Sunday, April 29, 2007

The Democratic Debate April 26, 2007

Democratic Debate, Thursday April 26, 2007


Brian Williams: Let’s talk about the Supreme Court

Biden: I fought to defeat that bearded weirdo Bork. And Alito. And that black guy, what's his name.

Obama: Thomas

Biden: Right. The clean one.

Kucinich: I want to be a healer. pre- natal care, post-natal care, and natal care. i will establish a department of healing.

Brian Williams: okaaay

Dodds: i'm very disappointed in the decision i made in voting for Roberts - i will be furrowing my brows a lot when I’m president.

Brian Williams: why are they black when you’re hair is white

Dodd: dood back off - just cause you’re hair is perfect

Williams: name someone alive, not named whizzer

Dodd: Bader Ginsburg rocks

Williams: Hillary Virginia Tech did we leave anyone behind?

Hillary: dood i was at Columbine and we tried to keep guns out of the hands of crazy people like Charlton Heston

Richardson: The 2nd amendment - - it is Precioussssssss

Williams: Show of hands, how many of you have shot someone?

one, two.. three...ok...

Biden: it was a guy at a 7-11..... My wife knows a lot of crazy people after all she married me

Edwards: i would raise taxes on teh mentally ill and gun owners. Speaking of guns and taxes let me talk about my health care plan

Obama: Speaking of health care I would form a big pool and you could dive in if you wanted - only if you’re buoyant

Hillary: you all have good ideas but doods i have been there and oh everyone liked may plan at first and i got fucking killed. Not ready to endorse some new crazy system lets cut costs

Richardson: I’m running as a Republican and gun nut -- my health plan is for every American to share a kidney with someone else -- i mean you only need one right -- am i right people??

Williams: race, good or bad?

Biden: i like black people

Obama: Confederate flag should be in a museum next to archie bunker’s chair

Moderator: heh, i liked that Lionel

Paula Abdul: what’s your biggest mistake ever?

Gravel: Let me rehash Ronald Reagan's stoopid line - there goes my campaign

Hillary: where do i start -- probably killing vince foster to cover up my lesbiansism

Obama: chickening out on terry schiavo

Biden: underestimating Bush stoopidity and evilness (good answer!)

Edwards & Dodd: IRAQ

Richardson: I killed a man in reno

Moderator: To watch him die?

Bill: No - he voted against my minimum wage bill

Q: How do you defeat India and China

Biden: pepto bismol

Public question: medical insurance is too expensive

Kucinich: i live a tiny bachelor pad with my cat so i hear you

Brian Williams: First goal of Day One?

Bill: first Iraq, then Apollo, then i would have sex with my wife in teh Oval Office, baby

Williams: Name three countries not named ‘iraq’ -- be careful Bush got tripped up here in 2000

Obama: Italy for its wine and art, Afghanistan for it's Osama-ness and China for their kick ass take-out

Williams: WRONG! You forgot Israel - i told you this one was hard

Obama: Israel blah blah blah

Willaims: that’s better

Biden: Russia cause they are run by a loony despot wannabe with access to nukes

Williams: well, so is the USA

Gravel: wait, did you say "enemies" cause you're changing the rules you fucking dittohead

Edwards: primary school education should be available in Africa

Williams: Governor Richardson you lost four nominations for the Nobel Prize you're like the Susan Lucci of Peace

Richardson: yeah but dood she finally won

Hillary: oh fuck Rudy - i'm from New York his cheap fearmongering won't work in a city where Bush is less popular that a sewer rat

Williams: Question, why do I always say Democrats won't protect America

Dodd: ‘cause you're too busy listening to Rush Limbaugh to take your head out of your ass

Williams: could be - Dennis K why do you hate America?

Williams: Lets play "24" - pretend that 10 american cities were bombed by balsa wood drones which country would you invade?

Obama: i would provide first-aid to the victims stoopid -- how could i know how to react without more information

Edwards: i would find out which of Bush's mistakes were responsible

Hillary: i was in NYC on 9/11 but i wasn't wandering around looking for the remains of my bunker - and no Brian, unlike your buddy Rush Limbaugh i wouldn't overreact

Brian: impeach yes or no?

Dennis: yes! Bush lied to take us to war -- but we'll with something obvious, dick cheney and work our way up to Chimpy

Williams: ok ok you're entertaining but i grow tired of you now

Dodd: i have 9 month old baby but i already suspect she's a lesbian she wears a lot of flannel

Biden: Don't be alarmed - i'm smiling it just looks like i'm passing a kidney stone

Williams: jeebus, if you're ever president i will move to Cuba

Richardson: If america were attacked i would get Keifer Sutherland on teh phone and surgically strike Luxembourg

Brian: cuba libre or no?

Richardson: watch me completely dodge this question

Willaims: Gravel, is nuclear teh answer to global warming?

Gravel: no when i was young we didn't need nukes we wore an onion on our belts and we'd say give me five bees for a dollar

Obama: i planted 3,000 trees

Williams: i meant light bulbs - jeez take a hint

Obama: i would bomb a country - maybe Ohio

Kucinich: hey some people like Ohio

Obama: sure they do

Williams: do you love Jesus

Edwards: eh, I guess so

Brain: Walmart good or evil - yes or no -- heh trick question cause you were on the board of directors

Hillary: fuck off

Williams: why do you guys suck so much?

Biden: i like Hillary -- and Gravel and Dennis go away with your happy talk -- there's real life -- dammit life sucks - you work hard, you get accused of plagiarism, you lose your your hair, your run for president and then you die.


The Chris Matthews Show - - April 22, 2007

The Chris Matthews Show - April 22, 2007

Matthews: Alienated young men - what's up with that

Fineman: Bureaucracy to blame - why, when i was a kid we had loco parents

David Brooks: We used to use logic like good v. evil and god v. satan - now because we chucked out god, it seems like we're living an absurd universe and what i'm saying on your show is proof of it

Katty Kay: dood you're deeply weird, it's called mental illness

Matthews: dood was crazy and not only was not cast off campus - he was offered a show on NBC

Kelly: yeah its a pattern

Katty: on or off campus he would have killed anyway

Matthews: these kids today are used to foreigners - it's wild

Fineman: I blame federal gun laws

Matthews: i was lonely and strange when i was young but i only murdered the english language

Katty: there's no place for average people in teh usa -- i mean if you're below average you can work for Bush

Fineman: this would never have happened when we young -- kids today have too much freedom

Bobo: he was a suicide bomber

Matthews: whats up with all the suicides at NYU

Bobo: what's up is that your full of shit

Matthews: more federal laws yes or no?

Fineman: the burden is always on democrats to solve america's problems created by Republicans and if they don't they are teh suck

Matthews: well, of course

Fineman: so mentally ill can buy an AK-47

Matthews: so i assume the democrats will pay a price

Katty: the whole world thinks you Americans all crazy when it comes to guns

Fineman: yeah but that's because you're all Eurowimps who won't kick ass in Iraq

Katty: oh yeah, that's really it

[rolls eyes]

Bobo: All Republicans and all Democrats are offended by the late term abortion procedure

Matthews: I fear my chromosomal abnormality will be detected then all the little Tweetys will be aborted

Bobo: its proven that fetuses are dreaming of electric pundits

Norah: Rudy only supported abortion because he was dating his cousin

Fineman: this is the first decision by the court that says the fetus is a person and has the right to vote if its white

Bobo: In her press releases Hillary never uses the words fetus or blowjob

Matthews: my baby beat me up

Tell me something I don't know!

Katty: hat trick of incomptence will resign - Gonzalez, Wolfie and Bliar

Fineman: Barack will turn to Colin Powell for advice - between them they're almost black

O'Donnell: Bush will hire an implementation manager to run America - so young Regents grads be sure to send in your resume

David Brooks: New AG will be either Ted Olson or Orrin Hatch -- between them they're almost sane


This Week on ABC - April 22, 2007

ABC This Week - April 22, 2007

Sam Donaldson: Newt Gingrich has called for a more civilized society -- yes, i said that with a staight face

George Will: Hard for me to believe a copycat would act based just on this video

Donaldson: I knew lee harvey oswald and this kid was no lee harvey Oswald

Stephanopolous: Begun the abotion wars have

George Will: Abortion decision is no big deal its a synthetic fundraising issue no abotions will not be prevented

Donaldson: So then why uphold law?

Will: Uh, because that's what courts do, dood

Cokie: Very foolish for pro-choicers to make this fight it's so icky and girlsy

Step: They didn't choose this fight

Cokie: Yeah but it's exactly the same as cop-killer bullets

Donaldson: Banning a medical procedure is not good -- what if hair plugs are next?

Cokie: Justice Kennedy's paternalism offends me

George Will: I had an affair with Roberta Flack and she snapped my skinny white ass like a wishbone


McLaughlin - April 22, 2007

McLaughlin April 22, 2007

Topic: VT Shooting

Pat Buchanan: MSNBC should never have shown the shooter's video that's why he killed -- as a protest I will only appear on the network every hour instead of every 10 minutes

Clift: He was basicaly an American and therefore a young trouble dood with easy asscess to weapons of mass destrction

Blankely: Lest you think i am only pompous asshole i too was touched by this i could hardly finish my third serving of eggs benedict that morning

McLaughlin: teens are killed in Iraq all the time but Virginia has an ocean protecting it

Larry O'Donnell: Largest gun murder in the history of this country and the WMDs he had were illegal when bill clinton was President

Pat Buchanan: There were alot of killings in teh Civil War!! If only a rent-a-cop had had a machine gun!!!

Larry: dood you're fucking crazy

Pat: Guns! Kill! Kill!

John: ban guns from college campuses?

Clift: Dems won't act because the americans loves them some guns

Blankley: he could've set fire to the dorm thank god theres a right to keep and bear incendiaries

Larry: Harvard locks the riffraff out

Clift: then what was Bush doing there?

Blankely: we used to lock people up who were mentally insane but hadn't committed crimes now thanks to damm liberals we're forced to elect them to Congress

Pat: if we had concentration camps this would never have happened

McL: airport security on college campus?

Buchanan: no, round up the trouble makers

Blankely: we have to pay the price for freedom which is the occasional maniac killing people

O'Donnell: he could never have done this with a knife or a spoon or fork -- maybe a spork

Buchanan: Virginia has the toughest gun laws in the world

Clift: What The Fuck did you just say???

Buchanan: Ok look it comes down to this -- if blacks have guns i want whites to have even more

John McLaughin: I'm sick of other countries looking down on us for the VT massacre this kid was a foreigner, the 9/11 killers were foreigners, aren't foreigners to blame!!!??

Pat Buchanan: Jesus even I can't follow that logic

Clift: shit you are nuts

Blankely: no that stupid -- but i'm sick of British people coming to the USA and bitching about America

O'Donnell: we are awash in gun violence teh Aussies and Koreans are right to pity us


Friday, April 06, 2007

Hardball - Wednesday, April 4

Tweety: why bother showing up for work when you know Bush won't bend or break?

Eijah: dood we speak for the people not Captain Pissypants

Tweety: yeah but they don't play hail to the chief when you walk in the room who blink first

Elijah: not us

Tweety: how can you possibly defend doing when James Baker and Lee Hamilton and crazy people like that recommend?

Elijah: honestly Bush has lost his mind

Tweety: bad behavior being rewarded is Assad into S&M?

Elijah: not at all

Tweety: too bad i could've hooked him up

GravatarBlackburn: i think we should support the President and others of his kind. If you disagree, you become a subversive mother

Tweety: oh yeah

Blackburn: please cut off the funding! please! please!

Tweety: Congress declares war what's up

Blackburn: inappropriate for Congress to leave the country without Condi Rice's permission

Tweety: Republicans did the same thing

Blackbird: i don't what they discussed, maybe cutting taxes or abortion which is different

Tweety: ok how do we fix this

Blackbird: cut off the funding please!

Twety: ok future of America

Blackbird: the terrorists might put a toe in the middle east can you imagine if we let that happen heaven forfend

Blacksmith: Congress only has one job that's to yank all funding from teh State Department otherwise stay out of it and let Dictator George II get on with his Magnificent Rule

Tweety: how is that compromise?

Blacksmith: they put in money for spinaich that's fine for sailor men but an insult to teh army

Tweety: scary college students attacking Karl Rove look a me smirking

O'Beirne: Actually he's great company but seriously i'm very concerned that this will hurt the LEFT

Carlson: those students aren't at risk but for god's sake how do you protest a man who lives in a bunker

O'Beirne: oh no that's a phallacy Bush knows the election results and he's a liberal now

Tweety: oh bullshit

O'Beirne: ok how about this they send him everything he wants that's a good compromise

Tweety: How about a re-authorization?

OBeirne: Why should teh Emperor give in his horse is an excellent Senator!

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Meet The Press - April 1, 2007

Timmeh: Alberto apparently a really big liar what's up with that

Kylie: yeah of course he was in those discussions

Leahy: back in Vermont would call this guy Alberto Gonzalez un menteur pathologique vermont is french for green mountain men you know

Russert: no shit

Leahy: oui c'est vrai

Timmeh: Hey Hatch this looks bad right

Orrin: Excuse me i these lies are catching in my thoat

Tim: here have a truth-lozenge

Hatch: his lies are of a general nature and not specific

Timmy: Sen. Mark Pryor lied to me and you and the whole world

Hatch: oh no no no - Griffin was highly qualified

[Leahy's head explodes]

Timmeh: Senator your head just exploded and i'm wearing a new suit

Leahy: sorry about that

Tim: its ok

Leahy: the mountains of e-mails and documents and statements all prove they lied and everyone but the moron from Utah knows it

[Hatch's head explodes]

Russert: shit not again

Leahy: Rove and Miers were giving the orders and Abu followed whoever the next president is they shouldn't be a fascist

Timmster: They lied about Karl Rove pushing for Griffin - they're blaming some new employee for the whole thing you buy that?

Hatch: ummmmmm

Timmy: wait there's more - Bush e-mails say he doesn't want to be backed into a corner with all their lies

Orrin: Ok first of all in their defense anyone with brains would say that this was bad

Timmy: your brains exploded all over my studio Senator

Orrin: yeah sorry

Leahy: my brain, my brain

Orrin: let me finish - there's no non-shredded evidence proving some specific straw evidence i just made up

Timmy: what about all the real evidence

Orrin: immigrant smuggling, porn, obscenity...

Timmy: are those your hobbies

Orrin: its a tempest in a teacup in a coffee cup

Leahy: sorry to get so angry so earlier in the morning

Timmy: we pretape saturday evening

Hatch: ha ha

Leahy: Duke Cunningham dood

Hatch: Not on shred of evidence - look i never shut up

Timmy: pleasure of the president

Hatch: you're good goddamm right by the power of moroni its a sacred right

Leahy: oh did i mention the tobacco case there's even more corruption

Hatch: This is crazy! What people don't realize is Bill Clinton was my bitch

Hatch: Look if they were really corrupt they would have had all US Attorneys killed ergo there is nothing to see here

Timmer: The National Review thinks Abu is an idiot or a liar or frankly both

Hatch: we all know that

Timmy: so Alberto yes or no

Hatch: um uh hmmm hey there's crime in america anyway there's alot of employees at the DOJ there and I'm not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth hispanics and america!!!

The Chris Mattews Show - April 2007

Matthews: Does Bush have a new man date gosh i hope so

Joe Klein: Tal Afar was a success before it wasn't look i'm an expert on counter insurgency

Andrea Mitchell: Republicans are doing crack

5th columnn Sullivan: Can be Bush be broken in teh saddle? There are places in New York where that could be done for a fee

Matthews: Put a leash on teh President

Andy: yeah good idea of course that costs more

Matthews Meter: GOPS no like Dubya

Klein: It is very unfair to cut everything in August what crazy liberal came up with that deadline???

Panel: President Bush did

Klein: See that proves Bush is a liberal

Andrea: But that's crazy

Klein: Ok let me explain the Democrats are smart and right woo hoo look at me I see where my bread is butterd

Zachia: Violence is bad

Sully: Oh please it's a Republican war for sure

Andrea: wake me when September ends

Sully: bush will never do crack he stopped in 1974

Klein: Bush should be overridden and hard

Matthews: Let's talk about Bill Clinton's sex life

Panel: yeah that's fun

Tweety: Bill Clinton is like Lucy and Hillary is like Ricky are you following me I'm feminizing Clinton making seem whiny and weak yeah I have serious psychogical issues

Joe Klein: The Clenis is a multitasker he can get do a crossword get a blowjob and watch MASH reruns all at once

Matthews: Republican party is in freefall

Sully: i want to be a Republican but then it was fun in teh 80s those were some crazy parties but then i found about the whole lampshade thing

Chris Matthews: The whole US Attorney thing is not important but dammit get teh fascism right

Klein: when you think government sucks you tend to suck

Tweety: Ken Duberstein!! Bush can still be on Mount Rushmore!

Mitchell: Gates is a master stroker

Sullly: smaller government!

Greenspan: Ruckelshouse!

Klein i hate Dems

Sully: i hate Hillary

Klein: this is natural evolution not intelligent design dems are little scurrying mammals kicking dino ass

Klein: Israel wants to talk to Syria but Bush won't have it

Andrea: Fred Thompson won't run he's going to succeed Paul Harvey that's the rest of story

Tweety: i really really luv gruff men like fred Thompson