Sunday, December 30, 2012

Meet The Press – December 30, 2012

President Barack Obama
Doris Goodwin
Tom Brokaw
Jon Meachem
David Brooks
Gregory: Welcome Mr. President

Obama: thanks David

Gregory: Bam what if we go over the fiscal cliff?

Obama: it could ruin this amazing
wonderful economic recovery

Gregory: oh noe

Obama: Congress needs to address the
deficit by keeeping tax cuts for 98%
of people and raise them for the other 2%

Gregory: I don't like the sound of that

Obama: well then you're in luck because
Republicans refuse to raise taxes on billionaires

Gregory: sweet – what happens now

Obama: if Congress can't reach an
agreement then they should just
vote for keeping the middle class tax cuts

Gregory: but what about my stock protfolio?!?!

Obama: it's not my fault you bought
Facebook at $35 Fluffy

Gregory: but Mark Zuckerberg poked me

Obama: If the GOP doesn't take
my deal they will have to explain to
the American people that they wrecked
the market, ruined the economy, raised
unemployment, slashed spending and 
raised their taxes

Gregory: what about the automatic
spending cuts?

Obama: we can avoid them by
raising taxes on rich people

Gregory: oh dear

Obama: but Republicans love rich
people so it may not happen

Gregory: but isn't this all your fault?

Obama: hey Fluffy I cut spending a
trillion dollars – that's more than
Reagan or Bush or bush ever did

Gregory: yeah but by then the
debt was really high

Obama: then I offered another 
trillion in spending cuts!

Gregory: now we're talking

Obama: any objective non-idiot would
say I met John Boehner more than half way

Gregory: but you are still the Leader
so by definition it's all your fault

Obama: I lead on behalf of the
poor and elderly and disabled

Gregory: but you're supposed to
represent important people

Obama: basic fairness is at stake –
and by the way I won the fucking election

Gregory: I suppose so

Obama: the people have spoken –
rich people have had enough goodies!

Gregory: what is about you that
Republicans hate so much?

Obama: gosh I can't imagine

Gregory: let's try

Obama: Democrats are mad at me
because I offered to cut entitlements
and the GOP still said no

Gregory: you're not getting anything done!

Obama: Republicans say they care
about the debt but it seems like the
only thing they really care about is
giving even more money to rich people

Gregory: at least it's an ethos

Obama: we all agree on not raising
taxes on the middle class – so let's do it!

Gregory: are you prepared to slash
Medicare and Social Security like I want?

Obama: maybe

Gregory: you gotta talk tough to seniors!

Obama: I don't gotta do anything Fluffnuts

Gregory: gee whillikers you just gotta!

Obama: I offered chained CPO

Gregory: not enough suffereing!

Obama: I am not willing to put the entire
burden to pay for the Bush spending spree
on the old and helpless

Gregory: but they're so adorable and
also helpless

Obama: the American people actually
like the elderly and students and the
disabled and don't love billionaires

Gregory: well I've hung out with both and
I can tell you billionaires are much more fun

Obama: they're white and often fat

Gregory: you are obviously a weak
reeelcted President so what do you
want to do in your next term?

Obama: welcome immigrants and rebuild
some of these bridges which are all falling down

Gregory: boooring!

Obama: ok wind and solar and fracking

Gregory: neato

Obama: but first prevent Congress
from raising taxes on the middle class

Gregory: do you have the stomach for a gun fight?

Obama: we all have to do some
soul searching on why Americans
keep shooting each other

Gregory: what gun laws can you get passed?

Obama: Joe Biden is going to take
this issue on – it's a big fucking deal!

Gregory: the NRA leaders will say
no to anything you propose

Obama: I don't give a fuck what
those lunatics say

Gregory: the NRA says we should have
an armed guard at every entrance
and exit of every school

Obama: oh sure more guns in schools –
that will solve everything

Gregory: I sense some sarcasm in your answer

Obama: the American people need to
get behind this and also stop clinging
to their goddam guns

Gregory: oooh

Obama: I'm not going to forget guns –
that was the worst day of my Presidency

Gregory: speaking of that –
Bengazi was the worst thing ever!

Obama: we need armed guards outside
every embassy and consulate

Gregory: what an idea

Obama: hey it turns out turning security
over to the Libyans was a bad idea

Gregory: who carried out the attack?

Obama: we have Doc Brown on the case

Gregory: you left Susan Rice out to dry

Obama: she went on tv reporting
what we thought we knew

Gregory: but incorrect

Obama: all those attacks on her
were politically motivated

Gregory: Is Chuck Hegel
homophobic or an anti-semite?

Obama: who?

Gregory: Chuck Hegel the former 
Republican Senator

Obama: oh yeah – I met him once in
the Senate a long time ago

Gregory: does he think gays are icky?

Obama: well ten years ago we all did

Gregory: how frustrated are you how hard
it is to get things done in Washington?

Obama: what frustrates me are sanctimonious
idiots who say both sides are equally guilty
which is bullshit – the GOP obstructs
everything I do no matter how much I reach
out to the Republicans and you know it

Gregory: but there are two sides so they must be equal

Obama: I am never running again –
of course I want to America more prosperous
unlike a certain political party I could mention

Gregory: give me an example
of your lack of ideology

Obama: I am proposing tax cuts for
98% of people – that's not some left-wing
dirty hippie idea!

Gregory: if you don't want to cut taxes
for a billionaire you are a patchouli-smelling freak

Obama: I was watching the movie 'Lincoln'
and thought about how Washington
has always been a shit-filled mess

Gregory: true enough

Obama: if Republicans block my plan then
we will come back in January and propose
to cut taxes on the middle class all over again

Gregory: it's such an odd way to govern

Obama: I know but I'm dealing with total nutters

Gregory: thanks for coming Bam

Obama: you're welcome Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: oh my god panel –
Obama is driving a hard bargain

Brooks: brave men gave their lives
at Bunker Hill and Shiloh and we can't
even muster the courage cut Social Security

Gregory: you are so wise

Brooks: it's true the Republicans are 
crazy but Obama is like alien from a 
morally superior planet

Gregory: which one?

Gregory: Obama is from Mars -
Boehner is from one of the gas giants

Todd: the President doesn't even care
if we go over the cliff - it's so sad

Gregory: tell me more Chucky

Todd: the Republicans want to
surrender on taxes and then fight
the President tooth and nail on everything else

Gregory: that's quite a change

Brokaw: I just want to say that $250,000
a year is not very much money to live on

Gregory: that is so true

Brokaw: also Obama is lazy and
won't slash Social Security

Gregory: Obama is not actively engaged
and somewhat shiftless

Goodwin: Obama has finally learned
that the key to a great Presidency is to speak
to the American people like they are kind of dumb

Gregory: it's not lazy pundity to say both
sides are equally guilty because there
are two sides so they must be

Goodwin: but it isn't true

Gregory: that doesn't matter!

Meachem: exactly – Obama is smart and right
but he isn't warm and fuzzy like Ronald Reagan
and that's why he never sold his big bill 
in his first term

Todd: like how Obamacare failed to pass?

Goodwin: Obama should sleep with
Congressman like Bill Clinton did

Todd: this Congress has been
uniquely actrocious

Brokaw: also Congress is gerrymandered
to elect weirdos and nutjobs

Gregory: even Charles Krauthammer admits
that Obama has exposed the cracks
in the GOP caucus

Todd: Congress is on crack?

Brooks: it's true that the GOP are all
useless fucks but the America people
are selfish jerks who want to
bankrupt their children

Gregory: I begged Obama to cut Medicare
and he refused

Brokaw: Obama would be very popular
if he destroyed Medicare

Gregory: we all know that

Brokaw: Obama must make people work
until age 70 – people will love that

Todd: sweet jesus – the GOP
demagogued Medicare twice!

Brokaw: warble arble garble

Todd: Obama was willing to do cut
Medicare and the GOP said no!

Gregory: also it's Obama's fault
we won't get gun control

Meachem: exactly – as with so many other
political issues Obama's failure to be
America's Magic Negro is tragic

Brokaw: I was reading the latest issue of
Shotgun News and this is the
Assault Weapon foldout issue

Brooks: I only read that for the Letters to the Editor
where the pizza delivery boy takes off his clothes
and has a Bushmaster in his pants

Brokaw: there is no more unified crazy
constituency than nuts who think Obama
is going to take their guns away and
then take their wives and take their daughters
and then they will be forced to have sex
with other men to survive

Gregory: good lord

Gregory: panel what should Obama
do in the next four years?

Goodwin: Obama won because of Latinos
and now it's payback time

Brooks: Obama should emulate
George W. Bush and cut taxes and raise
spending and then wreck the economy
people love that

Brokaw: America must tolerate mass
killings of children because some people
fire machine guns as a hobby

Goodwin: Obama should ride a train
around America and dare someone to shoot him

Meachem: I love guns but the penis mightier

Brooks: that is so true

Meachem: the American people have to
decide if they want unlimited guns or
more shooting sprees in their kids' schools

Gregory: but when is Obama going to the find
to time attack the old and disabled?

Todd: Obama is not stupid like you all which
is why he will do immigration reform first

Goodwin: Obama should sleep
with a Mexican

Gregory: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press


This Week – December 30, 2012

Host: Jonathan Karl
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
Sen. Jon Kyl (R-AZ)
Rep. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD)
Rep. Raul Labrador (R-ID)
Karl: good morning - this is a
special edition of the show because
tomorrow the USA could fall off a cliff,
stock markets around the world are crashing
and so George Stephanopoulos is on vacation

Karl: Senators do we have a deal?

Schumer: we're eyeball to eyeball –
it's kind of disgusting really

Jon Kyl: if we go over the articifial cliff
created by Congress it could destroy
the country forever

Karl: what will the non-existent deal look like?

Schumer: we are bravely going to avoiding
rasing taxes on the middle class and
slashing defense spending

Karl: fascinating

Schumer: also raise taxes on rich people
and give ourselves a raise of course

Karl: but the Wall Street Journal told me
this doesn't do anything good!

Kyl: jonathan karl you are so right –
Obama is a terrible big spender

Schumer: not fair – Obama offered to cut spending
and John Boehner screwed around for a week
trying to curry favor with the Tea Party

Karl: [ jumping up and down in his seat ]
but Senator Schumer you wanted to raise
taxes only on millionaires!

Schumer: because I represent people who
make a lot of money but pay $2,000 a month
for 300 square feet dumbass

Karl: you sound like Senator Kyl

Schumer: no I actually make sense

Karl: but the small businesses!

Kyl: and the little women!

Karl: I love the GOP but don't you have
to compromise since the taxes go up anyway?

Kyl: when you raise taxes on corporations
you really raise them on women and poor
people and old people

Schumer: the estate tax affects a few dozen families

Karl: aren't you embarressed that you
disagree politically instead of all getting
along and coming together and drinking
coffee and whiskey together?

Schumer: um jonathan the Tea Party are fucking crazy

Kyl: not fair – the GOP responsibly
wants to destroy Medicare

Karl: Senator why not raise taxes
on poor people so they will finally
see how wonderful Republicans are?

Kyl: that is a good point but remember people are very stupid

Schumer: ok let's not raise taxes on poor people then

Kyl: no I don't like those lazy fuckers

Karl: can we make a deal or not?

Kyl: yes if the bill provides chocolates and mints
on the pillows of every billionaire

[ break ]

Van Hollen: John Boehner has totally lost control

Karl: what can Democrats vote for

Van Hollen: higher taxes for the rich

Labrador: Democrats won't support John Boehner!

Van Hollen: how about an up or down
vote on the Democrat's plan?

Karl: even Nancy Pelosi suggested raising
taxes only on $1 million per year

Van Hollen: try getting the GOP to vote even for that

Labrador: hell no!

Karl: that's pretty extreme

Labrador: raising taxes on rich people is
unacceptable without slashing spending

Karl: the GOP won't support John Boehner now either

Labrador: true

Karl: Krauthammer says Obama has
skillfully smashed the Republicans

Labrador: he's right – Obama has divided the
GOP by pitting the crazies against the bought-and-paid for

Karl: that's quite a divide

Labrador: Democrats are like bank robbers
since they spend money which
never happened before 2009

Karl: you are not willing to compromise at all

Labrador: Ronald Reagan was a big spending liberal!

Karl: thanks for coming guys

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Meet The Press – December 23, 2012

Wayne LaPierre - CEO National Rifle Association
Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC)
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT)
Harold Ford
Andrea Mitchell

Gregory: Welcome Wayne

LaPierre: it's good to be here David 
[ pulls out semi-automatic rifle ]

Gregory: whoa put that down
 this is a tv show - not an appropriate 
place for a gun like a wedding or 
a birthday party or bar mitzvah

LaPierre: or christening or funeral 
or a school play

Gregory: Wayne one week after 
a horrible school shooting you held 
a big press conference and
called for called for MOAR GUNZ

LaPierre: at the NRA we sat down 
around our conference table and 
said what is the answer and we said 
ban 10 year-old video games

Gregory: that's your solution?

LaPierre: we also want to arm the 
good guys to fight the monsters

Gregory: the New York Post called 
you a nut and loon

LaPierre: if it's crazy to fill our 
public schools with armed people 
then call me crazy

Gregory: you're fucking crazy

LaPierre: we just need every entrance 
in every school to protected by a 
soldier retired from combat and 
nothing else to do all day until we invade Iran

Gregory: that's your big idea?

LaPierre: Diane Feinstein is a lesbian 
from San Francisco

Gregory: you're evading my questions

LaPierre: many people I know sleep with their gun

Gregory: there were armed guards at
Columbine and Virginia Tech

LaPierre: yes but those guards were losers
who have never seen a cool movie where
the good guy can never get shot

Gregory: the guards at Columbine exchanged fire with the shooters

LaPierre: I like good guys and not bad guys

Gregory: how many guards would a school need?

LaPierre: the fancy elite gay liberal media
are surrounded by armed guards

Gregory: you strike me as delusional

LaPierre: Fluffy isn't it obvious that  
good guys should patrol school hallways 
with a submachine guns?

Gregory: what could go wrong?

LaPierre: Israel has armed guards 
every school and it's very safe

Gregory: you don't think this is a stupid idea?

LaPierre: every mom and dad wants
an armed cop in every school

Gregory: wouldn't this would be very expensive?

LaPierre: not if we stopped fighting all these
liberal wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and
started fighting wars in our elementary schools

Gregory: you're dripping blood all over my desk

LaPierre: sorry about that

Gregory: Betsy can we get some paper towels

LaPierre: the NRA has a program to tell 
elementary school kids not to pick up
 a gun they find lying around

Gregory: why would a gun just be lying around?

LaPierre: you know how careless gun owners are

Gregory: are you willing to try anything to 
save the lives of children?

LaPierre: no because there are monsters everywhere

Gregory: would you be willing to limit
gun magazines that carry 30 bullets?

LaPierre: no – we need bigger magazines and more guns to the shoot the monsters like Bigfoot and that one in Loch Ness - he's a slippery one!

Gregory: and the New Jersey Devil

LaPierre: exactly!

Gregory: why do ordinary people
need so much ammunition?

LaPierre: because the mutant monsters have
bullets coming out of their fingers!

Gregory: can't we make mass killers' 
jobs a little harder?

LaPierre: no – haven't you ever seen Monsters Inc?

Gregory: I'm more of a Finding Nemo guy

LaPierre: we need a national database of lunatics!

Gregory: wherever could we find such a list

LaPierre: every cop knows who all the lunatics are

Gregory: I certainly know one when I see one

LaPierre: who put all these mentally ill 
 people on the street?

Gregory: Ronald Reagan

LaPierre: monsters have magic killing powers!

Gregory: okay so how about 
background checks for monsters

LaPierre: I support background checks

Gregory: but you won't close the gun show loophole

LaPierre: I would love to but the federal government is fascist

Gregory: do you realize how crazy you sound?

LaPierre: look we don't want anyone in the 
inner city to have a gun

Gregory: now we're getting somewhere

LaPierre: we should arrest felons 
who try to buy a gun

Gregory: what about assault weapons?

LaPierre: civilians really need these guns which
are not dangerous or effective at all

Gregory: what about high capacity magazines?

LaPierre: those guns are no different 
from any other gun which is why 
they must never be banned

Gregory: would you work with the
administration on gun safety?

LaPierre: no if it would limit the individual's 
sacred right to own a rocket launcher

Gregory: would there be any gun policy
you could ever support?

LaPierre: yes enforce gun laws against black people

Gregory: would you support any new gun law?

LaPierre: no because drug dealers are
never prosecuted in America

Gregory: after 9/11 this nation went
completely insane with new laws except
laws against terrorists owning guns

LaPierre: that was awesome

Gregory: and yet you seem desperate to
make any excuse to avoid a new gun law

LaPierre: a gun is a tool

Gregory: so are you

LaPierre: drug dealers are very astute economists

Gregory: we all know that

LaPierre: we need a massive federal effort
to fund medical treatment

Gregory: Mike Bloomberg says the NRA
are a bunch of losers

LaPierre: he's one of those big city snooty elitists
who want to confiscate your guns

Gregory: maybe but he's rich

LaPierre: the NRA wants major 
baseball players to have a gun even 
if they only have a .215 batting average

Gregory: even Mark Sanchez?

LaPierre: no a responsible gun owner
has to be able to hit something

Gregory: will you support any more laws?

LaPierre: yes if it means more guns and a
bigger more intrusive federal government
so people can use their guns to protect themselves
from a bigger more intrusive federal government

Gregory: thanks for coming Bloody

LaPierre: you're welcome Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: Chucky what did you think of that

Schumer: I think Pierre might be a little crazy

Gregory: my desk looks like someone
slaughted a chicken

Schumer: what about stopping the
bad guy from getting the gun in the first place?

Gregory: Lindsay the NRA doesn't 
want to talk about guns

Graham: I want to talk about how sad I am

Gregory: okay go ahead and cry Linds

Graham: there is never anything we can
do to stop people who aren't wired right
–  believe me I know I'm in the U.S. Senate

Gregory: the assault weapons ban
didn't prevent Columbine

Schumer: mass shootings are the
New Normal which is terrible

Gregory: but banning high capacity 
magazines didn't work before

Schumer: after we enacted it crime went
down and after it expired we have a 
mass shooting every month

Gregory: should we do anything 
but ban video games?

Graham: I love my guns! I love them so much!
[ starts crying again ]

Gregory: easy there Linds

Graham: I have a god-given right to buy an AR-15

Gregory: yes you do

Graham: just lock the school doors!

Gregory: what else would you suggest?

Graham: I was Christmas shopping and
I got a good deal on the new Taylor Swift CD
and also people kept coming up to me crying
saying don't let the governmnet take my guns away!

Gregory: Chucky what's up with the Fiscal Cliff

Schumer: John Boehner is going to have
cut the Tea Party loose and make a deal 
with the Democrats

Gregory: Lindsay could you vote
for raising taxes on rich people

Graham: no

Gregory: what would you vote for

Graham: America is becoming Greece!

Gregory: but with more movie and school shootings

Graham: I would have supported Boehner's plan

Gregory: but it failed

Graham: I also like Simpson-Bowles

Gregory: I love it too but it too also failed

Graham: I just want everyone to know I
will never raise the debt celing unless
we can cut Social Security

Schumer: that's extortion - he's threatening
the credit of the nation so they can achieve
their dream of eliminating Social Security

Gregory: what about Chuck Hegel?

Graham: I like Chuck very much but I 
hear he's a Communist

Gregory: thanks for coming guys

[ break ]

Gregory: panel will we get a Fiscal Cliff deal?

Todd: Obama should try one more 
time to make a big deal

Gregory: they are fed up with 
how pathetic Boehner is

Todd: I think Obama is making 
a big mistake not trying again to work 
with the losers in the House

Chaffetz: Boehner failed to pass anything -
thus putting all the pressure on Obama

Ford: I work on Wall Street and they are
very disappointed that Congress has 
failed to do our bidding

Gregory: that is so sad

Ford: I love this country but I
love making money more

Mitchell: I know of a lot of guys in the stock market
and they told me Obama needs to get over himself
and make a deal which will make them even richer

Gregory: Obama failed but so did John Boehner

Todd: that's just Obama's excuse for not
bailing out Wall Street

Gregory: what about school shootings

Chaffetz: I would be willing to do anything
to prevent school schootings except 
give up my Glock

Gregory: so what else

Chaffetz: I believe in small government -
let's create a national database of the mentally ill

Ford: do you really need a magazine
with 30 shots to hunt squirrels?

Mitchell: there is no national standard
for background checks

Gregory: what about national funding
for a cop in every school?

Todd: Obama is a total loser who needs
to give Boehner everything he wants

Ford: I agree we need armed guards in schools

Chaffetz: gun control doesn't work because
God wants America to have millions of guns

Gregory: I can't argue with that

Chaffetz: people in Utah love guns

Todd: at one point LaPierre actually called for more
background checks but then again he seemed to
be under the influence of some powerful medication

Gregory: if Obama loses Hegel this will be
second consecutive non-nomination he will lose

Mitchell: this proves that Obama is a total loser

Todd: Obama will talk about guns in the
State of the Union which will cause
massive unemployment

Gregory: and that's another episode
of Meet The Press


This Week with George Stephanopoulos – December 23, 2012

Asa Hutchinson - NRA
Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN)
Sen. Johnny Isakson (R-GA)

Stephanopoulos: good morning America 
Congress has accomplished nothing 
so of coursethey have gone on vacation

Stephanopoulos: Asa do you really believe that
murderers like schools because guns
are not allowed there?

Hutchinson: yes every school should have
a trained armed guard – who wouldn't want that?

Stephanopoulos: so to prevent school shootings
we need more guns in schools

Hutchinson: yes putting armed guards on
airplanes has proven to be safe and
reasonable and cost-effective approach
do we hate little children?

Stephanopoulos: if we sit next to them on airplanes

Hutchinson: ha

Stephanopoulos: Joe Manchin says we also need
to look at sensible gun regulation and mental health

Hutchinson: we need gun regulations 
which result inmore guns and if 
that doesn't work we should try more guns

Stephanopoulos: I see

Hutchinson: Tim McVeigh used fertilizer - 
should we regulate that?

Stephanopoulos: we do actually

Hutchinson: shit

Stephanopoulos: so are you saying we just
need to arm every American at all times?

Hutchinson: no it should be voluntary

Stephanopoulos: so you wouldn't require
every teacher to carry a gun

Hutchinson: not the ones teaching Braille

Stephanopoulos: you've really though this through

Hutchinson: indeedy

Stephanopoulos: what about regulating
high capacity gun clips or doing background checks

Hutchinson: the problem with passing good laws
is that people then assume the problem is solved
and our kids might be safe which might mean
people might buy fewer guns to protect themselves

Stephanopoulos: so you would oppose a
policy because it's a good idea?

Hutchinson: exactly

Stephanopoulos: some of the families of the
victims want to limit access to guns
- what do you say to them?

Hutchinson: my heart goes to them and
it's sad that their school didn't have more guns

Stephanopoulos: welcome Senators

Klobuchar: this is insane – we can't have armed 
guards at every doorway in every school 
and every movie theatre and church and temple and mall

Stephanopoulos: we could if we had
fewer entrances or maybe armed robots

Klobuchar: how about actually doing
background checks before some lunatic
buys a combat weapon?

Stephanopoulos: it's one approach

Klobuchar: but respect the brave deer hunters!

Isakson: I wrote the background check law
and Amy is right

Stephanopoulos: whoa

Isakson: but banning assault rifles
won't help because of Columbine

Klobuchar: no one needs a damn 
asssult rifle Johnny

Stephanopoulos: President Obama wants to
avoid the fiscal cliff by keeping tax cuts
for poor people making $250,000

Isakson: Obama is right and I weep for John Boehner

Stephanopoulos: ok

Isakson: but we should also cut entitlements

Stephanopoulos: but that's not going to happen is it

Isakson: sadly no [ weeps ]

Stephanopoulos: Amy could you vote 
for those tax cuts?

Klobuchar: we already did!

Stephanopoulos: oooh

Klobuchar: we need more sane House members
like Johnny because middle class people
don't need a big tax hike now

Stephanopoulos: Johnny are we going
to go off the fiscal cliff?

Isakson: no but I worry about
Wall Street's hurt feelings

Stephanopoulos: is former GOP Senator
Chuck Hegel an anti-semite?

Isakson: I love me some John Kerry

Stephanopoulos: Eliot Engel says 
Chuck Hegel hates Israel

Klobuchar: did you know John Kerry
won the purple heart in Vietnam?

Stephanopoulos: but did he bleed enough?

Klobuchar: ha good one George