Sunday, November 18, 2012

Meet The Press – November 18, 2012

Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-CA)
Rep. Mike Rogers (R-MI)
Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC)
Rep. Raul Labrador (R-ID)
John Podesta
Andrea Mitchell
Tom Friedman
Mike Murphy
Gregory: good morning panel –
Obama fled to Asia under fire
for allowing Petraeus to have an extra-marital affair!

Mitchell: how could Obama let this
happen to such a hero?

Friedman: Hamas wants help from the
muslim brotherhood in Egypt,
Israel is afraid of missiles,
and Syria and Iran are loving it

Gregory: Obama is in bang cock

Mitchell: that's actually Bangkok Fluffy

Gregory: oh right

Obama: Israel has a right to defend itself!

Mitchell: the wonderful Arab Spring led
to this violence because we no longer have
a reliable leader we can bribe to be nice Israel

Gregory: there's democracy for you

Gregory: let's talk about the most important
thing ever – whether the government sufficiently
described an attack as 'terrorism'
or 'just one of those things'

Rogers: it's a semiotic scandal

Feinstein: Petraeus called it terrorism the
next day but Rice followed the CIA talking points
so she is being pilloried for no reason

Rogers: look our job in Congress is to look
as if we are doing something this and gain
political advantage however we can

Gregory: of course

Rogers: we must investigate what happened
but I can tell you without investigating that
the CIA is good and the White House is bad

Gregory: right

Gregory: Rice said the investigation
is ongoing – is that so terrible?

Rogers: yes – without snap judgments
how can ever know what we don't think

Gregory: the White House should
feel intelligence at you

Rogers: exactly

Gregory: why didn't Rice call it terrorism?

Feinstein: because she could only talk about non-secret things

Gregory: why not call it terrorism –
who are we protecting??

Rogers: it's a cover up!!

Feinstein: we should not have talking
points by committee

Gregory: is this a cover-up!?! What is Rice hiding?!?

Mike Rogers: you should go easy
on those accusations Fluffy

Gregory: who cares about facts?! We have to get Obama!

Feinstein: easy there fluffers

Gregory: did people die because Rice lied?!

Feinstein: what the hell are you talking about?!

Gregory: people were killed!!

Rogers: I agree with David Gregory
that Obama had our people murdered

Feinstein: improvements were made to the Annex!

Gregory: that's pretty arcane Diane

Feinstein: we should have had better
security in Bengazi

Gregory: no shit

Gregory: Diane like you I was madly
in love with David Petraeus

Feinstein: my heart is broken over his affair
- did you know he could speak intelligently
on more than one subject

Greg: wow I've never met anyone like that

Feinstein: when a General loses his
car and driver and has to wash his
own dishes it's only natural that he
would have sex with a hot temptress

Gregory: are you saying all this could
have been prevented with a Maytag?

Rogers: this was a cyber threat!

Gregory: how so?

Rogers: no one in the CIA can ever
have a private e-mail account –
otherwise they could be blackmailed
by having private thoughts

Gregory: let's get to what's really important -
how can I use this to make Obama look bad?

Rogers: was Obama informed about the
state of Petraeus sex life before election day?

Gregory: [ excitedly hops up and down in his seat ]
OMG OMG this it – WE GOT OBAMA!!

Rogers: calm down Fluffy I didn't say that

Gregory: but this is so exciting –
this could be Obama's Benghazi!!

Feinstein: chill out Fluffy

Gregory: you guys are no fun –
I bet Linsday will help me get Obama

[ break ]

Gregory: Obama is a terrible President – 
how do you answer this charge?!

Graham: I agree – Obama failed to destroy
al qeada and then covered it up

Gregory: you believe Obama lied to the
American people about terrorism to win reelection

Graham: no I think he sent Susan Rice out
because she is black and will do whatever he says

Gregory: that makes perfect sense

Graham: Obama is always bragging about
how great he is doing against terrorism
well it turns out terrorism STILL EXISTS
which is a huge watergate-style scandal

Gregory: oh my god you blew my mind

Graham: we must have a special 
investigationand a movie starring 
Jason Robards as John McCain

Gregory: who would play you?

Graham: either Brad Pitt or Chaz Bono

Gregory: how do answer the charge
that Obama engaged in a cover up
three weeks before the election?

Graham: Obama chose a story line
that made him look really good because
failure to prevent a major terror attack
always makes a President look bad which
is why I endorsed John Kerry in 2004

Gregory: your logic is impeccable

Graham: I blame the President for
creating a deathtrap and not
responding to pleas for help for 8 hours

Gregory: can Rice be confirmed as 
Secretary of State?

Graham: I am very disappointed in her
telling a story that al qaeda was dismantled
when it was only mostly dismantled

Gregory: how do you answer the charge that
Obama caused Petraeus to have an 
extra martial affair

Graham: that's going a bit far don't you think

Gregory: I want to bash Obama more
than you do - it's head spinning!!

Graham: well Fluffy you are even weirder
than me – and I didn't think that was possible

Gregory: Romney says Obama only won
because he gave poor, brown, black, latino,
hispanic, asian, gay and young people free gifts

Graham: Obama is a terrible President and
poor people are welfare cheats but we
should try harder to create jobs and not
just attack lazy ignorant voters

Gregory: well I think we've covered it all
thanks for coming

[ break ]

Gregory: so panel - BEGNHAZI!! BENGHAZI!!!

Mitchell: Mike Rogers made an outrageous
unfounded accusation - this will raise many
questions about whether Obama should
resign because of Petraeus' sex life

Gregory: it seems like Diane Feinstein
is worried that Petreaus should not
have been made to wash dishes

Gregory: all these attack on Petraeus are so sad

Podesta: indeed – I would also point out to
Andrea Mitchell that Mike Rogers had
zero evidence for his accusation

Michell: who cares – it's out there!

Labrador: Rice lied on Meet The Press –
this is impeachable!

Gregory: this debate will continue! Forever!

Greg: Tom Friedman – Benghazi - go!!!

Friedman: Petreaus saved Iraq for America
and then wrecked Afghanistan

Greg: 1 out of 2 is high for a batting average

Friedman: Libya is not a scandal –
it's a success story!

Gregory: you are ruining the narrative –
let's talk about something else

Greg: Mitt Romney says Obama won
because of gifts to poor and brown people

Murphy: Romney deserves a pass for the
stupid stuff he says because he's a dumb white guy

Gregory: that's true

Murphy: the GOP doesn't have a bad strategy
it has bad ideas

Labrador: conservativism didn't fail –
Romney failed conservatism!

Gregory: please continue

Labrador: I didn't become a conservative
to defend wealthy people and the
richest corporations – it just kind of happened

Murphy: it's not just Mitt Romney –
the problem is our insane base and also
Rush Limbaugh isn't helping either

Labrador: that big spending liberal
Reagan betrayed us all!

Mitchell: Boehner must get massive
spending cuts or his party will revolt

Friedman: or we could not embrace
and austerity and actually grow the economy

Gregory: that's crazy talk

Podesta: we could rebuild our century-old
bridges and cut our fancy health care costs

Gregory: does everyone really need health care anyway?

Labrador: nah

Gregory: Abraham Lincoln didn't need
anti-depressants – for therapy he just
freed the slaves and went to the theater

Mitchell: that worked out great for everyone

Gregory: and that's another episode 
of Meet The Press


This Week with George Stephanopoulos - November 18, 2012

Host: Martha Raddatz
Christiane Amanpour
Rep. Carl Levin (D-MI)
Rep. Peter King (D-NY)
Rep. Nancy Pelosi

Raddatz: wow it sounds like there might
be more violence in the middle east

Audience: that's new

Reporter: indeed the Israeli Navy is
bombing Gaza day and night –
also ground troops might invade

Amanpour: Israeli is very pleased with
what they've done so far – but they
are still cocking the trigger

Raddatz: how is the world reacting?

Amanpour: the US is pressuring Egypt
to pressure Hamas to pressure

Raddatz: Carl that's a lot of pressure

Levin: Israel has right to defend itself
from rockets by firing rockets

Raddatz: of course

Levin: Congress should do a touchdown
dance over the success of Iron Dome

King: I am very bipartisan and 
the proof is I love Israel

Raddatz: what's up with the Egyptians?

Levin: Egypt must crack down Hamas
for all these rocket attacks

Raddatz: Let's talk about the most
important thing ever - Benghazi

King: Rice lied – not Condi the other one

Raddatz: David Petraeus said Rice
was not given proper talking points
so will you apologize

King: no because she should have
said the talking points were watered down

Levin: oh for god's sake could the
GOP stop acting like children

Raddatz: but the talking points!

Raddatz: Petreaus had the same
talking points – is he part of the cover up?!

King: Rice provided less than accurate
information about a nighttime mob assault
and/or terrorist attack!

Levin: get a life you ignorant blow hard

Raddatz: what about Petreaus' penis?

King: I love Petreaus and he had always
handled himself with great dignity but I
am Catholic so he had to be fired

Levin: he shouldn't resigned over an affair
he's a hero

Raddatz: but he had s-e-x !

Levin: oh right I forgot – never mind

Raddatz: oh my god – Congres must
prevent the fiscal cliff Congress created!

Raddatz: Nancy can we really make
a deal to prevent the destruction of America

Pelosi: yes but if we don't America
will be wrecked

Raddatz: what are your short-term goals?

Pelosi: prevent giant man-eating
beavers from consumer our larger cities

Raddatz: can Speaker Boehner
really deliver the tea party?

Pelosi: I don't know – they are pretty much insane

Raddatz: would they ever raise taxes?

Pelosi: they would be willing to eliminate
the home mortgage deduction in exchange
for eliminating social security

Raddatz: there's a win-win

Pelosi: also cut funding for education
and free oxygen

Raddatz: should we consider just falling
off the fiscal cliff?

Pelosi: maybe

Raddatz: are you willing to walk away?

Pelosi: I'm not going to walk away
I'm going to win

Raddatz: do you agree with yourself?

Pelosi: yes

Raddatz: awesome

Pelosi: we're all grownups

Raddatz: plus Michelle Bachmann

Pelosi: right

Raddatz: you seemed offended that the
idea you should step aside for someone younger

Pelosi: I was amused it – I get called a 
communist at least ten times a day

Raddatz: thanks for coming

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Meet The Press – November 11, 2012

Rep. Joaquin Castro (D-TX)
Andrea Mitchell
Chuck Todd
Bob Woodward
Doris Kearns Goodwin
Jim Cramer
Steve Schmidt

Gregory: holy crap Obama was historically
reelected but never mind - Saint Petraeus 
resigned over naughty sex!

Mitchell: apparently there was some unknown
scored woman and an open gmail account
which led to the FBI and then to Congress
which is genius for the head of the CIA

Gregory: oh my god

Mitchell: this raises questions
about what Obama is hiding

Woodward: obviously this bewitching
woman enchanted Saint Petraeus

Gregory: clearly

Woodward: Petraeus knows what
really happened in Benghazi and
now he's been silenced!

Gregory: wow

Woodward: Petraeus always dug deep
and now there are videos

Gregory: this happened election night!

Mitchell: which is why the conspiracy
theorists are going wild

Gregory: I love it Andrea!

Woodward: Obama loves Petraeus –
just look at the Bay of Pigs and bin Laden

Mitchell: of course

Gregory: Petraeus had a lot of bandwidth

Woodward: he did the honorable thing by
throwing himself off the Tarpean rock

Gregory: should Obama have refused
to accept the Saint's resignation?

Schumer: no because Petreaus is a true hero

Coburn: face it - women and classified
information don't mix

Gregory: this is another reason to regard
Benghazi as a scandal isn't it

Coburn: indeed we must talk of nothing else

Gregory: but the Fiscal Cliff is almost
as frightening as sex

Coburn: that's a tough call Fluffy

Gregory: the debt is all-important and
therefore we must avoid cutting spending
or raising taxes

Gregory: talk to me about inflicting pain

Coburn: Republicans are willing to cut
raises taxes if we can cut the size of the
federal government in half

Gregory: would you really raises
taxes on rich people like me??

Coburn: yes but the real problem is
greedy old and sick people

Gregory: let's talk more about painful outcomes

Schumer: hey Democrats won
the election Fluffy

Gregory: in theory maybe

Schumer: John Boehner is a gnome
who turns straw into gold

Gregory: I was talking to Republicans this week

Schumer: of course you were

Gregory: what if we didn't raise taxes on rich
people me and on other people instead –
could we please do that

Schumer: bite me Fluffy

Gregory: Senator Coburn please help me

Coburn: if we limit deductions and
exemptions on rich people we could
avoid raising taxes on rich people

Gregory: what about immigration reform

Schumer: Lindsay Graham and I broke up
two years ago but now we're dating again

Gregory: adorbs

Schumer: if we have a national ID it will
stop illegal immigration in its dirty tracks

Gregory: what is the lesson of the 2012 election

Coburn: don't run as a hateful assholes

Gregory: fascinating

Gregory: should Mitt Romney be in
charge of America during the Fiscal Cliff

Schumer: yes and let's put Jeb Bush
in charge of immigration

Gregory: thanks for coming dudes

[ break ]

Gregory: we just had a Presidential election
what about Petraeus' penis??

Todd: mister we could use a man
like George Tenet again

Schmidt: Saint Petreaus is a hero who
did the honorable thing and we all
owe him a debt of gratitude

Goodwin: I miss the days when Presidents
could bang the secretaries all day long
and still put in a full day of planning D-Day

Woodward: how can the head of the CIA 
not keep an affair a secret??

Gregory: good point

Woodward: on the other hand I've known
him for 20 years and we never had sex

Gregory: Obama ran a small and brutish campaign
and he is delusional and also has no mandate

Castro: my identical twin brother
told me you were a moron

Gregory: you remind me of him

Castro: Democrats won the election
you simpleton

Gregory: Bush's style was to spend political capital

Schmidt: yes but Obama must work
with Republicans or he is a failure

Todd: Obama has 60 days before we can
declare his second term a total disaster

Gregory: why so long

Todd: Obama must do a reach-around
on the GOP leadership

Gregory: what about the Fiscal Cliff?

Cramer: this could cause a recession! Eeek!

Gregory: the cliff scares me

Cramer: why hire a new employee
when the government still exists?

Gregory: Obama's biggest mistake was
not surrounding himself with rich
businessmen wasn't it?

Cramer: yes because they care about
getting rich and also staying rich

Goodwin: Obama should get drunk
with John Boehner every night

Gregory: can we get a Grand Bargain?

Woodward: Obama was willing to go very
far and the GOP wouldn't work with him

Gregory: can we inflict pain on regular people

Castro: sure why not

Gregory: how on earth did Obama win?

Todd: non-white people

Gregory: whoa

Todd: did you know there are black people in Ohio?

Gregory: I though LeBron James went to Florida

Todd: he did – and Obama won Cubans!

Gregory: give him a cigar

Todd: Texas is the next swing state

Gregory: cripes

Schmidt: too many Republicans
think all Latinos are illegal

Gregory: Rush Limbaugh fears we
will pass out birth control pills to illegals

Castro: hispanics have been here for
hundreds of years – look at Ted Cruz

Gregory: I hope he gets back together 
with Katie Holmes

Goodwin: Romney lost women 
minorities and scientologists

Gregory: there is a lot of opposition out
there to Obama and he only won
because of bunch of brown people

Woodward: the debt is out of control!
America is doomed!

Gregory: so true

Woodward: Obama has to ignore
his base and slash the debt

Todd: the GOP has become a group of
ungovernable special interest wackos

Schmidt: Rush Limbaugh is destroying
the Republican party

Gregory: can Obama become like Abraham
Lincoln by working with Republicans

Goodwin: yes – Obama must bring into his
cabinet many CEOs and of course Mitt Romney

Woodward: John Boehner is such a hero
by offering to work with Obama

Castro: oh for god's sake – he always 
caves to the tea party

Woodward: maybe but I can dream can't I

Gregory: and that's another episode
of Meet The Press


This Week with George Stephanopoulos – November 11, 2012

Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA)
Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA)
Rep. Donna Edwards
Rep. Aaron Schock
Katrina Vanden Heuvel
Paul Gigot
Greta Van Susteren

Stephanopoulos: holy crap Obama swept
all the swing state which means he
might be the President

Audience: wow

Stephanopoulos: in bigger news Saint Petraeus
was having sex with his biographer

ABC Journalist: this fall from grace is so sad

Stephanopoulos: isn't this unfair and how
can we blame Obama

ABC Journalist: yes because he didn't
commit any crimes

Stephanopoulos: when did you find out
Petraeus was a slut?

Chambliss: people in intelligence found
out on Tuesday but I found on Friday
watching The Voice

Stephanopoulos: should the FBI have told
Obama before the election?

Chambliss: no because Petraeus is a superhero
and there is no question that he did the right thing

Stephanopoulos: um right

Stephanopoulos: was General Petraeus straight with you

Chambliss: he's not one of them gays
as far as I know

Stephanopoulos: but now we'll never know
what happened with Benghazi

Chambliss: we know Obama is a terrible
President which is all we need to know

Stephanopoulos: did Petreaus lie to you

Chambliss: oh no that's impossible
for a Saint like him

Stephanopoulos: what do you think Patty

Murray: he's a handsome man

Stephanopoulos: what about the Fiscal Cliff

Murrray: Republicans complain about
the deficit constantly – time to put up
and then please shut up

Stephanopoulos: meaning what

Murray: raise taxes on the superrich

Stephanopoulos: but the cliff is so scary!

Murray: we just had an election
Stephy so quit whining

Stephanopoulos: will the rich riot in the
streets of East Hampton if there is a
2% tax hikes on the wealthy?

Chambliss: old and sick people are ruining
America for the rest of us

Stephanopoulos: what else

Chambliss: lets cut the deficit by lowering tax rates

Stephanopoulos: excellent

Chambliss: Presidents Ernst and Young say
if we raise taxes on rich job creators
we wil lose 700,000 jobs

Stephanopoulos: if go off the cliff won't the
economy suffer when it was going so well

Murray: I hear Saxby Chambliss saying
he wants to eliminate tax deductions
for middle class people

Chambliss: those moochers have it too good right now

Stephanopoulos: so what should we do?

Chambliss: we need to put politics aside
and admit Obama won the election so now
he should sit down with Republicans and
do what they want which is what a 
real leader would do

Stephanopoulos: will this get done by New Year's eve

Murray: yes if we raise taxes on the rich

Chambliss: no because getting rid of
Social Security will take more than six weeks

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming you crazy kids

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: whoa Petraeus quit over sex!

Susteren: he had better not lied to
anyone ever or he will go to
Martha Stewart's prison

Gigot: Petraeus saved Iraq and Afghanistan
and was forced out over Gmail

Vanden Heuvel: he had sex with a woman
not his wife – also the CIA tortures
people and counterinsurgency failed

Susteren: he was part of the Benghazi cover up!

Aaron Schock: it's unacceptable that the
head of the CIA could not hide an affair

Donna Edwards: there are many
concerns about intelligence in Congress

Susteren: Petraeus may have been
having sex the high holy day of 9/11!

Vanden Heuvel: oh zip it Greta –
he was Fox's Presidential candidate

Susteren: Fox is totally not a fake
news network for reals!

Gigot: what did Obama know and
when did he know it?!

Stephanopoulos: indeed if Obama can't control
the Petreaus penis how can he control America?