Sunday, June 24, 2012

Meet The Press - June 24, 2012

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)
Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA)
Bill Richardson
Andrea Mitchell
John Martin
Gregory: it’s great to have you here Marco

Rubio: thanks Fluffy

Gregory: should Arizona police demand
the papers of suspiciously
brown-skinned people

Rubio: yes because Obama is weak

Gregory: should all 11 million
undocumented people go home

Rubio: did you know one million people
come here legally every year?

Gregory: answer the question Marco

Rubio: Obama keeps letting illegal people in

Gregory: he’s deporting more people
than anyone ever has!

Rubio: yes but we need a really big fence!

Gregory: I see

Rubio: after that we can talk about
those 11 million losers

Gregory: I’d like to talk about them right now

Rubio: a few months ago I invented
the idea of letting kids stay here

Gregory: you mean the DREAM Act

Rubio: oh no I hate that law -
mine is called the BAD DREAM Act

Gregory: what’s in it?

Rubio: Obama won’t shoot people
crossing the border!

Gregory: you haven’t said one thing
of substance since you sat down

Rubio: the DREAM Act would encourage
illegal immigration

Gregory: do you agree with the President’s order?

Rubio: no because it was all political
which has no place in legislation or regulation

Gregory: why are you so sad

Rubio: the President never came
to me to endorse my law before
he took my idea away

Gregory: you never even introduced
a bill in Congress

Rubio: that was my tactic to expose
the hypocrisy of Democrats

Gregory: how clever of you

Rubio: look you don’t just rush out a
piece of legislation you own party despises

Gregory: Mitt Romney spent all
spring bashing illegal immigrations

Rubio: what all those people waiting
to come here legally - no one ever
talks about them

Gregory: Does the GOP have
a problem with Latinos?

Rubio: Most Republicans love immigrants

Gregory: ha ha

Rubio: it’s not fair because most Latinos
vote for Democrats because of their
policies on the economy and foreign policy

Gregory: so the GOP is not hated
just because of immigration

Rubio: that’s right - there are so
many other reasons

Gregory: what about the Supreme Court?

Rubio: Obamacare caused the recession

Gregory: what is the solution to the
national health care problem?

Rubio: all individuals should just
go out and buy health insurance

Gregory: good idea but what
about free riders?

Rubio: perhaps we could have some
kind of requirement

Gregory: should we raise taxes
and pay down the debt?

Rubio: I reject the premise - we must
cut taxes to grow the economy and
then we will have more money which
let us cut more taxes until we are all rich

Gregory: you said you would
never ever run for Vice President

Rubio: yes but that was before I
knew how much Romney would need me

Gregory: have you ever made a
bad decision that would disqualify
from ever being President

Rubio: making politics a career

Gregory: why did you leave the Mormon church

Rubio: I’m a politician - no one’s going
to vote for a freaking Mormon in Florida!

Gregory: you’re young and
vaguely ethnic like Obama

Rubio: he is so fucking cool

Gregory: indeed

Rubio: its so sad - Obama could have
elevated America and instead became just
another politician letting people heckle him

Gregory: when will you run for President?

Rubio: In six years

Gregory: Biggie Smalls or Tupac?

Rubio: I’m West Coast all the way baby

Gregory: who is more popular Romney
Obama or Lebron James

Rubio: are those my only choices

Gregory: yes

Rubio: the black guy

Gregory: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Gregory: welcome Darrell - you want to hold
Eric Holder in contempt

Issa: I need Holder’s e-mails to prove
he engaged in a cover-up

Gregory: the Bush administration
started a gun sharing program

Issa: Bush shut it down

Gregory: because there were indictments!

Issa: see how honorable they were!

Gregory: the documents you want
aren’t about the program - they are
about how they reacted to your investigation

Issa: we need answers

Gregory: to what?

Issa: to our questions!

Gregory: about what?

Issa: the cover-up!

Gregory: what cover-up?

Issa: of their plan to send guns to
criminals to make the NRA look bad!

Richardson: it seems like this is all political

Issa: Obama is just like Nixon!

Martin: Boehner doesn’t like this but
he always folds to the Tea Party

Issa: I didn’t want this fight - I really
wanted to impeach Obama over
his birth certificate

Mitchell: politics in Washington -
who would ever have thought?

Gregory: what about immigration?

Richardson: Obama created
two million Hispanic jobs

Gregory: wow

Richardson: and not just in landscaping!

Gregory: that’s amazing

Martin: are we going to mass deport
eleven million people?

Issa: sadly probably not

Gregory: so then what should we do

Issa: border control must have real teeth

Gregory: meaning what

Issa: Vampire Border Guards

Mitchell: Marco Rubio is whining but
he still won’t say what his plan is or
might be or could be

Gregory: Romney is vetting
potential Vice Presidents

[ Romney on tape: ]
even that Cuban guy what’s
his name Margeaux

Martin: Romney is determined not
to repeat the mistake that rhymes
with Sarah Palin

Gregory: who should he choose?

Richardson: why not Rubio - at least
he’s interesting and the others are boring

Mitchell: what about choosing
the most qualified person

Issa: that’s crazy enough to work

Martin: Romney will make a
Management Consult decision

Issa: that will optimize the
platform going forward

Martin: I hear buzz about Condi Rice!

Issa: she was a disaster!

Martin: or also Rubio

Issa: Jack Kemp was going to
be chosen and then he wasn’t

Audience: and then he was

Gregory: Is Paul Ryan radioactive?

Issa: President Obama said
Paul Ryan had great budget ideas

Gregory: he did?

Issa: I have a subpoena out to prove it!

Richardson: he will choose the
person who will help him win - period

Issa: well then who will Obama choose ha ha ha

Biden, bursts into studio:
Hey Darrell - you know what’s a really
big fucking deal? My fist!
[ punches Darrell Issa ]

Issa: ow Joe you broke my nose

Biden: don’t cross me car-stealing motherfucker!

Mitchell: the possibility overturning
the health care law is a huge
defeat for Barack Obama

Gregory: what about will happen

Issa: Republicans will have to quickly
scramble to put the popular things in
Obamacare back into law

Gregory: you people like the benefits of
health insurance without having to buy it

Issa: yes - who knew?

Martin: progressive hate Obama
but if the court strikes the health care law
they may rally around him

Gregory: what a denoument

Martin: but of course it would be another
rebuke for Obama just like when he ruined
America’s credit rating

Gregory: Romney is raising a hella lot of cash

Mitchell: Mitt knows how to raise money
for doing nothing - it’s what he does

Issa: so we should elect him President -
Romney will get bankers and corporations
to pay America’s bills

Gregory: in exchange for what?

Issa: we can let them own Washington DC

Richardson: that ship has sailed

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press


This Week with George Stephanopoulos - June 24, 2012

Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA)

Tapper: this morning we will ask - sending guns to
Mexican drug cartels - what could go wrong?

Tapper: Darrell what the hell happened
and what do you want?

Issa: I want documents that are not blacked out

Tapper: maybe those are pictures of Mexico at night

Issa: the Department of Justice tried to get us
to drop contempt proceedings in exchange for
autographed pictures of Justin Bieber we considered it and so no

Tapper: Bush started Operation Wide Receiver

Issa: you forgot Operation I’m Gonna Git You Sucka

Tapper: you have not subpoened a single Republican
or someone from the Bush administration

Issa: we’re past all that now

Tapper: what does that even mean

Issa: look I need documents to catch someone
from the Obama administration in a lie - our
border patrol agents deserve that much!

Issa: you once walked out of the House in a
big huff when Democrats were mad when
Bush invoked Executive Privilege

Tapper: that was different because Bush
was covering up mistakes he made
instead of his Attorney General

Tapper: I see

Issa: Executive Privilege doesn’t apply when
Congress is setting up a perjury trap

Tapper: that makes sense

Issa: what we want is very narrow -
a fake impeachment

Tapper: you think Obama sent guns to
Mexico as a plan to take away guns

Issa: it makes perfect sense - hand out guns
to prove that guns are very dangerous
and kill people

Tapper: do they?

Issa: no - guns save lives!

Tapper: so should we send more guns to
Mexico to stop crime there?

Issa: exactly!

Tapper: thanks for coming Darrell


Sunday, June 17, 2012

June 17, 2012
David Plouffe
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)
Doris Goodwin
Harold Ford
Kim Strassel
Mark Halperin
David Maraniss

Gregory: Welcome Dave P

Plouffe: yo Dave G

Gregory: what is more important -
Greece or Ohio?

Plouffe: I’m curious - is it possible for you
to ask a question without a shit-eating
grin on your face?

Gregory: so I hear you saying Europe
will doom the President’s chances in the fall?

Plouffe: that’s actually not what I said at all

Gregory: Obama is clearly playing
politics with immigrants’ lives

Plouffe: fuck you Fluffy

Gregory: but the politics Pluffy

Plouffe: He’ll sign a DREAM Act tomorrow
- send it on down Congress!

Gregory: President McCain says Obama
is grabbing power like grabby
power-grabbing guy

Plouffe: Congress won’t act on immigration
just like they won’t fix the economy

Gregory: Obama promised to enact
immigration reform -- why is he is such a failure?

Plouffe: We’re closed that motherfucking border!

Gregory: you’re just trying to win Latino voters

Plouffe: did you know Mitt Romney
would veto the DREAM Act and
deport 11 million people

Gregory: yeah that’s awesome

Plouffe: no isn’t!

Gregory: Obama wants to raise my taxes

Plouffe: yes - but he wants to cut taxes
for middle-income people

Gregory: who cares - you’re going raise
my taxes aren’t you - you bastard

Plouffe: tax cuts for the rich caused
the recession in the first place!

Gregory: but the Grand Bargain!

Plouffe: trickle-down didn’t work
in the past and it won’t work in the future

Gregory: in 2010 Bill Clinton said we
should vote against the guy who
defeated his wife

Plouffe: that didn’t happen and
who gives a fuck

Gregory: it could be true

Plouffe: Mitt Romney didn’t create jobs
in Massachusetts and that’s not surprising
because GOP policies wreck the economy

Gregory: Obama got a trillion dollar
stimulus, health care reform and
Dodd-Frank which didn’t cause
 an economic recovery!

Plouffe: Mitt Romney’s policies
would cause another Depression!

Gregory: Clinton Democrats are very
concerned that it may not be too
early to utterly panic

Plouffe: Clinton also said Romney
would a total calamity for America

Gregory: Hispanics will decide this
election won’t they

Plouffe: si

Gregory: what about these horrible
leaks of bin Laden being killed and
other state secrets

Plouffe: it’s so sad tales of Obama’s
toughness on terrorists keeps getting out

Gregory: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Gregory: President McCain what about
Obama’s plan to let smart young
immigrants stay in America

McCain: this abuse of power has
never happened in American history

Gregory: so you will overturn it?

McCain: no because it’s a good idea

Gregory: um I’m confused

McCain: Obama won’t even call
Marco Rubio and make reform happen

Gregory: but you know that the GOP
is totally against immigration reform

McCain: that is also Obama’s fault

Gregory: are you kidding

McCain: we all have sympathy for these kids
who sadly must be deported so I can
be reelected by wackos

McCain: Obama is just doing the right
thing to divert attention from the
dropping price of gas

Gregory: Mitt Romney wants 11 million
people to self-deport

McCain: that’s not fair - he’s flip flopping
on this like everything else

Gregory: ok

McCain: Obama killed immigration reform

Gregory: are you fucking kidding

McCain: labor unions was what killed the Dream

Gregory: what about Mitt Romney

McCain: Romney is ready and willing
to change his position as a moment’s notice

Gregory: good to know

McCain: but also Romney would never
change federal policy as President

Gregory: really?

McCain: well he might I mean I’m
sure he would consider it

Gregory: Obama said the private sector
is doing fine - isn’t that just like when you
defended the economy in 2008?

McCain: no its different because when I
said that we had just entered a Depression
and Obama  has only added 4 million jobs

Gregory: I see

McCain: why won’t Obama bring back
a trillion dollars from overseas -
he just wants to tax that poor money

Gregory: it’s so unfair

McCain: Steve Jobs! Facebook!

Gregory: in 2008 you said Romney was evil
and didn’t create jobs

McCain: yes but I only said that to get elected

Gregory: oh that’s ok then

McCain: Dodd-Frank caused the recession 2008

Gregory: Sheldon Adelson plans on
donating $100 million to defeat Mitt Romney

McCain: I agree that labor unions are evil

Gregory: um ok

McCain: Obama goes to all these fundraisers
when he should be finding bin Laden

Gregory: he got bin Laden

McCain: what?!

Gregory: what about campaign finance abuse?

McCain: I have a crush on Sandra Day O’Connor

Gregory: are you concerned that Adelson
will have undue influence on policy

McCain: No because Richard Trumka is worse

Gregory: what about Syria

McCain: Obama should make their civil war
a fair fight by sending  whichever group
is less armed guns until it’s a tie

Gregory: I see

McCain: Obama doesn’t believe in American
leadership or exceptionalism

Gregory: getting involved in a
middle east civil war prove you believe
in U.S. leadership and exceptionalism?

McCain: women are being raped!

Gregory: that happens in Darfur too

McCain: who gives a fuck -
the important thing is Iran is bad!

Gregory: wait what?

McCain: where is my pudding?!
[ break ]

Gregory: wow Obama is talking about
the economy and our new Latino Overlords!

Halperin: Mitt Romney is awesome
and Obama an unsettled weenie

Gregory: you are so awesome

Strassel: Obama is a terrible President

Gregory: I love you

Ford: I disagree with both of you -
Obama is a loser and I should have
been the first black President

Gregory: what an interesting perspective

Ford: Greece should embrace the
austerity investment banks want

Gregory: don’t you work on Wall Street now?

Ford: that’s a coincidence

Gregory: Obama is so cautious

Maraniss: right Obama never takes
risks until he does

Gregory: that is so insightful

Maraniss: Obama is a dullard who
always misses the zeitgeist unlike
that awesome Bill Clinton

Goodwin: Obama needs to be like
Teddy Roosevelt and double
down on regulation

Gregory: ooh

Goodwin: he should say we need more stimulus!

Gregory: that’s a nice idea Doris but
Republicans are right most of the
time aren’t they

Strassel: Obama doesn’t want to talk
about the past he just talks about the
recession of 2008

Gregory: you are so smart

Strassel: Obama has a problem with
white people so he keeps reaching out to
women Hispanics and other assorted weirdos

Halperin: Obama is cheating by being popular

Gregory: how can we all elect Mitt Romney

Ford: Obama must stop attacking
Mitt Romney because fracking is awesome

Gregory: frack yeah!

Goodwin: Obama was only elected
President once - what a loser!

Strassel: America is broke!

Gregory: amazingly you discovered that
Bill Clinton and Barack Obama are
both smart and successful

Maraniss: Clinton had affairs and gets
out of them and Obama likewise is Kenyan
and got out of that

Gregory: wow

Maraniss: Once he got to the
White House Clinton got in trouble with
Monica Lewsinsky and Obama is the same
since after he was elected he became black

Gregory: Harold Ford you must ask yourself -
how did Obama pulls this off?

[ stares daggers are Gregory ]

Gregory:  Harold?

Ford: Obama is a loser who won’t fight for Simpson-Bowles

Gregory: Romney was raised politicians

Halperin: Romney doesn’t think of himself
as a politician - after all he was elected
once and then fired

Gregory: what does he seem himself as?

Halperin: as a robot sent from the future
to help America’s billionaires

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet the Press


This Week With George Stephanopoulos - June 17, 2012

David Plouffe - Obama Campaign
Tim Pawlenty
Austan Goolsbee
George Will
Katrina vanden Heuvel

Stephanopoulos:  Mitt Romney says Obama
should have passed the Dream Act by himself

Plouffe: that jackass said he would veto it

Stephanopoulos: Jeff Sessions says
Obama is a big mean dictator

Plouffe: He’s the damn President fuckers!

Stephanopoulos: but Obama is
bypassing our wonderful Congress

Plouffe: those idiots in Congress are
deliberately hurting America

Stephanopoulos: that’s not
a very nice thing to say

Plouffe: We’re running against the GOP
Congress and they want to return to Bush’s
policies of tax cuts and more wars

Stephanopoulos: who wants more wars?

Plouffe: the GOP always are jonesing more war!

Stephanopoulos: are you very worried
about Greece and the collapse of Europe?

Plouffe: those austerity-loving fuckers
need their shit straight

Stephanopoulos: Mitt Romney pledged
not bail out Europe

Plouffe: Romney’s economic advisor
published a traitorous editorial in Germany
bashing the President

Stephanopoulos: you thought that was uncalled for

Plouffe: it’s unbelieveable!

Stephanopoulos: Justice Ginsburg said
the ObamaCare decision will be divisive

Plouffe: that is so surprising

Stephanopoulos: what’s your Plan B
when the mandate is overturned

Plouffe: the health care law is helping millions of people

Stephanopoulos: then it’s doomed

Plouffe:  I know I know

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: I love undecided voters
because they don’t like either candidate
proving they’re so skeptical and principled!

Will: I’m going to write-in Ronald Reagan
- he’s better-looking than Obama and
more life-like than Romney

Goolsbee: Is it a referendum on Obama or
Republican policies that caused the
recession in the first place

Pawlenty: Obama has no good ideas on
how to fix the recession caused by Republicans
therefore we should elect Republican Mitt Romney

vanden Heuvel: Republicans in Congress
are preventing creation of more jobs!

Stephanopoulos: James Carville says
you will never persuade people the
economy is doing well so don’t try

Dowd: Obama needs to destroy
Mitt Romney instead of letting Mitt
do it all himself

Will: Democrats have make Romney
very scary which will be hard because
he is nice white man

Stephanopoulos: he’s so nice he doesn’t
want to cut spending for the poor

Goolsbee: but he has to keep his promises

Stephanopoulos: no one expects him to do that

Pawlenty: Obama is shrinking like a little boy
demanding a blue ribbon for showing up

Stephanopoulos: good analogy

Pawlenty: we must fix the economy
which was by wrecked by cutting
taxes by cutting taxes!

vanden Heuvel: idiot

Pawlenty: Obama caused the recession in 2007!

vanden Heuvel: Did he save the auto industry?
Did he?

Pawlenty: Romney will take credit for that!

Will: We must not tax our talented
genius job creators!

vanden Heuvel: consumers create jobs!

Dowd: both sides don’t the truth
unlike I brave truth-teller Matthew Dowd

Stephanopoulos: what is the truth?

Dowd: I see we’re out of time

Will: Mitt Romney is very funny because
he made stuff up about how Obama is corrupt

Goolsbee: yes that lie was hilarious

Dowd: If democrats really want to cut
the budget they would cut the budget!

vanden Heuvel: or we could invest in America!

Stephanopoulos: and now I see we’re
definitely out of time


Sunday, June 10, 2012

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - June 10, 2012

David Axelrod
Rick Santorum
Ed Rendell
Van Jones
Mike Huckabee
Ann Coulter

Stephanopoulos: Obama said the
private sector is doing fine!

Axelrod: that could be true

Stephanopoulos: Romney has a new ad out
blaming Obama for the 2007 recession

Axelrod: Obama but he wants to cut
taxes for small businesses and hire
firefighters and teachers

Stephanopoulos: what’s the catch

Axelrod: Romney is living on another planet
if he thinks firing cops is a great idea

Stephanopoulos: Romney / Kodos 2012

Stephanopoulos: you lost the recall in
Wisconsin and now Romney is raising
more money than you

Axelrod: sure he raising more cash --
he wants to give millionaires a big tax cut

Stephanopoulos: I like it

Axelrod: Mitt doesn’t great jobs - just ask
that prudish wacko Rick Santorum

Stephanopoulos: I intend to

Axelrod: we need an economy built to last
- until November anyway

Stephanopoulos: you think that’s a winning message?

Axelrod: Mitt is not a liberator of companies
- he is a destroyer of them!

Stephanopoulos: Is Michele Bachmann right
that Obama is cheating by killing terrorists?

Axelrod: I wish the right would decide
whether he’s an America-hating Kenyan or
he's killing too many American enemies

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming David

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: Rick should we fire
firefighters and teachers?

Santorum: Obama is crushing the free
enterprise system! We need George W. Bush back!

Stephanopoulos: you called Mitt Romney
a mustache-twirling Wall Street financier

Santorum: he is but Barack Obama is
an anti-colonial Marxist

Stephanopoulos: that sounds worse

Santorum: Teachers are single-handedly
ruining America

Stephanopoulos: I didn’t know that

Santorum: we have to stop throwing
money at problems

Stephanopoulos: you just set up a SuperPAC
to throw money at politics

Santorum: I see what you did there Stephy

Stephanopoulos: Will you and Ron Paul
fight to the death

Santorum: only one can survive!

Stephanopoulos: do you want to be
Vice President?

Santorum: sure but I don’t think Obama
will dump Joe Biden

Stephanopoulos: ha

Santorum: I want to spend time fighting for
big corporations who have no voice in Washington

Stephanopoulos: good luck Ricky

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: please bash Obama for me

Huckabee: the private sector is not fine!

Jones: losing in Wisconsin is good because
it gave Obama a wake-up call

Coulter: the entire country is enraged against
public school teachers!
[ psychotic laugh ]

Rendell: bashing firefighters? really?

Huckabee: I love firemen but first we must
fire teachers who make $100,000 if you include
all benefits which is outrageous

Jones: Republicans won’t pass their own
bills so they can blame Obama for failing

Stephanopoulos: are you saying they
are rooting for failure?

Jones: no I’m not - I’m saying they
are creating failure!

Coulter: firefighters have huge pensions!

Rendell: would you fire firefighters?

Coulter: [ lunatic chortle ]

Stephanopoulos: Should Obama
attack Bain Capital?

Rendell: first Mitt says he created
10,000 jobs and then it was 100,000 - which is it?

Huckabee: Romney was not supposed
to create any jobs at all and he was
successful at that

Coulter: Mitt Romney has the Midas touch!

Jones: didn’t Midas destroy everything eventually

Coulter: [ sociopathic chuckle ]

Stephanopoulos: let’s use Bill Clinton
to bash Obama!

Huckabee: Bill Clinton was a great President!

Stephanopoulos: you tried to impeach
Clinton and called him a murderer

Huckabee: I miss Bill !!

Rendell: the GOP only wants to destroy Obama

Jones: Republicans lawmakers -
are so insane they are almost as
crazy Ann Coulter

Coulter: Bill Clinton was wonderful!
[ demented giggle ]

Huckabee: Clinton is right - Mitt Romney
should be President!

Stephanopoulos: who should be Vice President?

Huckabee: Romney will choose carefully
unlike John McCain who picked a unqualified ditz

Coulter: I have not been asked to be Vice President

Stephanopoulos: what a surprise

Coulter: he should choose Chris Christie
because has ethnic appeal and hates public unions

Stephanopoulos: Marco Rubio could
help the GOP win Hispanics in Florida

Jones: Obama wants to help homeowners
in Florida and of course the GOP won’t do it

Stephanopoulos: OMG  the guy Obama
defeated in 2008 attacked him!

Huckabee: Obama is killing terrorists and
it is terrible that we know that!

Jones: He’s killing people! That’s also bad!

Rendell: to leak information about our
deadly viruses against al qaeda or Iran
or whatever is terrible

Coulter: leaks show Obama is being
tough on terrorism which means
Barack Obama hates America
[ hysterical laughter ]

Jones: I don’t have to support
everything Obama does

Coulter: Conservative don’t blindly support
Republicans - also Mitt Romney is the
greatest thing ever!

Stephanopoulos: people think the Supreme
Court has become entirely political

Huckabee: therefore the Supreme Court
should look at the polls and overturn Obamacare

Stephanopoulos: they should ignore the
law and only apply politics?

Huckabee: yes - following popular opinion
in required by the Constitution!

Jones: like they did in Bush v Gore

Coulter: Bush v Gore was a great decision!

Huckabee: the mandate is evil and unconstitutional

Jones: holy fuck the individual mandate
was an idea from the Heritage Foundation

Stephanopoulos: and yet polls say it
is wildly unpopular

Jones: what a fucking coincidence

Coulter: [ disturbing howl ]

Stephanopoulos: and that’s another episode
of This Week with George Stephanopoulos