Sunday, October 28, 2012

Meet The Press - October 28, 2012

Al Roker
Gov. Jon Kasich (R-OH)
Gov. Scott Walker (R-WI)
Gov. Hickenlooper (D-CO)
Carly Fiorina
E.J. Dionne
Rachel Maddow
Chuck Todd
Gregory: holy crap 50 million people are
threatened by a superstorm - how does
this affect politics??

Roker: David this storm is 1,000 miles wide
and will probably destroy New York City

Gregory: is there any good news?

Roker: it’s headed straight to New Jersey

Gregory: whew!

Roker: also there will be tsunamis, rain,
and 100 mph winds

Gregory: good lord what else

Roker: we will probably be out of
power for roughly 15  years

Gregory: can be people still vote??

Roker: I vote to get the hell out of here

Gregory: did Obama send this storm to
steal this election?

Todd: no doubt he did

Gregory: Chucky use your expertise to
tell us what are the important states

Todd: forget what I think - look at where
the candidates are going this week -
that tell your everything

Gregory: but they changed their schedules
because of the storm on the east coast

Todd: shit I got nothing

Gregory: I talked to the campaigns and
they told both me they will win

Todd: Romney could pick up 8 million votes!

Gregory: that is so exciting

Todd: Romney can win Ohio, Iowa,
Colorado and Florida!

Gregory: oh my god!

Todd: but even if he does he still loses

Gregory: oh crap

Gregory: Rachel how is Obama making
the argument that you can’t trust Mitt Romney

Maddow: by saying that Fluffy

Gregory: Obama is so wily

Maddow: this week Romney is lying
about Jeeps and the Chinese

Gregory: on the other hand Romney
is arguing that Obama caused the
recession in 2008

Fiorina: you can’t trust Obama because
he hasn’t fixed the Bush recession and
Obama let the Libya consulate be attacked
for 7 hours while he played golf!

Brooks: both sides disappoint me by not
promising to crush the American people entirely

Dionne: Mitt Romney is a lying shape-shifter
- also he would have wrecked Detroit

Brooks: Obama has no second-term agenda

Dionne: yes he does

Fiorina: Romney was in favor of the
auto bailout - but he would have given
the money to bondholders and crushed the unions

Maddow: Romney said you can kiss
the auto industry goodbye if Obama’s
plan is followed

Fiorina: did you know companies that
didn’t need a bailout are doing well

Maddow: so what

Fiorina: so we should vote all for Romney

Todd: Romney wins coal miners
and Obama wins auto workers

Gregory: why is unemployment so low in Ohio?

Kasich: the job creators are so awesome!

Gregory: nice

Kasich: we have a lot of common sense here

Gregory: of course you do

Kasich: the auto industry is stupid
and useless anyway

Gregory: but 1 out of 8 jobs in Ohio
depend on cars

Kasich: look I love cars too but under
Obama we’ve also built up health care
and information technology

Gregory: cool

Kasich: let’s be fair - Romney did not
personally fire anyone in Ohio

Gregory: yes he did

Kasich: well then he didn’t kill anyone here

Gregory: that we know of

Kasich: true enough

Gregory: Mitt Romney says Jon Kasich
brought Ohio 10% unemployment

Kasich: Bush costs up 400,000 jobs

Gregory: please continue

Kasich: small business have a lot of
debt and won’t do anything until all
regulations are repealed and taxes cut

Gregory: good

Kasich: also we need to cut the
debt and cut taxes

Gregory: awesome

Kasich: it’s all very psychological - businesses
live in fear of non-commonsense regulations

Gregory: does Romney have any
core principles at all?

Kasich: Romney created jobs and
he is a job creator

Gregory: ok

Kasich: he is a Pure Leader®

Gregory: ok

Kasich: also he’s a job creator

Gregory: why should people vote for Romney

Kasich: look at the first debate!

Gregory: what about the other two debates?

Kasich: look at the first debate!

Gregory: can Ohio count the votes in one night

Kasich: yes because all independent votes
will deliver a blowout for Romney

Gregory: wow

[ break ]

Gregory: what about Ohio

Maddow: the GOP in Ohio is panicking
about unions and early voting

Brooks: white people are only voting for
Obama because of fracking

Maddow: Bobo I want access to the
hallucinogenic materials you regularly ingest

Brooks: Romney should have run as
the second coming of Mitch Daniels

Todd: what makes Ohio different from
all other states?

Gregory: bitter herbs?

Todd: bitter guys named Herb

Gregory: fascinating

Todd: Obama is winning white guys in Ohio

Dionne: because Kasich hates unions

Brooks: we all do

Dionne: Michigan is adding jobs and by the
way Republicans opposed the auto bailout

Fiorina: that’s not true - we just opposed
workers and favors lenders

Gregory: excellent

Fiorina: Republicans have a plan -
cut taxes and cut the deficit

Gregory: people like the growing economy
but people *feel* that the Obama
record is lackluster

Maddow: I *feel* in my gut that I
will be taking your jobs soon

Brooks: politics is dysfunctional and it’s
all Obama’s fault and also Mitt Romney
kind of sucks too

Gregory: welcome Governors your states
are of course tied as everything is everywhere

Walker: thanks for the invite Fluff

Gregory: Hicks why should I vote for Obama?

Hickenlooper: Republicans caused the
recession and Obama has turned the
U.S. economy around

Gregory: so you say

Hickenlooper: also Romney will cut taxes
for the rich and eliminate the tax
deduction for charity

Walker: no one cares that the GOP wrecked
the economy so many many years ago

Gregory: what else

Walker: Obama has no plan

Gregory: of course he does

Walker: Obama ruined the great
economy we gave him and
also the first debate

Gregory: what about the first debate?

Walker: first debate!!

Gregory: how can we cut taxes and
also cut the debt?

Walker: who cares about math - people want action!

Gregory: that is true

Walker: Obama will make my grandchildren poor

Gregory: I see

Walker: supply side economics works!

Gregory: excellent

Walker: in Wisconsin we went from 9%
unemployment  to 7% !

Gregory: so did Obama nationally

Walker: see how terrible Obama is?

Gregory: governor don’t we have to cut Medicaid?

Hickenlooper: we can’t get anything done
with the Tea Party ruining everything

Gregory: do we have enough guns in America?

Hickenlooper: there are 120 million shotguns
in America - that’s probably enough

Walker: we need to stand with domestic
violence victims!

Gregory: thanks for coming guys

Gregory: coming up next the fight for
women and latino voters - who will
Rosie Perez vote for??

[ break ]

Gregory: candidates all over are fighting
for the women’s vote for example a GOP
Indiana Senate candidate got women’s
attention by saying rape is god’s will

Fiorina: Richard Murdock said a really stupid
thing but women don’t care about that -
they care about how Romney will give
them health care and how Obama
caused the recession in 2008

Maddow: this is the party in favor of forced
ultrasounds, redefining rape, banning
birth control - you can’t avoid this fight
with Paul Ryan on the ticket

Todd: Romney is more popular than
the Republican party and if he loses it will
be the fault of these crazy people

Fiorina: no fair - it will also be a
gaffe-prone candidate, a terrible
campaign, and idiotic spokespeople

Brooks: single women do not want weird
old men inside their vaginas and
I have no idea why

Dionne: Romney has running screaming
from the Tea Party but won’t separate
himself from Richard Murdock

Gregory: I have been paying close attention
to this race and I have no idea want
Romney or Obama stand for

Todd: Romney has an advantage because
he just has to convince people he is not a
sociopath while Obama has to prove has
not invented a time machine to cause past
recessions and he seems like a smarty-pants
who would hide a time machine if he had one

Fiorina: we have a clear choice between
someone who will bring back the economic
recovery under George Bush or Obama
who caused a recession four years ago

Maddow: that’s completely crazy

Fiorina: also Romney is bipartisan and
Obama could not work with the Republicans

Maddow: because Republicans refused
to work with Obama

Dionne: it’s political extortion

Fiorina: see how weak Obama is!

Gregory: and that’s another
episode of Meet The Press

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Meet The Press - October 21, 2012

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)
David Axelrod (Obama campaign)
Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH)
Helene Cooper (NYT)
Tom Friedman (MOU)
Mike Murphy (GOP)
Dee Dee Myers (D)
Gregory: OMG the race is exactly tied!!

Todd: it’s a incredible coincidence that
the media is announcing the race is a tie
when a tie is also good for the media

Todd: Romney leads among men and
Obama leads with women but that’s
still good for Romney

Gregory: excellent

Todd: Romney leads in the South,
Obama in the East and the Midwest will
decide your next President

[ break ]

Gregory: Marco will Mitt Romney win Florida

Rubio: Obama has completely failed in the
last 72 hours to talk about his plan for the
next four years

Gregory: you are a noted expert in Iran -
should we do one-on-one negotiations?

Rubio: no one wants a war even though
they are really fun

Gregory: would Romney talk to Iran?

Rubio: we should only start a war with
Iran after sanctions have failed

Gregory: good

Rubio: Romney has a clear vision which
is Iran must not have a nuclear capacity
which will cause peace

Gregory: I was in Ohio his week

Rubio: I’m sorry to hear that

Gregory: suddenly Mitt Romney is
pro-contraception and pro-abortion for
rape and incest but supported the Blunt amendment

Rubio: this is not about contraception -
it’s about religious liberty

Gregory: so what is Romney’s policy?

Rubio: it has to be a legitimate religious exception

Gregory: what is that?

Rubio: you know a real religion
which is like legitimate rape

Gregory: So unelected bureaucrats would
decide whose religious beliefs are genuine
and which were not

Rubio: exactly - that’s what government
is for -- to decide which religions are real
like Catholcism and which are fake like-

Gregory: like Mormons?

Rubio: I was thinking of Lutherans

Gregory: would Romney sign a law banning abortion

Rubio: there is great diversity in the GOP
on this issue and Mitt Romney holds all those views

Gregory: have you seen any of these
binders full of women and do they have
a lot of recipes to rush home and make dinner

Rubio: Obama has totally failed to get
women jobs after the Bush recession!
What’s his plan! What’s his plan!

Gregory: does Romney think working
women should rush home to make dinner

Rubio: his record on women speaks for itself -
he’s never had an extra marital affair

Gregory: everyone knows that Medicare
is going broke

Rubio: of course it is

Gregory: why not offer your mother a
wonderful voucher for Medicare

Rubio: because my generation will have
great choices which my mother doesn’t deserve

Gregory: do you dislike her

Rubio: look she’s 81 and actually needs
Medicare unlike people who 30 years old now

Gregory: that makes sense

Rubio: where is the President’s plan to
voucherize Medicare?!

[ break ]

Gregory: is Obama going to talk to Iran
before we all go to war?

Axelrod: Obama has imposed withering sanctions
and brought the economy to its knees

Gregory: awesome

Axelrod: those wily Persians are feeling the heat

Gregory: cool

Axelrod: the world is unified against Iran

Gregory: the issue has been that Obama
said an attack on a consulate in Africa
could have more than one cause which as
we know is impossible

Axelrod: Fluffy you sound like an idiot

Gregory: Obama said he was destroyed
al-qeada and it looks like he didn’t

Axelrod: you said that last week and it wasn’t
true then either

Gregory: please continue David

Axelrod: Darrell Issa endangered the
lives of freedom fighters by revealing
classified information

Gregory: but he’s so wonderful

Axelrod: Paul Ryan tried to cut the state dept budget

Gregory: but how can White House change its
story about a riot in the middle of the night in
a foreign country just because new
information comes in??

Axelrod: I love you Fluffers

Gregory: does Obama have a plan for
the next four years?

Axelrod: yes - preventing the Republicans
from destroying America

Gregory: ok but what else

Axelrod: stop Romney from giving rich people
another five trillion dollars!

Gregory: Third Debate - The Final Showdown!

Axelrod: Romney is reckless and also kind of stupid

Gregory: that’s a little harsh

Axelrod: his Dukes of Hazzard Tour of
Great Britain was awful

Gregory: I always wanted to be Bo Duke

Axelrod: of course

Gregory: the race is 47-47 and Romney
leads in battleground states

Axelrod: NBC polls show Obama leading
in the swing states

Gregory: no! not true! It can’t be!

Axelrod: if you say so Fluff

[ break ]

Gregory: panel what really happened in Libya

Friedman: no one knows - people are not
easily categorized as terrorists or an
angry mob you know

Gregory: too bad

Friedman: thousands of Libyans marched
in favor of the United States of America
- that’s a good thing!

Gregory: but Obama claimed he destroyed
al-qeada and yet the FBI cannot get in there
and conservative magazines say
Obama is soft on terror

Myers: just as our intelligence has changed you
have become a greater moron over time

Gregory: but Peter King thinks Obama
is soft on terror

Cooper: get a grip on yourself Greggers

Murphy: Obama keeps putting our different
stories just because he gets new information

Gregory: Helene talk to me like I am an idiot

Cooper: I think I can do that

Gregory: thanks

Cooper: I’m concerned that America is not
very popular in Egypt and we’re not addressing
that in any meaningfully way

Friedman: Arab nations and Europe are both
failing and we are all interdependent which
means we’re all screwed

Gregory: but America is Number One!!

Murphy: who lost Egypt?

Gregory: should we go to war with Iran

Cooper: Obama has been pursuing talks
with Iran and now they are ready to talk
because things are really fucked up there

Friedman: he’s completely wrecked Iran’s
economy - he’s like a foreign policy George Bush

Murphy: America needs a ruthless bastard
and that’s the guy from Bain Capital

Gregory: Rob will Romney go to war with Iran?

Portman: Obama is totally soft on Iran
and hates our allies

Gregory: Romney loves allies?

Portman: oh yeah he’s all about working
with other countries

Gregory: Ohioans are being bombed
with advertising

Portman: I’ve been to a lot of Romney volunteer
offices and most people there plan to vote for
 him which is very encouraging

Gregory: Presidents Alan Simpson and
Erskine Bowles say Romney’s plan doesn’t add up

Portman: he will look at deductions and exemptions

Gregory: which ones?

Portman: never mind that - at least Romney has an unworkable plan - Obama has no plan

Gregory: no?

Portmna: Obama he wants to do in the next
four years when he did in the last four years

Gregory: well then that is a plan

Portman: he has a bad no plan!

Greg: thanks for coming Robbers

Gregory: panel what do women want?

Myers: Binders Full of Men

Gregory: nice

Myers: why did Romney need those binders
and why did he lie about it?

Gregory: Romney is doing better with women!

Murphy: I can’t remember any men who ever
worked with Romney

Gregory: they must have been very boring

Murphy: Romney was elected Governor
what does that tell you

Gregory: should working women rush home
to make my dinner

Copper: oh my god

Gregory: but isn’t Mitt Romney right about everything?

Friedman: yes

Gregory: super

Friedman: Obama should run this time as
the first ever white President who is also black

Gregory: who is winning this race?

Murphy: if Romney were doing better he
would definitely win

Myers: Obama is strong on the ground

Gregory: what would ask Obama and Romney tomorrow?

Cooper: should we start a trade war with
China or Palestine

Friedman: would you support a tax on
carbon-based life forms

Gregory: that’s an easy one for Mitt Romney

Gregory: liberal George McGovern has died and
he once appeared on Meet The Press -
I wonder what he would have thought of
Simpson-Bowles now we’ll never know and
that is so very sad

Friedman: [ sniff ]

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press

Virtually Speaking Sundays - 6:00 p.m. Pacific| 9:00 p.m. Eastern -

Stuart Zechman talks with Marcy Wheeler, one of America's great investigative journalists, about Benghazi; unemployment and Third Way 'recovery' and 'stimulus;' and the constitutional amendment to legalize collective bargaining in Michigan; also featuring Culture of Truth's Most Ridiculous Thing That Happened This Sunday.

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - October 21, 2012

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)
Rep. Wasserman-Schultz (D-FL)
Matthew Dowd
Ralph Reed
Greta Van Susteren

Stephanopoulos: Hi Rahm

Emmanuel: hey Stephy

Stephanopoulos: OMG by an incredible
coincidence the race is exactly tied

Emmanuel: sure it is

Stephanopoulos: Romney says Obama
has no vision or plan for the next four years
which I must assume is true

Emmanuel: it isn’t dipshit

Stephanopoulos: what is Obama’s plan

Emmanuel: end the wars, invest in America,
and raise taxes on the obscenely rich

Stephanopoulos: but that’s boring

Emmanuel: shut up twerp

Stephanopoulos: but Obama has been a failure

Emmanuel: the economy was near collapse
and now we’ve added 5 million jobs

Stephanopoulos: but-

Emmanuel: we’re doing medical research
and building airport runways

Stephanopoulos: but-

Emmanuel: Romney will crush the middle class

Stephanopoulos: let’s talk about foreign-

Emmanuel: I will cut you bitch!

Stephanopoulos: President Issa is
worried that the Libyan civil war is
not entirely peaceful place

Emmanuel: Darrell Issa put freedom-loving
Libyans at risk and the people who did this
will be brought to justice 

Stephanopoulos: you mean Obama will go
after the terrorists

Emmanuel: is that what I said

Stephanopoulos: are we going to have
direct talks with Iran?

Emmanuel: when Bush was President
Iran had America isolated and now the
tables have been fucking turned motherfucker

Stephanopoulos: but direct talks-

Emmanuel: Obama’s steady leadership
has crippled Iran’s economy

Stephanopoulos: but what about-

Emmanuel: we need to strengthen our
economy here at home!

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming Rahm

Emmanuel: screw you punk

Stephanopoulos: welcome Marco - is Rahm right
should we invest in America?

Rubio: no we can’t afford it

Stephanopoulos: too bad

Rubio: Obama has no plan

Stephanopoulos: Axelrod just said he was wants
to invest in infrastructure

Rubio: sure he wants to build bridges
but he has no plan

Stephanopoulos: Isn’t Florida’s progress proof
that Obama is doing a good job

Rubio: no because Obama is crushing the
American economy except in Florida

Steph: so why is the economy growing in Florida

Rubio: imagine if we repealed Obamacare -
then Florida we would be doing really really well!

Stephanopoulos: Obama says Romney has
Romnesia which causes flip-flopping and hypocrisy

Rubio: that’s fine but Obama never talks
about cutting Medicare

Stephanopoulos: does Romney support the
Lilly Ledbetter law - yes or no

Rubio: equal rights only helps trial lawyers
who help people get their rights unlike
corporations who can’t afford fancy lawyers

Stephanopoulos: it appears your earpiece stopped
working when I asked that question about
Lilly Ledbetter and is now suddenly working again

Rubio: mirable dictu!

Stephanopoulos: should we go to war with Iran?

Rubio: Obama hates democracy so Iran’s
leaders are building a nuclear bomb

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: Obama won the last debate
but of course Mitt Romney still has the momentum

Dowd: no the President still has a slight advantage

Stephanopoulos: no no no stop talking!!

Reed: the second debate is irrelevant
- Romney is still winning

Stephanopoulos: thank you sir!

Susteren: women are turned off by all the fighting

Jones: of course the race is tied

Stephanopoulos: under the Laws of Journalism
it must be

Dowd: yes

Stephanopoulos: independents and women are
turning to Romney

Dowd: women may yet decide this election

Stephanopoulos: incredible

Dowd: this race is just like 2004 when Bush
lost the debates and then fell behind
and came back to win

Reed: yes but in 2004 no American was poor
because Bush had not yet caused a recession

Jones: the good thing about women is that
they can tell when a man is lying to them

Susteren: Obama’s had four years to fix
Bush’s mess - time’s up!

Wasserman: Romney thinks of women as binder-fillers

Susteren: oh well they’ve heard worse

Reed: Mitt Romney has been very clear
on not having a position on the Lilly Ledbetter law

Stephanopoulos: there you have it

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Meet The Press - October 14, 2012

Gov. Bob McDonnell (R-VA)
Fmr. Gov. Jennifer Granhom (D-MI)
Mayor Kasim Reed (D-Atlanta)
Tom Brokaw
Alex Castellanos
Stephen Colbert
Gregory: OMG Joe Biden rolled his
eyes during the debate

Gregory: Welcome Bob now give
me some spin

McDonnell: Obama has only created
millions of new jobs in Virginia
- he must be fired

Gregory: I’ve been reading a lot of
right-wing magazines

Granholm: how shocking

Gregory: and they all say Romney is winning

Granhom: we have the lowest
unemployment in four years,
consumer confidence is up, the
strong housing numbers
- we can’t go back Fluffy

Brokaw: Republicans think Joe
Biden was over-the-top

Gregory: that’s all you really
need to know

Brokaw: Obama will probably lose

Gregory: excellent

Brokaw: but Bruce Springsteen and
Bill Clinton are campaigning for Obama
- the Boss and the Big Dog could help

Castellanos: Mitt Romney shook the
etch-a-sketch and lied a lot which
has helped him very much

Gregory: that’s good news

Castellanos: Obama has no campaign
now that Romney is pretending
to be someone else

Gregory: Biden was so dismissive of young
Master Ryan I think he was on drugs

Reed: Biden is authentic and Romney
is a total phony

McDonnell: Biden said the middle class
has gotten buried for the past four years
and Biden has been in charge for the past for years

Gregory: Obama caused the recession?

McDonnell: we must pay off the debt!

Gregory: we have got to resolve the debt
issue by both sides in the next few weeks!

Brokaw: both sides have failed to make
the American people suffer enough

Gregory: good point

Brokaw: Obama must level with the
people about the need to inflict pain
on the middle class

Reed: criminy Romney has said he will
not raise taxes at all

Gregory: yes he will - just only on poor people

Castellanos: all we have to do is cut
taxes for rich people and everything
will be fine

Reed: you’re crazy

Brokaw: rich people really want to pay
more taxes but they justifiably insist on
poor people suffering first

Gregory: rich people are pure
non-ideological saints

Brokaw: they are so wonderful

Gregory: Biden said they didn’t know
the Libya embassy wanted more security

Granholm: the one in Tripoli but not
the one in Benghazi

McDonnell: we should not politicize
such attacks but I will just say that
Obama has weakened America and
will destroy our military which also
creates jobs in Virginia

Gregory: that is a perfect answer

Brokaw: how could Obama not know
that al-qaeda was going to attack
our consulates?

Castellanos: we need the world to
perceive that a President is strong -
the world looks at Obama sees weakness
which is why al-qaeda attacked a
consulate in Libya

Reed: George Bush a weak President
who invited an attack in 2001 and
Barack Obama killed Osama bin Laden

Gregory: The Big Dog was happy to
Ol’ Moderate Mitt

Clinton: where has this fake moderate been?

Gregory: is Romney the biggest
flip-flopper in history?

McDonnell: no because energy prices
have doubled under Obama

Gregory: that isn’t true

McDonnell: look Romney is a competent
white guy - just elect him already!

Granholm: Romney is a Trojan horse -
with little tiny necon soldiers inside him

Castellanos: Romney is essentially
a moderate who doesn’t drink caffeine
- how awesome is that

Reed: Romney is fleeing the right-wing
but he still believes cutting taxes
for the rich solves all problems

Brokaw: the debates have
reenergized the country

Greg: that is so true if you live
in the Beltway Zone

Brokaw: the challenge for the debates
will be for Obama to stop being so
terrible and Romney to point out
how Obama is terrible

Gregory: nice

Brokaw: the American people want
tough truth telling about how we
must cut public pensions

Gregory: this next debate is a town hall
format where random idiots get to ask
the President what kind of underwear they like

Castellanos: finally a substantive debate

Brokaw: Romney must find a connect
with human beings and Barack Obama
must finally put out a detailed plan

Gregory: like his year-old American Jobs Act?

Brokaw: harrumph

[ break ]

Gregory: Stephen welcome to Meet The Press

Colbert: I would love to meet the press -
where are they and why do they suck?

Gregory: who is winning this race?

Colbert: Mitt Romney is rockin’

Gregory: what does the real Colbert think?

Colbert: Romney was a shambles and
now seems to have his shit together

Gregory: what do your guests think of you?

Colbert: I actively play an idiot but
sometimes they forget like Bob Kerry
who stormed off stage because I was so stupid

Gregory: college courses us your show
to teach satire

Colbert: am I that brilliant oh dear

Gregory: you are a satirist but you
also use humor make a serious point

Colbert: that’s what satire is Fluffy

Gregory: if you say so

Colbert: I am fascinated by public issues
and I admire real newsmen and
also people like you

Gregory: you testified on Capitol Hill

Colbert: yes but I would only
do it in character

Greg: why did you do that

Colbert: to expose Congress as
a very silly place

Gregory: did they really need you to do that

Colbert: well anyway it was fun

Gregory: you made your own Super PAC

Colbert: I made a Super PAC by
accident to spoof the lack of rules
in political fundraising

Gregory: like me you cover the news

Colbert: Jon Stewart deconstructs
the news and I reconstruct the news

Greg: to spoof the absurdity of politics

Colbert: there is so little
trustworthy in the news

Gregory: why do young people
trust you to get the news instead of me

Colbert: you have to ask Fluffy

Gregory: pretend I'm not very bright

Colbert: I'll do my best

Gregory: thanks

Colbert: comedy makes you stop and
listen and think for a minute

Gregory: you wrote a book

Colbert: I wanted to write about how America
is the greatest nation of all time and
also we’re doomed

Gregory: why did you write another book

Colbert: why did the Bible need
another testament?

Gregory: does this election matter

Colbert: it’s hard to say Romney
seems sincere as a moderate and
also seems sincere a conservativehttp://

Gregory: that is true

Gregory: panel what lesson should politicians
take from Stephen Colbert

Reed: politicians and the media need to learn
to stop being such phonies

Brokaw: the lesson is both sides
are total hypocrites

McDonnell: Colbert is right -
we must elect Mitt Romney!

Gregory: who wins this election?

McDonnell: whoever can spend government
money to bring jobs to Virginia and
lower gas prices

Granholm: who do you trust to fight to
for the middle class - the guy with a
single mother or the guy with a dancing
horse and a Swiss bank account who’s
been rich and privileged his whole life

Gregory: and that’s another
episode of Meet The Press


This Week with George Stephanopoulos - October 14, 2012

Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH)
Atty. Gen. Beau Biden (D-DE)
Chris Dodd
Newt Gingrich
Richard Norton Smith

Tapper: OMG the election is almost over

Audience: woot

Tapper: OMG Morgan Freeman says you
should vote for Romney and he’s the voice of God

Freeman: andthe first pretend black President

Tapper: good morning Governor Portman

Portman: hi Jake

Tapper: you are playing Obama in
the mock debates

Portman: I expect Obama who is terrible
by the way to be very negative

Tapper: why did Paul Ryan lie about
unemployment in the debate

Portman: unemployment is going up

Tapper: no it isn’t it’s dropping

Portman: not in my beautiful mind

Tapper: should you be politicizing an
Ambassador’s death?

Portman: Obama didn’t have enough
security at the embassy!

Tapper: Romney is sending jobs to
China while bashing China

Portman: President Obama personally
invests in China

Tapper: do you have any evidence for that

Portman: of course I don’t

Tapper: what is the problem with China

Portman: Obama will not sign enough
free trade agreements also he is not
tough enough with China

Tapper: Obama is leading in your home state

Portman: according to the polls the race is
about dead even in Ohio

Tapper: no it isn’t

Portman: maybe something is going
on on the ground in Ohio

Tapper: Thanks for coming Rob

Portman: thanks Tappy

Tapper: Beau many are saying your
father laughed and rolled his eyes too much

Biden: ha ha ha  [ rolls eyes ]

Tapper: was his body language too much

Biden: did you see how much water
that nervous nellie Paul Ryan drank
- what a freak!

Tapper: don’t change the subject

Biden: did you hear Paul Ryan suggest
we should put more troops in Afghanistan
- what a loon

Tapper: I think he was making a
seasonal strategic point

Biden: he’s an uninformed idiot

Tapper: your dad said the White House
had no idea Libya was a dangerous place

Biden: Obama is going to kill these terrorists
and Ryan cut the embassy security budget

Tapper: zing

[ break ]

Tapper: we wanted to bring you an All-Star
panel but instead here is Newt Gingrich
and Chris Dodd who lost to Romney
and Obama respectively

Tapper: also audience please clap for
badass moderator Martha Raddatz

Audience: yaaaay

Tapper: Dick Nixon never got over his
flop-sweat fest against JFK

Nixon: goddamm fucking pores

Will: the key to winning debates is to steal
material from the opponent like I did to Jimmy Carter

Tapper: good point

Brazile: debates matter because some voters
are seeing the candidates for the first time

Gingrich: Romney can be very aggressive
and he shocked me because I
can be a real jerk

Dodd: by the time you only have two
candidates it’s about character, emotion
and whether you are ready for the most
important job in the world

Tapper: judging Dancing With The Stars?

Tapper: Nixon would have perspired even
on his on Facebook page

Richard Norton Smith: in 1960 we didn’t have
the media and Twitter to tell us what to think

Tapper: thank god we’ve solved that problem


Sunday, October 07, 2012

Meet The Press - October 7, 2012

Robert Gibbs
Newt Gingrich
Mike Murphy
Hillary Rosen
Chuck Todd
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Gregory: the debate was bad
for Obama but unemployment
has dropped to 7.8%

Gingrich: this is the most fascinating
election in American history

Gibbs: we dug out of the enormous
hole we were in we’ve now
been adding jobs for 2 years

Gregory: Romney has been bashing
the President for not going under 8%

Murphy: good point but do people
feel better about the economy?

Gregory: actually they do

Todd: things are going well in
Ohio in Virginia - do voters want to
repeal everything Obama did and go back

Rosen: who do you trust to restore
America to mediocrity?

Murphy: Wednesday night 80 million
people fell in love with Romney

Gingrich: the average American
wants cheap gas

Gibbs: cripes  - we were losing
800,000 jobs per month and we’ve
been adding jobs for 31 months

Gregory: but things are still bad

Gibbs: now Romney wants to give
Wall Street a kiss and crush Sesame Street

Murphy: Obama seemed tired and
Romney was energized and full of ideas

Gibbs: he wished away his entire
platform and pretended he wasn’t
going to cut taxes for the richest Americans

Murphy: you ignore all the loopholes
he’s going to cut

Gibbs: what loopholes!?

Gregory: Jack Welch made an
unsubstantiated claim which I will now
repeat that Obama’s thugs
manipulated labor statistics

Gingrich: Jack Welch instantly reacted
to good news by assuming Obama
is a criminal - this proves that
Obama is a bad President

Todd: this is absolutely fucking crazy -
this instant resort to insane conspiracy
theories is bad for America

Gibbs: Welch embarrassed himself like
some birth certificate weirdo - batshit
nonsense like this is wrecking America

Gingirch: but it’s out there

Todd: the media elevate every rich
weirdo with a nutty theory like
Donald Trump -  it’s go to stop

Gregory: but I love him

Gingrich: I spoke to every small
business person in America and
they all hate Obama

Gregory: so where was Obama
during the debate

Gibbs: Romney ran away from
his own plan - he embraced teachers
and pretended he wouldn’t cut taxes

Gingrich: why didn’t Obama just call
Romney a liar - that always worked for me

Gregory: but you lost

Gingrich: I’m here aren’t I

Gregory: will Romney cut taxes
for the rich, close loopholes or
explode the deficit?

Rosen: two out of three ain’t bad

Murphy: Obama has failed to
cut the debt

Gregory: that is so sad

Rosen: which is more important
- style or substance?

Todd: Style!

Murphy: style!

Gingrich: Obama used to have great style

Murphy: what is Obama’s vision for America

Rosen: Romney just wants to be elected

Gibbs: how can anyone trust him?

Gregory: I spoke to the Oracle Simpson-Bowles
and they say Romney’s plan doesn’t add up

Gingrich: Romney has a plan to cut the
debt by selling federal land to British Petroleum

Murphy: what could go wrong?

Gingrich: Romney was very very clear
- he promised never to cut taxes for the rich

Gibbs: in the primaries he promised
to cut taxes for the rich

Gingrich: well then clearly he lied!

Gregory: what does Obama have to
do in the next debate

Gibbs: call Romney a fucking liar to his face

Gregory: who wins the election?

Todd: Republicans are very enthusiastic
about beating Obama and the kids
just don’t care

Gregory: what else

Todd: old people are wild about
Romney and Hispanics are apathetic

Gregory: David Brooks says Obama
should be more passionate

Rosen: Obama is passionate about
solar panels, testing kids, and
implementing Romneycare

Gregory: no wonder people Democrats
are so enthusiastic

Rosen: he also likes gay people

Gregory: we all do

Murphy: Obama keeps attacking
Romney - it’s so sad

Gingrich: we should eliminate Obamacare
to pay for tax cuts for the rich

Gingrich: Romney will drill in for oil in Ohio!

Gregory: how about the Vice President debates

Gibbs: Ryan will probably lie a lot

Gingrich: Ryan will be respectful

Todd: Recall Bentsen-Quayle and
Cheney-Edwards - the old guy always win

Rosen: Paul Ryan is too proud to
disavow Ayn Rand and his budget cuts

[ break ]

Gregory: welcome Arnold
Schwarzenegger: thanks vluffy

Gregory: can Romney still win the elections?

Schwarzenegger: yes maybe hey
you never know

Gregory: I love your post-partisanship

Schwarzenegger: yes it works when
the parties work together do want like
when Reagan worked for three years
to reform social security

Gregory: you appeal to non-English speakers

Schwarzenegger: McCain-Kennedy had a
great immigration plan and the GOP says
we can’t tackle this because there is an
election coming up - hello - that’s how
you win elections

Gregory: I see

Schwarzenegger: soldiers risk their lives
and politicians are afraid to lose an election
- our politicians need more balls!

Gregory: you humiliated your wife
- have you lost all political credibility

Schwarzenegger: no - but I will continue
the acting and the political stuff and
the personal relationships

Gregory: do you have good character

Schwarzenegger: I think so

Gregory: really

Schwarzenegger: read my book

Gregory: are you a sympathetic person

Schwarzenegger: I’m a lover and a fighter

Gregory: you are

Schwarzenegger: I am inspirations and
a visionary but I have a dark side so
people should make up their own mind

Gregory: what lessons would you
like your sons to learn from you

Schwarzenegger: Maria is a great mother

Gregory: but what lessons

Schwarzenegger: I am an inspiration

Gregory: you pretended your earpiece
wasn’t working when you were asked
about your tax returns

Schwarzenegger: ha that was hilarious

Gregory: will you run for office again

Schwarzenegger: As Governor I wanted
to achieve many things and will work to
achieve those things

Gregory: what do we think panel

Rosen: I’m appalled

Murphy: he’s a good friend of mine

Todd: I love politics because of
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Gingrich: of course Arnold has no credibility
but he is what makes America great -
an immigrant bodybuilder tuned action star
turned rich guy marrying a Kennedy running
the largest state then having a child with
the maid and writing a book about it and
retiring to an institute at an elite university

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press


This Week with George Stephanopoulos - October 7, 2012

Ed Gillepsie
Robert Gibbs
Paul Krugman
Peggy Noonan
James Carville
Mary Matalin
Jonathan Karl
Stephanopoulos: holy crap Romney
has momentum!

Gibbs: Romney was masterful but
he also lied his ass off

Stephanopoulos: what went wrong
with Obama?

Gibbs: he can prepared to not-debate
one version of Romney and another
one showed up

Stephanopoulos: Romney says Obama
is the one who is lying

Gibbs: I call that IMAX Romney
for pure projection

Stephanopoulos: Romney says he
won’t cut taxes for the rich

Gibbs: yeah I’ve heard that before

Stephanopoulos: he made a good case
for himself as a strong leader

Gibbs: he’s taken the battle to Sesame Street
and let Wall Street run wild

Stephanopoulos: Joe Biden says the
middle class has been buried the last four years

Gibbs: that’s true

Stephanopoulos: it sounds he’s
saying Obama failed

Gibbs: it was GOP policies that caused
the problem in the first place

Stephanopoulos: is there pressure on
Biden to not suck

Gibbs: I want to see how much Paul Ryan lies

Stephanopoulos: will Obama kick ass
in the next debate?

Gibbs: you bet he will Fluffy

Stephanopoulos: Welcome Ed did Romney
lie in the debate?

Gillespie: Obama is a like a child and
Romney is a daddy

Stephanopoulos: I see

Gillespie: Romney will provide jobs,
health care, cut taxes and cut the debt

Stephanopoulos: will he cut taxes for
the rich or not

Gillespie: He will cut taxes and get rid
of deductions used by the rich
so the rich will end up paying more

Stephanopoulos: you can’t do that

Gillespie: yes you can

Stephanopoulos: if you couldn’t then
would he scale back the tax cuts?

Gillespie: Tip O’Neill!

Stephanopoulos: what

Gillespie: also we will cut deficit!

Stephanopoulos: you’re only targeting Big Bird

Gillespie: not just him - also Oscar the grouch

Stephanopoulos: he already lives in a garbage can

Gillespie: this is an important point -
it’s a penny borrowed from China

Stephanopoulos: I see

Gillespie: you have to make tough choices
- this will save 0.01 percent of the budget!

Stephanopoulos: did Obama make
up fake unemployment numbers
like Jack Welch said

Gillespie: yes they are unbelievably fantastic
also they are so disappointing they prove
the economy is doing badly and Obama has failed

Stephanopoulos: is Romney going to
win the election

Gillespie: 70 million Americans saw the
real Mitt Romney - a liberal with no
specific policies or plans

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: Peggy you bashed
Mitt Romney last week and now you
say Obama sucked

Noonan: Barack is man of mystery

Krugman: this is classic Obama - he
barely went after McCain in 2008

Carville: he really didn’t want to be there -
he wanted to spend the evening giving a
order to kill and terrorist and making love to his wife

Karl: was it some kind of strategy to not
bring up Social Security

Matalin: maybe Obama’s just stupid

Stephanopoulos: and where as his flag pin?!?

Matalin: this is the worst recovery ever

Krugman: that isn’t true

Matalin: has there ever been a worse recovery

Krugman: of course this actually is a
better than average recovery after
a financial crisis

Matalin: this has been worse recovery -
there has been no job growth whatsoever

Krugman: that’s completely untrue

Matalin: who cares!

Krugman: even his advisors say he lied

Stephanopoulos: that was so awesome
Krugman: as long Romney lies forcefully
the media will be impressed

Karl: Obama lied too!

Krugman: oy vey