Sunday, August 24, 2014

Meet The Press – August 24, 2014

Host: Chris Jansing
Gov. Jay Nixon (D-MO)
Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY)
Rep. Mike Rogers (R-MI)
Kasim Reed (D-Atlanta)
Sir Peter Westmacott (British Amb. to the U.S.)
Kier Simmons
Richard Engel
David Ignatius
Helene Cooper
Gwen Ifill
Michael Gerson

Jansing: good morning – omg ISIS 
is on the attack!

Simmons: it's a race to save another
American held hostage held in
their evil clutches

Jansing: oh my

Simmons: there are Europeans in
ISIS including a guy with British
accent which is usually so classy
but also occasionally evil

Jansing: that's true

Simmons: there are 70 Americans
in ISIS and over 500 Brits!

Jansing: blimey

Simmons: they use iPhones to scare
people with their barbarism

Jansing: that is terrifying

Simmons: some extremist British
even blame America for Foley's beheading

Jansing: that's just wrong

Simmons: some of the recruits are
psychopaths and some are just naïve idiots

Jansing: can British spies find these people

Simmons: they can try but it's not so easy

Jansing: not even 007?

Simmons: possibly not Chris

[ break ]

Jansing: Congressman how panicked
should the average American be over ISIS?

Rogers: ISIS is a real threat and
will likely invade America very soon

Jansing: is there evidence we
are about to attacked?

Rogers: yes ISIS got kicked out of
al-qaeda because they wanted to
attack America and al-Qeada objected
because they want to focus on local
goods and farm-to-table mass killings

Jansing: ok that's weird

Rogers: it's all ISIS talks about
and you can believe whatever they say

Jansing: but aren't we safer
than we were on 9/11?

Rogers: yes but we need to
take the fight to them!

Jansing: strong words Mike

Rogers: they are one plane
ticket away from killing Americans!

Jansing: do they have frequent flyer miles?

Rogers: omg you're right – we're doomed!

Jansing: so what do we do about
it besides bombing which we
are already doing

Rogers: we need to get the good
Arabs on board with attacking ISIS

Jansing: I see

Rogers: the President needs
to get tough with terrorists!

Jansing: can the US defeat ISIS?

Rogers: yes we can – but Obama is a wimp!

Jansing: oooh

[ break ]

Jansing: Welcome Ambassador –
can the Brits identify the lunatic
who killed James Foley?

Westmacott: it's not about this
one chap it's all the British
blokes who joined ISIS who
I might add are naughty Muslims

Engel: they call themselves the
Islamic State and in a way they
do have a state now – they have
land, thousands of fighters,
millions of dollars and American weapons

Jansing: my god it's like West Virginia
with classier accents

Jansing: are they going to take
over Israel or the U.S. first?

Cooper: calm down Chris

Jansing: but America is
about to be invaded

Cooper: it was only after U.S.
air strikes that ISIS even talked
about killing Americans

Jansing: well the deed is done

Cooper: the U.S. used to laugh at ISIS

Jansing: well no one is laughing now

Cooper: sure but now everyone's
panicking like the U.S. is about to
occupied by a few thousand crazy guys

Jansing: but they have guns

Cooper: so do we

Jansing: what is Britain
doing to crush ISIS?

Westmacott: we're sending air drops of food

Jansing: dear god British food –
haven't the victims of ISIS suffered enough?

Westmacott: the soggy chips
break the fall of the fish

Jansing: problem solved then

Westmacott: we're also providing
re-fueling tankers for the inept Iraqi military

Jansing: that's not going to cut it Petey

Westmacott: we're using diplomacy too

Jansing: come on Ambassador –
they're beheading people!

Westmacott: but we're not being
invited to do more

Jansing: invited?! no wonder ISIS is winning!

Jansing: another American is still held
hostage and Richard Engel
you were also a hostage

Engel: I was taken at the same
time as Foley two years ago

Jansing: what about their ransom demand?

Engel: ISIS was not negotiating seriously
an American is too big a propaganda
prize to sell

Jansing: USA!

Engel: the U.S. is stopping bombing
at a Syrian border that doesn't
really exist anymore

[ break ]

Jansing: I went with Rand Paul to Guatemala

Jansing: he volunteered to do
eye surgery on blind people there

Jansing: it's charity but it could help
his potential run for the White House

Paul: Chris this is who I am –
I give and give and give

Jansing: but you don't always
bring camera crews

Paul: hey no one forced you to come

Jansing: Paul brought his own
PAC and film crew and advertising
campaign complete with drones
for that dramatic overhead shot

Paul: be sure to get my good side while
I operate on this telegenic Guatemalan

Jansing: Rand what's your
take on Ferguson?

Paul: there is a very good chance
what happened in Ferguson has
nothing to do with race

Jansing: maybe

Paul: but regardless we need
to re-think war on drugs

Jansing: what's with the police
armoured up like troops

Paul: are terrorists really going to
invade Fargo and would it be so
bad if they did – ha ha just kidding

Jansing: good one Rand

Paul: Hillary Clinton is going to get
us involved in another middle eastern
war like those Democrats always do

Jansing: while I was there we saw the doctors
transforming the lives of blind people –
now they can see and escape to America
where Rand Paul will send them back

[ break ]

Jansing: is Paul too unemotional?

Reporter: yes at times he's
unemotional and detached and
kind of an asshole like all doctors

Jansing: even Doctor Who?

Reporter: he made Nixon look nice!

Jansing: Senator Paul met with
the President of Guatemala
and told him all their problems
are Obama's fault

Ignatius: The Beltway hates him
because he is an isolationist but
then he visited another country
which blew my mind

Gerson: if we followed his advice
and eliminated all foreign aid
millions of children around the
world would suffer terribly

Jansing: in-person he comes
across as kind of a jerk

Ifill: the more important point is
the split in the GOP – you just had
Mike Rogers on calling Obama
a wimp and here's Paul saying
Hillary Clinton is too war-like

[ break ]

Jansing: welcome Governor –
why are the police in your state
dressed like they getting ready for
a land war in Asia?

Nixon: that's a good question

Jansing: what went wrong in Ferguson?

Nixon: don't you mean why are
things in Ferguson going to so
well under my stellar leadership?

Jansing: no

Nixon: okay then

Jansing: are you worried about 
what will happen if the police officer
is not charged with a crime?

Nixon: no because I have faith in
the peaceful people of Ferguson

Jansing: Black people think
this is a biased investigation

Nixon: yes but there's a chance
we will get it right

Jansing: why not replace
the District Attorney?

Nixon: well he was elected

Jansing: do you think the people trust him?

Nixon: why not – he's a middle-aged
white man

Jansing: so is Homer Simpson

Nixon: oh my god I'm missing the marathon!

[ runs off the set ]

Jansing: thanks for coming Jay

[ break ]

Jansing: Panel what do
we make of Ferguson?

Reed: we must remember
a child was killed

Jansing: ok but what
about the protests?

Reed: Holder's visit was vital at
providing calm by promising
transparency and a federal investigation
so we have two chances at justice

Jansing: questions are raised
about the President's tone

Ifill: we have a racial problem in this
country and one speech by Obama
isn't going to fix it

Jansing: yes but we have this sense
that Obama could fix everything
 with one speech

Ifill: young people are taking the
lead and demanding change

Gerson: I think Obama has been
very good – after all we don't know
what happened with this specific
shooting so are there limits to what he can do

Jansing: Joe Biden says you can't 
negotiate with ISIS

Ignatius: it's tough because we
have to stop ISIS but Americans
don't want another middle east war

Jansing: but they're so violent

Ignatius: so is ISIS

Jansing: um right

Ignatius: Obama is getting
the right balance between
mindless militarism and undue caution

Ifill: there's no easy answer here

Jansing: the question is raised
that we are sending the wrong message
that we are not terrified of ISIS
because Obama played golf

Gerson: the Presidents I worked
for deserved their vacations but
Obama clearly doesn't care when
an American is beheaded

Reed: Congress is on vacation!
The media is on vacation!
All of America is on vacation!

Jansing: whoa Kasim

Reed: the war-weary American
people are going to have to
suck it up and invade Syria

[ break ]

Jansing: welcome Reverend Sharpton
what are you going to say to 
calm Ferguson down

Sharpton: we need to deal with
aggressive policing of low-level
crimes or this will happen again

Jansing: we've seen this with
Trayvon Martin and Staten Island
what will it take fix all the
racial problems in America?

Sharpton: new laws and action by
the federal government – although
the unprecedented visit by the
sitting Attorney General was a good start

Jansing: people are angry now

Sharpton: change takes time –
after all the civil rights movement
took decades

Jansing: you are a surrogate for
Barack Obama to learn what
black people are thinking

Sharpton: I'm not a surrogate
I'm just a humble activist
and talk show host

Jansing: but is Obama
doing enough?

Sharpton: the President can't
get too involved with looking
like he's interfering with a
local criminal case

Jansing: what would justice be in this case?

Sharpton: fairness – is that too much to ask?
Jansing: generally yes
Sharpton: I thought so

Jansing: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

This Week with George Stephanopoulos – August 24, 2014

Brian Ross 
Alex Marquardt
Martha Raddatz
General John Allen (Ret.)
Richard Clarke
Rukimini Callimachi
Martha Raddatz
Rep. Mike McCaul (R-TX)
Rep. William Lacy (D-MO)
Ray Kelly
Pierre Thomas

Stephanopoulos: good morning –
holy cow there was a big earthquake in Napa

Reporter: yes George – no injuries
yet but there is lots of broken
glass in downtown Napa
Stephanopoulos: oh my god the wine bottles!

Reporter: yes it's tragic but only
bottles of merlot were lost

Stephanopoulos: oh thank god

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: holy shit ISIS is
more extreme than al-qaeda!

Ross: they are planning attacks in
a small town in America near you! 

Stephanopoulos: yikes 

Ross: the murderer has a
distinctive British accent 

Stephanopoulos: that narrows it down

Ross: the US will not pay any
ransom to a terrorists group 

Stephanopoulos: fuck yeah

Ross: but the hostage families
want the ransom paid 

Stephanopoulos: oh then 
we should pay

Ross: on the other hand ISIS was
demanding an absurd 130 million dollars 

Stephanopoulos: is that a lot 
- I'm out of touch 

Stephanopoulos: should the U.S. bomb Syria?

Marquardt: the Kurds say they can

defeat ISIS with American guns and bombs

Stephanopoulos: oh good

Marquardt: but while ISIS lost the
Mosul dam but they are still strong

Stephanopoulos: wily fuckers

Marquardt: ISIS has 10,000 fighters 
and $100 million

Stephanopoulos: pretty sweet

Marquardt: U.S. officials say this 
will be a long fight

Stephanopoulos: terrific

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: General how can
the U.S. destroy ISIS?

Allen: the whole region has to
go all-in on eliminating them

Stephanopoulos: does that mean
working with the evil dictators 
of Syria and Iran

Allen: yes but we should make
clear that we don't like doing
it while we do it

Stephanopoulos: I see

Allen: after all Assad has turned
a blind eye to ISIS

Stephanopoulos: will it take 10,000 US troops?

Allen: maybe but we can send
special forces – those guys are bad-ass

Stephanopoulos: wow

Allen: we also can provide massive
American weapons to shadowy
groups which will probably not backfire

Stephanopoulos: what is the
White House planning?

Raddatz: the White House wanted
to leave 10,000 advisors in Iraq but
that corrupt idiot wouldn't let us

Stephanopoulos: should we work
with our sworn enemies to defeat
our mortal enemies?

Clarke: frankly yes – we have to
apologize to Assad and trying to
assassinate him and bomb Syria

McCaul: ISIS killed an American
journalist and are now planning
to invade the United States and 
take over Washington, D.C. 
which would endanger hundreds  
of innocent lobbyists

Stephanopoulos: so should Congress
declare war on ISIS?
McCaul: yes we'll get on it as soon
we're done with our five week vacation

Stephanopoulos: got it

McCaul: I agree with the general
we need to get Saudi Arabia on
board with bombing ISIS

Stephanopoulos: excellent

McCaul: we need to kill every member
of ISIS before they invade America
Stephanopoulos: is that really
going to happen?

McCaul: yes – there are Americans
with U.S. passports in ISIS

Stephanopoulos: good lord

McCaul: they even have access
to Facebook and twitter!

Clarke: the U.S. is going to be attacked
and overthrown and our children
will all speak whatever language
guys in ISIS speak

Stephanopoulos: apparently they speak English

Raddatz: there's no imminent threat
they're too busy forming their
imaginary caliphate

Stephanopoulos: Europe is bankrolling
ISIS with massive ransom payments

Callimachi: yes they've given ISIS
hundreds of millions over the years

Stephanopoulos: is Europe re-thinking
their strategy of encouraging kidnappings
and financing terrorists?

Callimachi: no - to the Europeans
it's strictly business

Stephanopoulos: ISIS is rich!

Clarke: yes well they invaded lands
with banks with big vaults of cash

Stephanopoulos: amazing

Clarke: no one wants to lose a
loved one but if the US pays ransoms
we will all of us be at risk for 
being kidnapped by ISIS

Stephanopoulos: cripes

[ break ]

Thomas: the people of Ferguson
don't trust the police

Stephanopoulos: but they are in authority

Thomas: 67% of Ferguson are black
but they only have three black cops

Stephanopoulos: so not a lot

Thomas: folks protested police
injustice so of course more white
cops spent a week arresting more black folks

Stephanopoulos: did that solve everything?

Thomas: the U.S. Attorney General
had to come to calm things down

Stephanopoulos: ok so now problem solved

Thomas: no we keep seeing riots
after unarmed black kids are
shot and killed by white cops

Stephanopoulos: every now and then

Thomas: one solution is police 
wearing body cameras

Stephanopoulos: what's the 
future for Ferguson?

Clay: Attorney General Holder helped

calm things down by promising a fair investigation

Stephanopoulos: amazing how there
are all-white cops there are in
black towns and cities

Clay: yes they don't understand the culture

Stephanopoulos: should the police 
have military weapons?

Clay: they do need them to fight 
 off a terrorist attack but clear 
 it's gone much too far

Stephanopoulos: Ray Kelly do the 
police need to be armed like they
are ready for combat?

Kelly: this is a terrific program 
in a post 9/11 world 

Stephanopoulos: ok never mind then

Kelly: on the other hand we need to
ask if every small town needs it's 
own tank and stealth bomber

Thomas: cameras recording police
would help us know what actually
happened during these repeated incidents

Kelly: why does St Louis county have
60 different police departments?
You know how many New York
fucking City has? One! One motherfucking 
police department! One fuckers!

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming everyone