!!!!

Obama: hey dood the puppet regime we installed is linked to our great enemy Iran - face it bush is one dumb motherfucker

Matthews: but the brown terrorists!!

Obama: which i intend to kill

Matthews: is hillary McClinton?

Obama: no i just pointed out what McCain said which is that we will stay in Iraq for 100 years

Matthews: well why not?

Obama: we could spend that on college scholarships and on bottled water for all MSNBC employees

Matthews: i love it!

Matthews: we have lost a lot of jobs in Pennsylvania

Obama: who the fuck is 'we' Nantucket-boy?

Matthews: hah!

Obama: face it boys the jobs are gone and they ain't comin' back

Matthews: springsteeen bitches!

Obama: I was born in the usa!

Matthews: the crisis of 2009 is bill clinton's fault!!

Obama: well of course

Matthews: what’s solution to the economic slump?

Obama: green jobs fathead

Audience: college funding dood

Obama: I favor Pell grants and credit for national service like help the homeless or teh peas core

Matthews: heh i was in teh peas core

Obama: eliminate teh middle man like sally mae

Audience: I hate that bitch

Audience: Pastor Right dood

Obama: i used to pray for a new BMW and now I pray for Chris Matthews to develop a terrible mental disease

Matthews: hah too late!

Obama: let god be god and me be me

Question: Senator what's your stance on teacher merit pay

Obama: it's fucking stupid - teaching to teh test is moronic

Matthews: i love it!

Matthews: what if al qaeda tries to fly a plane in to teh capitol at 3:00!?!

Obama: so what - there's no one in the capitol at 3:00 am

Matthews: people like me would be

Obama: again so what?

Matthews: but the brown scary people!

Obama: JFK showed restraint and i want to cool and cautious and get laid a lot like him

Matthews: yur awesome

Obama: i will attack Pakistan to get Osama

Matthews: never heard of him

Matthews: how do you clean out the corrupt executive branch??

Obama: gee i don't maybe run for President

Matthews: but that's scary

Obama: I will create a culture of truth baby

Matthews: but the CIA kills people

Obama: so do i dood

Matthews: you're scary

Obama: i'm black and i'm from chicago i'm not afraid of the striped pants ivy league twits at teh CIA

Matthews: Barama what's it like to have a white mother who loves you?

Obama: it’s great american melting pot dood

Matthews: ooh Schoolhouse Rock!

Obama: i've got family members who are pasty and some who are black and they all agree Bush is a motherfucker

Matthews: you're like that kid in Soul Man - you're a white guy who learned what it's like to be black

Obama: C. Thomas Howell inspired me to go to Harvard Law School

Matthews: you wanted to defeat Russian invaders?

Obama: no i wanted to nail Rae Dawn Chong

Matthews: Clinton using dog whistles to call out the Rev Right dogs?

Obama: of course they are - meanwhile 4,000 people are dead - the planet is melting and america is the shitter

Matthews: so let's talk more about rev Right and why didn't you fuck him over?

Obama: because MSNBC is a tv network full of repressed white catholic racists

Matthews: but he's controversial!

Obama: didn't i see you sexually harass Erin Burnett?

Matthews: it was all in fun dood!

Matthews: you have will power like Bush - you stopped smoking!

Obama: yeah yeah yeah

Matthews: smokers stand up!

Obama: oh lord - why didn't i stick with a substantive show like "The View"??

Matthews: do you ever think “holy shit this is ridiculous”

Obama: only when i watch your show jackass

Question: gay marriage!?

Obama: sure - but not for another generation

Matthews: why not?

Obama: because of repressed twits like you dood

Matthews: inner city schools!

Obama: answer is pre-pre pre-K, like reading to kids in teh womb

Matthews: what books can a zygote read?

Obama: something juvenile like "Life's a Campaign"

Question: what else?

Obama: apprenticeship in the trades

Matthews: what is this - the middle ages?

Obama: hey it's that or drugs and jail

Matthews: what if you end the primaries have more delegates?

Obama: that's called being the winner stupid

Matthews: but the superdelegates could vote against you

Obama: well those people would be motherfuckers wouldn't they

Matthews: so supers should vote for you if you have more votes, delegates and states

Obama: if they deny me the nominaton my black fans and white supporters will rise and take this motherfuckin' country by force

Matthews: i love it! thanx for coming

Obama: no thank u crazy man